Good Girl
by DiabloVixen
Summary: The story of a young woman's struggles between finding love and following her faith. Santana Lopez has always been a 'Good Girl' but when she mets Brittany Pierce she stuggles to define what 'good' really means. Brittana, AU
1. The Morning After

**/*Author's Note: This is a new Brittana Fic I've been working on. Hope you like it . Special thanks to My Beta ****clarebelle23 *****/**

She's a good girl. Abuela reminds her of this right before she kisses her on the cheek as they say their goodbyes. Santana knows she believes it. So yeah, okay she might 'get around' but she's showered, dressed and walking into church before the guys are even out of bed the next day. No one follows the whole sex out of wedlock thing anyway. God's surely has to have given up on that by now. When she goes to church with her Abuela on Sunday, she knows she can pray her weekend sins away and she knows she's always forgiven.

But _this_.

_This_ is different.

She looks down at the bright pink fingernails connected to the hand lazily draped across her naked stomach. The even breaths against her neck send chills down her body, reminding her of last night. Reminding her of the actions of her body, driven by pure desire, unhindered by a brain drowning in tequila. Maybe she could blame the alcohol for last night but that didn't explain this morning. How her sober body still reacted to this touch, every part of her buzzed and throbbed for more. She dragged her tongue across her lips just to taste the girl's mouth in hers one more time.

This was something she couldn't pray away. This sin was the worst she could imagine, one she couldn't bear to face in the light of day.

_What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas._

Maybe that was actually true, maybe Vegas had a filter so God could ignore what people did here. Maybe it looked like those faces did on TV, jumbled static of pixels and colors. He knew there was a city underneath it all but He couldn't make sense of the features and actions. Maybe He didn't want to know. Maybe she could get away with everything and as soon as she got on a plane and back to Lima it would all be okay because no one would ever know. Not even Him.

She heard her phone buzz angrily on the desk across the room. It caused the body on top of her to stir. The pink finger-nailed hand drew away to rub tired eyes. She felt a kiss pressed innocently to her cheek, her skin burned at the touch. She squeezed her legs to control the urges for things that her sober brain knew she shouldn't want, she never had suffered with such lack of control in her life. She was wet from a light kiss on the cheek.

_What the fuck?_

"Morning." The words brushed against her white-hot cheeks.

Immediately, she slammed her eyes shut.

Santana had her fair share of one-night stands but she never once stuck around for after sex cuddling. Who the fuck wanted to spend their night with a sweaty hairy arm squeezing their body? Plus she wanted to avoid all this fucking awkwardness. What the hell was the protocol here? Was she supposed to exchange pleasantries, pat her on the back for a job well done and bolt out the door? Or were they supposed to kiss and share morning coffee like an old married couple? Ya know, if that shit were even legal here. Sure as hell isn't where she's from.

The bed felt instantly cold when the body rose off the bed. Which was ridiculous since they were in a desert and it was probably seventy degrees already. She heard the blinds split open and her eyelids burned red as the warm sunlight flooded the hotel room.

"You forgot to turn your vibrator off." The girl chuckled. Santana finally opened her eyes and watched the beautiful naked body glide across the hotel room and towards the phone that was now buzzing dangerously close to the edge. She picked it up and held the phone up.

"Someone's calling." She threw the phone next to Santana on the bed and hummed some tune Santana couldn't place as she turned towards the bathroom.

She hit the green button and brought the phone to her ear. "H-Hello?" Her voice faltered. Very un-Santana, she needed to fix that.

"Santana!" Quinn was practically screaming into the phone. Santana pulled it away from her ear so she didn't get fucking brain damage or some shit. "Jeez, we thought you were dead or something."

Santana let out a scoff. "God, Quinn overdramatic much? It's Las Vegas not Bogota."

Santana could practically hear Quinn roll her eyes through the phone or maybe it was because she had known Quinn for so long she knew exactly what to say to piss her off the most.

"Whatever. Where are you?" Quinn asked.

Santana looked around the room. She had no fucking clue. "A hotel room."

"Cute." Quinn scoffed. Santana heard her bitch about something to the other girls but she couldn't hear what she said. "Which hotel?"

Santana glanced up at the bathroom, the door was still closed and she could hear the water running. She glanced around checking the drawers for any hint of where she was. She found a pad of paper and a pen with the logo of the hotel on it. She picked up the pad and read the name back to Quinn. Quinn said okay and they'd be there in half an hour. Santana hung up the phone before she placed the pad back into the desk drawer when she caught sight of the Holy Bible tucked into the far corner.

"Oh fuck you," she muttered to herself.

She started to gather the pieces of her clothing that were strew all over the room. Discarded in a night of drunken passion. It was particularly embarrassing to find her underwear thrown over the desk lamp.

She was sliding her dress over her head when she jumped at the sound of the bathroom door. Her blonde hair was wrapped in a white hotel town, as was, thankfully, the rest of her body. She seemed genuinely surprised to see Santana standing there. She smiled at her before walking over to her suitcase.

Santana sat on the edge of the bed and tried to put on her heels as fast as she could but her hand kept slipping. The blonde looked over and smirked making Santana feel like a bigger spaz. She stood up and dropped a pile of clothes next to Santana on the bed and dropped the towel to the floor. Santana found her eyes trailing up her bare body before she could control herself. She took in the long slender legs, her flat stomach, her bare breasts… She remembered how her mouth had been there last night and the sounds that came from her when she bit down on them just a little bit. She ripped her eyes away, crossing her legs and squeezing her thighs together.

"Do you want to grab coffee or something?" The blonde asked. Santana barely comprehended the words as she watched her slip red bikini underwear with yellow stars up her slender legs.

_Oh God._

She repeated the question and giggled a little. Santana pulled herself from her trance and locked onto her beautiful blue eyes.

"Um. Actually, my friends are on their way to pick me up." She said.

"Oh". She sounded disappointed. Or was she relieved? She was probably relieved.

The phone buzzed in Santana's hand and she jumped. The girl giggled again as she hooked her bra around her back. Santana hit the green button again.

"What?" She tried to sound as annoyed as possible. For no real reason, just because it was Quinn and she was instantly annoying.

"We're outside." Quinn answered. "Finish up with your boy toy and get down here."

Quinn hung up before Santana could respond. Santana studied the phone for a second to see if Quinn Fabray really just fucking hung up on her.

"Your friends are here?"

Santana met those beautiful eyes again. She was fully clothed now in a baby blue tank top and khaki shorts. A simple outfit but the way her legs looked in those shorts... Santana swallowed as she stood up abruptly. Stopping her mind before it got going again.

"Yeah." Santana whispered. Why was she whispering?

"I had a lot of fun last night." The blonde said. Her smirk was seductive and Santana had to tighten all the muscles in the lower half of her body to keep herself under control.

Santana couldn't help the smile that crossed her face. Her feet took a step towards the blonde without her even telling them to. The blonde closed the gap and they were inches away from each other. She had lost all sense of control when she finally responded.

"Me too." It was barely a whisper into the blonde's lips when they finally connected. Santana swallowed her bottom lip, she kissed with such force that it send the other girl back onto the bed. Santana straddled on top of her putting all of her desperation for one last touch into this kiss. Her hands wrapped around the back of the beautiful blonde head. She felt the pink finger-nailed hands rubbing their way up her bare thighs and under her short dress.

She parted her lips and the blonde obliged shoving her tongue into her mouth. The hands slipped up further and she felt fingers rub up against her embarrassingly soaked underwear. She felt the blonde smile into another opened mouth kiss. Obviously proud of what she could do to her, what she did to her with such little effort. The finger slipped between her underwear and into the wetness. Santana wasn't able to control the moan that escaped her body and broke the kiss. The desires taking over as she thought about what she wanted so badly to come next. What she needed to come next.

She jumped as the something in her hand shook and shocked her skin. She had forgotten she was holding her phone and also completely forgotten about her friends downstairs.

What the fuck was she doing anyway? She was sober. Vegas or not this was wrong.

"Fuck." She muttered into another lazy kiss before she pulled the hand out of her underwear and stood up off the bed. "I'm sorry." She headed straight for the door without looking back.

"Wait!" The blonde called up. She grabbed Santana's shoulder to stop her and Santana turned.

"Can I get your phone number? Maybe we can take a rain check on that coffee?" The blonde said. Santana didn't take her eyes away from the phone held in front of her. She hesitated.

_There's nothing immoral about a cup of coffee._

She took the phone and plugged in her number before bolting out the door.

By the time she stepped out of the elevator she already had one new text message.

**This is Brittany's number :).**

She saved it in her phone as _B_ before she found a rather pissed off Quinn in the hotel lobby.

Quinn tapped her foot angrily against the elaborate tiled floor. The sound of her taps echoed around the expanse of the nearly empty lobby and a rather annoyed bellhop was glaring at her. As soon as she spotted Santana she folded her arms across her chest and scowled.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Santana called as she walked passed Quinn and towards the exit. "You know if you just got laid you wouldn't be this uptight all the time."

Quinn scoffed and followed Santana out. They found the rental car at the curb. Mercedes and Sugar waiting patiently inside.

Some people would think they were an odd group of friends. A walking freaking cultural diversity ad. Richie bitch, Wheezy, Hotness and Juno. But they had been friends ever since their time together at Trinity. They met in their school choir group which Santana will swear isn't nearly as gay as it sounds. Plus how many singing lesbians do you know anyway? Want to see a real gay school choir? Check The Dalton Academy Warblers. Santana was pretty sure any boy that joined the club was converted to the other team, if you catch her drift. Santana reluctantly admitted that show choir was a nice break from the routine of cheerleading. This had dancing AND singing. Santana liked to sing and they weren't uptight about it or anything.

Santana climbed in behind the driver's seat where Mercedes was sitting while Quinn climbed in behind Sugar who was singing way too loud and awfully at some Lady Gaga song. Sugar's position in show choir may or may not have been directly related to the size of the donations her father made. Thankfully Sugar stopped singing as soon as the doors closed. No one spoke as Mercedes pulled out of the hotel parking lot.

"Well he better have been good." Quinn finally said. Her arms were crossed again and her uptight bitch scowl was back. "Since you felt it was more important than my birthday."

Santana sighed. This was annoying. Quinn only pretended to want her around because it was convenient to her temper tantrum at the moment. They had a complicated love-hate relationship. Minus the whole love part. "Its not like you won't have any fucking more."

"And you'll probably run off to screw another guy then too." Quinn said. Santana watched the Vegas strip pass by her, ignoring all of the eyes on her. "I swear Santana you'll never changed."

Santana rolled her eyes. "Next time I'll get you one too, okay?"

This argument always seemed to come up and there was always one way to get Quinn to shut the fuck up. Santana wasn't lying. Quinn needed to get laid, like really needed to get laid. She wasn't mad about Santana's disappearance. She was pissed that Santana always got more action than her. But lets be honest, of course she got more action than her.

Quinn scoffed but it was more of an embarrassed scoff instead of an angry one. Progress.

"I'm thinking some buff football player?" Santana said. Quinn laughed at Santana and so did Mercedes and Sugar, thankful for the ease of the tension in the car.

"So details Satan." Mercedes said through the rearview. "What did this guy look like?"

"Yeah I don't remember seeing you with a guy last night." Sugar added through chomps of gum. Seriously, who the fuck chews gum at nine in the morning?

"Um." She usually had no shame in talking about her conquests. How big, how small or how terrible they all were anyway. This however, was an entirely different story. This wasn't something she was willing to talk about, something she couldn't, "It was no big deal."

Mercedes raised an eyebrow at her. Santana was acting odd and she wasn't even good at hiding it.

"He was ugly, wasn't he?" Sugar grinned.

Santana didn't look back at her and instead kept her focus on the other cars on the road.

Quinn let out a relieved laugh. "Yup. Totally ugly."

With that one confirmation, all of Quinn's jealously was gone. She unfolded her arms and laughed along with Mercedes and Quinn.

Santana faked a laugh too. Her 'date' last night was anything but ugly right now, however that was the only thing that could save her and for now it was her only defense.


	2. About a Girl

**/* Author's Note: Hey All I'm restructuring the story a Little bit. So if you already read/subscribed to Chapter 1 BEFORE this chapter was added. then this won't be new content. I'm just splitting it up so the transitions are less confusing. Thanks to those that read and review and **Special thanks to My Beta clarebelle23! Enjoy!***/**

Brittany checked the number on her phone again before glancing up at the clock. There was a rule for this sort of stuff but she was never one to follow rules anyway. Texting Santana only a half hour after she left? She'd probably think Brittany was a crazy person, maybe she should wait at least until after breakfast.

There was a light knock at her door.

"Brit." Someone called through. She heard the shuffle of feet.

She pulled the door open to find Kurt and Rachel standing at her door holding up a cup of hot chocolate and a paper bag.

"I know its like a desert and stuff but since you don't drink coffee..." Kurt trailed off as he walked past her.

He ran his eyes over the condition of her hotel room. Brittany felt her face flush, it was so obvious what went down in the room last night. The sheet was half hanging off the bed. Pillows and blankets were discarded in the corner thrown without care in a night that was full of much better things to think about.

Rachel stood in the room and took in the scene too. She looked like she thought about sitting on the bed but instead settled for the desk chair. Rachel was more than accepting of Brittany's lifestyle but not exactly approving of how she decided to live it. 'A life of random hookups and short-term relationships isn't very safe.' Rachel had told her one day when she drop a pamphlet about STDs in Brittany's lap during a 'sex education intervention'. Rachel came up with the name.

Brittany took a healthy gulp of the hot chocolate. It burned the roof of her mouth but she didn't flinch.

"So…" Rachel paused as she took a bagel out of her bag. "Did you have a fun night?"

Brittany eyed her but didn't respond.

"Of course she did Rachel. I share a wall with her." Kurt said with a light laugh. Brittany felt her cheek grow hot. "If I didn't know any better I'd swear she was holding a prayer session in here." He winked at her and Brittany turned her face away to hide her burning face.

She wasn't normally the person that easily got embarrassed about things like sex, that wasn't in her nature. It happened, everyone did it, what was the point in pretending you didn't? But _this_ was different. She rarely had someone in the room to see the aftermath or even came face-to-face with someone who had heard. Also play in the fact it that may have been the best sex in her life. She blushed just thinking about it and she had to make herself stop before she thought about it too much.

"So, who was this person?" Rachel asked. She looked up from her bagel and eyed Brittany.

Brittany lost all interest in girl talk. She didn't want to talk about this one with them, which was odd since they talked about everything together. Every boyfriend, girlfriend or everything in between, no matter what. They had been close friends since their time in Glee at McKinley High School.

"We met at the bar last night." Brittany said.

She checked her phone again. It was forty-five minutes now. Maybe she could wait just fifteen more minutes and it wouldn't be that bad? Was an hour long enough?

"And you're waiting for he or she to call you?" Kurt asked with an eyebrow raised.

Her head shot up.

"What?" She squeaked.

"You keep looking at your phone." He said matter-of-factly.

"I got her number." Brittany said.

Kurt glanced over at Rachel to give her a look that said 'told you so'. Brittany wasn't shy about her sexuality either, she loved everyone and her friends accepted that. She found out recently that the two took bets on the gender of her latest hookup, Kurt must have been right this time but that was probably cheating.

"So text her." Rachel said.

Brittany smiled at Rachel. She was thankful for her advice but she never really listened to it all the time. It wasn't that Rachel gave bad advice, she seemed to give good advice actually. Brittany, had watched how Rachel spend most of her time pinning over guys but never really pursuing them so it was hard to listen to someone like that.

"I agree." Kurt said. "You should totally text her."

"Its hasn't even been an hour." Brittany said. Her voice came out a lot whiner than she thought she meant it. She was hanging out with Rachel way too much this trip.

"So?" Rachel stood up and totally abandoned her bagel. "You're on vacation. The normal dating rules don't really apply. We're leaving to go back to Lima in two days. You might never see her again!"

Rachel was never one to shy away from the dramatic but she was convincing. Brittany checked her phone again and eased over the fresh contact in her phone. She clicked Santana's named and hovered over the "send message" button.

"Do it." Kurt and Rachel said in unison. They started a low chant. "Do it, Do it."

Brittany smiled at them in amusement.

She started typing out a message to Santana to the sound of Rachel and Kurt's cheers. She hit 'send' before she could loose her nerve and dropped the phone in the pocket of her shorts. She slumped down on her bed and attacked her bagel.


	3. Breakfast

**/* Author's Note: Thanks to all those following and reviewing. Thanks to my amazing Beta clarebelle23!*/**

Quinn seemed satisfied with the news that Santana's latest hookup was ugly. Mercedes and Sugar were too terrified by Santana's constant glares to ask any questions. They were eating breakfast at one of the hotel's brunch buffets (since Quinn's mom insisted that they go to one) and they sat mostly in silence with Santana crushing any attempt at small talk with her usual snark. After Santana filled her second plate of delicious food, she noticed Mercedes eyeing her strips of bacon. Mercedes had been on this weird diet kick since they started the trip and it was starting to get annoying especially when Mercedes eye fucked everyone's food.

When Quinn and Sugar got up to hit the buffet Santana decided to ask about it.

"What's with the fruit, Weezy?" Santana said. Making sure Mercedes was looking up when a she bit off a piece of her bacon and chewed it loudly.

"Hmmm?" Mercedes said.

Santana raised an eyebrow. "Why are you eating rabbit food?"

"I don't think rabbits-" Mercedes began.

Santana waved her off. "Besides the point. The food here is awesome and you've been working on a slice of grapefruit for half an hour."

Santana crossed her arms and waited for an answer.

Mercedes sighed. "I got asked out on a date."

Santana felt a smile cross her face but she hid it before Mercedes saw, Mercedes never really dated that much. There were a few guys here or there but she wasn't anything like her or Quinn who went through guys like water or Sugar who dated guys for two weeks before she decided she wasn't ready for sex and broke up with them. Santana would never admit this aloud but she had a lot of respect for Mercedes, she only dated people she liked or people she could see herself liking; it was an admirable quality.

"So…" Santana pressed, holding back her smile.

"So I just wanted to lose a few pounds before the date." Mercedes said, her shoulders sinking with the remark.

"Why?" Santana tilted her head and raised both her eyebrows.

"I don't know. It's just that-" Mercedes checked over her shoulder to see where Quinn and Sugar were.

When she was satisfied that they still had a while at the ice cream line (because ice cream at a brunch seemed like a vital food group for everyone in Las Vegas). She turned back around to Santana and whispered. "He's super fine."

Santana's eyebrows jumped higher, "So?"

Mercedes gave a frustrated sigh; "So I don't know why he'd even want to-" She trailed off her sentence and looked at Santana sadly.

Santana let out a breath that bordered a scoff. She didn't like Mercedes sounding ridiculously pathetic, Santana Lopez didn't have pathetic friends.

"If he asked _you _out. He wants to take _you_ out, Weezy." Santana said. "Now there's all this fucking delicious food here." Mercedes glanced over at the table next to them where a family with two young kids was eating. The mother was scowling at Santana and covering her daughter's ears with her hands.

_Oops._

"Whatever this is Las Vegas not fucking Disneyland." Santana said when she saw Mercedes's matching scowl. "Now how abouts you eat like a normal human. And if you want to go on all bulimic when we get back to Lame-a then I'll help you stick your damn fingers down you throat."

Mercedes glanced back over at the family but Santana didn't even bother to look this time. She was still waiting for a response from Mercedes when she noticed her phone light up next to her plate. The message displayed on the home screen and Mercedes picked it up and read it before, Santana could snatch it back.

"Who's B?" Mercedes said.

Santana grabbed the phone away and dropped it in her lap, her lips pressing together in a tight line.

"Oh my God. Is that the dude from last night?" Mercedes asked, her voice dripping with surprise.

Santana stared down at her plate to avoid the question but Mercedes already knew the answer.

"This is like the longest relationship you've ever had." Mercedes teased.

Santana rolled her eyes. She looked up over Mercedes shoulder to see where Quinn and Sugar were. They were already putting toppings on their ice cream, Santana needed to end this conversation now.

"Are you going to go?" Mercedes said.

"Go where?" Santana looked back at Mercedes who was chewing on a piece of bacon from she had just stolen from Santana's plate.

"Get coffee with him." Mercedes said. _Her, _Santana mentally corrected.

Santana shrugged and tossed some of the food on her plate around with her fork.

"You should." Mercedes suggested.

"Why?" Santana said.

This was such a weird experience for her, Santana Lopez didn't do girl talk.

"Because you so obviously like him." Mercedes smiled. "I mean look at you, Santana Lopez is blushing."

Santana stared back down at her plate and willed Mercedes to shut up.

"Text him back!" Mercedes exclaimed.

Santana knew she wasn't going to drop this conversation anytime soon and to be honest she kind of wanted to see Brittany again, she wasn't sure what that meant but she knew what she wanted.

"How about this-" Santana glanced up to see Sugar and Quinn heading back over to the table. "How about you eat normal food since its fucking amazing and you're missing it." Mercedes glanced over at the family again. "And I'll text he- him back."

She almost cursed herself for the slip up, thanking God that Mercedes hadn't caught it. She was too absorbed in considering the deal.

Mercedes eyed her for a second pretending to think about the offer but Santana knew she had already hooked her. Mercedes nodded just as Sugar and Quinn sat down at the table. Santana gestured toward the buffet line and Mercedes smirked before getting up.

When they were walking back to the car and with Mercedes eyes on her Santana sent a response back, she nodded over to Mercedes to signal the fulfillment of her end of the deal.


	4. Taking Gambles

**/* Author's Note: Thanks to my Awesome Beta. clarebelle23*/**

It was like an arcade. Except it smelled musty like smoke, sweat and alcohol, maybe it was more like a bar arcade if those exist in the world. Arcades were pretty cool but there was probably an age limit, maybe that's why they had places like this.

Brittany didn't like this place as much as she did the arcade back home, granted it was bigger, much bigger and there were a lot more machines. There weren't any that Brittany really liked. The arcade back home had that dancing machine and the one with the frog, she was really good at the frog one. She always got the most tickets on that one, Rachel used to always get jealous. Here the machines had themes but they all seemed to do the same boring thing, spin some shapes when you pulled a lever.

That was boring, plain and boring.

Everyone here was so serious and a lot of them seemed so tired like they had been forced awake or they were up all night partying. Brittany had been up all night partying but she didn't feel as tired as they looked. They all looked dead, their eyes black and showing nothing other than the reflection of the bright lights. They didn't even talk. She could only hear the dinging of the slot machines.

She was only playing on this machine because Kurt had put in a card thing and showed her how to use it and she wasn't sure how to leave. She pressed the button he showed her and pulled the lever and watched the fruits spin round. It would stop slowly one column at a time until all three stopped. Brittany would watch and call out the fruits in her head.

_One cherry._

_Two cherry._

_Three cherry._

The machine made a dinging sound but she didn't get any coins, maybe cherries were bad. That didn't make sense though because she liked cherries but who ever made this game didn't. She didn't like that there was no prize counter and she couldn't count how many tickets she was away from redeeming the giant stuffed animal. Though if there was a giant stuffed animal it would be like a bajillion points that no one could get in a single sitting and she was too impatient so she always left the arcade with just a few laffy taffys.

But she was going to leave _here_ with nothing because she wasn't winning anything.

Gambling is too hard.

"There you are!" Brittany jumped when a hand landed on her shoulder. She turned to see Rachel and Kurt standing behind her.

"We should get going before I lose anymore." Kurt said. "It's only been twenty minutes and I've already lost fifty dollars." Kurt chucked his casino card in the trashcan.

"Gambling just isn't for me either." Rachel added.

She sounded sad which was silly who really wanted to be good at gambling. It was boring.

She pulled the lever one last time because she had already pressed the button. The fruits and shapes spun around.

"How much did you lose, Brittany?" Rachel tried to glance over Brittany's shoulder to see her machine.

Brittany shrugged, she had no idea.

The machine landed on three black bars and dinged loudly. That was exciting. Maybe she won a free drink or something. The dinging didn't stop and other people were starting to stare. She thought maybe a waitress was supposed to come by and stop the machine when she took her drink order but no one was coming.

"Oh my God." Kurt whispered. Brittany turned to look at him and saw him staring with his mouth hanging open.

"What?' Brittany looked down at the machine but it wasn't doing anything. Just dinging. Maybe she broke it.

"Maybe we should go?" Brittany said. She didn't want to have to replace this machine. She probably couldn't afford one. She jumped off her seat and turned to walk away but Rachel grabbed her.

"Brittany. You just won five-thousand-dollars." Rachel pronounced each word carefully like she was afraid Brittany wouldn't understand.

"Oh." Brittany looked down at the machine.

Still no tickets or coins. How did they know? "Really?"

Kurt showed her how to get her card back and they took her to cash out her winnings. She ended up winning $5,432.97 by the time they reached the counter. Rachel made her shove the money into her purse and take it to the bank right away. Brittany was sneaky and kept some in her wallet so she could treat for lunch and drinks later since Kurt and Rachel were so sad about losing before.

They were walking around the strip looking at the different casinos. When they went back to the topic that Brittany had completely forgot about in all the slot machine excitement.

"Did she text you back?" Kurt said.

Brittany had been staring at a pirate ship that was suspended in a sort of moat thing. She wondered how deep the water was and if she'd die if she jumped in, it was too hot out. The water probably wasn't very sanitary though. Did their hotel have a pool?

"What?" Brittany asked.

She still looked down at the water. It didn't smell bad or anything.

"The girl from last night." Kurt added, with an eye roll.

Brittany shot her head up to look at them. Rachel and Kurt were staring at her. She had completely forgotten, how could have she forgotten? Brittany dug her phone out of her pocket and found one new message, her stomach flipped and she suddenly felt nauseous.

She smiled. "She said she'd love to get coffee." Brittany announced.

Kurt patted her on the back. "And you doubted us?"

"But you hate coffee." Rachel spoke over Kurt; of course she was going to kill the mood.

Brittany frowned she forgot about that but coffee seemed like a safe option at the time isn't that what people usually drank in the morning. Except it wasn't morning now were they supposed to get something else. People in England drink tea maybe she should have asked her to get tea but she didn't know if she liked tea either.

"Oh don't worry Brittany." Rachel said. "I think we know of a perfect place."

The two of them gestured to a restaurant across the street. It had long columns and pink banners.

Brittany smiled and typed in the name of the restaurant and a time. She hit send and almost got an immediate response.

**See you there.**


	5. Anywhere You'll Be

**/* Author's Note: Thinking of going with longer chapters. Means less Updates since a chapter this long takes me a week + but I personally like to read longer chapters and I think everyone else will too. What do you think? Anyway read, review follow all the jazz. You can let me know your opinions at diablovixen(.)tumblr(.)com (remove the boobs ;)*/**

Most of the time Brittany was really happy that she had Rachel and Kurt. How else would she know that the restaurant she decided to take Santana was sort of famous? Apparently it was in a movie that was Rachel's only favorite that wasn't based off a musical.

And how else would Brittany have known to get there early to wait in line so Santana wouldn't have to? She was happy they warned her about that. She didn't want Santana waiting in line.

Santana was too pretty to wait in line.

Brittany knew that was a silly thing to think. People sometimes called Brittany pretty too and she waited in line. She was waiting right now, but if she could prevent Santana from having to wait in line, she would. There were a bunch of things she would do for Santana but she couldn't (or probably shouldn't) list them all right now.

Brittany was thankful that Rachel and Kurt told her that the place was famous for their frozen hot chocolates. She wasn't sure if the place was famous because the movie was famous or if the movie was famous because the place was famous because the drink was famous. She had asked Rachel but Rachel just thought for a second then narrowed her eyes and shook her head.

Brittany took the frozen drinks in her hand and scanned the room. Rachel's voice was echoing through her head.

"Make sure you pick a table in a corner, its secluded enough that you can talk intimately."

She listened and found a small little table in the far back corner.

Rachel was good with these type of things. At least she sounded like she was good. For someone who never really had a boyfriend, she sure knew a lot of stuff. Kurt knew a bunch too but he had a boyfriend. The only thing she wasn't thankful for was all the rules they were always telling her about. Dating had too many rules and regulations She wondered if there was a handbook somewhere and if she was supposed to have read it.

Sometimes she wished Kurt and Rachel didn't tell her all the rules she was breaking. Maybe if she didn't know the rules she wouldn't have to worry when she broke them.

Brittany checked her phone. Santana was already thirty minutes late and she hadn't sent any messages.

The drinks were starting to melt and form little pools of water on the table. Brittany wrapped a napkin around Santana's drink. She thought it might work like the thermos and stop it from melting. That was silly. Thermoses acted like Thermoses. Not napkins.

Maybe Santana was already here.

Brittany scanned the room and searched for Santana in the long line. She found nothing and turned to watch the door. Her heart would skip every time it would creak open but it would drop again and again when she saw that it wasn't her.

It had been an hour.

Kurt and Rachel had never told Brittany the rules for getting stood up and Brittany didn't know what to do. She didn't know how long was too long. She looked down at her drink and wrapped her hands around it. It wasn't even cold anymore. Her face grew hot and the back of her throat started to itch. She threw the lukewarm hot chocolates into the garbage and hugged her body as she headed for the door. She swallowed back tears. She didn't want to cry.

She hated crying.

Not that there was anything wrong with crying when someone need to cry but she didn't feel the need very often. And when she did her friends never knew what to do. Rachel and Kurt would go into an utter panic and search every store for her favorite ice cream and buy gallons of it. Then they would pat her back and tell her everything would be okay, it never made her feel better but she didn't have the heart to tell them that.

Right now she was going to go back to the hotel and they were going to tell her that she wasn't just stood up when she knew that she was. That Santana would have wanted to come when she knew she'd already be here if that were true.

Brittany pushed open the door with her elbow. She felt silly for moping like this. She barely knew Santana. Maybe Santana had more important things to do than hang out with a random girl from Ohio.

Brittany froze when her eyes fell on the familiar slender body practically running away from the restaurant.

"Santana?" She called.

The body froze.

* * *

><p>She was an idiot.<p>

Who was she kidding? She had been trying to lie to herself the whole day. Trying to convince herself that this wasn't a date.

It so was.

But Girls didn't date other girls. Well maybe they did. Maybe they did in the movies and in places like this and New York and LA but _this_, this sort of thing wasn't okay where she was from.

If this ever got back to her family…

If her Abuela ever found out about this... The thought send chills up her spin. She'd be banished from her family. Her abuela and her mother didn't even speak anymore and that was only because Santana's mother stopped going to church. But what her mother did (or didn't do), it didn't hold a candle to whatever _this_ was.

Maybe it wasn't a date. It was just two friends getting coffee.

She tried to keep telling herself that but she knew it was bullshit. She didn't try on four different outfits and scrutinize each one before grabbing coffee with anyone else. Not even the boys she was trying to conquer. And she wouldn't have spent the whole walk trying to think of what to say and do when she was grabbing coffee with Quinn. Everything about _this _was different.

Especially the way Brittany made her feel.

She could try to convince herself that it was just a drunken hook-up and it was, at least at first, but she was drawn to Brittany. She wanted Brittany. She desired her in all the ways that a woman should never desire another woman but she couldn't stop herself.

She couldn't stop her feet as they carried her to the restaurant. The stupid cute little romantic restaurant famous from a stupid cute little romantic movie that her old pathetic and hopelessly romantic friend made her watch over and over again in middle school. (Thank God she ditched the bitch when she did.). Now she was here, standing like a moron, frozen by the sound of her name off Brittany's lips.

She was a caught and completely stuck.

Brittany placed a hand on Santana's shoulder and rounded her.

"Hi." Brittany said.

There wasn't anger or bitterness in her tone but Santana could see the tears threatening there. It broke Santana's heart. She had caused that.

"Hey." Santana said. She smiled apologetically. Brittany smiled back and it helped the guilt bubbling in Santana's gut. (A little bit anyway.)

They stood there for a second just smiling.

"Do you want to get a frozen hot chocolate?" Brittany said. And with that simple phrase Santana knew it was all forgiven. Brittany didn't care because she was here now

Brittany bounced in place a little and Santana couldn't help but smile again. Brittany pulled a wad of money out of her pocket. It was a mess of twenties but Santana could tell it was a lot of money. Her eyes went wide.

"My treat." Brittany offered. She held the money high for Santana to see. "Apparently I'm like a professional gambler." She smirked.

Santana glanced around her half expecting someone to pounce on Brittany and jack her money. She wrapped her hand around Brittany's, shielding the money from view.

"Brittany." She hushed warningly.

She pulled Brittany towards the end of the line.

"You can't just wave money around like that." Santana scolded but she laughed a little too. "Plus it's my turn. You already bought two."

Santana helped Brittany stuff her money back into her wallet. They stood in line for a few seconds before Brittany started bouncing up and down again. Santana cocked an eyebrow and smirked.

"You alright over there?" She teased.

"I'm just dying to try one." Brittany said. "I love hot chocolate. But this is like frozen and hot at the same time?" She bounced faster and Santana couldn't help but let out a giggled.

"You didn't try the one you bought before?" Santana said.

"No, I wanted to wait for you." Brittany said causally.

Brittany just shrugged her shoulders like what she said wasn't one of the sweetest things Santana had ever heard.

"So you like staring?" Brittany whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

Santana jumped a little, she didn't realize she was staring well she noticed but she didn't think she was that obvious.

"I- um" Santana stumbled over her words. Great, Brittany had turned her into a bumbling idiot.

"It's okay." Brittany said. "I like to stare too."

Brittany shrugged as she ran her eyes slowly up Santana's legs and stopped at her eyes. Santana felt her face flush. The muscles in her lower stomach tightened. She was melting just from a glance.

Santana cleared her throat and Brittany smirked and turned back to look at the progress of the line. Okay so this girl had gone from adorable to absolutely seductive in an instant.

"Can I help you?" A voice grumbled.

It caused Santana to jump and Brittany let out a chuckle behind her. Santana's cheeks flushed. She didn't even know they reached the counter. Was she walking up to the head of the line or did Brittany drag her the whole way?

"I um- Two frozen hot chocolates." She glanced back at Brittany who was bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet again. Santana couldn't help the dorky smile that crossed her face before she added. "Please."

* * *

><p>Santana was funny. Like really funny. She kept making these little jokes about her friends or people that walked by them. They weren't mean. They were just jokes but they were so funny. Brittany's face was starting to hurt from smiling and her ribs were already throbbing.<p>

"Okay you have to stop." Brittany tried to rub the stitch in her side. "For like 2 seconds."

Santana stopped mid-sentence and cocked an eyebrow.

"My ribs." Brittany said. She tried to suppress a smile but she couldn't. "I'm pretty sure I'm going to throw up."

Santana jumped in her seat and she stared to look worried.

"Just kidding." Brittany said. She still tried to massage her side but it wasn't working. "But no more jokes." She said.

Santana smiled. It was a cute little confident smile. It looked sexy on her.

"So why are you in Vegas?" Brittany asked.

Brittany figured if she could steer the conversation she could stop Santana from making another joke before she really did feel like she was going to throw up.

"It's my friend's birthday." Santana said. "I told you about Quinn."

Brittany let out a little laugh when she remembered the last story about Quinn. She rubbed her side a little.

"Ow." She grimaced.

"Sorry." Santana muttered. She smiled lightly and Brittany returned it.

"Its her birthday." Santana continued. "And of course Ms. Religious-Society would want to come to Sin City." Santana said. She waved off the idea with her hand.

Santana took a final sip of her frozen hot chocolate. "What about you?" She asked.

"Dance Competition." Brittany said. "My parents usually come with me but this is the first year they let me come with just my friends."

Santana smiled at her. "That's awesome." There was a quick pause.

"Did you win?" Santana asked.

Brittany smiled and shook her head.

"Third place." Brittany said.

She wasn't disappointed. Third place was good and she had fun and met a lot of cool girls. She was happy with Third place. Rachel wasn't of course. Brittany had listened to Rachel as she threatened to petition the judges and told Brittany to boycott the program next year. She was just being silly though.

"You shoulda won." Santana said.

She sounded like Rachel. Brittany just shrugged. It was sweet of her to say anyway. Santana leaned across the table.

"I saw you dancing at the bar. You can shake it, girl." Santana said.

Santana's hand fell on top of Brittany's on the table. Brittany couldn't help but look down at them. Santana's hand was so soft and warm around her fingers that were still cold from gripping her drink. She looked up into Santana's almond eyes. Santana ripped her hand away and glanced around the room like she had been expecting someone to be there.

"I -um." Santana stuttered. She put her hands under the table.

Brittany wished she didn't do that. She wished her hands were right back where they were. Her hand felt suddenly colder without her soft warmth there.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Brittany offered.

Santana nodded and followed Brittany out of the restaurant. It was already starting to get dark. Brittany hadn't realized they had been inside for long.

They walked in quiet for a while. Brittany didn't really have a destination and she wasn't sure who was actually guiding them. They just seemed to be walking together. She was happy that Santana didn't seem to have a destination either so they just enjoyed the Vegas Strip and each other. Santana was making jokes again and Brittany's side was starting to hurt again.

They came to stop in front of a hotel with a huge fountain or pond or something. It wasn't a moat like the pirate ship place this was way prettier. There was a bunch of people gathered around the banisters at the edge of the water. Brittany stopped and searched for what they were waiting for. Maybe someone famous was here.

It would probably be weird for them to be in the giant pond though.

"It's a water show." Just as Santana said it music blasted over the loud speakers. No singing, just fast paced beats. Santana reached out and grabbed Brittany's wrist.

"You have to watch." Santana called over the music.

She pulled Brittany to an open part of the banisters and they watched as a jet of water spouted fifty feet into the air. More jets and lights danced to the beat of the music and Brittany watched in awe. This was the coolest thing ever.

Brittany felt eyes and turned her head to catch Santana looking at her. Santana quickly turned away. Brittany looked down, Santana's hand was hanging loosely by her side. Brittany gently wrapped her fingers around hers. She felt Santana's fingers tightened. She chanced a glance at Santana. Santana still hadn't taken her eyes off the water show but Brittany saw her lips curved upwards in a sneaky smile.

This definitely was the coolest thing Brittany had ever seen.

* * *

><p>Santana had been thinking about holding Brittany's hand all night. It was always right there, all she had to do was reach out and grab it.<p>

But she was terrified.

Santana didn't know what she expected to happen. Her Abuela, along with the rest of her family, was back home in Ohio and hundreds of miles away. She had a haunting feeling that the second she wrapped her hand around Brittany's her Abuela would jump out from behind a bush and start mumbling prayers and quoting the passages of the Bible she was so obviously violating.

But Abuela wasn't here and no one was smiting them.

When Santana felt Brittany's hand on hers she panicked for a second, as she waited for the world to end.

But it didn't.

The water show continued. The music still blared over the loud speakers and the audience still clapped and cheered. Santana seemed to be the only person that noticed the change in the atmosphere. She thought that maybe Brittany did too because she could see Brittany smiling out of the corner of her eye. She knew she had to be smiling too.

This wasn't so bad. Actually it was less than bad. This was good. This felt so good. Something calming radiated through her like she had dipped herself in the water. She didn't even realize she was tense and uneasy but now that Brittany was holding her she felt something keeping her grounded from all the thoughts and fears that had been consuming her. They floated away into the misty air and only Brittany's hold had kept her from floating away with them.

Nothing else had ever made her feel like that. For once she didn't think about what it meant or why it felt that way. She just cared that her and Brittany were here and they could enjoy the moment together.

The light show had long since ended. The mist from the jets of water had fallen back to the now stagnant pond. The crowd was starting to filter away but Santana and Brittany stayed at the banister. She was content to stand here with her hand in Brittany's forever.

Brittany's shoulder playfully bumped Santana. She turned to look at her careful not to tangle their hands.

She didn't want to let go.

"Hm?" Santana said.

"Where do you wanna go?" Brittany asked.

Santana shrugged. She tightened her grip and pulled Brittany towards the sidewalk and filtered back into the crowd.

"Anywhere you'll be." Santana said.

The smile on Brittany's face was brighter than all the lights in Vegas.

No one stared at them. Maybe it was just that no one thought it was strange that two girls were holding hands or maybe they had seen stranger things her in Las Vegas. Santana didn't care either way. Even if they did look, even if they did care, she'd never see them again anyway.

She felt a chill run up and down her arms. She hadn't expected the desert to get so friggin cold at night. Maybe she shouldn't have worn such a short dress today. She felt the goose bumps growing on her exposed skin. She ran her free hand up and down her arm to generate some warmth.

"You're freezing." Brittany said.

"It's fine." Santana said.

"Come on." Brittany pulled Santana into one of those tacky tourist shops. "Let me get you something."

She was way too cold to even bother protesting the idea. She followed Brittany straight to the display of sweatshirts. Their hands finally split as they struggled to maneuver around the sea of tourists. Santana distracted herself from the loss of Brittany's touch by looking through the sweatshirts. She grabbed one that she liked. It was the simplest black one she could find with LAS VEGAS written in tiny little white letters. She turned to look for Brittany and found Brittany staring at her.

"That one?" Brittany asked almost accusingly.

"What's wrong with this one?" Santana said.

"It's like the most boring one they have." Brittany teased. "This one is so much better."

It was then that Santana noticed Brittany was holding a white plastic bag. Brittany pulled out the contents of the bag and held up the fabric for Santana. It was bright pink, almost neon, and had LAS VEGAS in giant blue letters.

Santana couldn't suppress a laugh. "I could never pull that off." She said.

Brittany stepped forward and pulled the black hoodie out of Santana's hand and placed it back on the display.

"Too bad. I already bought it for you." Brittany said. Brittany smiled slyly.

Brittany pulled the hoodie over Santana's head before she could protest. Santana felt her shoulders sink as soon as Brittany stepped away. Pink was not her color.

"It looks so hot on you." Brittany whispered so only Santana could hear. Santana laughed again.

"Oh and they have matching sweatpants." Brittany called out. She stepped to brush past Santana.

Santana grabbed her hand to stop her before Brittany dressed her in anymore obnoxious colors.

"This is fine." Santana said. Brittany stopped and smiled. "Thank you." She added.

She wrapped her hand tighter around Brittany's and pulled her out of the store.

"You're very welcome." Brittany said through a smile.

She felt absolutely ridiculous in her bright pink hoodie but the way Brittany was casting her sideways glances made her seriously start to wonder if Brittany's comment in the store was real. Maybe she should start wearing pink more often.

They had been walking for only a little bit before Brittany stopped suddenly and pulled Santana down a short ramp. Santana almost had to run to keep up with Brittany's long strides.

"Brittany?" She gasped out when they had finally stopped.

Santana looked around at the gray concrete walls and the lines of parked cars. They must have been inside one of the basement parking garages of one of the casinos. She cocked an eyebrow at Brittany.

"I'm sorry." Brittany said. She took a step towards Santana. "It's just the pink-"

Santana's bottom lip was swallowed by Brittany's. The force of Brittany's body sent Santana's back slamming against the wall. Santana let out a gasp as all the air escaped her lungs. Brittany pulled away quickly.

"Sorry, Sorry." Brittany apologized. She cradled Santana's cheek in her hand.

"I'm fine." Santana said with a smile. She gave Brittany a quick kiss. "You just surprised me."

"Ninja kisses are the best kind." Brittany whispered before she swallowed Santana's lips again.

Santana couldn't help but agree.

* * *

><p>Brittany had lost all sense of time or maybe it was because time didn't matter to her anymore.<p>

She could kiss Santana forever.

She didn't care that they were in an empty casino parking lot and that the walls were gray and muted. She only thought about Santana's hands on her waist and the smacking of their lips echoing against the walls. Santana was trying to leverage herself up into Brittany's kisses. One heel was propped up and pushed against the concrete wall behind her. It was causing Santana's inner thigh to rub against Brittany's side.

It was driving Brittany wild.

Brittany ram her hand up the outside of Santana's leg. She slipped her hand up and under her dress and ran her nails back down again. She felt Santana's body tighten every time she moved her hand just a little bit higher.

Brittany was regretting getting Santana the sweatshirt. She looked hot in it, without a doubt, but Brittany wanted to kiss her neck. She wanted to hear the sounds Santana would make when her lips ran against her collarbone and she wanted to feel Santana's muscles clench when she did it.

"Hey." Brittany said. She practically had to pry her lips away from Santana's and when she did Santana's swollen lips pouted. Brittany felt herself smirk.

"Can't we take this off?" Brittany said. She tugged at the bottom of the sweatshirt.

Santana lifted her arms as an answer. She yanked it up and over Santana's head but Santana's necklace got caught on something. She carefully picked the gold necklace out of the tangled thread and dropped the sweatshirt on the hood of a nearby car.

Brittany toyed with the chain and pinched the tiny gold cross on the end between her fingers. She brought it closer to her eyes and saw the small ruby stone embedded in the middle.

"This is pretty." Brittany commented.

Santana didn't respond. Brittany dropped the necklace gently back against her neck and leaned in for another kiss. Her lips landed against Santana's cheek when Santana turned her lips away.

"Brittany-" Santana said.

Santana's voice cracked at the end of her name as she pushed Brittany away. Brittany felt herself fall backwards, using the car behind her as leverage to keep from falling.

"Santana?" She asked.

Santana took a few steps away. Brittany could see Santana running her fingers over the cross against her neck.

"It was Mi Abuela's." Santana said.

"Oh." Brittany said. She wasn't sure what to say or how to react. She didn't know what she did to make Santana so upset. "Is she okay?"

Santana laughed. It was a dry scary laugh. "She's fine back home in-" Santana paused. "She's fine."

Brittany took a step towards Santana but Santana jumped backwards.

"If she knew about this..." Santana mumbled. Brittany wasn't sure who Santana was talking to anymore.

Santana looked up at Brittany. "This isn't okay." She said.

Brittany studied her for a second. "What isn't okay?"

"_This_." Santana said. She spoke the word like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why?" Brittany asked.

Santana laughed that scary laugh again. "For so many reasons."

"You don't want to kiss me?" Brittany said.

She knew it was a silly question to ask especially after she seen the way Santana reacted to her. She'd felt the way Santana's body reacted to her touches. Santana's eyes widened. Her mouth opened and closed a few times but nothing ever came out. Santana cleared her throat.

"There's right and there's wrong. _This_ is wrong. I know it is." Santana's voice had a harshness to it that Brittany hadn't heard before.

Brittany tried to shake off the confusion. She wanted so badly for this to make sense. She wanted so badly to know why what they were doing that Santana thought was so bad. "What's so wrong about it?"

Santana's eyes narrowed. Brittany could see her thinking harder and harder. She came up with nothing. Even if there was a real answer to the question, Santana didn't have it. Brittany took a step closer when she saw a tear drop down Santana's cheek.

"Santana?" She reached out to grab Santana's arm. Santana shook her off.

"No, this can't happen. It was just sex. And it stops now." Santana said. She slammed her foot down on the cement to emphasize the point. "I'm leaving Vegas tomorrow and it's over. Whatever _this_ is. It's over."

Brittany's heart fell. She could feel the tears threatening. She stared down at the ground and tried to swallow them. Brittany could hear her heels clicking on the cement and echoing around the empty garage as Santana started to leave.

"Santana." She called. Santana only stopped her progress. She didn't bother to turn around. Brittany grabbed the sweatshirt off the hood of the car. She ran over and held it out making sure to keep plenty of distance between them. "It's still cold."

Santana turned slowly. Her face was softer than it had just been. There was a flash of something there. It gave Brittany a sense of hope. Santana reached out to take the sweatshirt, her hand brushed Brittany's. It lingered for a second longer than it needed it.

Without another word Santana was gone.


	6. Back In Ohio

Sometimes choices have to be made between what you want and what you need.

Santana knows this. It was one of the first and most important lessons Abuela had ever taught her. God's laws were made to be followed. So Santana followed them. She came back from Las Vegas and went back to her quiet life in Lima, Ohio. Praying away her sins of gluttony and sloth from a long weekend of partying in a sinful place. But there was one thing she couldn't pray away. It was the thing she should have needed to pray away the most.

But saying it aloud, even just to God and even just inside her head would just confirm what she had done. It would just confirm that she had done something so wrong on so many levels but it wasn't that part that scared her the most. No, what scared her the most was the emptiness she felt ever sense she had left that parking garage a few weeks ago.

She had ripped open a hole. She wasn't sure where the hole was just that in was in some vital organ somewhere.. Every thing seemed ten times harder now. The good moments were bad since she had no one to celebrate with and the bad one's were worse because she had no one to lean on. That was silly though. She had lived like this for so long before, it had become second nature to her. This was her life. Maybe other people had someone to call at 3AM when they just needed someone to talk to or someone to grab drinks with to celebrate a promotion at work. But those people had someone that cared about them.

No one had cared about her for a long time.

The one shred of hope that maybe there was something for her out there was gone. The number, her only connection, deleted from her phone as soon as the airplane touched down in Ohio. She needed to prevent the temptations she knew she would have. But no matter the pain or the loneliness she felt she knew she was doing the right thing. She knew she would get over it and move on with her life because Brittany was just someone she wanted.

But this hole made it sure as hell feel like someone she needed.

_The Ohio Marriage Equality Commission has gotten themselves into another public relations fiasco. Protests have turned violent again, sending six protestors to the hospital at a rally yesterday in Cleveland. The Mayor is expected to hold a press confer-_

Quinn switched off the ignition, cutting off the radio causing the sudden silence to pull Santana out of her daze.

"You need to snap out of whatever the hell has been going on with you." Quinn said as she slammed the car door. Santana followed her.

"There's nothing going on." Santana snapped.

Her voice lacked the usual venom and she could tell that Quinn wasn't buying it. Quinn just rolled her eyes and ran her fingers through her short blonde locks.

"You've been a miserable bitch ever since we got back. Who would have thought that Santana Lopez would pinning over a guy like this." Quinn said.

"Fuck you, Quinn." Santana gulped down a breath.

Quinn had the semantics right but she was missing some of the details. That didn't matter. She didn't need reminders of Brittany, especially from Quinn Fucking Fabray.

"Did you bring me to this stupid fucking party to just piss me off?" Santana added.

Quinn smirked. "We need to make an impression. That's why I invited you."

"And why do I need to make an impression?" Santana said.

She suddenly realized that they were standing on a doorstep. The music from the obvious party inside was thudding through the wooden door.

_Wait, were those show tunes? _

Quinn was doing her pre-party entrance adjustments. She pulled a compact mirror from her purse and patted down her hair and touched up her makeup.

"These are public school kids, Santana." Quinn said it was something she had told Santana a million times. She probably did, Santana had stopped listening when Quinn said the words 'keg' and 'fully stocked bar.' She didn't really give a fuck beyond any of that. "We need to show them who really runs this town." Quinn added.

Santana cocked an eyebrow. Quinn was a terrible actress. She was plotting something. Santana could practically hear the fucking gears spinning and grinding in her stupid little evil head. She would never put this much effort and cake on this much makeup just to _show the public school kids who's boss_. She only pulls off these schemes when she's trying to-

"What's his name?" The brunette said.

Quinn glanced at her quickly but returned back to her compact mirror. She applied another coat of lip-gloss and annoyingly slacked her lips together.

"Quinn, what the fuck is his name?" Santana asked.

"Puck." Quinn said. "And his best friend's name is Finn. They're really close."

Santana sighed. Of fucking course. She knew she should have seen through the whole you-need-to-get-out-of-the-house-for-your-own-good charade. Santana was here for Quinn. And not in the supportive best friend sort of way, because, you know, they didn't do that shit. She was here to entertain the tongue of the hideous loser best friend so Quinn could get some.

Quinn dotted every i and crossed every fucking t of this bullshit plan of hers. Even offering to be the designated driver so Santana wouldn't hop in her car and take off like speed racer when she caught scent of this fucking plan. So she was stuck here. This bitch owed her. She fucking owed her.

Quinn had dragged Santana into the house before she could contemplate any escape routes. They were standing in the middle of the living room when a douchbag with a Mohawk (seriously?) strutted up to them.

Santana shot Quinn a do-you-see-this-fucking-hair look but Quinn was too busy pretending to not notice him.

"Hey girl." Mohawk dragged out the last word. He was either tipsy or really needed to update his game. Maybe that shit worked in high school.

He took a sip from his red solo cup and flashed a toothy grin. God these public school kids were pathetic. Santana was just about to tell Vanilla Ice where he could shove it.

"Hi." Quinn spoke with that stupid fucking shy bashful voice she used when she was playing the innocent virgin card. It was ridiculous because she _so_ wasn't any of those things but the guys fell for it. Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

Santana shot Quinn a look that said. _This is the fucking guy?_

This was one of the few benefits of being friends so long and having almost a decade together of manipulating boys and classmates. They had this amazing ability to communicate entire sentences with just a single glance. Quinn answered with a subtle but firm nod that said _yes and deal with it_. Santana turned her attention back to the figure standing in front of her. She didn't even bother to return the smile when she noticed him running his eyes up Santana's legs and lingered for a few seconds too long on her chest. She couldn't blame him for lingering though, this dress looked _real_ good with these tits.

"Puck." Quinn said. She turned shyly away from him and smiled like a little girl on the playground. Santana couldn't help the eye roll that followed.

"This is my best friend Santana." Quinn spoke with a high-pitched enthusiasm in her voice that was so obviously fake that she was surprised Puck didn't catch it but then again he probably stopped thinking with his head a while ago. Quinn hooked her elbow through Santana's just to prove how close they really were. It took everything in Santana not to wince at the contact. She wasn't a touchy feely sort of person, especially when it came to Quinn. Santana was pretty sure she was going to vomit if she didn't get at least a little bit of alcohol in her system.

Puck held out a huge hand. She felt Quinn nudge her shoulder just a little bit. Santana knew it was her cue to turn on her act but she just didn't fucking care right now. She reluctantly took Puck's hand and shook it. His grip was firm but he was gentle. She was pretty sure he was trying to flex. What a dorky-ass move but at least he had some muscle to flex in the first place.

"Pleasure to meet you Santana." Puck said. His hand lingered longer than it needed to. Santana had to practically rip from his vice grip around her fingers.

"Hey." Someone called from behind Puck. Santana glanced up to see a tall dorky guy towering over all of them, Puck included. Puck wasn't a small guy but this kid was fucking huge. Maybe that's why he looked so out of it, they probably got less quality oxygen up there or some shit.

"Oh." Puck pulled his eyes away from Santana's chest. (Caught staring again.) He stepped aside so he could push Finn forward and into the group. "This is my good buddy Finn." He slapped Finn on the back. Finn fell forward a little before he caught himself.

Great while Quinn is gunning for super dork tonight, she's going to be stuck playing tonsil hockey with super duper dork. First she just needed to find a fucking step stood.

Puck led the group into the kitchen where he was setting up a row of shot glasses and filling them with a bottle from the far cabinet. There was group of people talking and laughing in the far corner but Santana didn't really pay them much attention. She didn't want to have to interact with any more of these idiots if she could help it. Not with at least a couple more galloons of liquor in her / Quinn was already progressing towards the flirty your-jokes-are-way-too-funny phase. She was playfully slapping Puck on his flexed biceps as she threw her head back to laugh.

Santana didn't even bother talking or even looking at Finn. Its not like she really needed to. She was hot. He was not. Santana just needed to jiggle her girls on the walk into the kitchen and her work for the night was done. Now Finn was standing closely behind her his chest bumping into her back, already staking claim to something he didn't even own in the first place. Santana felt a temptation to throw a few elbows his way. Maybe she would slap him on the bicep and throw her head back when she apologized. That would piss Quinn off.

She felt Finn's hand fall against her waist as he leaned forward to take the shot glass Puck was offering him. Santana cringed at the touch and used everything in her power to stop herself from ripping his arm off and beating him to death with it.

Quinn owed her she repeated to herself. And Santana was sure as fuck going to get repaid for all of this bullshit.

Puck poured another shot and handed it to Santana. She swallowed it down without even asking what it was. It was strong and it burned the back of her throat but this was some good shit.

"Woah there." Puck said with a grin. "Wait for the rest of the class."

He refilled her shot glass. She waited this time scoffing as they cheers for something Santana didn't even bother listening to. Santana's glass was downed, on the table and getting refilled before the rest of them could even tilt their heads back.

"Damn, I like the girl." Puck said. He coughed a little as he dropped his empty shot glass next to Santana's.

Quinn shot her a glare from behind Puck. Santana new that meant she wasn't being a good wingman but fuck it. She wanted more and she was going to have more. If Quinn couldn't keep up that was her problem.

After the next couple of shots she resorted to just holding the liquor in one hand and pouring it into the empty shot glass in her other. It was a real time saver except for Puck annoying her to refill his. Quinn and Finn weren't taking any more shots. They were standing next to the fridge talking about some boring shit. Quinn making sure to shoot Santana annoyed glances every five seconds. Santana pretended to not see them.

It's not her fault she's hotter and better and can drink more.

Then there was this sound. A familiar sound that made Santana's ears perk up. It was a laugh. Santana knew that laugh. But it couldn't be from the same source. She left her hundreds of miles away. Her heart was suddenly beating at 100 million beats per second. She shot up her glance to the group of people across the kitchen. There was blonde hair. Way too familiar blonde hair. Santana scrunched her eyes to see better her head already felt woozy, maybe she was imaging this shit.

The alcohol had to be playing tricks on her.

The blonde figured threw her head backwards in another hearty laugh and playful slapped an Asian girl standing next to her. That laugh. Can two people have the same laugh and the same hair and the same beautiful slender legs?

As if sensing the eyes on her the blonde turned around. Blue eyes meant almond one's.

"Santana?"

Santana's world came crashing to the ground.

* * *

><p>A deafening sound filled the kitchen as glass met tile. But Brittany didn't have the time to process that sound. She was still staring into wide almond eyes and smiling like an idiot.<p>

"Santana?" She repeated. Mostly to remind herself that this was real. That Santana was here. That someone had brought them together.

It was all too much to make sense of it. Brittany ignored the crowd of people gathering around the mess of glass and booze at Santana's feet. She only cared that the feet were Santana's feet. The wide almond eyes were Santana's eyes. Her mind went back to the night in the parking garage. Their parting words had crushed Brittany but that lingering touch. It gave her a sense of hope. She hoped that she would hear from her or see her again. Maybe she would go back to Vegas next year and see her. But she didn't need to do that now. She was here.

She was standing right in front of her.

"Santana." Brittany said. Now she was trying to snap Santana out of her own daze. Santana's eyes were still wide with shock or maybe they were wide with fear or maybe even embarrassment. She did just drop glass on her feet.

_Was she hurt?_

"Santana are you okay?" Brittany asked. She reached out for Santana's hand but Santana pulled it away and hid it them both behind her back.

"What happened?" Rachel screamed as she stepped into the kitchen. Brittany spun around to meet her friends' eyes.

Rachel eyes instantly shot to the mess on the floor. "Guys." Rachel said. She rested her hands on her hips.

"Rachel its fine." Puck called over Santana's shoulder. "We just need a mop or something and it'll be fine."

"My dads are going to be furi-" Rachel shot her eyes to glare at Puck but she stopped mid-sentence when her eyes fell on the Latina standing in the middle of the broken glass. "Santana?"

Rachel's e back went rigid like she was trying to stand six feet tall. She puffed her chest out and swallowed something in her throat. I would of thought she was getting ready to start a fight if she didn't seem like she was about to cry.

"Hobbit." Santana said casually. I shot my eyes back to Santana. She wasn't looking at me anymore. Her eyes were narrowed, her arms were crossed and she was glaring at Rachel.

"Who invited you here?" Rachel said. Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence. "Why would you come here?"

Santana let out a harsh laugh. "You think I'd come to this shire if I knew it'd be your lame ass party, Dwarf."

"Make fun of me all you want, Santana." Rachel tried to cross her arms and mimic Santana. Brittany could see Rachel's arms shaking as she did it. "I like the way I am."

"Well no one else does." Santana countered. Brittany shot her eyes back at Santana who seemed to be purposely avoiding looking at her.

Rachel opened her mouth to counter but nothing came out. Instead Rachel turned on her heels and ran out of the room.

* * *

><p>Santana watched Rachel storm out of the room the tall blonde lingered for a moment. Santana refused to look but she knew Brittany was staring at her. She knew she had so many questions right now but she felt relieved when she saw the blonde run out the room following Rachel through the hallway.<p>

"You know Brittany?" Puck whispered. "And Rachel Berry?"

Santana shrugged. She grabbed his cup and finished whatever was inside in one long chug. That was a mistake, apparently Puck liked his hard liquor and he didn't like his mixers. Santana held her hand over her mouth to keep her drink down.

"I like this chick." Puck said. Santana could hear Quinn scoff over from her corner with Finn. They were still chatting but Quinn wasn't listening to anything he was saying, she turned off the innocent little girl act since she wasn't interested. She knew she wasn't going to get what she wanted, so bitch mode was fully engaged. Poor Finnocence.

"Lets get you out of here." Puck said, offering Santana his hand.

She took it and ignored the crunch as she stepped over the pile of glass and alcohol covering the kitchen tile. She followed Puck into another room and down a pair of stairs to some sort of den. There was music coming out of the speakers and some people were dancing. Santana hopped off the last stair and lost her balanced. She fell into Puck who grabbed at her waist to steady her.

"Woah there." Puck said before he handed her another drink. She wasn't sure where he just got it from but Santana drank it anyway.

"Come on." Puck called to her when she finished her drink. He dragged her into the middle of the dancing crowd. He ran his hands up and down her ass. He pulled her closely so they were grinding up against each other to the beat of the music. It was normally a move that Santana would reject with a firm slap but she didn't fucking care right now, the room was spinning and she wasn't sure if it was just because of the alcohol. Puck's grip on her was the only thing keeping her from falling over as she tried to sway to the music.

Santana wasn't sure how long they were grinding up against one another before Puck said something and disappeared into the crowd. Santana figured she was supposed to say there when he didn't come back for her. She swayed for a little while. She felt the alcohol hitting her system and suddenly the floor felt like the ceiling and she was dancing on the wall. She cradled her head to stop the spinning but she was already falling.

Then something grabbed her around the waist and steadied her. The hands were strong like Puck's but they were also gentle and oddly calming. A caring thumb stroked her hips as she was brought back up to her feet.

Santana followed the trail of the slender pale fingers up to an arm and into blue eyes.

"You drank a lot." Brittany said.

Santana tried to pull from the grasp but she only fell more and caused Brittany to have to squeeze her tighter to keep her from falling backwards onto the floor.

"I'm trying to dance." Santana slurred.

Brittany loosened her grip on Santana's' waist but didn't let go.

"So lets dance." Brittany said.

Brittany swayed gently to the music. Santana was more being guided by Brittany then actually dancing with her but it was probably easier this way. She was pretty sure she'd fall if Brittany let go of her right now.

There were dancing closer and closer. Santana wrapped her arms around Brittany's pale shoulders to steady herself more. Santana remembered the nuns at her high school dances. They would walk around with rulers measuring the pairs of boys and girls to make sure everyone was at least six inches apart. If they weren't they would slap the boys forearm with a ruler until he learned to dance the "proper way."

At her school, girls weren't allowed to danced with girls and guys weren't allowed to dance with guys. And they weren't allowed to dance as close as Brittany and Santana were dancing. And they certainly weren't allowed to be admiring the cute little freckle on Brittany's left breast the way Santana was.

"So hot." Santana heard over her shoulder. She whipped her head around so fast her neck cramped. She found Puck standing there with his mouth wide open. She pulled away from Brittany and staggered back a few steps before Puck caught her awkwardly, copping a feel of her chest in the process.

"Don't mind me." Puck whispered into her ear. "You two keep doing what you're doing." He said louder.

Brittany's eyes narrowed but she didn't say anything. She just watched Santana, waiting for some sort of reaction. Maybe she was really hoping for Santana to throw Puck some sort of rejection. But Santana did nothing.

Puck touching her should be okay. Brittany touching her wasn't.

Santana pulled her eyes away from Brittany and tugged Puck's arm.

"Come with me." She said to him as she pulled him towards the first empty bedroom she could find.

* * *

><p>Brittany deflated as she watched Santana drag Puck off the dance floor. She knew where it was going. She knew what was going to happen. She shouldn't care though. They weren't a thing. Santana made that clear that night in the parking garage. But she still wished. She still wanted…<p>

Brittany dragged her body out to the front porch. It was cold out so no one was here and Brittany didn't feel like being in the partying mood right now. Brittany hugged her body for warmth and plopped down on the swing. The sounds of the rest of the party were drowned out but the whistling of the bitter cold wind.

It was over.

Santana had told her that already but Brittany had hope when she saw Santana standing there. That Santana would realize that they were meant to be together. No one could convince her otherwise.

A girl with short blonde hair stepped out on the porch. She looked over the yard before she found Brittany sitting in the corner on the swing.

"Have you seen a guy named Puck?" The girl huffed.

"Um." Brittany looked up to meet green eyes. She didn't want to lie. She never lied but she didn't want to make this girl anymore upset than she already seemed.

"Is he with Santana?" The girl questioned.

Brittany's face fell instinctively and her eyes fell to the floor. The girl took that for an answer.

"That bitch." The girl shouted before she stomped off to the row of cars. She hopped into a gorgeous blue car. Brittany could tell it was nice and expensive even in the dark and by the sound of the engine as she took off down the road.

A few minutes later Brittany saw a familiar Mohawk stomp out the front door. "Fucking bitch." He muttered under his breath. He buttoned his shirt as he walked and then he hopped up into his pick up truck and sped down the road.

Tanned legs followed not long after. She paused at the edge of the porch and searched the line of cars. Brittany didn't say anything as she watched Santana. Santana looked so small right now. She was always a little shorter but this was a different kind of small. She was hugging her body so close that she felt like she was trying to make herself disappear. Maybe she wanted to.

"Puck left." Brittany said.

Santana jumped and whipped around and finally found Brittany sitting in the dark corner. Brittany felt Santana's eyes searching her. Brittany kept her eyes fixed in front of her afraid eye contact would hurt too much.

"I was looking for Quinn actually." Santana said. She looked back towards the road.

"She left too I think." Brittany said. "Short blonde hair?"

Santana nodded.

"They don't seem to be huge fans of yours." Brittany said. She glanced quickly over at Santana and tried to give her a small smile to hide the hurt she felt. It was over. She shouldn't feel hurt. She kept trying to remind herself.

"They're the biggest actually. President and Vice President of the Santana Lopez Fan Club." Santana said.

Brittany frowned.

"You can join if you want." Santana added. "From what I hear there's a huge waiting list. But I know someone with connections." Santana laughed darkly at herself.

"No thank you." Brittany whispered.

A silence hung between them. Santana reached down and took off her high heels. She took a few steps down the porch and winced when her feet touched the cold cement.

"Well good night." Santana said.

Brittany watched Santana take a few wavering steps towards the street. "Wait where are you going?" Brittany said. She jumped the steps entirely and raced to walk in line with Santana.

"Home?" Santana said.

"You're walking?" Brittany said.

"The fan club is very busy these days." Santana joked.

"How far is it?"

"Um. A Few miles" Santana said.

Brittany frowned before she grabbed Santana's wrist and pulled her in the opposite direction.

"My apartment is right around the block." Brittany said. "You can stay there and when we're good and sober in the morning I can give you a ride home."

* * *

><p>Santana sat on the very edge of the Brittany's bed. She watched the light of the bathroom door and saw Brittany's shadow as she moved around the bathroom. Santana gently sipped the water Brittany had given her. She could still feel all the alcohol in her system but her brain was very sober. Especially after what had happened with Puck.<p>

She didn't know why she cared, Santana Lopez didn't care. She should be proud. She got what she wanted and put Quinn in her place. As always, but she felt anything but proud.

She felt dirty.

She felt disgusting and she felt like her skin was crawling with Puck's touches. The thoughts of them made her feel Puck's' invisible spider touches everywhere. She felt his teeth against the pulse of her neck. The short nails scratching up and down her inner thigh. The fingertips pushing against dry underwear.

Santana jumped at the sound of the door. Brittany wasn't wearing makeup anymore. She had on long pink plaid pajama pants and a white tank top.

"Are you okay?" Brittany whispered even though she didn't really need to. Brittany lived alone minus her extra large cat who was slumbering in the corner.

Santana just nodded. Hoping she could convince Brittany and shake the images of Puck from her mind at the same time. Neither worked.

Brittany didn't say anything. She just watched Santana with sideways glances as she pulled some clothes from her dresser.

"Here." Brittany said as she held her clothes out to Santana.

She suddenly felt out of place. She didn't belong in Brittany's apartment, on Brittany's bed, in Brittany's clothes. Brittany was so pure and kind even after everything Santana had done. Santana was just a disgusting whore and coming here was a horrible idea. Santana jumped up causing Brittany to step back in shock at the suddenness of her movements.

She wanted to say she should go and run out the door and leave this place and these things she didn't even deserve but she couldn't. She didn't want to. She felt so horrible and so lonely and oh God she needed Brittany right now.

"I-" Santana started. "Do you think I could take a shower?"

Brittany didn't respond for a second. She glanced quickly over to the clock. Santana knew it had to say something close to 2:30am, she had checked before. But Brittany's face didn't harden or change or show any indication that what Santana wanted was strange.

Brittany ushered Santana into the bathroom and told her she would leave the clothes on the sink before Santana heard the door close behind her.

Santana turned the temperature all the way towards the little red H and stood in the scalding water hoping to burn off all of his touches from her skin. Then she remembered the years of touches that were there, touches from men just like Puck who were rough and careless with their lips and fingers and everything else. Those touches were engraved deep inside her and no amount of soap and scrubbing could ever get those touches off her.

She tried anyway.

The water had gone ice cold by the time Santana had stepped out. Her fingers were pruning and her body was shaking from the loss of the scalding heat. She put on Brittany's clothes. Brittany had given her red sweatpants with McKinley written up the leg and a white McKinley Phys Ed t-shirt. The sweatpants were a little long on her legs but it felt good. It felt oddly familiar and normal. Like she belonged in them.

But she knew she didn't.

She stepped out of the bathroom and saw Brittany already curling in her bed. She was tucked into the side furthest away from the bathroom with her back to Santana. She wondered if Brittany always slept on that side or if she did it on purpose to leave room for Santana.

She took a step towards the bed and froze. Brittany hadn't told her were to sleep. Maybe she assumed Santana would know to sleep on the lumpy couch in the living room.

"Santana?" Brittany called sleepily. She turned slowly to face Santana, squinting from the light from the bathroom,

"Sorry." Santana muttered. She reached behind her and flicked the bathroom light off and enveloped hersellf in black darkness.

"How was your shower?" Brittany asked. "All clean."

_No._

"Yes." Santana lied.

"Great come to bed." Brittany said. Santana could hear Brittany padding the bed. Santana crawled through the darkness until she felt the warm cotton of the bed. She pulled the blanked up to her neck and brought her head back to the pillow.

"Night." Brittany said. Santana could hear the smile in her words.

"Goodnight." Santana said. Her eyes closed and she drifted off to sleep.

**/* Author's Note: Thanks to All of you that read, review, Subscribe. Especially those that review I love hearing from you guys!*/**


	7. Until Proven False

The early morning sun beamed through the cracks of Brittany's blinds. She had been up for at least an hour but she was content to lay and listen to the rhythmic breathing of a sleeping Santana. Even in slumber Santana's brow furrowed. Brittany wondered if she was the cause of that or if Santana had always been the type of person who was deep in thoughts and dreams even when she was sound sleep.

A stray piece of hair fluttered across Santana's face, rising and falling to the beat of her breathing. It took everything in Brittany to stop herself from tucking the stray hair behind Santana's ear before it tickled her nose or something and stirred her awake.

But Brittany didn't know where the lines where drawn.

Running into Santana here had been an amazingly pleasant surprise. Even if Santana had left her heartbroken in Las Vegas and once again in Lima, Ohio, Brittany couldn't cast away the feeling Santana gave her in the pit of her stomach. Brittany had dated a number of people before, some for a long time, others not so much but she had always felt like she loved them one way or another. Now she was questioning if she had ever really known what love was.

She felt safe around Santana, comfortable and happy. Brittany believes in many things. She has always been a truth until proven false type of girl. Yes, a jolly fat man in a red suit with flying reindeer that delivers presents is a little bit unlikely but it doesn't mean its impossible. And until she travels every inch of this earth and is satisfied that there isn't a workshop with little elves hard at work making iPods and Laptops for next year's Christmas and a barn for Dasher and Prancer to rest after their long Christmas Eve journey than she won't stop believing that there could be a Santa Claus out there. She hears stories of the "impossible" happening all the time. Some people call it a miracle or they call it luck and some go even as far as to call it fate.

Brittany doesn't bother with complicated names for complicated things. She just knows that things happen sometimes. So just because she had never experienced it before and can't prove it right doesn't mean that its wrong. And just because some lonesome people think it's a silly thing taught to us by Disney movies, it doesn't mean that she would ever stop believing in love at first sight.

But as she watched Santana sleep, seemingly tortured by her own thoughts before even being conscious, Brittany tried her hardest to understand why everything had happened the way it did. Maybe she couldn't understand the thoughts underneath that brow but she wanted to and she wanted Santana and she wanted to hold her until her body relaxed into hers and the tension in her face eased. Brittany wanted to wake up next to her and she wanted to brush the hair out of her face without wondering about the consequences. She would do anything to have that.

And she felt like _something_ out there wanted her to have that too.

As if finally sensing Brittany's eyes, Santana's eyes fluttered open slowly. Her dark eyes met Brittany's sapphire one's. Brittany could see the expression in Santana's face soften. Her eyes fluttered to Brittany's lips and Brittany was starting to wonder if Santana was thinking about the same thing Brittany felt like she was always thinking about. Brittany leaned in closer, transfixed by Santana soft beautiful lips. Santana's brow furrowed again as if she suddenly realized she had lost something.

"Shit!" Santana said.

Brittany was close enough to feel Santana's breath on her face but then suddenly Santana was gone. She exhaled a breath as Santana turned and grabbed her phone. Brittany leaned back and frowned as she watched Santana flick the screen of her phone alive to show the digital clock.

"I'm going to be so late." Santana explained as she threw the covers off herself and rose to her feet.

Brittany stayed in bed as Santana hopped up and started reaching for her clothes

"I can't wear any of this to church." Santana said as she looked down at her wrinkled party clothes. She checked her phone again maybe she was hoping time would magically rewind if she kept doing that.

"You can borrow something of mine?" Brittany offered, raising to her feet and walking over to Santana, she made sure to keep a couple of feet as a buffer between them.

"I-you don't have to." Santana said without looking up from the fabric in her hands.

"I want to." Brittany said offering Santana a sly smile when she finally looked up. Santana's lips curved gently in response.

"Come here." Brittany waved Santana over to her closet and gave her full access to whatever she wanted. Santana settled for a pair of black pants mainly because Brittany had claimed they were short on her to begin with. She matched it with a light blue dress shirt muttering shyly something about it probably looking really pretty with Brittany's eyes.

* * *

><p>Santana was thankful her Abuela sat at the end of the pew. Santana easily slipped into her spot next to he. She heard a frustrated sigh but thankfully nothing was said about Santana's tardiness. She would probably get an earful about it later. But she wasn't that late anyway the opening hymn had only just finished.<p>

Father Gerry rose from his seat. Father Gerry was an older gentleman with salt and pepper hair and he always wore this huge smile, actually Santana would describe it more of a grin. For some reason he always kind of creeped Santana out. When Santana was younger she always thought he reminded her more of those men speaking on the TV in their suits and ties then someone who should be wearing vestments and a clerical collar. Even after all these years she still hadn't gotten used to him in his colorful Sunday robes. The well-kept hair and the dark smile that crossed his lips just didn't seem to belong but her Abuela liked him and so Santana pushed aside the discomfort she felt around him.

Even if he made Santana feel more intimidated than spiritual.

The service dragged on. Santana barely listened to the reading of the scripture. She felt like Father Gerry was watching her every time she looked up.

_Oh, God. _

_He knew. _

_They knew._

She found herself turning in her seat when she felt eyes on her but when she turned she found no one staring. Maybe she was being paranoid, they couldn't know. There was only one person that could possibly know. She brought her eyes up to the crucifix stationed on the wall above Father Jerry's head. It didn't matter if Father Gerry knew or anyone else for that matter because _He_ knew and after all the things that she was taught at Sunday school she knew thatin the end, _He_ was the only one that mattered.

Santana swallowed the lump in her throat. She ripped her eyes away and tried to watch Father Gerry's lips moving as he spoke. He was already onto the homily now but he spoke like he was underwater. His words came out gargled and mixed together. Santana felt like she was back at last year's family reunion where her distinct relatives spoke Spanish way too fast and the words got mixed together.

Plus she could barely hear his voice over the screaming.

Everyone sat stiff as a board, eyes focused on the priest as he paced in front of them speaking animatedly with his hands. Why couldn't anyone else hear the screaming? Santana turned o find the source but everyone was quiet and attentive. After a prolonged stare a man behind her turned to raise his eyebrows at her curious glances.

"Santana!" Her Abuela hushed as she slapped Santana's knee. Santana shot her glance forward and focused her eyes on the priest again.

The screaming had stopped but the words still weren't clearer. He was speaking way too fast and Santana's mind was moving too slowly to keep up. Why couldn't she keep up? She took in deep breaths of air into her lungs as she tried to steady herself that seemed to help, but only barely.

But it didn't do anything to help the screaming in between her ears.

….

Santana eyed the food on her plate. Just the sight of it made her feel queasy.

"Santana. You need to eat before you wither way." Her Abuela eyed her from behind the newspaper she always bought on the walk over from the church to the diner.

Santana forced a smile and lifted the fork. She scooped a forkful of eggs, making a show of eating before her Abuela seemed satisfied and went back to her newspaper.

"How is your mother?" Her Abuela asked, her tone showing an air of obligation rather than sincerity.

"S-She's okay." Santana lied.

"Good, good." Her Abuela responded letting out an exasperated sigh.

Santana sat up straighter in her chair. _Did she know something?_

Abuela dropped the open newspaper on the table between them before she reached over for her cup of coffee. Santana read the headline upside down.

**LGBT Groups March in Support of Ohio Same-Sex Marriage Bill. **

Even upside down Santana could make out the pictures of same-sex couples walking hand in hand and even one of a couple kissing. It was obviously an innocent peck, frozen in time by a photographer's quick shot.

"Newspapers these days." Her Abuela said, shaking her head.

"What's wrong with this?" Santana asked. Even she was shocked by her sudden boldness. The look on her Abuela's face made her regret the question instantly.

"What's wrong with this?" Her Abuela repeated. "This filth doesn't belong in a public newspaper. That fact that you even question _that_ just shows how disgusting these publications have gotten."

Santana looked back down at the picture. Her Abuela slammed the newspaper shut and threw it into the booth next to her.

"Because two guys were kissing?" Santana asked. She cringed at herself and sunk lower into the booth. _What was she doing?_

Her Abuela's eyes widened, she glanced at the empty tables around them just to make sure no one overheard. Like Santana has just said the raunchiest thing her Abuela had ever heard.

"It isn't natural Santana. It isn't right." She said. Her tone was hushed. "They shouldn't force people to look at it like that." Her Abuela shook her head as she paused to take another sip of her coffee. "And they shouldn't be advocating for laws to justify their sins." Her Abuela said with another huff of air. She crossed her arms and locked on Santana's eyes. "Even if it _was _right in the eyes of our laws, it will never be right in the eyes of _His_."

Santana pulled her eyes away and looked back down at her plate of eggs but she felt herself giving a small nod of agreement.

Anything to stop this conversation.

"But enough of _this _talk." Her Abuela said. Santana looked up to see a warm smile cross her lips. "I want to here all about your trip."

* * *

><p>Brittany cupped the still full mug of coffee in her hands. Santana's mother had offered her the cup right after she had offered to sit with her in the kitchen until Santana returned from lunch with her Abuela. Brittany thought it was too rude to reject such a nice invitation. Brittany already liked Santana's mother, she was funny and expressive and she seemed to do even the smallest of tasks with a smile on her face and a spring in her step.<p>

Brittany heard the front door open and she sat bolt upright in her chair. She gave Santana a warm smile. She thought it would help with the wide terrified expression on Santana's face.

"You forgot you're cell phone." Brittany explained as she held out the device as a peace offering.

"Oh." Santana said.

She slowly stepped into the kitchen. She carefully eyed her mother who was now leaning with her back against the counter, watching the interaction between the two. Santana reached out to take the phone, accidently brushing her fingers against Brittany's and pulling back as soon a she felt the warmth of Brittany's soft skin.

"Thank you." She added timidly.

"You're welcome." Brittany said. Santana finally returned the smile before she looked down at her feet.

"Brittany was just telling me about her cat." Santana's mother explained. The smile on her mother's face reached her eyes but it didn't seem as sincere as Brittany had expected it to be.

Santana smiled back but it was forced in a way, it was delicate, sort of like the smiles Brittany sometimes felt herself giving Santana when she was afraid she'd scare the smile away and it would disappear forever.

Santana glanced over at Brittany. She didn't know she had a cat.

"Lord Tubbington." Brittany explained.

Santana's mother let out an exaggerated laugh.

"And how much does he weigh?" Her mother said egging on the conversation.

"Like 20 pounds or something. He doesn't really like the scale that much anymore." Brittany said. "Sometimes I just lift him if I'm too tired to go to the gym."

Her mother cackled at this. Santana shot her mother a look. Brittany sensed by the shocked expression on Santana's face that her mother didn't often laugh like this.

"This girl's just too funny." Her mother said as she slapped her knee. "My sides hurt from laughing so much."

Santana glanced at Brittany who just shrugged. Santana felt an odd sense of pride. For some reason it was important that her mother like Brittany.

"Would you like anymore coffee, Brittany?" Her mother asked.

Brittany and Santana glanced down at Brittany's still full cup. "No thanks. Still working on this one." Brittany said.

Her mother nodded and turned to walk out of the kitchen.

"Oh, Santana." Her mom called over her shoulder. "I washed that pink sweatshirt of yours." Her mother added. "I figured since you've been wearing it practically everyday since you got back it probably needed a good wash.

Santana gave a quick glance at Brittany before walked over to the sink and pretended to be cleaning imaginary dishes.

Brittany felt rude for wasting all this coffee. She brought the cup to her lips and swallowed a huge gulp. She couldn't help the disgusted sound that escaped her lips.

"You don't like coffee." Santana said with a huge smile on her face. She grabbed the cup from Brittany's hands and dumping the remaining coffee down the drain before Brittany could protest. "You don't have to drink it if you don't want."

Brittany shrugged. "She was being nice."

"I'm sorry about that." Santana said. "My mom can be a little – intense sometimes."

Santana swallowed a lump in her throat. Brittany watched her with a sideways glance. She felt like she was missing something.

"She was perfectly fine." Brittany said. She rose to her feet. "And she really likes my cat apparently."

"How did you find where I live?" Santana asked as she juggled her now returned cell phone in her hands.

"I just texted one of your friends." Brittany said. "Told them I was an axe murderer. You know, they gave you right up." Brittany smiled.

Santana let out a nervous laugh. "Well thanks again. I guess I got to get better friends."

"No problem." Brittany added. "How was church?"

Santana shot her eyes up. "Good." She lied.

"That's good." Brittany rolled on the balls of her feet. "I should probably get going though I'm supposed to meet my family for church in an hour."

"Y-You go to church?" Santana asked with a shocked tone to her voice.

"Yeah?" Brittany said. "The place on the other side of town out of Friends Academy. Have you ever been?"

Santana shook her head.

"Well it's a lot of fun." Brittany said. "There a lot of singing and guitars and stuff. I think you'd like it."

Brittany turned towards the door. She could feel Santana following closely behind her. She was reaching for the handle when she felt the need to ask a suddenly really important question.

Santana was standing closer than she had expected.

"Did you want to hang out sometime?" Brittany asked.

Santana swallowed the small smile that snuck across her lips. Her head barely moved up and down but it was definitely a nod.

"Great." Brittany smiled. She couldn't help herself as she leaned in and planted a quick kiss to Santana's cheek before she headed out the door.

**/* Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in updates, Real life has kind gotten in the way. Weird how it does that sometimes. Thanks to you guys that read, review and follow. Love hearing from you guys.*/**


	8. Scandals

**/* **

**Sorry for the Delay. Real life had gotten in the way. Weird. Since it's been so long I thought I'd give you a little. Blurb about what's going on. Also I managed to find a Beta but I think real life got in her way too :(. **

**Santana and Brittany met in Las Vegas. The relationship seemed to be doing well until Santana suddenly and viciously ended things. The two reunited at a party back home in Lima, Ohio. **

***/**

Brittany cupped the steaming mug to warm her frozen fingers. She had gotten used to the bitter Ohio winters but after coming back from the desert all she could think about was 70 degree mornings and delicious frozen drinks.

That among other things…

"Santana?" Kurt repeated as he took a sip from whatever fancy named tea he had ordered this time. "Santana Lopez?"

He had been repeating her name in different variations and tones since Brittany had let slip that it was her that she had met in Las Vegas. Well, let slip was using the term loosely. Seeing Santana here in Ohio was both amazing and confusing. She needed someone to talk to and Kurt seemed to be the best bet. But the more he spoke the more Brittany questioned her decision, his tone was high pitched with what seemed with worry but that didn't make sense, he should be happy, this should be exciting.

Shouldn't it?

Brittany nodded in affirmation.

"_The_ Santana Lopez?" Kurt repeated. If he said the name over and over again maybe it wouldn't be true. Brittany couldn't figure out why Kurt wanted it to not be true.

Had she done something wrong?

"_A_ Santana Lopez?" Brittany responded.

"Does Rachel know?" Kurt asked.

_Does Rachel know what?_ _Why does Rachel need to know?_

Brittany thought back at the party and the awkwardly hostile interaction between Santana and Rachel. Did they two know each other?

"You can't tell her!" Kurt practically shouted at her.

A few people at the tables next to them glared at them before going back to their conversations.

Kurt lowered his voice. "It's just that... Rachel and Santana sort of have a history."

It felt like a frog had lodged itself into her throat.

"What?l she echoed Kurt's high-pitched tone.

"Oh no." Kurt laughed at himself. "Not that sort of history. I had – We had no idea that she was-" he stuttered. Kurt checked the tables around them.

"They used to be best friends." Kurt said sadly.

"Best friends?" Brittany repeated once she got her mouth to function again.

Kurt nodded. "In middle school they were like inseparable. Wherever Santana went Rachel went too and vice versa. It was bordering on annoying actually. They just giggled all the time, about the stupidest things."

"You were friends with them too?" Brittany asked.

"Well yeah." Kurt said. "-but nothing compared to what those girls had. It wasn't worth trying to break into their little circle."

Brittany sat in silence for a second. "That doesn't make sense they both seem-"

"-to hate each other?" Kurt finished.

Brittany nodded.

"It all happened so fast, one second they were hugging and giggling together and then Santana came back from a family trip or something and she seemed so-" Kurt paused to take a sip from his tea as he searched for a word.

"-Vicious." Kurt said.

Brittany sat up stiffer in her chair. This couldn't be the same person. This couldn't be the Santana she knows from Vegas. She's nice and sweet and perfect.

"She started bullying all of us but Rachel took the brunt of it." Kurt said. "I think because they were so close. Santana knew all the things that would hurt her the most."

Brittany could never imagine Santana doing something like that. It all sounded so horrible.

"Did something happen?" Brittany asked. She needed some reasoning behind this, something to make this okay but she wasn't sure if anything could.

"That's just it. Rachel had no idea what she did wrong. Santana had been gone from school for a little while but Rachel said she hadn't talked to her. Maybe Santana just finally figured she was too cool for us poor kids."

Kurt shrugged and looked down at his cup. "When she transferred to private school I thought the bullying would stop. But other kids picked up where Santana left off. It wasn't_ too_ bad really they were never as creative as her with the nicknames but I really wish they didn't pick up the slushing."

Brittany gasped. She thought about all the times she picked out blue ice crystals from Rachel's sticky hair when she transferred to McKinley her sophomore year. And all of that was because...

"Santana started that?" Brittany said.

Kurt nodded slowly.

"Listen." Kurt said as he reached across the table and placed a hand on Brittany's arm. "That was a long time ago. Things change, people change. If you like who she is now, then that's all that matters."

She nodded.

"Actually this thing between you and her might explain a lot." Kurt said with a knowing smile. "Why don't you invite her out tonight?"

Brittany hesitated.

"Rachel can't make it." Kurt said. "I mean you're going to have to tell her eventually. But not tonight."

Brittany took in a breath. All of this about Santana was overwhelming but she still wanted to see her. Maybe Kurt was right, it was the girl she knew now that really mattered. Maybe she could figure out the truth behind the rest and talk to Santana about it.

"Just invite her." Kurt said "What's the worst that could happen?"

"It takes Blaine a week to get blue-dye: no. 1 out of his hair." Brittany deadpanned.

Kurt let out a breath of a laugh. "Well we won't go anywhere that sells slushies then."

Kurt studied Brittany for a second before she caved to the pressure and pulled out her cell phone.

* * *

><p>Santana probably should have waited a few more seconds to rip open the door. Then maybe it wouldn't have been so obvious that she was waiting at the kitchen table for the past half hour.<p>

But she pulled open the door anyway and stood in the doorway sporting her dorky smile that only seemed to surface just recently and only when Brittany was around.

"Hi." Brittany smiled timidly.

Santana glanced down at Brittany's bright blue dress. She was right. Blue looked gorgeous on her.

"You look really pretty." The words practically fell out of Santana's mouth.

Brittany smiled grew up into her eyes. "So do you. Come on!"

She pulled Santana by the wrist and led her to the curb where Blaine and Kurt were waiting in what had to be Blaine's car since he was the one behind the wheel.

_Wait a second._

Santana stopped dead in her tracks. When Brittany asked if she wanted to hang out tonight Santana didn't even think to ask any questions. But now here she was about to get into a car with the very openly gay Blaine Warbler and Kurt who everyone knew was gay long before he even did.

_Oh God, was this a double date?_

_Do they know?_

Santana shot her attention to Brittany who was smiling at her patiently. She knew if she freaked out now it would be so obvious. She couldn't bail out without raising more questions but maybe if she played this night right she could ease the damage and hopefully head it off before rumors spread to any of the worst people.

"Sorry." Santana said as she eased towards the car.

"Its fine." Brittany whispered. She pulled open the door for Santana.

They sat in the car for what felt like hours before anyone spoke.

"Sooooo Santana." Kurt said. "How have things been?"

_Bad._

_Horrible._

_Worse. _

"Fine." She lied. "How about yourself?"

Kurt turned around in his seat to smile at her.

"Can't complain really." Kurt said as he reached across the console to grab Blaine's hand. Blaine glanced a smile over in his direction before he turned back to watch the road.

Santana felt a pang of something twist in the pit of her stomach. She wasn't sure going along with this was such a good idea. She shifted her body further away from Brittany's.

"We're actually going to the place we first met." Kurt said. He looked back with at Blaine and they exchanged another smile.

"Where's this place?" Santana asked.

"It's called Scandals." Blaine answered. "It's a club just outside of town." Blaine added with a knowing look.

Santana shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She knew what Scandals was.

_This was so a double date. _

_Oh, God._

* * *

><p>Santana had gone radio silent since they pulled into the parking lot of Scandals. Brittany didn't know what to make of her sudden silence and she didn't know what to do or say to bring Santana out of it. She kept a safe distance from Santana as they made their way into the club.<p>

It was Drag Queen night and even though it was a Sunday, the place was absolutely packed. Of course it was. Brittany waited all week for Drag Queen night and a lot of other people did too.

It was the funniest night of the week. That's why they kept coming back, hopefully Santana would notice that too. But by the way Santana had her arms hugging across her body, Brittany was pretty sure she wasn't going to notice it anytime soon.

Blaine led them over to an open booth at the back of the club and Kurt ran over to get drinks. He came back balancing three beers and a whiskey on the rocks for Santana.

They watched the crowd for a while. It was too loud to have much meaningful conversation plus the Drag Queens were more fun to watch anyway. They were dancing and grinding alongside and between all different groups and couples.

Santana took a big gulp from her drink before grumbling a thank you in Kurt's direction. Kurt sent a concerned glanced over at Brittany.

"Is Dave bartending tonight?" Blaine asked as he leaned back into the booth.

Even in the darkness of the club Brittany could see Kurt rolling his eyes.

"Yes." Kurt said. "He bartends every Sunday. You know this."

"Mmhmm." Blaine said. "And you want to come every Sunday."

"I want to come every Drag Queen Night." Kurt corrected.

"It is the best night." Brittany said in Kurt's defense.

She shrank when she saw the look that Blaine had given her. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to try to stop one of their, lately, numerous fights.

Brittany was too caught up in the fight to notice a waitress come by with a second drink for Santana. Santana seemed to look in every direction but Brittany's as she took another big gulp of the brown liquid.

"Oh come on, lets just dance." Kurt finally said. He pulled Blaine towards the crowd leaving the girls alone at the table.

Santana watched them disappear as she finished the last of her drink in one very long second gulp. She flagged down the waitress for another and took in a few steading breaths.

"Are you okay?" Brittany asked.

Santana smiled a half smile. "Why wouldn't I be okay?" She said.

_That wasn't an answer._

"Do you want to leave?" Brittany asked.

"Why would I want to leave?" Santana responded.

_Another non-answer._

Brittany gave up on her line of questionig and instead watched the crowd of dancers for a while as they moved to the beat of the music. She felt her leg bouncing to the beat even when she didn't tell it to. It did that sometimes.

"Why is Sunday your favorite?" Santana asked.

"What?" Brittany said.

She finally pulled her glaze away from the dancers and noticed that Santana was holding another full glass. Brittany must have missed the waitress come by again.

"Why is tonight you're favorite night?" Santana asked.

"The Drag Queens are really fun to dance with." Brittany said.

She gestured to a Drag Queen that was grinding between Kurt and Blaine. She had a pink feather boa wrapped around Blaine's neck and was pulling him from side to side with the beat.

Santana watched the scene and took another healthy gulp.

"Do you want to dance?" Brittany stood up slowly from the booth. Santana's frantic eyes glanced back to the scene with Kurt and Blaine.

"With the Drag Queen?" She asked.

Brittany smirked and offered her hand. "Lets start with just me." She said.

Santana finished off the last of her drink before she let her hand fall into Brittany's. Brittany dragged her towards the middle of the crowd and made sure they were far away from Kurt and Blaine and the only people Santana knew.

They danced innocently for a while. Santana giggled at some of Brittany's more ridiculous dance moves and laughed along as she tried to mimic some of them. After a few songs though the mood between the girls shifted along with the music and Brittany began closing the gap between them and after another song Santana closed the gap even more so their hips were bumping every time they shifted to the beat.

Maybe it was the false bravery given by the alcohol or the pure intoxication of the crowd and music but they were instantly drawn closer and closer to each other. Before she could realize it Brittany felt Santana's breath on her neck and her hands tightening on her hips as they swayed to the beat.

Brittany leaned back to meet Santana's dark eyes as another song started to fade away.

"Santana." Brittany felt the words spill from her mouth. She didn't even finish her one beer but she still felt her head buzzing. She was afraid she would fall down if she didn't have Santana holding her.

The music cut and a bright light came on. Brittany instantly felt the heat from the spotlight on her back and she felt her eyes widen.

_Oh No. _

"Well, well, well." A voice boomed over the loud speaker. The crowd parted as a Drag Queen came through. Santana jumped away from Brittany and swallowed an unsteady breath.

They did this every Sunday night. Brittany and Kurt would point and laugh with the rest of the club when Ginny Tonic and her pink feather boa would pick the "hottest couple" in the bar and bring them on stage for a lap dance.

The crowd separated around the girls to make room for Ginny. She walked around the pair making approving noises as she studied the girls.

"This may very well be the hottest couple to ever grace Scandals." She said into the microphone. The crowd cheered around them.

Brittany chanced a glance at Santana and instantly lost all hope that this would end up okay. Santana's eyes were already wide and terrified and she looked like she was having trouble catching her breath.

Brittany shook her head at Ginny but Ginny either didn't notice or didn't care. Most couple always shook their heads with embarrassment and were reluctant to take part in the games but they usually ended with them bright red but laughing hysterically.

"And what is your name hot thing." The Drag Queen said. She grabbed Brittany hand and held the microphone out to her.

"Brittany." She answered timidly, watching Santana as she spoke.

Santana looked frozen.

"And what is your beautiful girl's name." Ginny turned towards Santana but before she could hold the microphone out Santana turned and disappeared into the crowd, bumping a few shoulders and spilling a couple of drinks on her way out. Brittany turned to follow her but her arm was still caught in the Drag Queens grasp.

Ginny pulled the microphone away from her mouth and whispered. "I'm sorry. I just assumed-"

Brittany waved her off. "Its okay." She said quickly as she pulled away and pushed through the crowd.

"Well it looks like this lovely couple managed to escape this time." Brittany heard Ginny's recovery as she followed the grumbling people towards the exit. "Don't think you all can be so lucky." Brittany heard the voice fade away as she stepped into the brisk cold night.

She instantly cursed herself for leaving her jacket in the booth and then she remembered Santana's was there too. She thought about turning to get it when sounds from the side of the building caught her attention.

She eased her way into the darkness of the alley and found Santana crouched down leaning her head against the wall. She was taking short gasping breaths.

"Santana." Brittany cried out as she knelt down beside her. She rubbed circles into her back slowly. "You're okay. Just breathe." Brittany soothed.

"Brittany?" Brittany heard Blaine's voice call. "Is she okay?"

Brittany could feel Santana's muscles tightened under her hand. "Just breathe. Just breathe. You're fine." She whispered so only Santana could hear.

"Yeah. She just had a little too much to drink I think." Brittany lied. "I'm sorry, do you think we could leave a little early?"

Blaine smiled kindly. "Of course. I'll just run in and grab Kurt and our coats."

Brittany managed to calm Santana down enough to ease her into the car. She laid across the back seat with her head in Brittany's lap the entire car ride. Her breathing was still staggered but it was a lot better than it had been in the alley.

Blaine dropped both the girls off at Santana's as per Brittany's request. She didn't want to leave Santana alone after what just happened and assumed that Santana would feel safest at home.

Santana didn't seem to notice what was going on until the boys were pulling away from the curb. She hesitated at the front door for a second before Brittany managed to pull Santana's keys from her purse and hand them to her.

Brittany pulled Santana upstairs and with her direction, into Santana's dark muted bedroom. Brittany noticed dark clothing scattered all across the dark black furniture. The only bright thing in the room was the pink Las Vegas sweatshirt tossed over the back of a desk chair.

"I'm sorry." Santana muttered as she tried frantically to clean the piles of clothes off the bed.

Brittany gave a light laugh as she grabbed Santana's shoulder to stop her. "Its totally fine." She said.

Santana smiled sheepishly. Brittany could tell she was still on edge from today and her breathing still hadn't evened out.

"Lets just relax and go to sleep." Brittany offered.

Santana walked over to her bureau and opened the bottom drawer. She seemed relieved to have something else to focus on.

"Shorts or sweats." Santana asked without turning around.

"Shorts." Brittany responded.

Santana pulled out a t-shirt and shorts held it out.

"These work?" She turned and asked without looking up.

Brittany grabbed the clothes from her hands and pulled Santana's chin up with the other.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

Santana blinked away from Brittany's glaze.

"I'm fine." Santana said through a smile. "I just drank too much, like you said."

"Santana." Brittany took a step closer but Santana jumped back.

"I should go change." Santana said as she stepped out of into the hallway.

Brittany took the opportunity to change her clothes before Santana came back wearing a tank top and a pair of boxers. She slung her dress over the back of her chair. Brittany wondered for a second if she was intentionally trying to hide the sweatshirt from her view.

Santana climbed into the covers of her bed. Brittany hung around the edge of the bed for a second.

"Should I sleep downstairs?" Brittany asked.

Santana turned around and smiled. "Of course not."

She patted the bed next to her and Brittany climbed in and pulled the blankets over the top of both of them.

"Thank you." Santana muttered sleepily.

"For what?" Brittany asked.

"Tonight." She added.

Brittany was pretty sure she had never been more confused in her life.

* * *

><p>Santana's lungs were still burning. Even though the bright morning sun was peaking through her dark blinds and the night was far behind her she could still feel the burning of missing oxygen in her lungs. It took everything in her to not fall into another wheezing fit. She couldn't avoid the questions from Brittany for forever. Brittany was eventually going to ask her what happened last night and not take one of Santana's excuses for an answer. But the thing was, Santana didn't have an answer. She didn't know what was wrong with her and why she sometimes felt like that. And part of her was afraid of finding out.<p>

She felt the body next to her rustle.

"Good morning." Brittany voice still managed to sound upbeat even in an early morning fog.

Some of the worries managed to be drained from Santana's body just from the sound of her voice.

"Morning." Santana said.

"Sleep okay?" Brittany asked.

Her voice a touch more of concern than Santana cared to hear. Santana turned around in the bed and was shocked at Brittany's closeness. They had been practically spooning the entire night.

"I'm fine I promise." Santana said. Brittany searched her face for a while but didn't say anything.

Brittany's grumbling stomach broke the studying silence.

Santana let out a giggle. "Looks like someone's hungry." Santana took the prime opportunity to jump out of bed.

"Do you like Cheerios?" Santana said. She raised an eyebrow at how Brittany instantly cringed at the name.

"Sorry bad memories. I call them donut seeds." Brittany said with a light smile. "But I love cereal."

"Great." Santana said as she suddenly remembered how short her shorts were. "I'm just going to change into sweatpants and meet you downstairs. The _donut seeds_ are in the cabinet next to the fridge."

She didn't know if she felt more proud or more self-conscious when she caught Brittany leering.

"Okay." Brittany said with a sly smirk. She jumped out of bed on Santana's side and brushed their legs as she went by. "Meet you down there." She said with a wink.

She took a lot longer to put on pants then normal just giving her time to control the ridiculous emotions waking up with Brittany had given her.

When she stepped downstairs and into the kitchen she could already hear Brittany munching on cereal. She stepped into the kitchen and found her leaning against the counter eating cereal from a blue bowl-

_Oh fuck._

"Brittany!" Santana screamed. Brittany jumped from the sound, the bowl falling from her hands.

It was all happening in slow motion, Santana could see it falling inch by inch but there was nothing she could do.

_No, no, no, no, no._

It was too late. The batman bowl smashed against the hard tile and shattered into a million pieces. The sound was deafening. She could hear it vibrating through the walls of the house. Santana just hoped that _she_ didn't hear it.

"Santana?" A dark voice called from up the stairs.

Santana recoiled on reflex at the tone. She ignored Brittany's confused and concerned eyes and dropped to her knees and tried to piece up the broken shards before the voice came any closer.

"Is everything okay?" the voice was dark and impatient. Santana knew she should reply or things would only get worse.

"Everything's fine, mom." Santana called up the stairs. She tried her best to mask the panic in her voice but failed miserably.

Santana ignored the surprised look Brittany gave her. She had gotten used to the fact that the two very different voices belong to the same person, of course Brittany hadn't. She tried to pick up the glass between the bits of cereal and red milk.

_Why was the milk red?_

She felt like she couldn't move fast enough, she was now stuck moving in slow motion too. Brittany grabbed her wrist. She cursed as she dropped the few pieces she had managed to grab.

"Santana you're bleeding." Brittany said. Brittany brought her hands up to inspect the broken skin of Santana's fingers and palm.

"Its fine." Santana whispered. She tore her hand away and went back to picking up the shards again.

A heavy foot landed on the top step. Santana recoiled on instinct again. She had learned a long time ago how to read the days. Her mother was lively and quick on her feet on good days. She would talk in a high-pitched squeal that was borderline annoying. On bad days her voice was lazy and dark. She spoke a lot slower and her steps were slow and heavy. She also knew that the heavier the steps the worse the day.

And today her mother was practically stomping.

"Santana." Brittany whispered.

Santana could hear the edge in her voice. Brittany was scared. She knew Brittany didn't know why she should be but she was. This couldn't happen. Not with Brittany here. This is why she didn't let people over. She shouldn't have broken her own rules. Not for anyone.

More steps stomped down the stairs, they were torturously slow but getting closer and closer. The bowl was no hope. Santana stood up and wiped the blood on the side of her shirt.

"You should go." Santana said.

She gestured towards the front door. If Brittany left now she could be gone before the yelling started. She wouldn't even know. Santana could make something up later. She just needed some time. That's it, time. She just need time to come up with somethign

"I didn't drive. I don't have my car." Brittany said. She tried to keep her voice level but Santana could hear it wavering.

"What the fuck is this?" Santana's mother called from the kitchen door. Santana turned and shielded Brittany from view. Maybe if Brittany didn't see, it didn't happen.

Her mother's hair was in a messy braid and she was still wearing her pajama pants and a baggy t-shirt. She usually didn't change out of her sleep clothing on bad days. Santana didn't respond. She knew that would only make it worse but she was frozen.

Like a deer in headlights.

"Santana, What the FUCK is this?" Her mother screamed. Santana felt Brittany's hands grip the back of her tank.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Lopez I just dropped a bowl." Brittany said as she stepped to the side and into her mother's view.

_Oh No. _

Her mom's eyes fell on Brittany and then back onto the bowl on the ground. Her eyes darted back up to Santana.

"You let her use _his_ bowl?" She snarled.

Santana took a huge gulp of air. She felt her lungs contracting again. Suddenly all of the air was gone from the room. She was sure if she didn't get out of here soon she would have another incident like back at the club.

"She didn't know I-" Brittany started.

"You shut the fuck up." Her mother bellowed. She pointed a finger at Brittany and took a step forward.

"Mom calm down it's just a bowl." Santana said she took a step forward in an attempt to ease her mother.

_Big mistake. _

Her mother pushed her back. She fell back a few steps before Brittany caught her.

"Of course _its_ just a bowl to you." Her bother mumbled as she dropped to her knees and started collecting the broken shards. "You stopped giving a fuck about _him_ long before he was gone." She muttered again.

Santana felt like she had been kicked in the stomach. She brought her hand to her chest. As if that would help bring air to her lungs.

"Come on let's get out of here." Brittany said. Santana didn't even see Brittany grab her keys as they stepped out of the front door.

They just only managed to pull out of Santana's neighborhood when Santana felt her body curling into itself in the passenger seat. The words "I'm sorry" escaping her lips between deep gasping breathes that did nothing to lessen the weight on her chest.

**/* As Always a nice warm thank you to all those that read and review and follow. Love all you guys. Special thanks to all the writers of all the amazing Fanfics I've been reading lately. Thank you for your time and dedication!*/**


	9. Hopes, Lies and Promises

Santana's breaths grew more and more ragged as Brittany pulled off the street into a desolate parking lot. She barely shifted the car into park before she jolted from her seat and ran over to Santana's side of the car.

Santana was clutching her hand to her chest, trying to guide her lungs to breathe properly. Satnana's hand was still bleeding from the broken glass of the bowl scrapping her skin and now her fingers were leaving bloody trails across her white t-shirt.

Brittany had never taken CPR or first-aid training but she was suddenly wishing she did. It's not like it would have helped in this imaginary choking that Santana was doing but maybe is she had some training on how to deal with a crisis. Maybe a trained professional would know some magical way to save Santana.

Maybe a trained professional wouldn't have to helplessly watch Santana choke and gasp.

But Brittany didn't have professional training, so she just did the first thing she thought to do. She cupped Santana's face between the palms of her hand turned Santana's face towards her. Her heart dropped at the way Santana's eyes were widened mixed with fear and something else. She didn't have time to think about it anyway. Brittany leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Santana's temple.

Brittany could taste the saltiness from Santana's sweat but more importantly she could feel Santana's body start to ease into hers. Brittany kept her lips against Santana's temple.

Brittany wasn't sure how long they stayed like that but when she finally did pull herself away from Santana, she looked down to see her eyes were eased closed.

Santana's chest rose and fell as she finally began taking in heavy breaths. Brittany watched her for a while. She studied the furrowed brow that betrayed the peaceful look given by her shut eyes and slack month.

Brittany waited until Santana's eyes finally fluttered open before she spoke. Even though they were alone in the parking lot she spoke barely in a whisper, "Are you okay?"

Santana nodded but the look in her eyes betrayed her. She looked up at Brittany but Santana avoided looking into her eyes.

Brittany swallowed a sigh. Santana would talk when she was ready. She just had to be patient.

Brittany studied her for a moment longer before Santana pulled her face down and starred down at the floor. She wondered if Santana couldn't bare to look at her face when she lied. The same way Brittany couldn't bear to look someone in the eyes when she knew she was being lied to.

"Let's get you cleaned up." Brittany offered. Brittany placed a soft kiss to her temple again.

The drive to her apartment was in silence except for the sounds of the early morning radio talk show that filled the car. Five and half traffic lights in Brittany found the courage to offer Santana her hand. It took everything in her not to swerve off into a ditch or something when the fingers of Santana's uninjured hand locked tightly around her own.

Everything is going to be okay. She thought.

She wasn't sure if she was talking to herself or Santana anymore

* * *

><p>Santana sat silently on the edge of the bathroom sink. She watched Brittany's delicate hands dance around the cuts on her hand. She barely felt the sting of the rubbing alcohol that Brittany dabbed carefully onto each cut. But that might have been because she was distracted by the comforting circles Brittany was tracing with her thumb. Or because she was too distracted by the way Brittany bit her lip when she was concentrating or simply by the fact that Brittany was so close and it reminded her of the dancing they had done last night.<p>

Brittany worked silently for the most part. Biting her lip and glanced up at Santana's face every once in a while to check for a grimace and to apologize when she finally caught one. Santana tried to return a thankful smile.

Brittany fussed with Santana's hand, turning it over to check the bandages. Santana was pretty sure Brittany just wanted to keep them there for a while close and with an excuse to touch. Santana was happy to stay that way too until Brittany started glancing up again but this time her mouth would open like she was about to say something and then close again before she looked back down at Santana's hand and turned it to inspect a few more times.

She did this guppy glance a few more times before she stopped turning Santana's hands and just held them in the air.

"It was my brother's." Santana said. "The bowl." She clarified when she met Brittany's questioning eyes. Brittany turned her attention back to Santana's fingers. She began tracing shapes on the unbandaged skin. The touch of Brittany's skin against hers suddenly made her feel brave. Words that had always gotten caught up in her throat now fell out of her lips with ease.

"He died." Santana felt her chest constrict on those two simple words. The room felt too small and the air inside had gotten too heavy for her lungs.

"He was-it was." Santana stumbled and choked on her words. Holding back the tears she had promised herself long ago would never come. "It was a car accident." Was all she managed to choke out.

Brittany wrapped her hands around Santana's waist and pulled Santana into her embrace. Santana felt her body stiffed almost on instinct. It had been so long since she had been held like that. Brittany's touch was careful like she could shatter Santana with her hands. But Brittany held her so tight, like she was afraid to let her grip loosen and afraid if she did Santana might fall.

And maybe she would.

It had been so long since Santana had felt so much care in such a simple touch. Santana had always thought crying like this would make her feel weak and helpless.

But it wasn't like that at all.

Letting Brittany see her cry, getting those words that had burrowed so deep inside her and letting them flow off of her chest, it made everything feel lighter and easier at the same time.

She had someone.

She had someone to hold her. Someone to embrace her when she felt weak and someone to make her feel stronger for letting it happen. She didn't feel so alone anymore. Now that she had someone she was sure she could never go back to that feeling of being alone. The thought of having someone. The thought of never being alone again. The thought of never having to bury anything and never having to close her eyes at night until the demons the crawled inside stopped making her want to scream into her pillow at night. The thought that it could end. The thought that maybe there was someone out there to save her.

The thought of having it again and watching it fade away like it always did.

That thought was scary than all the rest.

Slowly Santana peeled herself away from Brittany. Her body instantly screamed for Brittany's comfort again but her mind warning her to keep her distance.

"I'm sorry about this morning." She whispered. "My mom just gets really upset about things sometimes."

Brittany frowned and nodded slowly. Santana was pretty sure she wasn't buying it.

But she hadn't figured it out.

Not yet at least.

Brittany grabbed Santana's uninjured hand and led her out to the living room. She turned on the TV and sat Santana down on the couch.

Santana kept her eyes fixed on the screen as several animated characters danced around the screen. She didn't care much for the words or the story line or the plot. She just watched their jerky movements and the unhuman way some green guy kept pulling large objects from his pants.

She felt Brittany eyes on her and turned her head slightly to meet those studying ocean blue eyes.

"What?" Santana asked. She felt the words scratch and scrape her throat. Her voice was hoarse from sadness.

"I was thinking that maybe- It's just when I'm sad, being close to someone makes me feel better." Brittany said. Santana felt Brittany's eyes raking every bit of her face.

Santana felt her head hitting Brittany's lap before her mind could catch up to protest.

Santana hadn't even realized she was tired until Brittany's long delicate fingers ran patterns against her hair.

* * *

><p>Santana had slept through two episodes and was halfway through the morning news when Brittany heard her cell phone start vibrating on the end table. Brittany felt Santana's body stirring awake. She let out a sigh as she reached for her phone. Even though Santana wasn't sleeping anymore she still answered it in a low whisper.<p>

"Hey mom." She said.

"Why are you whispering?" Her mom called through the phone.

"Because someone's sleeping." She said.

Her mother gave a knowing hmm. Even though she couldn't see her mother Brittany could picture the smirk that had probably just crossed her face. Brittany suddenly felt guilty even though she hadn't actually done anything at all.

"Well do you want to invite this _someone _over for family brunch?" Her mother said. She matched Brittany's whisper.

"I'll ask her." Brittany said.

"Great I'll set another plate." And without even a response her mother was gone.

Brittany looked down to see Santana staring up at her with the most adorable sleepy eyes.

"Ask me what?" She said.

Brittany couldn't help the grin that crossed her lips. "You just assume that everything is about you?" She smirked.

"Everythings always about me." Santana said before she turned and curled up further into Brittany's lap.

"Um, My family had this sort of brunch thing. And I – or um well my mom actually but me too. I – We wanted you to come to Pierce Family Brunch." Brittany never had such trouble with her words before.

Santana sat up and locked eyes with Brittany. Brittany had to swallow the lump in her throat.

"Would that be okay?" Santana asked.

"Of course, you were invited." Brittany smiled back.

"Okay." Santana said. "I mean, I'd love to go."

Brittany tried to play it cool but she was pretty sure her huge grin was giving her away. "Awesome."

"But you can't wear that." Brittany said. She jumped off from the couch and ran into her bedroom. She started digging through her dresser. "But I have extra." She called out to the living room.

"Extra what?" Santana said. Brittany could see Santana leaning against the door frame from the corner of her eyes. Brittany felt her curious eyes watching her as she pulled out her ducky pajama pants and a matching t-shirt and laid them out on the bed. Santana's brows furrowed but she didn't say anything. She just watched Brittany as she laid out her second pair of pajamas, a Napolean Kitty Pajama pants and its matching t-shirt.

"Kitty or Ducky?" Brittany asked.

Santana finally looked up from the clothes on the bed. Her face contorted into something between a grin and scowl. "What?"

"It's brunch silly." Brittany said. "You have to wear Pajamas. Those are the rules."

Santana smile grew really wide, the look on Santana's face made Brittany's cheeks burn. "Normal people use brunch as an excuse for early day drinking."

It was Brittany's turn to be confused. "What?"

"Don't worry." Santana said. "I like your way better." She said. She leaned in to place a light kiss to Brittany's red cheek.

"I'll take Commodore Kitty." She said. She grabbed the pajama set and headed to the bathroom to change. Santana gave Brittany one last look before she shut the door behind her.

Brittany could still feel the heat from where Santana had just kissed. This was the Santana Brittany knew. Not the one Kurt was talking about in the coffee shop. How could they be the same people? Santana was so cute and innocent, even after everything that happened this morning. She was still her.

And that wasn't the same person Kurt told her about.

It just couldn't be.

* * *

><p>Santana was happy she selected the<em> slightly<em> less ridiculous set of the pajama pants, if you could call a pair of black pants covered with images of a cat wearing a bicorne, less ridiculous. But at least she wasn't wearing the baby blue pants with marching bright yellow ducks. They looked perfect on Brittany anyway.

Then again Santana was pretty sure Brittany would look perfect in anything.

In the short drive from Brittany's apartment to her parent's house which was also in Lima Santana became aware that she was meeting Brittany's family wearing the most ridiculous outfit of her life. For some reason it all started to matter. She needed to make a good impression on Brittany's parents but she was pretty sure this wasn't going to help and she always had terrible luck with parents. Quinn's mom, ironically, thought Santana was a bad influence on their previously pregnant teenage daughter. Mercedes dad tried to not make eye contact and if she ever had a chance to meet Moneybags Motta she was pretty sure he'd hate her too.

She just had that effect on people.

As the pulled into the driveway Santana couldn't help but feel pieces of Brittany radiating through every part of it. Even though Brittany didn't live here anymore she saw traces of her everywhere. The multi-colored wind chime made a beautiful melody in a burst of bitter cold winter wind. The house was quaint yet welcoming with a large front porch, empty for the winter, but Santana guessed it was full of furniture in the summer. She imagined Brittany sitting on an old wicker chair smiling at every jogger and dog walker that passed by.

She was just that type of girl.

Santana followed Brittany to the front door, hugging her coat closer to her body and cursing the cold air that was biting through the thin fabric covering her legs. Santana saw more of Brittany in the garden gnome on the edge of was most likely a flower bed in the summer. She noticed a rainbow flag taped on the inside of the front window. It was a brave thing to display so openly, especially in this town when the state was so dangerously divided over the Gay Marriage Bill.

And everyone knew where most of Lima, Ohio stood.

But maybe they had a reason. Her eyes shot to Brittany. They met in a knowing glance for a second and Santana knew she had been watching her. Brittany's mouth lifted up in a small smile and she nodded in affirmation of Santana's unasked question. Santana felt her heart lodge up into her throat. It mattered. For some reason Brittany confirming that the rainbow flag was for her, meant something.

Brittany rang the doorbell and it flew open before Santana could collect her thoughts.

"Brittany!" A much older, but almost exact, version of Brittany stood in the front of the door. She was wearing slightly more tame pajamas (instead of ducks she settled for pink plaid pants that stuck out under her a pink bathrobe and matching pink slippers. She hugged her daughter before she turned her attention to Santana.

"Oh hello." She crouched a little to get more on Santana's height level.

Santana secretly hoped that the entire Pierce family wouldn't make her feel so short.

"What's your name dear?" Mrs. Pierce asked.

"Santana." Santana felt small and terrified. First impressions were everything and she felt like she was doing everything wrong.

But Mrs. Pierce's smile grew even more.

If that were even possible.

"_The _Santana?" She said. She chanced a glance over to her daughter. Santana saw Brittany sending her mother a warning glare.

Mrs. Pierce cleared her throat and turned back to Santana. "Well, you can call me Julie." She said extending a hand to shake Santana's politely. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

Julie glanced over at her daughter one more time before ushering the pair through and door and away from the bitter morning cold.

"Welcome to the Pierce household my dear Santana." Julie said as she directed them down a short hallway.

"You are very, very pretty." Julie said in a low whisper as Santana passed.

Santana felt a smile cross her lips. Maybe she was making a decent impression. "Thank you."

"I mean Brittany had menti-"

"Mom." Brittany interrupted. "Are Ashley and dad in the kitchen?" Brittany said. Santana wasn't sure if the redness in Brittany's cheeks was from the cold or from embarrassment.

Julie cleared her throat. "Yes, Yes, why don't you guys come and have a seat. We already set the table." Julie gestured towards the door.

Santana followed Brittany towards the table. Brittany introduced her to Mr. Pierce and Brittany's younger sister Ashley, who was in the middle of her winter break from school. Santana sat between Brittany and Ashley at the table and watched as Brittany's mom brought over plate after plate of delicious food. Santana almost felt too guilty to eat it.

But she didn't protest when Brittany started loading up both their plates with food.

"Thanks." Santana whispered.

Brittany just nodded and bumped her knees against Santana's.

"So, Santana." Mr. Pierce, who now insisted on being called by his first name, Frank began. "How long have you lived here in Lima?"

Santana swallowed the huge bite of eggs she of course had just taken. "My whole life." She said.

"Hmm." Mr. Pierce exchanged a glance with his wife. "How come we've never seen you at McKinley or anything?"

"I actually went to private school." Santana said.

"Oh, Dalton?" Mrs. Pierce interjected. "Kurt's boyfriend went there right?" She asked turning her attention to Brittany.

It was Santana who answered. "I went to the all girl's school, Friends Academy. Dalton was like our brother school though. They came to all our school dances." She said.

Julie smiled knowingly. "Oh, I see."

"And you live with you parents?" Frank asked. For some reason this was starting to feel like an interrogation.

"Oh, No. I live with my mom." Santana said. "My parents are divorced."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Mr. Pierce said. "Does your father live here in Lima?"

Santana suddenly felt really uncomfortable. She shrugged. "Honestly, I'm not really sure. We haven't spoken in a while." It seemed like all the Pierces made secrets flow right out of her mouth. She needed to get better at controlling herself.

"He used to work at Lima Memorial Hospital last time I spoke to him." She said. "But that was a long time ago." She added.

She really needed to get better at this.

The sat in silence for a little, Santana drew patterns in her eggs with her fork. She knew she had said the wrong things. Curse Brittany Pierce for turning her into a blabber mouth. These people weren't asking her for her dramatic life story they just wanted to eat their brunch in peace and now she was ruining it.

"So when's your birthday?" Ashley asked.

Santana looked up to see Ashley flipping through the pages of a newspaper.

"What?" Santana asked.

"Horoscopes." Ashley said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"She always reads our horoscopes." Brittany added. "But they're always so confusing, I never know if it is true or not. I think they do that on purpose."

Santana let out a laugh.

"So your birthday?" Ashley asked again.

"Oh." Santana said. She shot a look over at Brittany and then met Julie and Frank's trusting eyes. She swallowed the lump in her throat. She didn't want to lie especially since it was such a silly thing and they had all been so nice to her but she had gotten in the habit of lying about it and habits are always so hard to change.

"The summer." Santana lied. "July 15th."

Ashley smiled at her and then looked down. "You're a cancer." She said before she started reading aloud.

* * *

><p>"They really like you." Brittany assured Santana as they stepped into Brittany's apartment. She had listened to Santana apologizing over and over again for making everyone uncomfortable by talking about her parents.<p>

"I just shouldn't have mentioned it." Santana said as she fell back against the couch. "I mean, Hi, I'm Santana, here's every tragic story about my life." She said with a mock tone in her voice.

"Santana." Brittany protested as she sat down next to Santana on the couch. "They like you. My mom even said so."

"She did?" Santana asked. She turned to look at Brittany who was nodding.

"Word-for-Word. She said, 'I like that girl." Brittany opened her mouth to say more but her cheeks reddened and she pulled her lips into her mouth.

"She said something else." Santana said. "What else did she say?"

Brittany looked around the room trying to find anything to attract her attention.

"Britt. What did she say?" Santana said.

Brittany wasn't sure if it was the nickname or the cute little way that Santana was getting flustered but she just had to answer. "She said. 'I like that girl. If you don't ask her out then I will.'"

Brittany looked up into Santana's eyes. She felt Santana studying her for a moment, as if the answer to something would be written on her face. Before Brittany could speak or react Santana's lips were on her own. It was a slow kiss. Santana's lips swallow Brittany's bottom lip. All of the air was sucked from Brittany's body and she had to pull away and end the kiss way too soon.

"Does that mean yes?" Brittany breathed out.

Santana nodded and connected their lips again. Santana wrapped her hands around Brittany's waist as she guided her back against the couch. They pulled apart again leaving less than an inch between their faces.

"Good." Brittany said. "Because – I – Want – To – Always - Take – care – of - you." Brittany said between kisses.

"Hmmm." Santana said. She placed a sweet kiss to Brittany's cheek and trailed the kisses down her cheek and to her neck.

"And I'll make sure you're never sad again." Brittany said.

Santana pulled back and stared into Brittany's eyes. Brittany could see the fire in them.

"You can't just make promises like that." Santana spat. She sat up and stood off the couch.

Brittany took a few seconds for her body to recover from the shock from the change of moods.

"What?" It was the only word Brittany could form at the moment. Her mind couldn't process what her body was slow to get.

"You can't just promise to be there for me and to take care of me." Santana said. She crossed her arms and she slowly took backwards steps away from Brittany and towards the door.

"Why can't I?" Brittany said.

"Because you're not supposed to be the person to make those promises. You shouldn't. You aren't-." Santana froze on the words. "It doesn't matter. You shouldn't make promises you won't keep."

"Is this about your Abuela again?" Brittany asked.

Santana let out an exasperated sigh. "This is about everything. I keep thinking I was wrong in Vegas. Maybe running into you was just showing me how much of a mistake I had made. And some twisted part of me thought that we could be together. And then today I felt so at home with you and I felt so at home with your family. But I don't belong there. You guys are so sweet and giving and kind and I don't belong there. I'm not any of those things. That's why I don't have any of that. And you're a girl. And I'm not supposed to think these things I think about you. "

"Santana." Brittany stood up from the couch and took a step towards Santana.

"I don't deserve it. And just having a little taste of it… It already hurts too much to let it go." Santana said.

Brittany felt her throat lodge up. "You don't have to let anything go. I'm right here."

"But you won't be. You won't be. I don't know how long we could keep this up for. A week, A month, A year. However long you stayed. The second you left I – I wouldn't be able to handle it and I can't. I can't have something and get used to having it just to lose it again. I just can't." Santana said. She turned her back to Brittany and pulled open the door. "I'm sorry." She whispered.

And with that she was gone.

/***Author's Note: Sorry for the delays in updates. I know exactly where I'm going and where I want to go its just finding the time to write that's been an issue.**

**Also marched in the NYC Pride Parade. That was amazing! If you haven't gone to one yet pencil it into your calendar NOW. It was an awesome thing to be a part of. **

**I'm on Tumblr diablovixen . tumblr .com  (remove the spaces) if anybody wants to stop by and ask about updates or ask any questions etc. I don't post a whole lot but I'll def answer questions if you guys have any.**

**And also thanks to those that read, review, subscribe. I love hearing your feedback!**

*/


	10. Rock Salt

**A Week Later…**

"I just wish you had told me." Rachel said. Even though she was sitting right next to her at the table Rachel had to practically shout at Brittany over hustle and bustle of the usual Friday night crowd at Breadstix . "If you told me, I could have warned you."

Brittany shifted uncomfortably in her seat across from Blaine and Kurt. She could feel their wide concerned eyes watching her. It was like everyone knew. Like she had been claiming the sky was purple this whole time but it wasn't. It was blue and she only just realized. She suddenly felt like she was sitting under the glares of all those teachers from high school who just couldn't understand why someone couldn't just understand the simple things they were trying to tell her.

Maybe she just always saw things differently.

But she kept arguing with the facts she knew in her head. She kept trying to convince herself that the sky wasn't what everyone said it was but she kept looking up and it kept being blue and she was running out of reasons to justify the way she was seeing things.

Why couldn't the sky just be purple for everybody else?

"She's evil and manipulative." Rachel said. Brittany was pretty sure there was a bunch of things added onto the beginning of that but she had lost track of it. She had heard it all before and it wasn't like she was ignoring it. Of course she wasn't ignoring it. She just didn't want to believe it.

Why would you ever want to believe something like that about someone you cared about?

Brittany just wished she knew. She wished she knew these things before she started falling for her.

But sometimes you can't stop yourself from falling. You just do.

"Did Kurt tell you about all of the horrible things she did to us?" Rachel said.

Brittany only opened her mouth to finally respond to fill the awkward silence that had suddenly clung to the group. "Yes." She answered quickly and simply. Brittany knew she didn't need to say much more because Rachel was jumping right back into her rant.

"I mean the slushies and the nicknames." Rachel said. "She was absolutely horrible."

Brittany watched the way Rachel swallowed a lump in her throat. The way she finished that last sentence while pretending to look over at the door like that was suddenly important and she knows that what Santana did to Rachel hurts her more than she lets on. The rants are just a mask for tears that Rachel thinks she's too strong to cry.

Brittany wants to tell her that strong people cry too.

The waitress comes by to interrupt Rachel's huffs. She takes their orders and their menus and heads off to another table to refill their drinks.

"I'm sorry." The words slip out of Rachel's mouth in a puff of air. Brittany can see Rachel's shoulders visibly relax. When Brittany looks up at her best friend's eyes she finds the ghost of a smile there.

"I'm just sad to see you hurt." Rachel states sadly.

Brittany feels a frown grace her lips but she forces it into a smile before she nods over at Rachel.

She will always be thankful to have friends like these.

"Did you see the trailer for the new movie?" Kurt said.

Brittany is thankful for the change in topic and she knows by the way he nods in her direction that she owes him one.

"Oh My God! The one based off one of the top twenty longest running Broadway musicals of _all _Time? Yes!" Rachel says. Her voice contains the hushed childish excitement that brings a smile to Brittany's lips.

This is the Rachel she loves to see. Happy-go-lucky and jumping up and down in her seat with Kurt as they exchange rumors of the cast and crew of the upcoming film. Brittany checks off the release date in her mental calendar because she knows she'll be at the midnight showing and Rachel and Kurt will definitely be in costume and even though she's never seen the musical Brittany will probably be at Rachel's six hours early so Rachel can help her put on a costume.

Brittany would never turn down an opportunity to wear a good costume.

Kurt and Rachel are too caught up in their conversation to notice the clang of the bell as the restaurant front door opens or the way the rest of the dining room softens into an uncomfortable silence. Brittany looks up and follows everyone's glances to the front.

Its there that she seems him.

She's never seen him in person but she's seen his face on TV enough times to never forget it. Father Gerry was a legend in Lima, Ohio. Some people celebrated him and everything he taught but in Brittany's mind he was famous for all the wrong reasons. As a founder of the Ex-Gay group, Love Can Win, Father Gerry gave speeches all across the country. The last time Brittany had seen him on TV he was giving an interview on his opinion regarding the divisive gay marriage bill. He barely spoke a sentence before Brittany shut off the TV in a frustrated huff.

Brittany had come across many people in her life who took issue with who she was, people who were offended by gay people, others who were just uncomfortable with the idea of anyone being gay but she had never heard someone speak like it was an illness before. The way Father Gerry spoke, it was like he thought she had a sickness that he could 'cure'. Ever since then she had switched off the TV whenever she saw his face.

And now here he was.

Brittany heard Rachel and Kurt's babbling die down too. The room was dead silent as the Priest took a few steps towards the middle of the dinning room. Several other people filed into the room and stepped up to various tables holding out little sheets of papers.

Brittany's eyes fell on an elderly woman who walked up and stood at the front of her table. Brittany turned to face her and felt her eyes run over the sheet of paper that the women's tan, wrinkled hands held out to Blaine and Kurt. Brittany could see the way Blaine's arm gripped tighter around Kurt's shoulders in silent defiance.

The woman placed the paper gently on the table. Brittany tried to read the upside down words on the paper. She only read the words "same-sex attractions" and "overcome" before she felt a body pushed towards her and saw another paper being held out to her in the grip of a equally tan but significantly shakier hand. She followed the hands up to the tan arm and met terrified, wide brown eyes.

No.

* * *

><p>"<em>-understand the ignorance and error of mortals, and how far they drift from the light…"<em>

She didn't know.

"_-and deprive themselves of the true and highest blessing of this life."_

How could she know?

"_-all of them are weak and afflicted by many sins, for which the only remedy is suffering."_

But she's standing here, shaking like a leaf and staring at Brittany and she's wishing she never walked through that door. Of course she would be here and of course this would happen now. And now Santana looks down at Rachel and Kurt and his boyfriend and she just wants to throw up because of the looks on their faces. They look horrified and they look offended but worst of all she sees tears threatening in all of their eyes and she's a part of the group that's causing it.

Even if she didn't mean to be.

Even if she thought doing her Abuela a favor meant handing out 'Have you Found Jesus yet?' cards or singing in the choir or some sort of charity event. Even if she didn't know what this group was. She's still a part of it. And now she's thinking back to high school and all the names she's called them and how their eyes looked like this.

Only now it's 100 times worse.

Now its not school yard bullying. She doesn't know what this is. She doesn't know what the name is for whatever she's doing right now but just by the looks on their faces. She would probably use the word torture.

She can't breathe. This room has gotten so small and even though Father Gerry is the one talking Santana's feels like everyone is staring at her. She crumples the paper unintentionally as her hand balled into a fist.

She can't breathe.

She feels like she can't breathe.

She rushes down the row of tables and makes a line for the front door. She can still hear Father Gerry shouting over her gasping breathes. Whether he sees her or cares about her is beyond her knowledge but all she knows is that he doesn't stop his shouts for a second. The words still come from his lungs and hang in her ears as she tries to make her escape.

"_If you realize your body is your enemy, and an enemy of God's glory since it is an enemy of your sanctification, why do you treat it so softly?"_

She pushes the door open and she finally lets out the tears she hadn't even realized she'd been holding back. She jogs a few steps away from the door and towards the parking lot when she remembers that she drove with her Abuela. She doesn't have her car.

She's stuck.

"Was the rock salt your idea too?"

Santana halts her movements when she hears the voice behind her. She doesn't have to turn to know its source. Even though the voice carries a tone she's never heard attached to it before she could hear the blonde blue-eyed voice whisper across a football field and still know it's her. But she can't turn around. She can't meet her blue eyes because she's afraid of what she'll see in them.

She hears Brittany's feet shift as she takes a few steps on the gravel.

"Towards the end of senior year they started putting rock salt in _your_ slushies." Brittany takes a few steps closer and Santana shifts her weight but still doesn't turn around. "I remember the first time they did it. It was a Friday I remember that because we had a dress rehearsal for Sectionals that night. We were doing Michael Jackson and we all wore our outfits to school that day. Kurt spent weeks on his white sequin leather jacket. He was so excited to wear it; he talked about it all week. But he got a face full of red slushie before he could even get out of the parking lot."

"The worst part wasn't even that his jacket was ruined. It was his reaction when we found the pieces of rock salt on his clothes and in his hair. It wasn't teasing anymore. And it wasn't hazing or whatever else the teachers would call it to make themselves feel better. It was malicious. They wanted to hurt him and they did. Maybe they didn't blind him like they planned or scratch his face but they hurt him so bad. He probably would have transferred to new school if he wasn't already halfway through his senior year."

Santana swallowed a lump in her throat.

"I can't tell you how many days I had to help Rachel clean her hair in the sink of the girl's bathroom or how many times I helped Kurt scrub out his brand new clothes. And even if your original slushies didn't have rock salt in them. They might as well have, because you intended them to hurt. Didn't you?"

Santana knows she should say something. She knows she should turn around and respond. But she also knows that even though she has only really just known Brittany for a few days. That this isn't very like her. That this tone sounds nothing like the tone Brittany usually carries. And she hates to think that she is the one that broke Brittany's carefree spirit.

"And here you are back with your new version of slushies to throw in our faces. Because you had to know that Rachel has two dads and that Kurt is dating Blaine and you had to know what these would do to them." Santana can hear a piece of paper crumbling in Brittany's hand. "I thought everyone was wrong about you. I thought that everyone thought you were a bad person but you really weren't. I thought they didn't know you or maybe they were talking about another Santana and they were confused. But it's like you're two different people and I don't think my Santana is real anymore."

Santana begs her body to move. To turn around and talk to Brittany but it doesn't because she has nothing to say anyway.

Not when everything Brittany thinks is true.

So instead she listens to Brittany's steps on the gravel and she listens as the door to Breadstix shut and then her feet finally move. But they don't turn around to find Brittany and explain to her things that she can't even begin to explain to herself.

Instead she runs.

She runs away from this stupid restaurant and this stupid parking lot and her stupid mind that won't stop thinking when she wants it to and it won't start thinking when she actually needs it.

She almost gets to the main road when she realizes she's hyperventilating. She drops to her knees and tries to gasp air into her lungs. She's pretty sure she's dying when she sees the world grow foggy around the edges of her vision.

She's not sure she cares anymore.

* * *

><p>The man is now standing on top of an empty table but still shouting over the of the crowd when she returns to her seat. Some people stay in their booths ignoring their abandoned dinners and just watch the scene unfold in front of them. The manager of the restaurant stands at the Priest's feet and does everything but beg him to come down. Some customers of the restaurant such as Kurt, Rachel and Blaine are standing and throwing on their coats to leave before things get any worse.<p>

A few grumble some choice words into his direction as they leave but it only leads to shouting and debates with the Priest's company who surround his feet in a protective bubble.

Worst of all, others are offering words of agreement and encouragement to the group.

Brittany still feels the rage boiling inside her as she leads Rachel out the door with a hand placed at the small of her back. She can feel Kurt and Blaine behind her and she can't hear what he's saying but she knows that Blaine is whispering words of encouragement into Kurt's ear.

Kurt has come so far into himself since high school.

She hopes that he won't let them take it away.

When they finally step out of the restaurant and Brittany feels the bitter cold wind cross her face once more she can feel the muscles of Rachel's back loosen as the Priest's words are softened until they can barely be heard.

They can hear muffled sounds coming through the thick oak doors but they can't make out any of the words actually being said. But Brittany can imagine what he's saying and in many ways imagining is worse.

They climb into Rachel's car and Brittany takes Rachel's keys from her without saying a word. None of them speak on the drive home but it doesn't really matter, she's not really sure if there are words that can take away the shock of what happened.

Brittany knows how the world works. She knows that there are people out there that say mean things but she's not sure why but it means something more when its in person. Its like it isn't real if it's on the TV or in the News.

And she wishes she never knew it was real.

Brittany finds herself wondering what that means about Santana. Maybe she's always done stuff like this. She's gone on faraway trips and slept with girls just to come back home and continue her fake life as usual. She wonders how long Santana had been lying to herself and how many other girls she had slept with.

She wonders. She wonders. She wonders until she can't make sense of her thoughts anymore.

When she pulls into Rachel's driveway she doesn't even realize how she got there. Maybe she wasn't the best option to drive after all.

"I'm sorry." Brittany whispers to Rachel after she kills the engine because somehow she feels responsible. Because somehow she feels dirty like she should shower and she feels used and disgusting because she should have known. She should have seen the signs and she should have listened because everyone had warned her and she didn't listen.

But she didn't and now here she is.

Rachel just frowns at her. Brittany can see a smile struggling to form there but it just won't.

"It's not your fault." Rachel says as she places a caring hand on Brittany's forearm.

It does nothing to stop the sob that echoes through her chest.

* * *

><p>"Santana."<p>

She hears the voice and assumes it connected to the hands that are shaking her shoulder but it sounds so far away.

So very far away.

"Santana!"

The voice shouts this time and the hands rattle her harder until it jostles her body awake. She looks up at the ridiculous Mohawk staring down at her and then she glances down into concerned brown eyes.

"What the hell is going on? Are you okay?" Puck asks as he helps Santana to her feet.

Santana doesn't bother to answer him as she rises to her feet because she doesn't have an answer.

And if she did, it'd be no because no, she's not okay.

She looks around to realize that she's passed out on the side of the road and she's not really sure how to explain this one.

Sane people don't pass out on the side of the road.

"I was supposed to meet up with some chicks at Breadstix." Puck says. Santana can feel his eyes watching her carefully like she might fall or vomit on him or something. "But there were like police there and shit. Did something happen?"

Santana doesn't have the patience for questions. She pinches the bridge of her nose with the tips of her fingers and fights off what feels to be the beginnings of a migraine. She bends to pick up her purse in the grass and starts heading off back down the road.

She only gets a few steps before he stops her.

"Wait." He calls even though he's standing in front of her and Santana has already stopped walking. "Let me give you a ride."

Santana shakes her head as she attempts to side step him.

"You were just passed out in the grass, Santana. And you don't look very drunk." Puck says. "You could be sick or something maybe-"

"I'm not sick." Santana shouts over him. She feels her fingernails digging painfully into the palms of her hand. "There's nothing _wrong_ with me!"

She knows by the way Puck is recoiling that she has been the very opposite of convincing. She shuts her mouth quickly before anything horrible can escape her lips.

"I'm fine." Santana finally says in a hushed hurried voice.

"It's late Santana." Puck says sternly. "Let me just drive you home."

She finally nods and allows Puck to guide her to the passenger side of his truck without any more protest.

The car ride is spent in an awkward silence. Neither of them speaks until Santana is jumping down from the truck in front of her house and it is Puck who breaks the silence.

"Please take care of yourself." He says.

Santana looks up to meet those concerned brown eyes and all she can think about is how much she doesn't deserve anyone to care about her.

**/* Author's Note: Thank you all to those that read and Review. I loved everything you guys had to say last time! You guys are what keeps me updating. Also check me out at diablovixen . tumblr . com if you have anything else you want to chat about*/**


	11. Storm

**A Few Weeks Later.**

Saturday mornings at The Lima Bean were usually Brittany's favorite. No one really had a place to be so people were more easy-going and relaxed. People didn't have the usual hustle in their steps or impatient bounces in their legs as they waited for their morning fix.

But today was different.

The morning sky was already changing to a foreboding shade of dark gray to signal the coming of the already predicted snowstorm. People ran in and out of the coffee shop grabbing their orders and heading out to probably stock up on snow shovels or cases of water or whatever they thought they needed to prepare for the coming storm. Brittany could feel and taste the snow in the bitter air that burst through the door with each new customer.

She couldn't deny that the weather people were probably right. But this was the midwest. Snow was kind of a thing here and even through the weather people predicted a few feet, people shouldn't have to be extra impatient and grumpy today.

Brittany watched a man bundled in a plaid scarf and dark coat practically sprint out the Lima Bean, almost colliding with a woman.

"It's like we've never seen a snow storm before." Brittany grumbled .

She turned her attention back to her friends. Rachel and Kurt exchanged a worried glance.

"Well they say its going to be a pretty big storm." Rachel said. She spoke in a low careful tone, as if speaking too loud would scare Brittany away. "Are you sure you are going to be okay in your apartment alone?"

"I'll be fine." Brittany said. She stared down at the drink in her hands and wrapped her fingers around the once hot cup and found that it had long lost the ability to warm her frozen fingers.

"It's just that we could get snowed in for a few days and I don't think you should be in that apartment all - "

"I'll be fine." Brittany snapped. She looked up to see the tail-end of another glanced exchanged between Kurt and Rachel. Kurt shrugged at Rachel.

Ever since the incident at Breadstix and her mini breakdown in Rachel's car, Brittany was starting to sense that Kurt and Rachel felt like they were walking on egg shells around her.

"Brittany." Kurt finally spoke after another glance in Rachel's direction. "What Santana did - or is doing - it's horrible for everyone-"

"Oh you slept with her too." Brittany grumbled.

As soon as she saw Kurt's eyes widen she regretted it. This wasn't her. She wasn't this spiteful angry person that made her friends feel sad and uncomfortable. She wasn't going to let anyone change that about her.

"I'm sorry." Brittany said. She met Rachel's eyes before looking back to Kurt. "I just really liked her. I think I still do. I can't stop and I don't know why."

"Oh honey." Rachel said. Kurt and Rachel leaned across the table and pulled Brittany into an awkward embrace. She didn't even know she had been crying until her tears left wet stains on Rachel's sweater.

"All the more reason you should stay over tonight." Rachel added when Brittany pulled back to wipe the wetness from her cheeks.

"We can have a girls night!" Kurt added as he clapped his hand ethusiastically.

"Yes!" Rachel said. Kurt and Rachel turned their attention to Brittany who could only shrug in response.

"Can I think about it?" She said.

* * *

><p>Santana crossed her arms as she stared out the large bay windows. It was late morning but the overcast of clouds made everything look dark. The forecasters weren't fucking around.<p>

Something big was definetly coming.

And of course it was coming today of all days. It was fucking poetic really.

There was a loud knock at the door that stirred Santana from her thoughts. Santana glanced up at the stairs as if willing the sound away from her mother's bedroom. Her mother liked to sleep in on bad days and the only thing worse then her mother on a bad day (and today was going to be one of the worst days) was her mother pissed off on a bad day.

Santana practically sprinted to the door and ripped it open before the person could knock again. She was surprised to see Quinn standing there with pink cheeks and even more surprised to see her carrying a box of crap. Quinn practically body slammed Santana to push herself into the house.

"Well its good to see you too, Quinn." Santana said as she closed the door.

"Well its fucking freezing out. Santana." Quinn said with a snarl. Her voice was a little louder than Santana wanted it to be. She chanced a glance up the stairs.

"See this is why I don't invite you over. You have no manners." Santana said. "And can you keep your voice down?"

"It's almost noon." Quinn said.

"Seriously just keep it the fuck down." Santana shot back. She looked back at Quinn to find her dropping the box down on the table.

"What is that shit?" Santana whispered as she stepped closer to peer into the box.

She recognized some of the stuff. A pair of earrings that she had let Quinn borrow, a pair of Cherrios shorts that she kept at Quinn's for when she was too drunk to get home. She picked up a facedown picture frame that was at the top of the pile. She turned it over and recognized it as the two of them from Sophomore year. Quinn had always kept this picture on her nightstand.

"What is this, Quinn?" Santana felt her voice break a little at end of her name.

"We're done, Santana." Quinn said.

Santana placed the picture frame gently back in the box. "We?" She echoed.

"I thought I would get over the thing you pulled with Puck. Like I always do." Quinn said. "But you didn't even like him. I know you didn't because you never like anyone. You just wanted him because I did. And I can't do it anymore Santana. Mercedes-"

"Mercedes?" Santana croaked. She felt a pang in her chest, like something was sitting on top of her making it harder to breath.

"-Mercedes, Sugar and I have been talking. And we all agree that its best if we just cut off all ties with you." Quinn said. She gestured to the box now sitting on the kitchen table. "This is everything of yours that I or Mercedes or Sugar had so you shouldn't be needing to contact any of us."

"I can't believe you're doing this." Santana felt the vulnerable words pour out her mouth.

Not today of all days. Not when she needed someone the most.

She swallowed the rest of her words. Quinn looked away for a second before she turned back to look at Santana.

"You bring out the worst in people." Quinn said. "And we don't want to be dragged down by you anymore."

Santana felt Quinn's shoulder brush hers as Quinn headed towards the door. The touch set Santana off like a bomb and all of a sudden she started to sputter the most horrible things that came to her mind.

"Because you're such a saint, Quinn?" She snapped.

Quinn had stopped walking but her back was still facing Santana. The words flowed through Santana's veins like poison she had no choice to get rid of it. And Quinn was her only available target.

"Because you're daddy's little girl and you do whatever he tells you do to?" Santana added.

Quinn whipped around. Santana saw fire in her eyes. She couldn't help the smirk that graced her lips when she realized that she had struck a nerve.

"Is that really what your problem is?" Quinn said as she took a step closer towards Santana, bumping her chest against her in a threatening manner. "You can't hold that against me, just because my father is around when your _own _father couldn't deal with your shit either."

Santana swallowed a lump in her throat as Quinn stepped back with a evil grin.

"And the only person crazy enough to be around you-" Quinn started.

"Don't you fucking dare call her that." Santana shouted as she took a threatening step towards Quinn. Santana took deep breath to calm herself before she spoke again to a startled Quinn.

"See the only difference between you and I is at least I'm fucking honest about how much of a bitch I am." Santana said. "I don't walk around on my high and mighty horse pretending to be something I'm not."

"I don't start a chasity club at school and then get pregnant a month later." Santana said. "And I don't get an abortion because my daddy tells me too and then lie to everyone as I walk in pro-life-"

All Santana saw was white as a loud smack rang through her ears. Quinn stepped back, her hand falling back to her wide open mouth. Santana eased her palm against her already burning cheek.

"We always knew something was up for you." Quinn said. "All the things you'd say and do and we just figured it was high school thing and you'd get better. But you'll never change."

The frozen wind bit through Santana's thin sweatpants as Quinn stepped out of her house slamming the front door behind her.

Even with her ears still ringing she could still manage to hear a groggy voice call her name from up the stairs.

* * *

><p>"Mom?" Santana called back.<p>

"Why are you making so much fucking noise?" Her mother said from the top of the stairs. Santana glanced up but could only get as high as her mother's feet before she froze.

Her mother took a few stomping steps before she was standing in front of Santana.

"I'm sorry." Santana said. She felt her mother's breath on her and met her angry eyes. She searched for her mother in them but saw the same nothing that had been in there for years.

It was a worse day.

Of course it would be. It was the anniversary of the worst day of their lives.

"Don't be fucking sorry. Just don't do it Santana." Her mother snarled. She bumped Santana's shoulder she headed straight towards the coffee pot.

"Have you ever thought about maybe seeing someone or something?" Santana said.

She flinched as soon as the words left her mouth. She heard the coffee pot slam agaisnt the laminate and didn't even bother to turn around to look into her furious eyes.

"Excuse me?" Her mother snarled. She took a few steps forward and Santana felt herself flinch again.

Santana turned to face her but looked everywhere but into her mother's eyes. "It's just that sometimes things are really good and then they're really bad, maybe if-"

"Today is the anniversary of my son's death." Her mother bellowed. "I don't have the right to feel upset about it?"

Santana swallowed the lump in her throat and suddenly realized how small she felt even though her mother and her were almost the same height.

"I-I-I know its just-" Santana stammered over her words.

"Get out." Her mother said. She turned around and turned her attention back to the coffee pot.

"W-what?" Santana fumbled further. She was saying all the wrong things.

"Get out of my house." Her mother echoed. She turned her attention back to Santana and took a few steps towards her. "You don't have a right to come into my fucking house and tell me there's something wrong with me."

"Get-The-Fuck-Out!" Her mother shouted as she pointed towards the door. Santana threw the pink hoodie over her head and slipped on her tennis shoes before stepping out the door. The door closed and locked behind before she could think to go back and grab a warmer jacket.

It was too late by then and she just hugged her arms around her body and walked. She wasn't sure where she was going to go or how she was going to get there but as the first few snow flakes started to fall she decided to go to where ever her legs wanted to take her.

* * *

><p>The snow was soaking through Santana's shoes and she was shivering from the cold by the time she realized her feet had dragged her to Brittany's apartment. She didn't hesitate as she walked over the fresh snow that covered the walkway leading up to Brittany's door. She listened against the door and was relieved to hear the telltale sounds of a TV.<p>

She was home.

Brittany was the one and only person she needed and wanted right now. She knew Brittany would make everything feel better even when it didn't seem like it was ever going to be.

Even though she was too terrified to admit it, she needed Brittany. Especially today, especially now. She needed Brittany and that's what scared her more than anything. She had needed people before and when she got comfortable enough to rely on them. They were gone.

If she just explained everything, she knew Brittany would listen and maybe she would understand because Brittany was kind and gentle. Because Brittany was the most amazing person Santana had ever met.

Santana knocked softly on the door.

She bounced on her feet to beat the cold as she looked down to see the shadow of Brittany's feet through the crack on the base of the door.

"Brittany, it's me." Santana said. She tried to hide the way her voice cracked in her throat but she knew if Brittany was standing there she could probably hear it too. "I know you're probably mad at me. I don't blame you. But I just could really use someone and I don't have anywhere to go. E-Even if I did, I don't want to be anywhere else."

She waited for a few seconds and watched the shadow pace in front of the door.

"Please." Santana begged. She felt tears trickling down her face. She looked down and saw the shadows had disappeared.

She was gone.

"Okay." Santana said. She crumbled to the ground leaning agaisnt the door. "I'm just going to wait here and you can open the door when you're ready."

Santana ignored the wet snow soaking through her sweats and she ignored the snow piling up on her shoulders and she just waited because that's what she'd always do.

* * *

><p>Brittany stepped off the sidewalk of Arlene's Grocery and felt her feet plunge deep into the snow. They must have been in the store a lot longer then she had planned.<p>

"Well it looks like you have no choice." Rachel smiled at she led Brittany and Kurt towards her car.

"What?" Brittany exclaimed.

"I'm not driving you across town in a foot of snow." Rachel said. She grabbed the bags Brittany was carrying and dropped them in her trunk. "And its only getting worse." She gestured to the snow swirling around them.

"I live like two blocks away from you." Brittany asked.

"Still, It's too dangerous." Rachel said. She popped open her trunk and dropped in her plastic bags. She waited as Kurt and Brittany dropped their bags in too.

"Did you plan this?" Brittany snapped.

"What?" Rachel made the high pitched voice she makes only when she gets caught in one of her schemes. When Kurt avoided her eyes she knew this was a scheme.

"You totally planned this." Brittany said.

"Okay, yes it was planned." Rachel said as she inched her way into her car being careful not to slip on the slick ground. "But its for the better. You shouldn't be home alone."

"I wouldn't have been home alone!" Brittany said. "Lord Tubbington is there and now he's all by himself!"

"Oh he's a cat, Brittany. He'll be fine." Rachel said with a flick of her wrist.

"No he won't!" Brittany crossed her arms and let out a huff of air as she sat down in the back seat. "I won't be there to feed him."

Kurt let out a laugh. "Brittany I'm pretty sure your cat would be fine if he missed a few dozen feedings."

Brittany ignored Kurt's statement and turned her attention back to Rachel. "And what if he misses me?"

"Did you leave the TV on for him?" Rachel asked.

"Of course. He loves the Saturday morning cartoons." Brittany said. "But he's going to to be waiting for me by the door like he always does because I told him I'd come home and he's going to be mad if he thinks I lied. He didn't talk to me for a week last time I didn't come home when I promised I would."

"He'll be fine, Brittany." Rachel said. She turned the key in the ignition and started to back out of their parking space. "With the TV on he won't even notice you're missing. You know how men are when the TV's on."

"He's not a man, he's a cat." Brittany said.

"He's a mancat." Rachel said. "And you're staying over. That is final."

"Off to the Berry residence." Kurt exclaimed.

Brittany let out another huff of air and stared out at the falling snow as they drove.

* * *

><p>Santana waited.<p>

And She waited.

And She waited

She could have even swore she almost caught Brittany peaking through the blinds of her living room window but by the time she looked up she just saw the blinds smacking against each other.

The snow was much deeper now and it pretty much soaked through her entire sweatshirt. The wet lump was probably hurting more than it was helping. She took it off and threw it over the railing.

"Its okay." She said. She wasn't sure if she was speaking to Brittany or herself anymore.

She took off down the road and walked without much of a purpose.

She had nowhere to go.

The plows hadn't even bothered to hit these roads yet and Santana found herself walking through snow up to her knees. It was exhausting and her sweatpants were completely soaking thorough. So was the t-shirt she was wearing. It really was a fucking brilliant idea to take off the hoodie she was wearing.

She heard the brakes of a truck screech as a pickup truck skidded and fish tailed to a messy stop several feet in front of her. She heard someone call her name from cabin. She gingerly approached the door and met eyes with Puck.

"What the fuck are you doing walking around in this?" He said. He met her with those concerned eyes again and she had to pull away from his glare.

Santana stared down at the cushions of the seat.

"Erm." Puck cleared his throat. He pushed open his door. "Get in." He said.

"It's a fucking blizzard and you're dressed for a stroll in the park." Puck added when Santana hesitated.

As they drove She could feel the heat of the truck radiating her body she warmed her frozen hands against the vents.

"Are you okay?" He asked. "It kind of looks like you've been crying."

Santana didn't look at him but she felt the words start to flow out of her mouth. "Today's my birthday."

She could see Puck's eyes flick over to her for a second before he turned back to the road. Once his eyes were off her she felt safe enough to speak again.

"It was my thirteenth birthday." She stared out the window as she spoke. She wasn't sure she was saying these things. It just poured out of her mouth and she couldn't stop herself.

"And my brother, my brother Dominic, h-he usually sat in the front seat because he was older and he was bigger but my mom, she let me sit there that day. It was a big snowstorm. Kind of like this one. My mom didn't like to drive in the snow but my dad was stuck late at the hospital and we never spent a birthday apart so we were going to have a stupid dinner in the hospital cafeteria. But this hugh truck that was driving behind us slipped on a patch of ice and slammed right into us. It should of been me. I should have been in the back seat. B-But it wasn't. It was him and he was gone."

Puck cleared his throat and shifted the car into park. Santana looked up to see the snow covered sign for Arlene's Grocery.

"Santana." Puck started. Santana stared out the window and up at the flakes falling against the windshield, she looked at anything to avoid his eyes. "I have to be honest with you. I'm not the smartest person in the world. I'm not really great with words or sentences or stringing them together in supersmart ways. I mean I had to sleep with my English teacher just to graduate. If only my history teacher was so easy..."

Santana let out a tearful huff. She wasn't sure if she should laugh or be repulsed by his comment.

"I'm so sorry about your brother but maybe you should talk to someone smarter than me about this because I'm just going to say something stupid and make it worse. Like maybe your friend Quinn or-" Puck said sadly.

Santana let out a frustrated huff and glanced over at Puck's eyes. They were concerned again but there was a hint of something else there. She wasn't sure if it was sadness or something else.

"You aren't stupid Puck." She said.

Puck smiled sadly. He cleared his throat. "I need to grab a few beers for my buddies but then I can take you whereever you need to go alright?" He closed the door behind him and she watched as he threw his hood over his head and waved as he stepped back from the truck.

Santana watched him up until he disappeared through the sliding glass doors and instead she turned her attention towards the slow accumlating on the frozen windshield.

. Maybe there was a reason no one wanted to take her in. Maybe there was a reason Brittany was ignoring her and maybe there was a reason she had no where else to go.

Maybe Quinn was right.

A familary voice came through the radio station and poked a whole through Santana's thoughts.

_How many of you are in need of some hope here tonight? __How many of you are at the end of your rope? How many are ready for an encounter with the Lord? At Love Can Win- _

The driver's side door pulled open with a loud creak. Puck hopped in and placed a case of beer between them before he turned to Santana.

"So where will it be?"

**/* Author's note: Sorry for the delay guys. Things have been busy with real life but I recently broke my foot :( and my schedule blew wide open. You might see some updates to my other story as well. I know you guys are looking for an end to the angst and I promise this story has a meaning and a goal and message and things will happen. Thanks for all the reviews and follows etc I love hearing from you guys and check me out on tumblr: .com.*/**


	12. Aloud, Allowed

The room smelled musty and old like it had been unlived in for years. Everything felt so new and so old at the same time. The bare floorboards creaked with every step she took as she inched her way closer to the bed and ran her hand over the rough fabric covering the mattress.

This was nothing like her room at home.

The walls were painted a tattered shade of white. She wasn't sure if it was just an old and faded shade of white or intentionally painted to look yellowish. Even thought it was brighter than her bedroom at home, at least technically but the oak furniture and the eggshell paint did nothing to fix the churning in her stomach.

She'd never feel at home here.

Santana heard the steps against the old floorboard before she heard the door creak open. The much brighter lights of the hallway leaked into "her" room as a body slipped in through the crack in the door.

"Here you go, hun." The women Santana had been introduced to as Nicole held out a few handfuls of brightly colored fabrics. They looked like something she had stolen out of Quinn's closet.

Santana grabbed the first fabric, a cotton yellow dress with blue and pink daisies on it. She was sure she was visibility cringing when she held the fabric out in front of her.

"Men wear v-necks and sweatpants. You need to start wearing more feminine clothes here." She whispered.

Maybe if she hadn't been shivering she would have put in more of a protest but she was sure she'd have put on a potato sack if it meant changing into something dry.

After she returned from the bathroom in her new clothes she found that Nicole had hung out the rest of her new wardrobe. All the new dresses were carbon copies of the one she was already wearing.

"We can get you come more clothing worthy of a lady later." She scooped up the wet ball of fabric that had been Santana's t-shirt and sweatpants and dropped them unceremoniously into the waste basket at Santana's feet. "You won't be needing those anymore and you definitely won't be wanting to wear things like that anymore when you're feeling better." Nicole said.

Santana opened her mouth to protest, those had to be her favorite pair of sweatpants. She opened her mouth to protest but Nicole held up her hand to stop her.

"Now is as good a time as any to go over some of the house rules." Nicole said. "There are a few rules for new comers. They may seem a bit strange but don't worry. We know what we're doing. Healing really doesn't start until after the first week and we don't want you doing anything that could harm the progress of yourself or another patient. One, there's no talking to any other patients. You will speak to healers only in the event of an emergency. You will not speak to another patient until we grant you permission which is usually in about a week or so. To go along with that. There's no eye contact, gesturing or any other forms of contact allowed either."

Santana watched as Nicole stepped over to the head of the bed and fluffed the pillow that was there. Nicole glanced up and locked eyes with Santana. She held their glance until Santana shifted her eyes to stare at the floorboards at her feet.

"Good." Nicole said. "Additional rules, There is no television, reading, music or any other media of any kind allowed. All acceptable material can be found in the library. All of which I will show to you bright and early tomorrow morning when I give you a full tour."

"There's pajamas in the top drawer of the dresser." Santana didn't look up but she could see Nicole gesture out of the corner of her eye. "Along with a few other things you may need. Another rule, the other patients may not see you in your sleepwear and you may not see another patient in theirs and we should never ever find you in a bedroom that doesn't belong to you. Is that clear?"

Santana kept her eyes fixed on the floor but nodded anyway while she waited for Nicole to continue her onslaught of rules. When nothing else came she looked up at the spot on the wall just above Nicole's ear.

"Some things in life aren't easy Santana." Nicole took a few steps forward and reached for her hand. Santana had to ignore every instinct in her body that was telling her to rip it away. "But we've cured people before and if you're willing to fight, we can cure you too."

Santana swallowed a lump in her throat as she nodded again. Nicole seemed to take this as a hint as she dropped Santana's hand and left.

Santana hugged her body tightly as she studied the room. The walls didn't change from cream to black and the old musty smell never changed to the smell of home like she prayed it would. She inched her way to the dresser and yanked open the top drawer. There was a clang of metal against wood as something hard smacked against the front. Santana saw a crumpled string of steel.

She pulled it out and held it up against the light. It looked like one of those choking dog collar with links of silver loops only it had three rows of links. One side had small sharp barbs and the other was smooth metal. Santana shoved the metal back into the corner of the drawer and assumed who ever had left it there would know where to look for it later. She grabbed the long silk nightgown and quickly changed into it. It was nothing like the usual shorts and t-shirt she wore to bed. The purple silk fell tangled around her ankles as she crawled into bed.

She closed her eyes and tried to force herself into sleep but even the soothing sound of the winter storm outside her window or the warmth of the scratchy wool blankets could bring her from to the sleep she so desperately wanted.

* * *

><p>It was worth dealing with Rachel's grumbling about how God would forgive her for missing one day of church after a glorified blizzard just for the relief she felt just for being here.<p>

She didn't come here for God anyway.

Brittany watched Brian as he strummed a tune on his guitar. The members around him swayed to the beat or some of the older members even remembered the lyrics and sang along.

Brittany didn't feel much like swaying or singing today.

Brian was young, well he was older than Brittany but her parents called him young so she did too. She had learned that other people called the leaders of their churches or temples Father or Pastor or Rabbi and they were so confused when she only told them that the leader of hers was just called "Brian." He wore a simple longed sleeve black button down shirt and khaki pants and the shiniest shoes Brittany had ever seen. He always had this big smile on his face that never seemed to go away especially when he had a guitar in his hands.

She looked over at the spots of snow that was still clutching to the stained glass windows. She felt herself wondering if Santana went to church this morning. She almost sighed at herself, of course Santana went to church this morning. She probably went every morning through rain, sleet, or snow like a postman. She was probably listening to Father Gerry right now. Brittany felt herself cringe.

"Good Morning, Brittany." A light voice called Brittany from her thoughts. She turned to see Brian pulling a folding chair to sit in the open space across from her.

"Morning, Brian." She answered with her attempt at a warm smile.

Brian frowned down at her as he lowered into his chair. "You'll always in the center of the afternoon songs. But these past few weeks you've been really quiet. Is it something you want to talk about?"

Brittany stared out the stained glass window as the too-bright-day-after-snow-sun poked its way through the snowless colored glass and painted a rainbow of beautiful colors on the corner wall. She let out a sigh.

"Have you ever liked someone you weren't supposed to?" Brittany asked. She turned back to Brian to see a smile inching across his face.

"Loads of times." Brian said. "But the real important thing is the reason you think you shouldn't like this person? Do your parents not approve of this person?"

Brittany let out another sigh. "No, they've met her." She said casually. She watched as Brian didn't even flinch at this information. It wasn't new to him. She always felt comfortable talking to him about boy troubles or about girl troubles minus any of the sexy stuff. And Brian always gave good advice. "They liked her actually."

Brian smiled. "So what's the problem?" He asked.

"Everyone else thinks she's a bully and she's mean and she's done some horrible things to my friends and I guess you would say she's done things to me." Brittany said. "People think she's-" Brittany hesitated at the word. It was harsh and final but she couldn't think of a better way to explain it. "People think she's evil. A-and I'm starting to believe them."

Brian's face slipped into a serious expression.

"B-But I think I l-l." Brittany choked back the dryness that lodged into the back of her throat. "I have feelings for her and I can't stop them."

She watched Brian as he stared down at his hands for a second, searching for the perfect thing to say. He looked up and he locked eyes with her.

"Do you remember when you were in high school and you told me about that everyone called you stupid or dumb or slow?" Brian said.

Brittany frowned but she nodded.

"And I explained to you that you see things differently. That everyone else saw you as something that you weren't because they didn't understand how you looked at the world. Do you remember?" Brian said.

Brittany nodded again.

"I think this may be another one of those cases Brittany." Brian said. He leaned forward in his chair. "I don't really know this girl-"

"Santana." Brittany said.

Brian smiled his wide smile again.

"I don't really know this Santana and I don't know her story and I don't really know what she did to you and your friends but I do know that I don't believe that people are evil." Brian said.

"Not even those people at Love Can Win?" Brittany asked suddenly interested.

Brian let out an audible sigh. "Father Gerry." He said with a dark tone. "And his gang of _healers_ are very, very confused. They have, I guess you could say, the most noble of intentions but they have grossly misunderstood God's message. And unfortunately other people have to suffer because of their confusion. But people are fallible Brittany and God's message can sometimes be misunderstood."

Brittany watched as the fire in his eyes extinguished as he turned back towards her and smiled his classic Brian smile.

"Do you know the 11th Commandment, Brittany?" Brian asked.

Brittany frowned. She thought there were only ten.

Brian's smile grew. "In The Gospel of John, Jesus gave us all a new commandment a simple but easy one, 'love one another as I have loved you.' It is the most important message that Jesus gave us."

"People try to define the things that are lovable. People try to define who is and who isn't worthy of our love. But there isn't a single person in this world unworthy of it. It's something that took me a long time to understand and learn and even today I still struggle with it. But to love someone, even those as confused as Father Gerry and those at Love Can Win is the most Christian thing you could ever do."

Brittany smiled at looked down at her hands. "Thank you Brian."

He lowered his head to catch her gaze. "Hey, anytime Brittany. You know that."

Brittany felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and stood up from her chair. "I should probably get going." She said. "My friend's waiting outside."

Brian smiled at her and nodded. She took a step towards the door before Brian called back after her. "Did you ever ask Santana why she did all those things?"

Brittany turned around and looked down at her feet. It was such an easy thing to do that never really came to mind when Santana wasn't around. "No." She said simply.

"Maybe you should." Brian said.

* * *

><p>Santana fitted the way too long and way too bright fabric around her legs as she sat down in the first open seat in the chair circle.<p>

Nicole sat down next to the only empty seat. She pulled out a clipboard from underneath her chair and cleared her throat as she waited for the group to quiet down.

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen." She looked over at the group. Santana dared to look up at the men and women that occupied the seats around her. She realized that some people were much older than she had expected. Some looked to be in their forties maybe older. She noticed a broad shouldered guy sitting in the seat across from her.

Santana jumped when Nicole started to speak again. "As you can see we have a new guest joining us today. Santana got in last night but as you all know she is going to be spiritually quarantined for the next week and you all remember those rules."

Santana kept her eyes fixated on the floor but she was pretty sure everyone had to be staring at her right now.

"And David's quarantine has finally been lifted so you can finally share your your story if you'd like." Santana lifted up her glaze and looked at the broad-shouldered guy that had been sitting across from her.

"Um-" David cleared his throat and adjusted himself in his chair. "I-um my name is David. I –um- came out when I was a sophomore in college. I was playing football at OSU when a news station leaked some photos of me at a um-gay bar. The school was actually okay with it. They didn't endorse it but they didn't give me any trouble for it so I guess that was a good thing. My dad and I were really close until the story leaked but we didn't really speak much after that. I guess it was hard for him, it being so public and everything. I wasn't the best player in the world but I was surprised that I didn't get drafted from any schools but I didn't dwell on it. Instead I moved back here to Lima and started working at Scandals. My dad and I hadn't spoken in a couple of years until he met with Father Gerry and heard about Love Can Win. He called me up and I was." David wiped his eyes and stared down at his feet. "I was just so happy to hear from him again that I decided to give this a try. I just really want to make my dad proud of me again and if this will do it. I'm willing to try."

The group sat in silence for a minute before Father Gerry spoke from his seat next to Nicole. Santana hadn't even noticed he had sat down.

"I do remember speaking with your father, David." Father Gerry said with a wide smile. "He really loves you and he just wants you to be happy and living a normal life."

Santana watched David swallow a lump in his throat.

"I was happy." The words barely fell out of David's mouth and he cringed at them. Santana was sure she heard some of the other patients gasp.

Father Gerry was silent for a beat. That wide smile never left his face as he looked around the group and stopped his glaze on David.

"Your Father mentioned that he never heard of you having a lasting relationship with anyone, man or woman. Is that true?" Father Gerry said.

David swallowed and looked down at the group. "That's true."

"Why do you think that was?" Father Gerry asked.

David mumbled something.

"Excuse me?"

"I just never found the right person." David repeated.

"Don't you see David. You can't feel the proper feelings you want to feel for a man because your body knows it unnatural." Father Gerry said in a manner that was more addressing the group than David.

"Love?" David said sheepishly. "I've felt love."

Father Gerry's eyebrows raised as he looked over to Nicole for a second before looking back at David.

"Then why couldn't you have a lasting relationship with someone you loved?" Nicole chimed in.

"He never knew. He would never have give me the time of day." David said. Santana could feel the words choke in his voice. "I was horrible to him, I threw slushies in his face and I bullied him and tortured him because I was so afraid of what my feelings might mean."

Father Gerry let out a sigh.

"David I think that you are misunderstanding what was happening to you there." Father Gerry said with his wide sickening smile. "It's part of the disorder. Your mind was telling you one thing, that you were in love with this man, but your body was telling you another thing. Your natural instincts were to be repulsed by him, they were to push you away from him."

Father Gerry stood up as he spoke out to other members of the circle. "This is exactly what we've been talking about. The mind tricking itself into desiring things the body does not want. It is curable and it is fixable but the road is not easy. You have to fight for it but I promise that you can beat it. We've seen many come though this school and we've seen many, normal students leave this school."

Father Gerry sat back in his chair and gestured towards David. "Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know that we can help you fix your spiritual and mental self. Just let us do that okay?"

David nodded weakly and went back to staring down at the floor beneath his feet.

Santana couldn't bring her eyes away from David the rest of the session. She knew she was probably supposed to observing the session and listening to people's stories but she just watched as David who looked so deep in thought stared down at his feet.

When the session ended for "recreation time" Santana watched David slip into his bedroom. She didn't know why she did it and she knew she was probably breaking fifty written and unwritten rules when she did it but after ten minutes of debating with herself and almost getting caught by Nicole she creaked open the door to David's bedroom and snuck in.

When she caught sight of David she wished she had never stepped through that door. She found herself watching David in fetal position at the foot of the bed. He was muttering something over and over again to himself.

Part of Santana told her to run away. To escape this private moment before he saw her but another part told her that she couldn't leave him alone.

Not like this.

She inched herself closer and sat on the edge of the bed. She knew he felt her presence because the muttering stopped.

"I remember you." David said as he sat up from his bed. He wiped invisible dust from his pants and met Santana's eyes

Santana felt her eyes widen as she pulled her glance away to avoid looking him in the eye.

"You can talk if you want to." David said with a warm smile. "I won't blow your cover or nothing."

Santana smiled up at him.

"You were with Brittany." David said.

Santana flinched at the name. David frowned at the expression on her face.

"I'm sorry I didn't know you guys were broken up."

Santana still couldn't find her voice.

"Do you still have feelings for her?" David asked.

Santana stared down at the ground, silent for every reason but the stupid house rules.

"I know the feeling." David said.

"Do you think it's ridiculous to be here? I mean, yeah, who wants to be different their whole life and fight for things that other people have always had. It's not wrong to want that right? It's not wrong to want to be like everyone else?"

Santana shook her head for some reason she felt the instinct to reach across and grab David's hand. "It's not wrong at all." She finally said.

David smiled at her and pulled her into a hug. His huge arms wrapped around her body and she felt safe like he would protect her from anything. It felt nice to have someone like that here.

She heard a gasp and felt her arm yanked as her body was pulled away from David.

"Rules are rules for a reason Santana." Nicole said as she pulled her out of the door and towards Santana's own bedroom.

She shoved Santana inside and slammed the door shut as she stepped in behind her. Santana watched as she rummaged through the top drawer and pulled out the silver metal that Santana had found last night.

She held the metal up for Santana to see. "Do you know what this is?"

Santana shook her head.

"Well it's about time I show you and teach you how to wear it." Nicole said. "I can already tell that you're going to be a tough one. You'll need this."

* * *

><p>"Do you think we got enough chips?" Rachel said as she lifted a couple of bags out of her trunk and handed them to Brittany. She handed another set of bags to Kurt and left one bag for herself to carry.<p>

"I just-do you think they'll want more chips?" Rachel said as the trio made their way up the walkway to Brittany's apartment.

"Rachel, you've been freaking out about the chips all afternoon." Kurt said. "What's up with you?"

Brittany watched as Rachel quickened her steps so she was out of Kurt's eye sight.

"Is this because of Finn?" Kurt asked with a hint of humor to his voice.

"Finn?" Brittany asked confused.

"Rachel and Finn have been having a bit of a reconnection." Kurt said. "He's coming tonight."

Brittany made an 'o' shape with her mouth.

"It's really not that big of deal." Rachel said as she practically jogged to Brittany's front door. When Brittany and Kurt caught up, Brittany handed Rachel the bags she was holding and reached for her keys. That's when she noticed a flash of pink on the bannister. She reached across and dusted off the thick layer of snow before she really saw it. The pink hoodie was frozen solid in the cold weather it still held its stiff shape after Brittany lifted it from across the railing but she would never forgot the memories that came along with this hoodie. She brushed off the rest of the remaining snow to show the white "Las Vegas" lettering.

Santana had been here.

Why?

"Brittany?" Kurt asked. "What is that?"

Brittany swallowed the lump in her throat. She didn't know what to say. What was this? Why would Santana leave this here? She searched around but found nothing but undisturbed sheets of white. She could only laugh at herself, of course Santana wasn't still here hiding somewhere in the snow.

"It's nothing." Brittany said. She tried her best but failed at hiding the sadness in her voice. "Let's get inside. It's really cold out here."

They pushed open the door and Brittany found her spirits instantly lifted by the sight of Lord Tubbington waiting at the front door for her like always. She heaved the large cat into arms and kissed it on the head.

"Just drop everything off in the kitchen." Brittany called as she inched over to the couch and saw that the news was playing. She reached over to the remote but before she could turn off the television she heard a little meow of protest from Lord Tubbington. She frowned.

"You like the news?" She said.

The beady yellow eyes met hers and he meowed again.

"Okay." Brittany said. She dropped the cat into his favorite armchair. "I have to go help Kurt and Rachel anyway. She kissed the cat on the head before she turned back towards the kitchen and found Rachel in panic mode.

"So we need to get the chili dip put together." Rachel said. "Kurt you have the cream cheese right? Or maybe it's in this bag."

"Rachel!" Kurt called over her babbling. "Relax!"

"They're going to be her in an hour Kurt." Rachel said. "We don't have time to relax."

They spend the next hour preparing the chili dip and pouring chips in a bowl to the exact specifications Rachel requested. Brittany was pouring the last bag into her last big red bowl when, as if on cue, the doorbell rang.

"I got it." Brittany chimed in before Rachel could freak out any further.

Sam was the first one to arrive. He had his arms around a dark skinned girl who wore a very timid but warm smile. Sam introduced her as Mercedes. She also brought a couple of friends. Mercedes introduced Sugar and Quinn and felt a pang in her chest when she recognized Quinn as a friend of Santana's.

Puck arrived with Finn and a smirk and a case of beer. Blaine came a little late and hesitantly kissed Kurt on the cheek as he stepped into Brittany's apartment.

"So lips." Puck said as he popped the tab on his fifth beer. He gestured between Mercedes and Sam who still had his arm around her like if he removed it she would float away. "What's the story with you too?"

Sam cleared his throat and smiled like he had won the first place trophy at the county fair. "Well I saw her a month or so ago at the grocery store and it was just one of those things, ya know. I like had to ask her out. So there she was in the produce aisle so I just went up and asked if she wanted to get dinner with me."

Puck smirked. "Nice going man."

"Well I actually said no." Mercedes said.

"You said no?"

"Yeah I mean it was kind of creepy. Like he didn't even introduce himself or ask me for my name." Mercedes said with a light laugh.

Sam frowned. "Yeah wasn't my proudest moment. So the next week I saw her again and I introduced myself first and asked her out again."

"And she finally said yes?" Rachel asked dreamily.

"She said no again." Sam said.

Mercedes slapped him playfully on the knee. "I said that I couldn't because I was leaving for vacation the next day. So we rescheduled. I didn't out and out say no."

"Same thing." Sam said.

Mercedes let out a laugh. "It is not."

"Where did you go on vacation?" Rachel asked.

Mercedes gestured to Sugar and Quinn. "We went to Las Vegas for Quinn's birthday."

"Oh that's so crazy. We were just in Las Vegas too." Rachel said.

Brittany looked over at Rachel and found herself wondering how many beers Puck had given her.

"Oh, really?" Quinn said.

"Yeah." Rachel said she placed her empty beer can in Puck's hands. He was out of his seat and headed towards the kitchen in an instant. "We were probably there at the same time! What a small world!"

Brittany felt Kurt casting her a sideways glance as he tried unsuccessfully to nudge Rachel into silence.

"Were you there with Santana?" Rachel blurted out as Puck popped the tab on another beer and dropped it into Rachel's hand.

Brittany was pretty sure she was going to throw up. But maybe that wasn't a bad thing. Maybe if she threw up this conversation would stop.

Mercedes and Quinn exchanged a sad uncomfortable glance. "Yeah we were. How did you know?"

"Oh well Britt- Oh Kurt that was really hard." Rachel said. She rubbed her side.

"We just knew you guys are friends." Kurt said. He sent Rachel a little warning glance.

"_Were_ friends." Quinn corrected quickly. Sugar started tracing patterns in the carpet and Mercedes found something interesting about the corner of the coffee table.

Even Rachel noticed the sudden tension in the room. "I'm sorry." Rachel added. "I didn't know you guys were fighting."

"We just decided to distance ourselves from Santana." Quinn said. Brittany could swear she could hear the tiniest tingle of sadness and regret in her voice. "We didn't have the healthiest of friendships with her."

"Don't lie." Puck said. Brittany could hear the slur in his words. "You just broke up with her so you didn't have to buy the chick a birthday present. I do that all the time."

Brittany saw all three girls exchanged confused expressions.

"That's a really cold thing to do." Puck said. "When the chick's birthday is the same day as her brother died."

Quinn frowned and exchanged another look with Mercedes and Sugar.

"What are you talking about?" Quinn said. "Santana's birthday is in the summer. That's when we always celebrated it."

"But we practically had to force it out of her when she told us, remember?" Mercedes added.

"Yeah and we barely celebrated it then. She wouldn't even let us pay for dinner." Sugar added.

Quinn frowned. She looked back at Puck. "How do you know this anyway?" She asked.

"She told me. Last night." Puck said. He chugged the rest of his beer.

"Sounds like her." Quinn added.

"It's not like that." Puck sat up. "She was a mess. I found her walking in the snow. It was right around the block from here actually."

Brittany felt the pang in her chest again.

"And she was shivering and I think she was crying and she went on about how today was her birthday but it was the anniversary of her brother's death." Puck said.

Brittany felt like she was going to throw up for a whole different reason. Mercedes let out a little whimper.

"Was she okay?" Mercedes said.

"I don't know." Puck said. "She asked me to drop her off at that church place."

"Love Can Win?" Quinn said.

Puck shrugged.

"Why would Santana want to go there?" Mercedes said.

Brittany felt like she was listening to the rest of them talk through a bubble. Rachel and Kurt were weirdly silent as Mercedes, Sugar, Puck and Quinn exchanged questions and answers about Santana.

"Puck." Brittany sprung to her feet and reached out for Puck's arm. "Take me there."

"What?" Puck said. He stood up anyway.

"Take me to this Love Can Win place." Brittany said.

"Dude I'm in like no condition to drive."

"Fine I'll drive. You point." Brittany said as she dragged Puck towards the door.

* * *

><p>The mansion was massive. It was raised up on a hill and Brittany felt winded as she marched up the iced stairs with a drunk and stumbling Puck.<p>

It was a lot later than she thought it would be but she stepped in through the open front door to find a lady sitting behind one of those circle desks like they have in the hospital sometimes. She looked up at Brittany with a frown and then glanced over at Puck. Brittany watched as she picked up her phone and muttered something into the dial before she turned her attention back to Brittany.

"May I help you?" She said in a curt tone.

"I have a friend here." Brittany said. "I was wondering if I can see her?"

"I'm sorry but visits must be scheduled with Father Gerry." She spoke more into the piled of papers in front of her then at Brittany. "Some patients aren't ready to meet with their family and friends."

"But I have to talk to her." Brittany slammed her hands on the counter. She could feel Puck jump next to her. "I wasn't there for her. I didn't know. I just need to tell her that."

"I'm sorry but Santana Lopez only came in last night. She wouldn't be allowed visitors for at least another week." The women said.

"Just let me talk to her." Brittany felt Puck grab her arm as she stepped to move past the desk.

"Brittany." Puck said warningly

Brittany shook from Puck's grasp and bolted forward. "Santana!" She bellowed hoping to get her attention before she would get stopped but it was too late.

The lady behind the counter had reached out and grabbed her around the waist stopping her from moving. Brittany pushed out from under her grasp and fought against the arms around her waist pulling herself and the worker forward.

"SANTANA!" she screamed louder. She didn't know which room held Santana but she knew one of them had to and she knew she had to be able to hear her where ever she was.

Someone else had grabbed her around the waist and she turned to find a larger man in a dark polo and dress pants grabbing her.

"It's time for you to leave." He said as he dragged Brittany backwards.

"SANTANA!" Brittany bellowed again.

**/* Author's Note: Whew. This is the longest chapter yet. I had a few more things I wanted to put in here but I would have taken a little be longer to get out so I think this is good and I'll split up next chapter a little bit more. Thank you for all the Follows and Reviews. I've been getting a bunch more for some reason. No clue why but I love it! Foot's still very broken so expect more frequent updates for a while :). And check me out on tumblr: diablovixen(and usual tumblr link here) :)*/**


	13. Cilice

She couldn't see Brittany in the darkness but she didn't need to.

She could feel her there.

Some part of her body could just sense the way Brittany's golden hair trailed down her shoulders as she glided across the room. Only the feet of a trained dancer could avoid the creaky planks the way Brittany's did. She moved silent and ghost-like. If Santana hadn't been aware of her presence she probably wouldn't have even felt it when Brittany sat at the edge of the bed.

Santana longed to call out to her. She longed to tell Brittany all the things that she needed to say. She longed to mouth all the apologies that should be said and beg for the forgiveness she knew she didn't deserve. Before she can open her mouth, before she can form a sentence in her head, Brittany's mouth is on top of hers. Her kisses aren't hard or angry as Santana had imagined (and yes she has imagined them). There is softness in them. Brittany's lips are there and not there at the same time. Gentle and easy. Santana feels herself needing to concentrate just to feel the pressure but it's worth it.

Just for this.

Just for Brittany.

Brittany's lips are everything she remembered them to be and everything she's wanted. Soft but welcoming. Wet but warm. She doesn't get the feelings all at once but she gets bits like she's downloading parts and pieces of Brittany and storing them for later.

She wants to make the next move. She wants to touch Brittany and feel the warm skin beneath the white t-shirt Brittany wears but Brittany moves long before Santana can tell her body what she wants it to do. Brittany places her hand gently against the rough cotton of the Santana's nightgown. Santana half expects Brittany to make a cheeky comment or joke about it but she doesn't say anything instead she slowly moves her hand down the thin fabric. Santana can feel goose bumps rising along the skin that grazes against Brittany's fingertips. Brittany's body follows her hand. She slides her feather light kisses down Santana's neck as she grabs a handful of fabric at the hem of the gown. She pauses for a moment to place another soft kiss to Santana's lips before Santana can feel the cloth lifted up off her legs. The kisses trace back up and the fabric follows her movements. Brittany stops for just a second to trace a few kisses along Santana's jawline.

The gown is gone and laying in a clump on the floor before Santana can ever realize the kissing had stopped. She expects to feel cold and exposed but she feels nothing.

Brittany is there to keep her warm.

She lays underneath Brittany in nothing but her bra and panties and she's never felt so turned on in her life. Brittany lowers her mouth again, Santana can feel a warm breath against her neck. She feels herself release a moan as Brittany's teeth graze against the pulse in her neck.

She not sure she ever wanted something so badly.

Brittany's kisses are still barely there as her mouth moves down Santana's neck. She kisses just as slow as she does soft as she reaches around Santana's back and removes her bra in one quick almost unhuman motion. The bra joins the nightgown somewhere on the floor but Santana doesn't bother to look for it. Brittany makes slow work around Santana's chest, teasing around the spot Santana wants her so desperately to touch.

Santana is just about to beg her when Brittany's lips surround Santana's nipple in the most gentle of kisses. Santana feels a moan grit against the back of her throat. Her back arches instinctively against Brittany's mouth, keeping her mouth against her body but it does nothing to intensify the kisses. Brittany's touches are as soft as ever as she kisses her a few more times before she shifts to wrap her lips around her sensitive skin on the other side.

She feels the light pressure of Brittany's fingertips guiding her back down to the bed. Santana's body listens even though Brittany presses without much strength at all, her back falls back against the sheets. Brittany's tongue flicks gently against Santana's nipple sending her back arching again.

She continues her onslaught of feather-light kisses. It isn't long until Santana can feel the wetness pooling between her legs.

Her body throbs for release.

"Brittany." It's more of a breath than a word but she hopes Brittany can at least hear the desperation there.

Brittany can't seem to hear her as she continues her work and swallows her skin again but Santana can't bear to speak against the moans that escape her lips. Brittany finally seems to give in and traces slow kisses further down. Her lips barely brush again the skin of her stomach as Brittany moves at a painfully slow speed before her mouth stops at the top of Santana's panties.

Brittany kisses a few times there and Santana can't stop her hips from bucking upwards but still failing to increase the pressure of Brittany's lips. Brittany doesn't wait any longer seeming as impatient as Santana feels. Santana's panties are removed and discarded along with the rest of her clothes.

She watches the blonde hair dip lower and lower and her body shivers against the anticipation.

She wants this.

She wants her to do this.

"Oh Brittany." The words vibrate against her lips.

A gasp escaped Santana's lips as she pulled her eyes open. Santana lifted an arm across her eyes to shield herself from the harsh morning light.

She pressed her hand against the sheets, she had been expecting to find a beautiful blonde lying beside her.

Instead she found nothing.

She could have cried from the disappointment.

The only thing that was real was the way her body had reacted. She could still feel the craving in the pit of her stomach.

The crave for release.

The crave for Brittany.

She had to have time before breakfast.

She just needed a little time.

She bunched her nightgown at her stomach and dug her hand underneath her panties. She closed her eyes and brought back the image of the beautiful blonde on top of her. It wasn't her hand running up and down her bundle of nerves but the blonde's long and delicate fingers. She pictured Brittany's hair flowing down her back as her hand glided down Santana's bare stomach and the grunt that would escape her lips when Brittany finally pushed into her.

Santana felt her body writhe just from the thought. Her hips canted of their own accord as she climbed higher and higher closer to the release she so desperately needed.

"Brittany." It was a breath, a whisper, a plea.

"SANTANA!"

A bitter chill swept over her legs. She opened her eyes to find Nicole hovering over her with her blanket and sheets clutched in her hands.

She was caught.

She ripped her hands from her underwear and slid her nightgown back over her legs. She was on her feet before her mind could catch up to what was happening. She was pretty sure if it did she would vomit on the spot.

Nicole's mouth floundered open and closed. She seemed at a loss for words. "You are to clean yourself up." Nicole said. Her voice wavering with what had to be anger or shock, maybe a little bit of both. "You have ten minutes."

Nicole crossed her arms and Santana turned on her heels and headed to the bathroom.

She stepped out from the cold shower in eight minutes, too afraid to take her given ten. She stepped out in a fresh new sun dress and eyed the freshly made bed with a new blanket on top and Santana assumed a new set of sheets underneath. There was something else sitting on the bed that caught Santana's attention.

Nicole nodded over to the metal object on bed and ruined all hope Santana had that it had been some sort of mistake.

The cilice, as Santana had learned it was called, and its small metal barbs didn't look any less intimidating then did that night she found it stashed in the top drawer but now that she knew what it was for and that at some point she was eventually expected to use it she found it down right terrifying.

"You are struggling." Nicole said as Santana took a seat next to the device. "I think you'll benefit from it."

Santana lifted the cold metal up into her hands. .

"It will help." Nicole said. "I promise."

She sat down next to Santana and guided the skirt of her dress up to her thigh. Santana lifted her leg and watched as Nicole looped the cilice around Santana's leg and pulled it tighter against the skin. Santana reached down and closed the loop tighter just like a belt, just the way Nicole had shown her. She eased and fixed it onto the third loop. A position where she felt it would stay but the barbs didn't stick too far into her skin. Santana was relieved to realize that it felt cold more than anything.

"No." Nicole said. She reached across Santana and yanked the cilice tighter, closing on the fifth loop. Santana let out a grunt as the barbs pushed deeper against her skin. "Perfect." Nicole said. "That should help with any unchristian thoughts and any past or future unchristian actions." She smiled as she patted Santana on the back and stepped out of the room.

Santana stood and took a few steps towards the door. The barbs jabbed uncomfortably into her skin with each and every step. She took a deep breath and stepped out of her room.

Fuck if she was going to be beat by a stupid human choker collar.

* * *

><p>"I just don't understand why he's such a constant topic of conversation." Blaine said.<p>

Brittany tried to keep her focus on the packages of gummy bears she had just been looking at when the fighting first started.

"David is missing." Kurt said. "Don't you think that's a little bit important?"

Brittany glanced over at Kurt and saw that he had his hands stationed at his hips as he glared over at Blaine. Rachel was standing over Kurt's shoulder and Brittany could see the helpless look on her face. This had the makings of one of the usual Kurt and Blaine blowouts.

And there was no stopping a Kurt and Blaine blowout.

"Don't be ridiculous, Kurt." Blaine crossed his arms. "He's not missing!"

"I haven't seen him at Scandals in over a week and he's not answering his phone." Kurt said. "Those are pretty obvious signs of a missing person."

"Or he just doesn't want to talk to you." Blaine said.

"He always wants to talk to me." Kurt said.

Blaine threw his hands up in the air. "See that's what I'm talking about, Kurt." Blaine stepped away and turned into the other aisle. Kurt followed him as the pair disappeared out of sight.

"What should we do?" Rachel whispered.

Brittany shrugged as she pulled the package of gummy bears off the shelf. She just really wanted to get their candy and get to the movie theater before it started. Maybe it was because she was sick of Blaine and Kurt fighting or because she was still frustrated about being thrown out and consequently banned from the Love Can Win campus but she was just not in the mood for this right now.

"Maybe we should just leave them." Brittany suggested.

"No we can't." Rachel said. "We can't let them fight like this! What if they break up again?"

"Maybe they should." Brittany grumbled.

"You're just saying that because you're in a bad mood." Rachel said. She grabbed Brittany by the wrist and pulled her towards the next aisle where Kurt and Blaine were still arguing to the dismay of an old lady in the rice section.

"You care more about some _bartender_ then you do about your _boyfriend_." Blaine said.

"That's not true, Blaine." Kurt said. He folded his arms across his chest. "I've known David for a long time. He's a good friend."

"A good friend?" Blaine let out a huff of air. "He tortured you Kurt. You told me he threw rock salt at you."

"It was a long time ago. That was before he was-"

"It doesn't matter, Kurt." Blaine said.

"It does matter." Kurt said. "He's a different person now. And he's my friend and if you have a problem with that and if you don't trust me than maybe this isn't going to work."

Blaine shot his glance up at Kurt. "What?"

"I don't think this is going to work." Kurt said.

"You know what?" Blaine said. "Fine." Brittany watched as Blaine stomped past her and headed towards the door.

Rachel stepped forward and put a hand at the small of his back. "I'm sorry." She said.

"No." Kurt turned around and Brittany was surprised at how composed he seemed. "It's okay. I think it's for the best." Kurt let out a huff of air as he stared down at the empty spot where Blaine had been standing. "I mean, we fought all the time."

"You did." Rachel said.

"Let's load up on candy and go see this movie." Kurt said. He forced a smile and turned back towards the candy aisle. Brittany and Rachel turned to follow him.

"Where's my daughter?!" A woman's voice carried through from the front of the store. "Have you seen my daughter?!" She sounded frantic and terrified. Brittany felt herself inch towards the front of the store to see what the noise was all about. She didn't feel as guilty when she noticed Kurt and Rachel standing right beside her.

She saw the blur of a tanned skinned woman as she ran up to each cashier and grabbed him or her by the shoulders shaking as she asked the same question over and over.

"Have you seen my daughter?" The woman's voice cracked at the end.

A man in a gray suit stepped up to intercept the woman before she reached the last cashier.

"Ms. Lopez, your daughter isn't here." He said. "I'm sorry."

"I know. I know. I know." She said. "But have you seen her? Someone has had to have seen her. I lost her. I lost her and I lost my son but you can't find my son. You can find her. Can you help me find her?" She shook free from the manager's grasp and reached the next cashier.

"Have you seen my daughter?" She repeated. "Do you know where she is? Santana, her name's Santana."

Brittany felt Rachel's arm on her shoulder.

"Is that Santana's mom?" Rachel said. "She looks so different now."

"Someone get Sheriff Barber down here please. And see if you can get a hold of Dr. Lopez over at Lima Memorial." He glanced over at two cashiers who stood frozen in their spots. "Now."

The cashiers glanced at each other before they jumped out from behind their registers and sprinted towards the back of the store.

The manager grabbed Ms. Lopez by the shoulders and held her tighter this time as she tried to pull away. She tried to beat his arms with her fists but his grip was much firmer this time.

"I called someone to come help you. Just wait here okay." He tried to calm her down but she still fought against him. "Just wait." He pleaded.

Brittany took a few steps forward before she realized what she was doing.

"Ms. Lopez." Brittany said. "I know where your daughter is."

* * *

><p>The hours seemed to move slowly. Santana was pretty sure the metal digging into her leg had something to do with it. She looked up from her lunch and realized a particularly large broad shouldered figure was missing. She glanced up at the lunch line and back at the tables around her and still couldn't find David anywhere.<p>

She abandoned her half-eaten lunch and snuck out into the hallway. She could hear mumbling inside the room and pushed her way in without knocking.

She found David curled up in fetal position muttering something to himself. She inched herself closer and finally heard the words coming from David's mouth.

"I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay." He repeated the phrase over and over again like a chant. She looked over to see tears falling from his squeezed eyes.

She looked down and found his bed surround with magazine covers and advertisements obviously pulled from illegal "unchristian" magazines David or someone else much have snuck into the building. All of the advertisements where of men, some shirtless others in name brand t-shirts or jeans.

"David." Santana called. She placed an arm on his bicep. His wet eyes met hers. She saw the vulnerability in there for just a second before something caught fire inside them instead.

He ripped his arm away and shoved her back against the wall. The barbs in her thigh tightened in protest.

"Get out." He growled. He grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the door.

"David." Santana begged. She didn't know why she bothered, this wasn't the David she spoke to yesterday, he wasn't in there anymore.

They had broken him.

"Get out." He growled again. He pushed Santana through the door and slammed it shut behind him.

Santana took two steps before she was face-to-face with Father Gerry and his wide grin.

"Hello Santana." Father Gerry said. "Nicole told me you were having a rough start. I thought you would like to join me on a quick errand."

Santana was pretty sure she didn't have much of a choice in the manner. She smiled and nodded anyway.

"Great." Father Gerry said. "Right this way."

He led Santana down the slippery stairs, eyeing the limp in her step with a smirk as they made their way to the old black Cadillac. He pulled open the door and guided Santana into the front passenger seat.

They drove the entire way in silence listening to the same Christian talk show that had featured Father Gerry so many times.

He pulled into the parking lot of Arlene's Grocery and grumbled at the Sheriff's car parked at the front. He rolled down the window as he pulled up alongside the Sheriff.

"Howdy, Sheriff!" Father Gerry said. "Everything alright?"

"It is now." The Sheriff didn't look up from his paperwork as he spoke. "Just some crazy old bat causing a scene. It's all taken care of now."

"Excellent." Father Gerry said. "God Bless." He rolled up the window and pulled away.

She followed Father Gerry in step with her eyes trailed on the tile in front of her. She wasn't sure if the eye contact rule applied here as well. Father Gerry read from a small yellow list and inched his way up and down each aisle. She followed him in silence for a half hour before he sighed and turned to her.

"Divide and conquer?" He said. "Take half of these, Santana." He ripped the list in half and handed it to Santana. "Meet me up front in twenty. And don't forget the house rules." He turned and disappeared down the aisle before Santana could respond.

"Santana."

Santana jumped from the sound and barbs dug deeper into her thigh. She shifted her weight back to her unhindered leg and looked up at the man standing near the canned corn.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." The man said. He wore a black dress shirt and a pair of form fitting khakis but what really stood out where his shoes. The things were so damn shiny.

"Who are you?" Santana said.

"My name is Brian." He said. "I run the nondenominational Christian church down the road. I just noticed you with Father Gerry."

"You know Father Gerry?" Santana blurted out.

Brian let out a sigh. "Unfortunately I do. I just wanted to let you know. That you are very important to many people and loved by many more, no matter who you may or may not be." Brian said.

Santana scoffed.

Brian smiled at her in a knowing sort of way. "I know right now that's the last thing you'll believe, but I feel obligated to say it because in a few months or probably sooner you'll look back and go, hey Brian was totally right. And then you'll feel obligated to donate to my church and we could totally use the donations."

Santana couldn't hold back the laugh the pushed through her lips.

"Oh there it is." Brian said proudly.

"Brian."

Santana jumped as she felt Father Gerry standing above her. She quickly pulled her glanced away from Brian and focused on the tiles at his feet.

"You don't have to worry." Brian said with a new edge to his voice. "I don't have ridiculous rules about eye contact and speaking."

"Don't belittle my organization and my healing methods, Brian." Father Gerry said. Santana felt Father Gerry squeeze her shoulder.

"I'll belittle anything that brings unnecessary harm to anyone." Brian said.

"It helps more than it hurts." Father Gerry said.

"Say that to Kyle's family." Brian said. Santana felt Father Gerry's hand squeeze hard against her shoulder.

"That was just one." Father Gerry responded.

"That was a kid. That was a life. It wasn't just a number." Brian said. "When are you going to realize that?"

"We help people, Brian." Father Gerry said. "You'd have seen that if you just stuck around for a little while longer."

"You don't help." Brian said. "You confuse and you manipulate and you torture and they'll be more if you don't stop this."

"We're done." Father Gerry said. He pulled Santana back away from Brian.

"You know that medieval device is just a glorified version of self-harm." Brian said. He gestured towards Santana's thigh where the cilice lay hidden beneath a pile of bright fabric.

Father Gerry didn't respond as he pulled Santana out of the store by the arm. He left his half-filled basket at the front.

"I'll just have to run my errands later." He said as he started the Cadillac and pulled out of the parking lot.

* * *

><p>Brittany found Dr. Lopez extremely intimidating.<p>

So when he had finally arrived at the Grocery store and asked Brittany and her friends to guide him to the Love Can Win building she just nodded her head and followed him to his silver four-door. Brittany didn't know much about cars and makes and models but she knew she had expected a doctor to be driving a much nicer one.

Dr. Lopez grumbled something as he pulled open the door and Brittany followed Kurt and Rachel as they piled into the back. Ms. Lopez was still crying and muttering to herself in the front seat but not loud enough to disrupt the directions that Brittany was giving to Dr. Lopez. The drive was short, mainly because Dr. Lopez drove like a maniac, and the walk up to the front door of the Love Can Win campus was much shorter because Dr. Lopez had practically sprinted up the stairs.

Brittany froze at the door and glanced back at the car that Kurt, Rachel and Ms. Lopez were waiting behind in. Maybe she should have waited behind too.

"Are we supposed to knock or something?" Dr. Lopez said once he finally noticed Brittany's hesitation.

Brittany turned towards him and finally met his eyes. She saw pieces of Santana in them. His glare seemed to soften.

"No, I'm sorry." Brittany said. "They, sort of, banned me for causing a scene, late last night."

Dr. Lopez actually let out a laugh. "Well whatever scene you caused will be nothing compared to what I'm about to do."

He pushed the door open and marched straight up to the front desk. There was a new woman sitting there with short blonde hair and she held a wide smile as she eyed Brittany.

"Are you here to drop off your daughter, sir?" She said with a smile as she reached for her clipboard.

"No I am here to pick up my daughter. Santana Lopez." Dr. Lopez said.

The woman frowned as she turned and reached for a different clipboard.

"I'm sorry but there is no one scheduled for release today." The woman said. "There must be some mistake."

"There is no mistake!" Dr. Lopez spoke in a deep commanding voice,that Brittany was pretty sure, was used very effectively at his hospital. "This one is unscheduled and I'd like to take her home now."

The woman frowned and looked over yet another clipboard. "Santana Lopez is over the age of eighteen and is here of her own accord. "

"Don't give me all that bullshit!" Dr. Lopez said. "This is not a licensed medical facility, none of that patient confidentiality bullshit applies here. Just tell me where my daughter is and we'll be on our way."

"Santana is out for the day." Brittany looked up to see a dark haired woman step up to the front of the desk.

"When will she be back?" Dr. Lopez asked.

"I don't know." The woman responded.

Dr. Lopez frowned. "Then I'll wait for her."

"I'm sorry sir." The woman said. "This building is for patients and healers only. You'll have to schedule visiting hours and come back then or we'll have to call the police."

Brittany watched Dr. Lopez for a second as he looked like he was weighing his options. He sighed. "Fine when are the next visiting hours?"

"After dinner." She responded.

"I'll be here then." Dr. Lopez responded and he pushed out the door.

* * *

><p>Santana frowned as she stepped past the main desk of the lobby. Nicole eyed her intently and then gestured over at Father Gerry.<p>

"Can I speak to you for a moment, Father?" Nicole said.

Father Gerry nodded and gestured Santana back to her room.

She stopped in the hallway leading towards her room and looked back at David's shut door. She inched herself closer and knocked gently.

"David?" She called.

He didn't answer but she pushed the door open anyway.

She gasped instantly at the sight in front of her. David was hanging from the rafters held up by a belt looped tightly around his neck. She instinctively reached for his for his legs to alleviate the weight against his neck.

"Help." She gasped from the weight. She adjusted herself under David's weight and channeled all the power in her lungs and bellowed. "HELP!"

The footsteps were like music to hear ears as the door burst open and Nicole and Father Gerry filed into the room followed by two more healers.

"Call an ambulance!" Nicole bellowed to the room as they all worked to cut David down.

Nicole held her ear against his chest and the room went silence as she listened for any signs of life. "Call an Ambulance!" She repeated.

Santana felt her knees give out as she gasped for breath. She watched as they wriggled the belt from around his neck and she saw the dark brown bruise forming in the spot the belt had hung him.

The voices around her seemed like a blur as someone pulled her out of the way of the men with navy blue suits and a big orange box. Someone finally guided her to the couch of the common room before the room started spinning and her vision grew foggy around her. Her lungs contracted from the lack of oxygen and her brain was screaming at her to breath.

But it didn't listen.

The room went dark anyway.

**/***

**Author's Note:**

**I love you guys. I know this chapter is a little intense and I just want to you to know that I love you and if you ever need someone cool to talk to checkout out The It Gets Better Campaign and The Trevor Project or just hit up tumblr and find some other cool people like you or harass me or someone much smarter than me ;). Just remember for every Chick-Fil-A there are 900 Oreos .**

**Also I just wanted to continue to thank everyone who reads and reviews just wanted to let you guys know that I read every one of them and I love them I just wish I had to the time to respond to them all. My foot is still very broken and apparently it plans to stay that way for a long time. But my loss is your gain! I might actually find time to finish this story a lot sooner than I thought and maybe finish the 100 other things I've been meaning to do. **

***/**


	14. Losses and Finds

"That explains a lot don't you think?" Kurt said after he had swallowed a mouthful of his pasta.

Brittany looked up. "What explains a lot about what?" She asked.

"Santana." Kurt said. "I mean with a mom like that it kind of makes sense that she is- the way she is."

"Her mom wasn't ever like that." Brittany said. She wasn't sure if she was defending Santana or not but she felt like it was important to make sure everyone knew that Santana's mom wasn't evil or mean or horrible.

At least not all the time.

"Brittany's right." Rachel said. "I mean I only saw Santana's mom once or twice and she was never hysterical."

"But there had to be something wrong with her right?" Kurt said. "For her to act like that."

"I mean she did think Santana was missing but maybe." Rachel said. "That would explain why Santana never invited me over when we were little. I always just thought it was because she thought I was embarrassing or something."

"Do you think Dr. Lopez took her somewhere?" Kurt asked. "Like to a- a hospital or something."

"I hope so." Rachel said.

Brittany looked down at a phone that started vibrating on the table.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Kurt said as he checked his phone and frowned. "This is that guy from Scandals. He might know about David. I should take this."

Rachel turned to Brittany to continue the conversation. "Do you think that-" She began.

"What do you mean?" Kurt's frantic voice cut right through the conversation. "Well did he-why would he-will he-". Brittany looked up to see how flushed Kurt's cheeks were and there was obvious wetness already forming in his eyes.

Brittany exchanged a helpless look with Rachel as the pair watched Kurt continue to struggle to form sentences.

"I'll be right over." Kurt said. He lowered the phone slowly from his ear. He stared down at the table as he hugged the phone against his chest.

"Kurt?" Rachel asked. Rachel lowered her head to try to catch Kurt's eyes.

"It's David." Kurt said. "He-He tried to kill himself."

Rachel covered the gasp that escaped her mouth.

"Is-is he okay?" Brittany said past the lump in her throat.

"I-I don't know." Kurt buried his face in his hands.

Rachel reached into her purse and produced a fist full of twenties. She dropped them on the table.

"That should cover it." She said. "Let's get to the hospital."

Kurt nodded Brittany and Rachel hooked their arms around Kurt's as they led him out of the restaurant.

* * *

><p>"Did she take something?" Santana couldn't recognize the voice through the fog in her brain.<p>

"No, I think she's just freaked out or something." Another unrecognizable voice said. "She's the one who found him."

"Guys clear out of here! Back to your rooms! Now!" Even in the fog, Santana could hear Nicole's voice.

Her eyes flutter open and she saw Nicole leaning over her.

"Nice of you to join us." Nicole said.

Santana sat up a little too quickly and the room rushed around her. She pressed her palm against her forehead to stop the spinning.

"Easy." Nicole said. She placed a hand on Santana's shoulder to steady her.

"Where's David?" Her voice was hoarse.

Nicole frowned and looked down at the ground.

"Where is he?" Santana rose to her feet and searched the room. The paramedics were gone and darkness was already creeping through the windows.

How long had it been?

"He's at the hospital." Nicole said carefully.

"So he's okay then?" Santana said.

Nicole frowned. "We'll know more in a little while."

"No, he has to be okay! Dead people go to morgues." Santana said. She dug her feet into the carpet. "Live people go to hospitals."

Nicole took a few steps closer and placed her hand on Santana's arm. "Things are a little more complicated than that Santana. David's brain- it didn't get the oxygen it needed. Even if the doctors can get him breathing on his own-" Nicole cleared her throat. "He's lucky. We're all lucky that you found him when you did." Nicole flashed a reassuring smile that Santana didn't return.

"Dinner just started. Did you want to head down to the cafeteria?" Nicole asked.

Santana shook her head and headed towards her room. She was happy when Nicole didn't stop her.

She sprawled out on her bed before she remembered that she was still wearing her cilice. Even though she had been asleep for several hours she didn't have the energy to take it off.

She preferred the pain in her leg over the thoughts in her head.

* * *

><p>He signaled to Brittany and Rachel as he snuck past the unguarded nurse's station. They followed closely behind as Kurt peaked though the viewing windows to try in find the hospital bed that David occupied.<p>

"Wouldn't it be easier to just ask which room he's in?" Rachel said. "This is the third floor we've checked."

"No, because they'll give us that nonsense about family only- blah blah blah." Kurt said. He sighed when he peaked in the next window and didn't see David inside. "This way if they bust us we can just say we had no idea. And then you can do that crying thing you always do Rachel."

Brittany shrugged at the distraught look on Rachel's face. His plan made sense, kinda.

The ghost of a smile crossed Kurt's lips. "He's here." Kurt said. He pushed opened the door.

"Kurt!." Rachel said. "You can't just go in."

"I have to see him." Kurt said.

"But you're not supposed to." Rachel searched the hallways around her. Brittany wasn't sure if she was checking to see if the coast was clear or praying for a nurse to come by and stop them.

"You can wait outside if you want." Kurt said.

He stepped into the room. Brittany followed him inside and Rachel, with a sigh, followed too. She slowly closed the door behind them.

Brittany looked down at David. He looked nothing like that burly bartender that always handed her a vodka tonic with a smile on his face. He looked nothing like the guy that visibly blushed when the Drag Queens kissed him on the cheek and squeezed his biceps.

His eyes were closed and face was ghastly shade of white. There were tubes connected all over his body and it seemed like a hundred different machines were beeping at a hundred different beats. But Brittany knew that this messy music meant life. As long at those things made some sort of rhythm then it meant that David was okay.

It had to.

Kurt stepped closer to the bed and wrapped his fingers around David's limp hand.

Brittany's eyes traced down David's face to the purpling skin of his neck, she didn't have to think too hard to figure out what David had tried to do.

"David, what were you thinking?" Kurt said more to himself than to the motionless body on the bed.

Brittany felt a tear drift freely down her cheek. She glanced over to Rachel who had found a tissue and was dabbing it to each of her eyes.

"He'll be okay right?" Kurt asked without turning around. "He just has to wake up. Once his body is strong again, he'll just wake up and he'll be fine."

Brittany felt herself nodding. She couldn't find a hole in Kurt's logic.

She didn't want to.

The door burst open. Brittany and Rachel cleared a path for the body that brushed past them. The figure stopped at the foot of the bed. Kurt retracted his hand and paced backwards a few steps.

Brittany had expected the figure to be a nurse or doctor budging in to tell them how many rules they had broken.

But what happened instead was much worse.

"Son." The voice was cracked and broken. Just the sound of it caused tears to flow freely down Brittany's cheeks. She heard a small sob escape from Rachel.

Kurt took a few more steps back. Brittany could feel Kurt's arm brush against hers. She instantly tangled their fingers together.

She needed to hold onto something. She hoped Kurt did too

"I'm so sorry son." The man rounded the bed and collapsed on David's chest. Brittany watched as his chest rose and fell with sobs.

Brittany has never wanted to leave and stay in a room so much in her life. The pain, even if it wasn't her own, was almost unbearable to watch and be a part of but she couldn't leave him here. Even if he was too distraught to notice whether they stayed or went. She couldn't help thinking that maybe he would need something silly like ice chips or a coffee and Brittany could get that for him. If they could do something to make this sobbing man even the tiniest less miserable, they would do it.

After what felt like hours the man lifted his head and locked eyes with Kurt. "I was stupid. This whole thing was stupid. He was happy before, wasn't he?" He said. Kurt gave him the subtlest of nods. "I rather have a gay son than a dead son." He said. He laid his head back on David's chest and Kurt held back a sob and covered his mouth.

It was in the moment that Brittany remembered the old David. In High school he was the big broad-shouldered football player that everyone had Karofsky. Brittany hadn't even known David's first name until they announced it at graduation. Brittany also remembered how he bullied the entire school but then, seemingly without reason, set his sights on glee club and Kurt in particular. She remembered how anyone who walked the halls of McKinley High School feared him even up until he left for his freshman year at Ohio State. And then the photo leaked of him with a "friend" at a gay bar and all of a sudden Karofsky's darkest secret was out. When Karofsky came back from college he was an entirely new person. He insisted everybody call him David and he was kind and gentle. He used his size to protect instead of harm and Brittany had never been so honored to call someone her friend.

But now he was lying there, motionless in a bed and she was afraid he'd never wake up.

She just wanted him to wake up and shine one of his goofy little grins.

The door burst open again and a doctor stepped into the room this time. He cleared his throat and the man wiped his eyes and strengthened his shoulders as he turned to face the doctor.

Brittany met those bright brown eyes again and flinched away from the glare.

"What are you doing in here?" Dr. Lopez said with the same commanding voice he had used this afternoon. "Can you please give Mr. Karofsky some privacy please?"

Brittany nodded and stepped past Dr. Lopez and out the door. Kurt and Rachel followed. Kurt stood near the viewing window until Dr. Lopez lowered the blinds.

Rachel guided them towards a vending machine that served disgusting coffee and lowered Kurt into one of the seats. So they sat. Brittany forced down sips of the mucky liquid just to give herself something ro do.

And they waited.

After about a half hour Dr. Lopez stepped out of the room and spotted them sitting at the end of the hall. Brittany rose to her feet as soon as he approached.

"You guys are friends of David too?" He asked.

They all nodded their heads. "We went to high school together." Rachel said.

"What happened?" Kurt asked without looking up from his seat.

"I can't say too much." Dr. Lopez said. "Just that he was at Love Can Win when it happened."

"We were just there." Kurt said. "You mean he could of – when we were just sitting outside." Kurt shook his head and buried his face in his hands.

Brittany reached over and put a hand on his shoulder.

"He's going to be okay though, right?" Rachel said.

"Things are looking better than when he first came in. Someone needs to keep an eye on him through the night. I have a favor to ask of you guys." He said.

Dr. Lopez turned to look at Rachel. "I know you and Santana are close." Brittany watched Rachel as she cleared her throat and sent pointed glanced over at Brittany. Dr. Lopez didn't take the hint. "And I don't know why she's at that place, that's really for her to tell me. But can you please help me get her out of there?"

Rachel's mouth floundered and Brittany spoke instead. "What do you want us to do?"

Dr. Lopez smiled and Brittany met those warm brown eyes all she saw was Santana in them. "Kidnap her, burn that place down, sneak through the window, I don't care just get her out of there please."

Brittany smiled. "We're on it."

Dr. Lopez nodded at her then at Rachel before he stepped away.

Brittany reached into her pocked and pulled out her phone.

"Who are you calling?" She asked.

Brittany found the name and hit send. "For sneaking into a window? Who do you think?"

Rachel gave her a knowing smile.

"Puck."

* * *

><p>She knew it was getting late. She could tell that just by watching the blackness start to slowly creep across the wall. She wasn't sure how long she had been laying there but it was long enough to play through the scene in David's bedroom at least a hundred times.<p>

Each time seemed worse than the last.

She needed to get out of here. She threw what she needed into the Love Can Win string bag she was given and headed straight towards the front door. She wasn't sure what the rules were, there wasn't a formal agreement or any sheet Santana had signed so she was sure she could just walk out the door.

Right?

The nurse at the station frowned at her as she walked past but she didn't say anything. She was so close but then a voice stopped her.

"Late night stroll?" Nicole said.

Santana took in a lungful of air, arming herself to face Nicole.

"I know after everything that happened with David this is the last place you'd want to be." Nicole said. "But you need to stay here. _Especially _after David. You need to be strong and you can't do it on your own."

Santana rolled her eyes and turned back towards the door.

"You have a rocky relationship with at least one parent." Nicole said. Santana froze just as she was reaching for door knob. "I'm guessing both."

Santana kept her back to Nicole but she felt her step closer.

"You were hurt by one. But I bet betrayed is a better word for it." Nicole said. "It hurt so badly that you probably thought you'd never come back from it."

Santana felt her hands shaking. She drew it back from the door before Nicole could see.

"We'll be here and we'll support you and make you the person God created you to be." Nicole said. "You don't have to be alone in this world, Santana. But if you step outside into the lonely, scary world without a family to support you, Well- I don't want to tell you what could happen. But if you wait. If you give yourself a chance to embrace the Love Can Win family I promise you that you won't forget it and you won't be forgotten and you'll never feel lost again."

Santana stared down at the door knob. She was so close. She could leave right now and never come back.

But where would she go.

"Don't let yourself be alone." Nicole said. She placed her hand on Santana's shoulder. Her body eased into the touch.

Santana turned to face Nicole.

"Do you want to stay?" Nicole said.

Santana nodded. She didn't want to stay but she didn't have anywhere else to go.

"Why don't you go back to your room and get ready for bed?" Nicole said.

Santana nodded and let Nicole lead her back towards her bedroom. Nicole pushed open the door and guided her into the room.

"Now after today make sure you only wear the cilice for only two or three hours a day, okay?" Nicole said.

Santana nodded.

"Keep it on until you go to bed tonight, though." Nicole added. "I think having it on an entire waking day is really cleansing, don't you?"

Nicole stepped out and closed the door before Santana could respond.

Santana sat on the bed and buried her face in her hands.

* * *

><p>"So let me get this straight?" Puck said as the pulled onto the long narrow road that lead to the Love Can Win campus. "You called me, so I can drive you back to this place that threatened to call the police on us just yesterday?"<p>

Brittany nodded. "You didn't have to come if you didn't want to."

"Oh, I totally wanted to come." Puck said. "I just think I'm rubbing off on you in all the wrong ways." Puck added with a shrug. "Or right ways depending on who you ask."

"Are you hitting on me?" Brittany said.

"Fish gotta eat, birds gotta swim." Puck said. He looked up into Brittany's eyes and frowned. "Or something." He killed the lights and drove slower in the darkness. He stopped the truck at the edge of a hill. If they kept driving they would pull up to the driveway and attract way too much attention. Brittany looked up at the dozens of windows around the building.

One of them had Santana.

"How do you know which one is hers?" Puck asked as he shifted the truck into park.

"I'm guessing it's one of these because they're furthest from the lobby." Brittany said. She looked up at the steep hill that stood in her way. It was going to be a rough climb. "I figured I'd start here."

"Wish me luck." Brittany said. She pushed open the door and stepped out but Puck grabbed her wrist.

"Wait, I'm not invited?" He asked.

"You're driving the getaway car." Brittany said. "The getaway driver doesn't leave the car that's like the first rule of fight club." She added.

Puck rolled his eyes but released his grip on her arm. "Fine, just be quick and take care of yourself."

"Like a bunny with fangs." Brittany added before she eased the door shut behind her.

It took her a half hour to climb the steep hill, she slipped a few times on some icy rocks but managed to regain her balance by grabbing a tree next to her. She made sure to turn back to the pickup and flash a smile for Puck's benefit. When she finally reached the top she turned around and gave him two thumbs up.

Brittany started peering in the first couple windows. She found a sleeping older blonde lady in the first window and was nearly caught by a man who looked like he had been praying in the second one.

Then there she was.

Santana was sitting on the bed with her back to the window. Brittany knocked so hard she thought she almost broke her hand.

Or the window.

Or the building.

Santana jumped off the bed and turned towards her. Brittany could see her glassy eyes even through the dark window. Santana had been crying. It made her heart sink into the pit of her stomach. But she was going to make it stop.

She would do anything to make it stop.

She watched Santana draw a breath as she inched closer to the window. She opened all the way and stuck her head out into the bitter cold.

"What are you doing?" Santana said. Brittany could hear the edge in her voice, disbelief mixed with confusion.

"I'm here to rescue you." Brittany deadpanned. She held her hand out for Santana to take. "Come on."

Santana stood up from the window and turned around, she took a few steps back towards the bed. Brittany pulled herself up into the window with the help from a leg up onto a conveniently placed stone and her dancer's legs. She landed, not very gracefully, on the floor with a loud thud.

"You want to stay?" Brittany asked. She slowly rose to her feet and tried to hide the pain in her voice.

Santana didn't look up from the floor at Brittany's feet as she spoke. "I have nowhere to go. My mom kicked me out and if mi abuela found out about here, if she doesn't know already, she's going to- she would-"

"Stay with me." Brittany said.

Santana met Brittany's eyes.

"I mean you don't have to if you don't want to but until you figure something else out you can stay. It'll be fun like a prolonged sleepover. I mean I have an open couch, well I would if Lord Tubbington didn't always sleep on it."

Santana raised an eyebrow. "Lord Tubbington?"

"My cat." Brittany offered. "But he has a cat bed so he doesn't really need it he's just selfish. And I can just take the couch, you can have the bed." Brittany finally stopped talking to take in some much needed air into her lungs.

Santana let a smile sneak out her lips before it faded. She looked up at Brittany seriously again. "You would just let me stay with you." Santana said. "Even after- everything?" Santana said.

Brittany nodded. She opened her mouth to respond but a pounding on the door took the place of her voice.

"Santana? Is everything okay in there?" A voice called through the thin wood. Santana froze. Brittany watched as Santana's eyes flickered between her own and the door.

Brittany knew she needed more time.

Brittany grabbed a chair from the desk and stuck it behind the door knob using a little trick Puck had taught her.

"Santana?" The voice tried to push open the door but the chair stopped it.

"So do you want to come with me?" Brittany spoke just above a whisper. She stepped to the open window and held out her hand. Santana nodded. She reached out for Brittany's hand as she stepped forward but she stop and turned towards the bathroom.

"Britt, I just need to take off-"

A body slammed against the door, the chair skidded across the floor as the door edged open. Brittany grabbed Santana's wrist and pulled her towards the windows.

She wasn't going to let them take her back not when she was so close to having her.

"Let's go!" Brittany hopped out of the window. She turned towards Santana and practically pulled her out and over the ledge.

Santana let out a little grunt as her feet hit the ground.

"Are you okay?" Brittany reached for Santana's arm to help her to her feet.

Santana took in a heavy breath. "Yeah. Let's just get out of here."

"Santana!" A voice called through the window. Santana pushed Brittany away from the window and let her guide them to the slope that led towards Puck's car.

They stood at the edge and Santana gulped down a breath. Brittany turned towards Santana's window and was relieved to see that they weren't followed. She gestured towards the slope and then looked back at the shivering Santana who stood in nothing but her sneakers and a thin dress that stopped just above her ankles. Brittany took off her jacked and wrapped it around Santana. Santana smiled appreciatively as she zipped up the fabric.

"Thanks." The words were barely loud enough for Brittany to hear.

"It's not that bad." Brittany promised.

She took a step down the slope and reached back for Santana's hand. She could see Santana smile back at her through the darkness and she took hold of Brittany's hand. They kept their hands entwined as Brittany helped slowly guide Santana slowly down the hill. They hadn't made it three steps when they heard someone call Santana's name.

Santana's whole body jumped. Santana's hand shook in Brittany's and her footing slipped a little in the snow.

Brittany whispered words of encouragement to her as she eased Santana into the next step. "They're far away." Brittany said.

Santana nodded and continued her steps.

Santana's movements were much slower, her knees were shaking making it impossible for her to plant her feet into her next move. Brittany barely managed the steps with confident legs. It would be faster to go back to the building then to continue towards the truck and even though the voices that called Santana's name edged closer Brittany began to wonder if it was better to go back up and find another way to Puck.

"Santana, maybe we should go back." Brittany whispered.

Santana didn't look up as she went to plant her next step. "No." She said sternly. "I-if I go back… i-if they-they'll-they'll convince me."

"Santana!" The voice boomed from just above their heads. Brittany brought her glance up to see the figure at the top of the slope.

And then it happened.

It was just a single misstep. A single flinch at just the right second and Santana lost her grip on Brittany's hand and her balance at the same time. She was tumbling before Brittany could even think to react.

Someone screamed Santana's name again, Brittany realized the scream had come from her mouth. She watched in horror as Santana tumbled down the slope. Santana was moving too fast and Brittany was helpless to stop it. She could only just watch.

There was the sound of metal smashing wood .

The sound of Santana's scream.

Then deafening silence as Santana's body crumbled against the side of a tree.

Brittany didn't know how she made it down so fast without falling herself. But she was sprinting off towards Santana and crouching down next to her before Puck had even stepped out of the truck.

"I'm okay." Santana gasped as both Puck and Brittany were now helping her to her feet. "I just hit-I just hit – I'm okay."

She went to stand on her own but her leg gave out and she collapsed against Puck.

"Santana?" Brittany cried out.

"You're okay." Puck said as Brittany and he guided her towards the truck. "You just banged yourself pretty hard there. You'll probably have a nice welt on your thigh."

Puck and Brittany had to practically carry Santana to the truck. Before Brittany hopped in next to Santana she glanced up at the small group gathered at the hill. She couldn't make out faces or expressions she only saw bodies but she knew they were they and that they weren't doing anything to help Santana.

At least they weren't trying to stop her.

"Are you okay?" Brittany asked.

Brittany could tell Santana was forcing a smile through her gritted teeth.

"I'm fine." She said.

Puck pulled up in front of Brittany's apartment and helped ease Santana out of the truck. He looped Santana's arm around his shoulder and guided her up the walkway. Puck froze his steps and glanced down at his feet and then back towards the truck. Brittany followed his eyes.

There was blood.

Puck scooped Santana up in his arms and carried her the rest of the way. She fell weakly against him. She was too tired to hide the pain now and Brittany watched as her face contorted with the bounce in every step Puck took.

She was hurt.

She was hurt bad.

"Where should I put her?" Puck grunted once Brittany pulled open the door.

"My bedroom." Brittany said. She stepped into the room and flicked on the light for Puck. Santana let out a gasp as Puck lowered her down to the bed. She wrapped her fingers around her leg. Brittany could see the spots of red against the bright patterns of Santana's dress.

"Sorry." He said. He stepped away gingerly. He threw Brittany a glance. She pulled a towel from behind her chair and slowly inched her way to sit next to Santana.

She watched as Santana's eyes fell on hers. They fluttered in slow beats and she was breathing deep breaths.

"I'm fine." Santana said.

"I know you are." Brittany said. They both knew it was a lie there was no point in arguing. She smiled at Santana anyway. "Let me just take a look." She inched the hem of Santana's dress slowly. Brittany already saw the steaks of red growing as she moved further and further up.

Santana grabbed her wrist to stop her. "Please don't." Santana said. She was begging, that alone made Brittany want to stop. But she wouldn't give in this time.

She couldn't.

"Santana, you're bleeding, please." Brittany pleaded.

Santana didn't say anything but her grip loosened and Brittany brought the dress up further towards Santana's thigh.

And then she saw it.

* * *

><p>Santana followed Brittany's eyes to the jagged metal that was now embedded into her thigh. It was covered in red and skin. Brittany ghosted her fingers over the metal as if searching for a safe place to touch.<p>

She never found anywhere.

"Did you roll over barbed wire?" Puck asked. He stepped closer to the bed and eyed the metal with his brow furrowed.

She didn't answer and Puck stepped in even closer. Santana shifted her weight trying to block her thigh from everybody's view. The longer they looked the more they would ask. The more they would find out. Brittany didn't let the fabric fall.

There was nowhere to hide.

Brittany looked up from the metal and set her eyes on Santana's. "Did they put that on you?"

Santana felt her eyes widen she shifted her glaze away from Brittany's searching eyes. If she didn't look at her maybe she wouldn't figure it out.

"What?" Puck said. He rounded the bed with heavy angry steps. "Let's get that fucking thing off you then." He reached down at Santana's leg and she instantly recoiled. She knew it had to come off and she wanted it to but the thought of the pain…

"Wait." Brittany stood up and placed the palm of her hand against Puck's chest. "Can I talk to you outside for a second?"

Santana watched at Puck's eyes glared down at Santana's thigh before he stepped away from Brittany and towards the door.

Brittany followed Puck out and shut the door behind them. Santana was left with nothing to distract her but the throbbing in her leg. She took in deep breaths to steady the nausea that settled in the pit of her stomach. She just wanted it to stop. She just wanted this night to be over. She just wanted to stop making bad decisions. She laid her head back against the pillow and pinched bridge of her nose but that did nothing to stop the pained tears rolling down her cheeks.

She just wanted something else to think about but the pain.

The door creaked open and Santana sat so fast her thigh felt like it was being ripped again. Brittany had returned with a cup of water and minus a Puck.

Brittany sat down slowly next to Santana on the bed. Santana took the water with a quiet thanks and took a healthy sip.

"Puck went to get a couple of things." Brittany spoke into the silence. She looked up into Santana's face. "When he gets back we're going to take that thing off."

She didn't think she could process a thought fast enough to decide if it was a good or bad idea to wait. So she just nodded.

Some water splashed over the rim of the cup and fell into her lap.

She hadn't even realized that her hands had been shaking. Brittany smiled weakly at her before she reached over and took the cup from her. Brittany placed it on the night table next to her and turned back to her.

"How much does it hurt?" Brittany asked. Santana traced her eyes to the place on her thigh where she knew the cilice still laid buried into her skin.

"Not at all." The words fell out of Santana's mouth way too automatically. Brittany let out a sigh but she entangled her fingers with Santana's anyway.

"Well if it does hurt, you can just squeeze my hand." Brittany's eyes searched every inch of Santana's face and in that instant Santana felt like Brittany knew everything Santana was too afraid to say. "And you can squeeze as hard as you want."

"What if I hurt you?" Santana said.

Brittany actually let out a little laugh. "You can't hurt me. Because-" Brittany lifted up her free arm and flexed, showing off a pretty impressive bicep. "I'm way stronger than you."

Santana might have thought she was right but she would never admit that. Santana lets out a throaty laugh in response. "There's no way you're stronger than me."

"I totally am." Brittany responded. "You're like super tiny. I bet I could totally carry you."

Brittany searched her eyes for a second before she lets at a laugh at what Santana sure was a scowl coming across her face. Santana adjusted her body on the bed getting too lost in Brittany to remember why she shouldn't move like that. It twisted and pulled. Her head fell back as she failed to contain the gasp the escaped her throat.

"Santana!" Brittany jumped to her knees on the bed. When she peaked opened her eyes she didn't even realize she closed she saw Brittany hovering over her, her hands hovered over Santana's body like she was afraid to touch her anywhere.

"Are you okay?" Brittany asked as she reached for her hand again.

"Totally." Santana said. She doesn't know why she keeps thinking Brittany is going to buy her lies but she keeps feeding her them anyway. "Just a cramp."

She watched as Brittany's shoulders fell and she leaned back against the headboard.

"Why do you keep doing that?" Brittany said.

_Because I'm afraid. _

Santana played with Brittany's fingers in her lap. She could just say it. She could just be honest but everything in her was telling her to stop. To not get comfortable with the truth because lying is always so much easier. The truth never stopped them from leaving anyway. But when she looked up into those beautiful blue eyes she could feel her guard slipping and the words threatening at the tip of her tongue.

She heard the creak of the front door as it opened and Puck's voice bellowed through the apartment.

"I'm back." Puck called.

"Bring him in here." Brittany called

"Him?" Santana looked over at Brittany but she avoided her eyes. She stood and ushered Puck and his guest into the room.

As soon as she saw the familiar yet so unfamiliar face she was on her feet. She had to bite the inside of her mouth to ignore the almost unbearable pain that screamed from her thigh and the fresh blood as it poured down her leg. She pushed past them towards the bedroom door.

She played through the scenarios of where she could go when she pulled open that door but she came up with nothing. She had nowhere to go but she knows that anywhere but with him is perfect. Before she could make her escape it's Puck that reached her first and he pulled her at her wrist and before she could reach out for the handle.

"You can't be serious right now." Puck practically growled at her as she tried to pull from his grip.

Santana starts to feel the familiar tightening in her chest and it just made it all worse. It can't happen now. Not in front of _him. _He's a fucking doctor. He'll know.

"Let me go." She reached out to shove Puck but he tangled his arms in hers. He twisted his body around her and held her in a grip that's a mix between a suffocating hug and a headlock.

She can't move.

"You're bleeding." He said. She looked down at the small pool of blood that gathered where she stood.

She relaxed for a second until she met her father's concerned eyes and it set off a fury in her.

Like he had any right to be fucking concerned.

She fights against Puck and metal digs deeper and deeper until she's grunting and screaming both from the pain and the frustration.

"You won't fucking touch me. Fuck you." The words come out more in grunts then in her own voice. She fights against Puck and the suffocating pressure against her chest.

"You can't just fucking show up." Santana gasps out the words as Puck's strength and weight overpower her. She's knew she lost the moment Puck gained momentum towards the bed.

She still had some fight when Puck threw her back down on the bed but as soon as she met Brittany's tearful eyes her energy drained from her body.

Her arms and legs stopped the fighting but her lungs still resist their normal function. She saw the knowing look on her father's face and gasped in another half breath.

He knows.

It only makes it worse as she tries to heave in air into her lungs. Puck jumped back like he thought he had burned her. She attempts to breathe and closes her eyes as if that would help.

_He's not here. He's not here. He's not here._

She repeats the words over and over in her head but it does nothing to help.

She feels something soft and wet on her head. Someone's fingers tangle in her own and just by the way her body instantly responds and relaxes she knows its Brittany's lips against her.

* * *

><p>Brittany kept her lips planted against Santana's forehead until she felt Santana's breathing completely settle. She pulled back and saw the back of Santana's eyelids. Santana's face tightened as did her grip around Brittany's hand but Brittany knows she's ready. She nods over to Dr. Lopez who swallows as he gingerly steps over to Santana's side.<p>

Dr. Lopez's eyes are soft and wet as he peels up the cloth. He stops every couple of inches to study his daughter's face and only continues until her face releases from each grimace. Brittany watched the way his whole body froze when he reached the metal embedded into Santana's skin.

It's worse now.

The redness on her legs and the blood stains on the floor in the hallway are evident to that. The metal before had spots of silver before but now it's completely coated in a paint of blood. Brittany watched as Dr. Lopez pulled his glance away from the metal just for a second as he took in a breath to steady himself.

He looked around the room to see if anyone had noticed. Brittany looked away before she could meet his stern eyes.

"What is it?" Puck asked as he stepped forward behind Dr. Lopez's shoulder.

"It's a cilice." He said through gritted teeth. He doesn't look up at Puck as he turned to grab instruments from a bag Brittany didn't even realize he had placed on the floor. Brittany watched the way his hands shook as placed items on the desk in front of him. He shook so much that he nearly spilled the bottle of alcohol he prepared before he settled it down on the table.

"A cilice?" Puck asked.

She watched how Dr. Lopez folded the fabric back high enough to give himself room to work but low enough to hide his daughter's undergarments from view. He shot Puck a glance as he did this.

"Some people use it for atonement and repentance." Dr. Lopez spoke as he inspected the metal further. He lowered his body to inspect the sides of it. Brittany glanced over just to make sure Santana's eyes were still closed.

They were fluttering, in danger of pulling open at any second. Brittany leaned over and placed another kiss to Santana's forehead. She pulled her lips away when she finally felt the muscles in Santana's face ease. Brittany met Dr. Lopez's eyes. His face twitched before his stern face returned as he continued his work.

"So they were torturing her." Puck said.

Brittany watched as Puck balled his hands into a fist at his side. She was pretty sure he would have punched Father Gerry if he was standing anywhere accessible at the moment.

"No." Dr. Lopez said. "It's not effective unless it's willingly worn."

Brittany met Puck's wide eyes. Dr. Lopez stepped closer towards Santana. She was taking slow heavy breaths.

"Does it clip on like a tie or tighten like a belt?" Dr. Lopez whispered.

Santana didn't answer at first but Brittany could feel her fingers tighten around her own.

"Like a belt." Santana breathed out. She kept her eyes closed and Brittany squeezed her hand.

Dr. Lopez leaned back and ran his hands through his short hair. He mumbled something that Brittany didn't understand but she was pretty sure it was in Spanish and it was probably a curse.

He took in a breath and looked over at his daughter. "This is going to hurt. We should take you to the hospital to take it off. You can have pain medication there."

Santana's eyes popped open and she rose to a sitting position. "Just take the fucking thing off."

"Santana." Dr. Lopez said. The sternness in his voice was returning. "I have to pull it tighter just to unbuckle it." He said. "It's going to hurt."

"It hurts now. Just take it off now."

"Santana I really think-"

"Dad, Please."

He froze at her words and looked into her eyes. They locked for a moment before he sighed in defeat. "Fine. Lay back." He grabbed a pair of gloves from his back and slipped them over his hand.

Brittany guided Santana back towards the bed. She ran her fingers through Santana's hair and watched as her eyes locked on hers before they closed shut again.

"Ready?" Dr. Lopez asked.

Santana swallowed. Brittany watched her fingers go white and Santana squeezed against her fingers before she nodded.

The scream that echoed through Santana's throat was the worst sound Brittany had probably ever heard.

And it wasn't stopping.

She heard the grunts of Dr. Lopez as he pulled the device tighter and tighter against Santana's leg.

Santana's body writhed in response. She turned her head into Brittany's lap and grabbed at the fabric of her t-shirt with her free hand as another scream wretched through her body..

Why wasn't it stopping?

Brittany leaned over and whispered assurances into her ear. She wasn't sure Santana could hear her "you're almost theres" and her "you're so strongs" over her own screaming.

Then it stopped.

Santana gasped and panted. Her grip loosened on Brittany's shirt but she didn't let go.

Brittany whispered how good she did as she ran her fingers through her hair.

Dr. Lopez yelled this time. Another word Brittany didn't know and another word that probably wasn't allowed to taught in her eight grade Spanish class. She saw the redness coating his gloves and his hands were shaking even worse than before. He wiped the back of his wrist against his cheek and Brittany saw that he was crying.

"Dr. Lopez." Puck placed a hand on his shoulder. "Just tell me what to do. I can get it off." Dr. Lopez hesitated for a second before he stepped back and handed Puck a pair of white gloves.

"It's got a little prong like a belt." Dr. Lopez said his voice was choppy and frantic. He turned his face away from Puck and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve again. "You need to pull it tighter before you can unhinge it."

Puck nodded. He took a deep breath and glanced over at Brittany. She nodded in response.

"Okay Santana." He slowly lowered himself. "On the count of three." He prepared his hands around the edges of the device. "One-"

Santana's screamed just for a second this time as Puck's fingers pulled at the cilice. Santana's gripped completely loosened against Brittany's hand. The hand grabbing the fabric fell into Brittany's lap and Santana's body went limp.

"Santana?" Brittany said. She tried to shake her awake but her body just hung.

"She's fine." Dr. Lopez said as he took a step forward. "She just passed out. It's better actually." Dr. Lopez nodded at Puck.

Brittany buried her face into Santana's hair. She closed her eyes and tried to drown out the sounds of metal scraping and skin tearing as they worked.

"It'll all be over soon." She whispered as she placed a kiss against Santana's hair. "It'll be over and you'll be just fine."

She closed her eyes and buried her face into Santana's hair as she tried to block out the gut wrenching sounds.

**/*Author's Note: Hope you guys enjoy read, review but most importantly I hoped you enjoy. Love your reviews and getting your feedback. Some of you were saying the angst was killing you so I thought I'd make this chapter extra long so I could fit some more content in. Still song angsty stuff in here and the future but there's hope right? */**


	15. Recovery

**/*****Author's Note: The response to Last Chapter was so intense. I love you guys for reading my story and getting so into it. You can thank my broken foot for these regular Sunday updates. They'll probably be a thing for a little :). Enjoy!*****/**

Brittany set the steaming cup of hot chocolate in front of Dr. Lopez. She sat down at the kitchen table and wrapped her hands around her own cup.

Rachel had always scolded her for not having coffee or tea. "House guest don't always want hot chocolate, Brittany." She would say with her hands on her hips but Brittany thought it was silly to buy something that was just going to sit in her cupboard. People would rather fresh hot chocolate over stale tea anyway.

Now she kind of wished she had listened to Rachel.

Dr. Lopez stared down at the swirling liquid in his cup.

"I'm sorry." Brittany said for what had to be the hundredth time. "It's just I-"

"Don't drink coffee." Dr. Lopez repeated back to remind Brittany that she had already said that sentence a hundred times.

She gulped.

Brittany was surprised to see the warm smile on his face when he finally pulled his eyes away from the cup. It was so different from the stern look she had gotten so used to seeing. With every new expression he presented Brittany was starting to see more and more parts of Santana in him.

Or parts of him in Santana.

"Oh!" Brittany stood up and reached into the cupboard. "I have marshmallows." She pulled out a bag of miniature marshmallows and placed them in the middle of the table. She didn't want to just assume Dr. Lopez was a miniature marshmallows sort of guy, she turned back to the cabinet to grab a bag of jumbo marshmallows. Dr. Lopez raised an eyebrow at her and she searched her cabinets for something else to offer.

"Are you hungry?" Brittany frantically looked for something to serve alongside the hot chocolate. She didn't know anything else that could go with it besides marshmallows. "I can make something." She kicked herself again for not going grocery shopping this week. It didn't really matter though. She wasn't much of a cook anyway. "Or I can order something?" She looked back at Dr. Lopez and he still had a smile on his face and it was even more confusing. Brittany reached for the top of her fridge and pulled down a stack of menus.

"Brittany." Dr. Lopez called just as the stack of Brittany's menus tumbled to the ground and scattered on the floor.

Dr. Lopez stood to help but Brittany motioned to him.

"No!" Her voice was much louder then she wanted it to be, she glanced back at the closed bedroom door which hopefully was shielding Santana from the circus of noise that Brittany was making right now.

She turned to Dr. Lopez who was still standing. "I got them. It's okay. Please sit down." She said in a much lower voice. Dr. Lopez smirked before he eased back into his seat.

"We can order whatever." Brittany said. She glanced over at the clock and finally noticed how late it was, "Well except these places." Brittany started pulling menus from the stack and they fell to the floor again and Brittany crouched backed down to pick up the menus.

Brittany heard a chocking sound coming from above her. She looked up to see Dr. Lopez covering his mouth.

Was he laughing?

Brittany watched his struggle as his shoulders rose and fell. He was trying to contain his laughter.

He was totally laughing.

"I'm sorry. We don't need to order anything." He said. "I just-You're just-Meeting the parents is always nerve wracking. I understand I've totally been there. But you are like a jack rabbit right now…" Dr. Lopez said.

Brittany stood again and slowly started to place the menus back to their place on the fridge.

"How long have you and Santana been-" Dr. Lopez's voice trailed off. The seriousness in his tone of voice hung in the air. Something dropped to the pit of Brittany's stomach.

Should she be nervous?

She felt nervous.

Brittany almost dropped the stack of menus again, she brought them to her chest instead. "I-We aren't."

Dr. Lopez's eyes studied Brittany's face and she never felt so vulnerable before in her life she felt like Dr. Lopez eyes could see straight through her, like an x-ray machine. He could read every thought she ever had about Santana.

Oh, God!

Not every thought.

"But you want to be." Dr. Lopez said. It was a statement and not a question but Brittany nodded anyway.

"So what's stopping you?" Dr. Lopez said. The tone was gentle but held and edge to it that made Brittany thankful she was on Santana and Dr. Lopez's good side.

At least she was so fair.

"I -It's complicated." Brittany said.

"That she is." Dr. Lopez said.

Brittany turned around to see the sadness in his eyes that matched the sadness in his voice. He stared down at the cup in his hands.

"She has this whole life that I don't know anything about." Dr. Lopez's sadness hung in the air and made Brittany's heart pang against her chest. She took her seat across from him and watched as he spoke.

"She was always my little girl." Dr. Lopez said. "We did everything together. Her brother was the one who always got along with his mama. My family was so perfect but then everything fell apart. After D-" Dr. Lopez looked at Brittany with sad eyes "After D-" Dr. Lopez looked back down at the table. "After _he _died everything in the house got so- so- volatile. Santana was trying to be strong. She'll always try to be strong but she was too young. She was too young to deal with all that. I thought -." Brittany reached across the packages of marshmallows and grabbed Dr. Lopez's hand. "Parents are human. I know we have these people that need us and look up to use but we make mistakes. And I made the biggest mistake of my life. And I don't think I can ever fix it. "

"Dr. Lopez." Brittany couldn't mask the sadness in her voice. This man had been so powerful and so intimidating and he was just falling apart right in front of her.

And she didn't know what to do.

Dr. Lopez stood and wiped away any evidence of tears on his cheeks. "I should get back to the hospital." His stern voice returned to mask the sadness Brittany now knew was there. He headed towards the door. Brittany took a second to recover from the shock of the sudden change in the atmosphere of the room.

"Dr. Lopez." Brittany whipped around in her chair to face him.

Dr. Lopez didn't look up from the door. "I left you some bandages. You'll want to change it twice a day. And you're going to want her to take some ibuprofen for the pain. If there's redness or swelling or if she starts getting feverish you should bring her in right away."

Brittany nodded even though he wasn't even looking at her.

"Take care of her for me." Dr. Lopez shut the door behind him as he left.

* * *

><p>Santana's eyes fluttered open. She brought her hand to her face to shield it from the intruding sun.<p>

This was wrong.

The sun was shining through windows that were in the wrong place. The bed was too big, the pillows were too fluffy, the comforter was too soft, the room had too many colors. She sat up slowly, a sharp throb radiated up the through her leg.

Then she remembered

She checked for Brittany by her side but she already knew she wasn't there. The side of the bed was still made. She rose to her feet and took a step towards the door she let out a short whimper as the pain shot up her side. She looked up at the door again it now felt so much further away. She more dragged her foot then walked as she made her way across the floor.

She pulled open the door and stared out into the hallway.

_Thud, thud, thud._

The dull sounded echoed off the walls of the tiny hallway. Santana dragged her food a few more steps until she felt cold tile against the pads of her feet.

_Thud, thud, thud. _

She saw Brittany standing at the counter in the kitchen her hand was bouncing up and down and Santana realized the source of the sound.

_Thud, thud, thud. _

Brittany lifted up the cutting board and dropped an array of fresh vegetables into a large bowl. The bowl was already filled to the brim. Brittany must have been cutting for hours. Santana dragged herself a couple of more steps and turned to lean against the counter.

Her movement had frozen Brittany's. Santana watched her back rise and then slowly fall as Brittany released a large, steadying breath. After a few more deep breaths Brittany grabbed a yellow pepper that was sitting in the pile of vegetables.

She started slicing again. The thuds didn't seem to have the same enthusiasm as they did before. Santana watched Brittany for a while, she felt like she wasn't supposed to break the silence of Brittany's kitchen.

She didn't have very much to say anyway.

Santana's legs grew tired. She lifted her body to sit on top of the counter. Her leg smarted as the adjustment and she hissed between her teeth. She glanced up at Brittany who froze her movements again. She turned away from Santana and knelt towards the floor. Santana saw a pile of grocery bags she hadn't noticed before. Brittany rustled through the bags. She must have found what she was looking for because she stood up and grabbed a glass from the cupboard, she filled it with water and placed that along with a pill bottle next to Santana.

Brittany still hadn't looked Santana in the eye.

Santana inspected the bottle and smiled when she realized it was pain medication. She downed three pills without a second thought and looked back at Brittany who had turned back to chopping vegetables.

"Thanks." Santana whispered. Hoping her tone would change the dreary mood in the kitchen.

Brittany stopped chopping for a second. Santana had thought she was going to turn around or at least acknowledge Santana's thanks but she didn't. She went right back to cutting.

Santana lowered herself down from the counter and managed to keep in any acknowledgments of pain. She inched her way towards Brittany.

Santana took a painful step forward. "What are you mak-"

"Sit." Brittany pointed toward the counter top over her shoulder. Brittany's voice was harsh and authoritative but she still didn't turn around. Santana pushed her way back towards the counter and pulled herself up.

She looked up to the front door and then back to Brittany. Maybe Brittany needed some space. She looked back down at her fingers before she spoke.

"Do you want me to go?" Santana asked.

"No." Brittany's harsh tone softened into something else. She turned around and Santana could see the tears running down her face. There were red and puffy bags under her bloodshot eyes. It was obvious that Brittany hadn't slept all night but Santana wondered how much of it she spent crying. "No, I don't want you to go. You always _go_." She choked out the last word as she brought her hands to her eyes.

"Brittany." Santana limped over towards Brittany but she turned away.

"No." Brittany pulled away when Santana tried to reach out for her again. "Please don't." Brittany's voice was breaking on every word.

"Why?" Santana said.

"Because I'm so mad at you." Brittany lowered her hands and Santana finally met her eyes. "I'm so mad at you but you're hurt and you're limping and you've been through so much. I'm not allowed to be mad but I can't stop."

"You put that thing on you." Brittany gestured to where the cilice had once rested Santana's leg. "I held you and watched the blood pour out of you because of something you put on!"

Santana lowered her eyes the floor. She felt nothing but guilt and shame

"And I want to be mad at you because I get mad at people who hurt the ones I love but you did it to yourself and -."

Santana shot her eyes up.

_Love._

Brittany brow loosened. Her head tilted as she looked into Santana's eyes.

"What?" Brittany said.

"What?"

"You're smiling. I'm trying to be yell at you and you're smiling like a doofus." Brittany said. She crossed her arms.

Santana tried to wipe the smile from her face but it just kept growing. "I'm sorry." She pulled her eyes towards the ground.

"No." Brittany reached for Santana's chin and pulled her eyes up to meet her. "I like your smile." Brittany's face softened. Santana saw Brittany's eyes flicker from her lips to her eyes.

She wasn't sure Brittany was thinking about her smile anymore.

Brittany took a single step closer, Santana could feel Brittany's body pressing up against her own. Her hips fitted against Santana's like a puzzle.

The electricity that shot through Santana's body was too much, too soon, she took a painful step backwards. She watched as Brittany's face struggle as she tried to recover from Santana's rejection.

Santana felt like kicking herself.

"Do people not say that to you?" Brittany said. Her tone and expression all turned very serious.

Santana frowned. "Say what?"

"That they love you." Brittany asked.

Santana traced patterns in the counter. "I just- I- I'm not very lovable."

Brittany frowned. "You are."

Santana scoffed.

"No, I'm serious." Brittany took a step towards Santana. "You're sweet, you're kind."

"I'm vicious, evil and horrible." Santana finished Brittany's list for her.

"You were scared and confused but you're not any of those things." Brittany's tone raised.

"I'm all of those-"

Brittany grabbed Santana's face and pulled her closer. Santana's words buried in Brittany's lips, just like her thoughts. Her knees went weak and they felt like they were going to give out. She gripped the counter for support.

Brittany pulled her lips away and pulled Santana into a loose hug. Her head found its way to Santana's shoulder and they stayed like that for a while.

And Santana's couldn't have been any happier.

She felt Brittany body start to drift on top of her and she shook her awake. "Brittany." Santana called.

"Hmm." Brittany answered sleepily.

"Maybe you should take a nap before you pass out on me." Santana said.

"Oh, sorry." Brittany lifted her head and blinked her eyes open.

"No problem." Santana smiled.

"You're doing it again." Brittany said.

"Doing what again?"

"Smiling like a doofus." She said. Brittany brushed a stray hair from Santana's face. "Are you tired?"

"Sure." Santana offered. She let Brittany guide her towards the bedroom.

After they settled into their own sides of the bed, Santana drifted off to the rhythm of Brittany's sleepy breaths.

* * *

><p>It was the throbbing in her leg that woke her. Her eyes pulled open and she meant to reach for the radiating pain but she was too encased in a shield of Brittany to move. Brittany must have shifted over to her while they were sleeping she was now spooning against Santana's back with an arm draped across her stomach.<p>

If it weren't for this damn leg Santana could stay like this forever.

She shifted slowly out from underneath Brittany and slid off the bed. She moved towards the bathroom but stopped for a second as her leg started to give. It was throbbing and pulsing with every beat of her heart. She inched her way towards the bathroom and once she got there she splashed cold water on her face. She saw fresh bandages and antiseptic sitting on the counter and reached to remove the old bandage still wrapped around her leg from last night.

She had slowly removed it when she started hearing the rustling of sheets.

"Brittany?" She called lightly. When no one responded and the rustling stopped she reached for the bottle of antiseptic.

She poured it onto a gauze pad when the rustling happened again this time there were faint cries following it.

Santana inched her way towards the bathroom door and found Brittany twisting and turning violently in her sleep. She was grabbing fistfuls of the sheets Santana had been sleeping on and tugging them towards her, ripping the sheets from the mattress.

"Brittany." Santana soothed. She dragged her stupid fucking leg across the bedroom ignoring the screaming pain as she reached for Brittany's balled fist.

"Brittany." She called again. Brittany faced seemed to pull impossibly tighter. Santana was sure her eyes would never open. She twisted again, Santana leaned onto the bed and pressed a kiss to Brittany's forehead.

Maybe it worked for her too.

She held her lips pressed there ignoring the pain the position brought to her thigh. Brittany's face released tension. Santana pulled back just as Brittany's eyes shot open. A gasp escaped her lips.

She locked onto Brittany's terrified eyes.

"I think you were having a bad dream." Santana said.

Brittany nodded. Her arms came up and wrapped around the back of Santana's neck pulling her down into Brittany.

Santana pulled away quickly and sat back up from the bed, guiding her uncovered wound away from the sheets and blankets.

Santana smiled warmly in an attempt to lighten the frown that had crossed Brittany's face.

"I just didn't want to get blood everywhere." Santana said. She gestured to her leg.

Brittany shot up.

She ghosted her fingers around the wound. Now that Santana looked at it closer it looked more like holes then cuts.

"Does it hurt?" Brittany asked.

Santana opened her mouth to give Brittany her usual lie but she caught it on the tip of her tongue and settled for the truth instead.

"Yeah." Santana said.

Brittany leaped off the bed and started guiding Santana back down. "Sit." She commanded when Santana hesitated.

Santana's fell back against the mattress. Brittany disappeared into the kitchen first where she returned a few minutes later with another glass of water and the pain medicine. She held two pills out to Santana.

Santana took them with a smile and a thank you.

Brittany turned back towards the bathroom and returned with the bottle of antiseptic and bandages Santana had planned on using.

"Your dad." Brittany hesitated and studied Santana for a second. Santana knew she was looking for a reaction, Santana turned her focus to the water swirling in her glass. "He told me we should change it twice a day. I'm a little behind today." Brittany said with a sigh.

"You were tired." Santana offered.

Brittany shrugged. She brought the soaked gauze and dapped it gently against Santana's leg. Santana flinched even though she barely felt it.

"Sorry." Santana responded. "Just instinct I guess."

Brittany smiled. "Just promise to let me know if I hurt you okay?"

"Okay." Santana said.

Brittany hands carefully danced around Santana's leg as she looped the bandage. After she had taped it in place Brittany brought her lips and ghosted a kiss over the new white bandage.

Santana felt a shiver creep up her leg, it jerked back in response. Brittany sat back on her knees and gave Santana a timid smile.

"Sorry." Santana said. "It was just-"

"Instinct?" Brittany said.

Santana frowned, she studied the carpet. But Brittany placed her hands gently on Santana's chin and guided her glaze back. Santana saw the smile on Brittany's face and she felt her heart lighten. She smiled back.

Brittany rose to stand on her knees and looped her hands around Santana's neck.

Santana felt the shiver again, but now it radiated through every part of her. It felt like her entire body was covered in goose bumps except she wasn't cold at all.

Actually it was kind of hot.

Santana's eyes flickered between Brittany's pink lips and her clear blue eyes. Brittany's lips curved up into the cutest little smirk. Santana released a breath she didn't know she was holding in. She felt her hot breath bounce against Brittany's own.

Brittany sat up and inched herself onto the bed, Santana wiggled backwards so Brittany could straddled her. Brittany didn't falter from her grip around Santana's neck and she didn't pull her eyes away from the glaze she had locked onto Santana.

Santana couldn't wait anymore.

She grabbed Brittany's cheek and pulled her towards her mouth. Their lips connected. Santana tried to paint all her sorrys and regrets into the kisses she planted into Brittany's lips.

She would keep kissing Brittany even after she ran out of things to apologize for.

Brittany rocked her hips against Santana as her tongue ran across Santana's lips, asking for permission. Santana obliged and felt Brittany's tongue as it pushed into her mouth. She pushed back and thrusted herself into Brittany's mouth. She wasn't in there for too long before Brittany was pushing back, fighting for power. Brittany smiled seductively into the kiss and Santana felt her hands starting to roam. Her hand fell down to the small of the Brittany's back, the other fell to the back of Brittany's neck and pulled her deeper into the kiss.

Brittany pushed back Santana back against the bed while never separating their lips. Santana pulled apart only when she found herself gasping for air. Santana smiled up at her, she reached up to hook a piece of rogue blonde hair behind Brittany's ear.

"Are you okay?" Brittany asked. Santana couldn't hear the word laced with concern for something more than her leg.

Santana made sure her smile didn't wavier when she nodded.

Brittany's smile reached her eyes as she leaned back into Santana. Santana wasn't expecting Brittany's lips to lock against the pulse point of her neck. Santana was almost embarrassed by the moan she let escape her lips.

"Britt-any." Santana moaned again.

* * *

><p>"Brittany?"<p>

Brittany didn't want to stop. The taste of Santana's skin was intoxicating. She trailed a few more kissed down Santana's neck and towards her ear. She kissed the spot underneath Santana's ear. She knew she found a sweet spot by the way Santana's nails curled into her back. She peeled open her lips and sucked the skin into her mouth.

"Brittany!?"

That wasn't Santana's voice.

"Bri- Oh God."

Brittany whipped around to see Rachel standing in her doorway. She was shielding her face with her hands.

"I'm so sorry!" Rachel said before she ran out of the room, pulling the door closed behind her.

Brittany could feel Santana's heart slamming against her chest. Her lungs heaved and slammed against Brittany's thighs.

"Hey." Brittany cooed as she turned to look at Santana. Her eyes were shut tight as she continued to gasp in breaths.

"It's just Rachel." Brittany eased. "You're fine."

Santana nodded but her breathing didn't ease.

"You just need to breathe." Brittany said. "You're fine, just breathe."

Brittany brushed the hair from Santana's face and leaned in to press a quick kiss to the top of Santana's head. Santana's face eased and then relaxed. Her eyes fluttered open, she exhaled a shaky breath.

"You okay?" Brittany asked. She eased off of Santana making sure to not hit Santana's leg. She stood up and pulled Santana up towards her.

Santana nodded.

Brittany guided Santana out of the room. They found Rachel sitting on the couch in the living room. She rose to her feet as soon as she noticed them enter.

"I'm so sorry." Rachel's eyes darted between Santana and Brittany. Brittany could see the what-are-you-thinking glare coming from Rachel. She ignored it.

"Is something wrong?" Brittany asked.

Rachel frowned and then her face flickered. "Oh- You weren't answering your phone."

Rachel glanced back at Santana. Santana didn't notice, she hadn't taken her eyes off the carpet.

"David's awake!" Rachel said.

Brittany felt guilty for forgetting about David. She looked over at Santana who was finally looking up at Rachel.

"Kurt's over with him now." Rachel said. "They said we could all go visit him tonight."

David was awake.

David was okay.

"Did you want to come?" Rachel asked.

Brittany nodded before Rachel had even finished the sentence.

Of course she did.

Rachel looked down at her hands. She gave Brittany once last glance before she turned her attention back to Santana.

"Did you want to come too?" Rachel asked.

Santana flinched at the sudden attention but she nodded in response.

Rachel nodded. "Okay so it's a date. See you guys tonight." Rachel stood and was heading for the front door before Brittany could react.

"You're leaving already?" Brittany asked.

Rachel smirked back at Brittany. "Yeah – I –umm loads to do." Rachel said. They way her voiced rose at the end made it sound more like a question than a statement. "You know errands and things on a list or something. See you guys." Rachel nearly walked into the door before she remembered to pull it open, she turned and left.

"Are you hungry?" Brittany said.

Santana nodded and followed Brittany into the kitchen she sat in her spot on the counter and watched as Brittany pulled out the vegetables she had chopped earlier this morning. She pulled out a skillet from the bottom cabinet and placed it on the stove.

Then she forgot what she was supposed to do next.

Rachel had told her a recipe once but Brittany didn't listen. Recipes were hard and frustrating and you never had the right ingredients for what you wanted to make and Brittany usual ate her vegetables fresh anyway.

But Santana would want something cooked and delicious.

"Did you lose something?" Santana asked.

Brittany turned around and saw that Santana was watching her with her head tilted sideways.

How could one look make someone feel so special?

"I just-" Brittany looked down at the skillet one more time as if the next step was somehow written there. "I'm not very good at recipes."

"What did you want to do?" Santana eased herself down from the counter and looked down at the bowl of vegetables.

"Sauté?" Brittany said.

She didn't know if that's was she really intended to do but she remembered the word from a cooking show she had watched once. It seemed a good cooking word to use right now.

"Sauté huh?" Santana mimicked calling Brittany's bluff. "Do you have a sauté pan?"

Brittany looked down at the skillet. "You need a special pan?"

Santana smiled at her. She limped over to the cabinets and pulled out another skillet. It looked similar to the one Brittany had except the sides were flared out. Santana held up the pan.

"Sauté pan." She announced victoriously.

"Do you have oil?" Santana asked. Santana didn't bother waiting for an answer she opened a couple of cabinets and made an a-ha noise when she found a small bottle of something Rachel must have brought over.

"Do you cook a lot?" Brittany asked. Santana started turning nobs on the stove.

"Um-" The stove clicked and the flames lit up. Santana dropped the pan onto the stove. "It was that or eat Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches my whole life."

"Your mom didn't cook?" Brittany asked.

Santana shifted in her place and looked down at the oil that was starting to slowly sizzle in the pan. She dropped in a handful of vegetables.

"You don't have to answer that." Brittany added quickly. The last thing she wanted to do was make Santana uncomfortable.

Santana turned around for the first time and met Brittany's eyes.

"No." She turned her attention back towards the food. "No, It's okay."

Brittany watched her and waited.

"My dad was the cook actually." Santana said. "When he wasn't at the hospital we would make these ridiculous elaborate meals together. My brother used to-"

Santana laughed sadly. She jerked the skillet, the food shifted around the pan. She placed it back on the stove. Brittany inched herself forward and wrapped her hands around Santana's waist and laid her head on her tense shoulder.

Brittany felt Santana ease into her embrace. Brittany placed a kiss onto Santana's soft shoulder.

They cooked the rest of the vegetables like that Brittany only allowed herself to finally let go when Santana nudged her with her elbow because she couldn't move to grab plates. Brittany's stomach growled to remind her that she was hungry and Brittany reluctantly released her grip on Santana.

Brittany smiled at Santana from across the table as she scoped in the first bites of vegetables.

"Mhmmm." Brittany said. "You make a mean sauté."

Santana smiled proudly.

"You should try my chorizo." Santana said.

Brittany smiled. "I would love to. You gotta earn your keep ya know." Brittany said through a mouthful of food.

Santana smirked. "I do."

"When can you make it?" Brittany said. She pretended to check an imaginary watch on her wrist.

Santana let out an adorable little laugh.

"You think I'm kidding?" Brittany deadpanned.

Santana only laughed harder.

Brittany rubbed her cheeks. They were starting to hurt from smiling so wide.

"How about tomorrow?" Santana asked.

"Sounds like a date." Brittany said. Brittany leaned across the table and planted a sweet kiss on Santana's lips.


	16. Regression

Santana send a thankful smile to Brittany before she stepped past her and into the now crowded hospital room. She placed her plastic bag, filled with snacks, candy and magazines on top of the growing pile at the foot of the bed.

David was already pushing himself to a sitting position. He had spotted a package of beef jerky in one of the grocery bags and was already tearing it open. Santana looked over at Kurt who had a proud smile on his face. He was the one the insisted on grabbing every flavor they had at Arlene's Grocery even though he winced every time the smoked meat smell reached his nose.

"Santana!" Santana had to look back at David to realize that it was him that was speaking. The strained voice that had addressed her sounded nothing like voice she was used to. Her eyes faltered to the bruises on his neck just for a second before looked up to see David grinning at her. He pulled her into an awkward half hug.

"David." She wrapped her arms loosely around his back before she pulled back. "How are you feeling?"

Santana noticed how his eyes did a subtle little glance over at Kurt.. "Much better." He whispered. She didn't know if he was whispering because of his voice or because he thought he was telling her some huge secret. Santana pulled back further as she tried to read David's expression but he was already changing the subject.

"How are you?" He asked.

"Um-" Santana shifted uncomfortably.

She looked up at David who was studying her carefully.

"I'm fine." She practically squeaked out.

He was the one in the hospital.

She should be worried about him.

"Yo jerk me, man." Puck called. Puck held out his hand palm up as if he was expecting to be handed something.

"Jerk you?" David asked. Finn and Big Lips burst out laughing. Santana felt Brittany giggling next to her. She felt a chuckle escape her lips.

Puck coughed. "I meant-Can I have some beef jerky?" Puck corrected. He ripped a piece of Beef Jerky from David's hands before he could get an answer.

"Hey man you could have just asked?" David said. He winked at Puck.

Puck's cheeks burned red. He stared down at the floor as he chomped on his piece of beef jerky.

Kurt sat across from David on the bed. He started pulling out packages of beef jerky and candy and displaying them in front of David on the bed. David smiled the widest smile Santana had ever seen on him as he listened to Kurt reading the labels.

She was wondering if anyone else was noticing it.

"Thank you guys." David said when Kurt had taken a break to reach for another bag. "This is so amazing- to know I have so many people that care about me- it just means a lot. "

"Of course, we all love you David." Rachel said.

"No one else has mastered the art of pouring cranberries and vodka into a cup like you." Brittany deadpanned.

"Speaking of, when are you going back to Scandal's?" Kurt asked.

David looked down at the blankets. "I don't think I'm going back." Kurt opened his mouth to protest but David held his hand up to stop him.

"It's not that I don't want to!" David said. "But after all this. I think I want to go back to football."

"David!"

Santana sucked in a gasp that threatened to escape her throat. From the corner of her eye she could see a figure making its way through the crowd of visitors. She didn't have to turn to see who it was, her skin was crawling just from the sound of the voice alone.

David's back stiffened. "Father Gerry." David responded.

"I've just come to check on my favorite patient." Father Gerry said. Santana never realized how fake the happiness in his voice sounded.

Not until now.

"I'm fine." David said.

"Great. We're really looking forward to your return." Father Gerry studied David closely as if he was trying to see straight through him. Santana burrowed herself into Brittany's side and prayed that Father Gerry wouldn't turn his head the forty-five degrees he needed to spot her.

Brittany grabbed Santana's hand and tangled their fingers. Santana let out a breath. At least she'd have Brittany here.

He looked over at Kurt who nodded back at him for support. "I'm not coming back." David said.

Father Gerry didn't finch or react in anyway. It seemed like he was expecting this response. A sick smile crossed Father Gerry's lips.

"David, when you stand in front of God for judgment you want to at least say that you tried." Father Gerry said.

David glanced at Kurt before he spoke again. "I am trying. To be the best person I can be." David said. His eyes didn't flicker from Father Gerry's as he spoke. "And Love Can Win isn't helping me do that. I really don't see how it can help anyone do that."

Father Gerry nodded. "Have you spoken with your father about this?"

David mocked Father Gerry's sick smile with his own. "He was the one that suggested I drop the program."

This time Father Gerry was caught off guard. He nodded his head at the ground a few times. Santana was pretty sure that he was trying to hide the surprise from his face.

"Very well. If you ever change your mind, our doors will always be open." He said.

"Thank you." David said coldly.

"But we can expect you to return." Father Gerry said. His eyes drifted up and his head tilted until his eyes locked onto hers. "Right, Santana?"

Santana wished her eyes weren't as wide and terrified as she knew they were. She wished she hadn't had jumped at the sudden eye contact. But she was thankful for the sudden tightness of Brittany's grip on her hand.

She still had something to keep her grounded.

Father Gerry's eyes drifted down to their entangled hands and then back up to Santana's eyes. Father Gerry made a disapproving sound and shook his head. Santana had never felt smaller.

Santana heard a scuffle from the corner and saw Finn attempting to restrain Puck. She met David's eyes for a second. He smiled a real smile for her and gave her a nod.

For some reason she was starting to feel a little taller. She looked over to the priest.

"I'm not going back." She said. She kept her eyes on Father Gerry.

Father Gerry's smile grew, Santana felt her stomach twisting into nervous knots.

"Well I'll prepare for your return anyway." Father Gerry said. "Especially after I have a little talk with your wonderful grandmother."

Bile rose into the back of Santana's throat.

"You have no right!" Santana turned to see Rachel stepped towards Father Gerry pointing a threatening finger at him.

Except she was the least threatening person Santana had ever met.

Sam shrugged his shoulder before he reached for Rachel. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back with little effort.

"That is none of your business." Rachel screamed. She kicked as Sam lifted her off the floor and pulled her back.

"God's children are my business." Father Gerry said. "And Santana's grandmother has every right to know about the transgressions of her granddaughter. I mean she practically raised you, didn't she?" He turned his head back to Santana. "And your abuela loves you very much Santana. You should hear the way she talks about you." He reached for the gold cross necklace that sat just above Santana's heart. She knew Father Gerry would recognize it. He was the one who blessed it after Abuela had given it to her. He pinched the cross between his fingertips, the gold chain pulled against the skin of Santana's neck.

Even after he dropped it she still felt it choking her.

Santana pulled out from Brittany's grasp and pushed passed Father Gerry. She was out the door and running as fast as she could, ignoring the agitated nurses who shouted warnings as she breezed past.

She found an exit sign and ran directly for it.

She pushed the door open and found herself standing in an empty stairwell. She barely took a step before she collapsed against the railing.

* * *

><p>There were about a million things Brittany wanted to say. A dozen things Brittany wanted to do. She turned her back to Father Gerry instead.<p>

Santana was more important.

And she was already gone.

Brittany took up a light jog which lessened into a brisk walk after she came across a particularly annoyed nurse. She checked around the hospital rooms and bathrooms. She finally stopped at a nurse's station and asked if anyone had seen her. The nurses barely looked up from their work when they half-heartedly promised they'd keep an eye out. She sighed and took off running down the opposite direction when she ran headfirst into a doctor.

"Brittany." Dr. Lopez's said.

Brittany froze and looked back up into those stern brown eyes. "Dr. Lopez." She dusted off invisible dust from his jacket. "I'm sorry. I'm just-"

"-looking for Santana?" Dr. Lopez looked over at the nurses' station and back down at Brittany.

"I – um. Yeah." Brittany said. "That priest guy is here and he threatened her-"

"Father Gerry?" Dr. Lopez looked around the hallway. "Where is he?" He turned from Brittany.

She reached out and grabbed his arm. "No. Please, help me find Santana first." She said.

Dr. Lopez nodded. "Okay."

He pointed back over his shoulder. "You go back to the room with your friend and check to see if she's there. I know some other hiding places people use. I'll check those and get back to you."

Brittany nodded and headed back towards the room.

When she got back Father Gerry was gone but David seemed to be in the middle of an angry tirade.

"I mean what's the point of that place." David said. "It does nothing but make everything worse and make people feel like some sort of abomination." He threw his hands up in the air.

"You aren't." Kurt said softly.

"But did you see what he just did to Santana." David pointed towards the door and noticed Brittany.

"Did you find her?" David's voice softened.

"She didn't come back?" She looked around the room and saw everyone shaking their heads.

"Fuck." David said. "That place, that douchebag can't keep doing this to people. We have to do something about this."

"What can you do?" Puck said. "I have you seen that place? It's the Church, they have like money and supporters and shit."

"Kurt can you call my dad for me?" David added.

Brittany's feet were carrying her out of the room before she realized it. She needed to find Santana.

She didn't get too far down the hallway when she heard the shouting.

* * *

><p>The door next to her creaked open and Santana knew she was busted.<p>

But it wasn't Brittany that found her.

She followed her eyes up the dark shoes, to the slept in dress pants, up to the white lab coat and past the name tag that said 'Dr. Lopez' in big bold black letters.

"Santana." He said softly.

Santana jumped to her feet ignoring the leg that had started to throb now that her pain medication was wearing off.

"How long has this been happening?" He said.

Santana frowned.

"Oh don't play that Santana." His stern voice was back. "How long have you been having these panic attacks?"

Santana stared at him. "Why do you care?"

"Because I'm your father." He took a step towards her. "That's why I care!"

She stepped back towards him. "It's a little too late to start giving a fuck."

"I always cared about you Santana." His voice softened. "I will always care about you."

Santana scoffed and turned to walk away.

Dr. Lopez grabbed her arm and turned her to face him. He grabbed a card from his pocket and wrote something out it. He handed it to Santana.

"That's Dr. Williams. He's one of the best psychologists I know. And if you need a psychiatrist he can recommend-"

"I don't need this." Santana threw the card back at him, it fluttered to the ground at his feet.

"There's nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it, Santana." He said.

"Stop saying my name like that!" She said.

"Like what?" He asked.

"Like you care." She said. "You don't care. You never fucking cared. You just wanted your poster family. The fucking doctor with his fucking perfect little family. You left when it got too fucking hard. As soon as you had to work for something you took the fuck off. So don't come back to me all of a sudden and -"

"You think I don't care?" He said. He took a step towards Santana. She stood her ground this time. "If I didn't care why would I drive a ten year old car or live in a shitty one bedroom apartment. You ever wonder how you can live in such an extravagant house when your mother hasn't worked a day since the accident? Did you ever think about that?"

Santana froze. He paid for everything?

It didn't make sense.

"Your mother is sick. But you've known that." Her dad countered. His toned softened.

Santana stared down at the ground.

"You've been trying to take care of her, haven't you?" Dr. Lopez asked.

Santana nodded without looking up.

"After your brother died, your mother stopped taking her medicine." Dr. Lopez said. "I tried everything to get her back on her regime but she was just so- so devastated. So I thought if we left- I thought I could get you out of there at least. But maybe it would be the kick she needed to realize what she was doing. But then you chose her. You chose her instead of me. I thought it was because-I was so mad at you - but then"

There was a pause.

"You chose her because you knew something was wrong. You knew she needed you more than I did." He said.

She could feel her father's eyes on her. She couldn't look up.

"Santana I'm so sorry." He said. "I was so mad at you for so long and I was wrong. I was so wrong. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I was-" He moved to wrap his arms around her. She pushed his hands away. She couldn't. Not now, not after everything.

"You left us!" Santana shouted at him.

"I thought it would help-"

"Well it didn't-" She looked up to see Dr. Lopez's eyes trailed above her shoulder. She turned to see Brittany standing in front of the stairwell door, her eyes wide.

"Leave me alone." She turned to the railing and gripped it to steady herself.

"Santana, please." Dr. Lopez begged.

"Get the fuck away from me!" She looked at him. She knew the tears were trailing down her face but she didn't care anymore. She turned to Brittany as she said. "Just leave me alone. Please."

She heard the footsteps and she listened as the door creaked open and whined as it shut again. She thought she was alone until she saw the flash of blond.

"You too." Santana hugged her body tighter.

"No." Brittany said. She was stilling moving closer. Santana felt her knees giving out and her body began to collapse to the floor, Brittany was there to catch her before she hit the ground.

"He left us." Santana sobbed into Brittany's chest as they both crumpled to the ground.

"He's here." Brittany cooed into her hair. "He's here if you want him to be."

She watched as Brittany slipped a paper into her jeans pocked.

She didn't have the energy to ask what it was.

* * *

><p>Brittany eased her duffel bag under her chair before she slid into her seat across from Kurt at the Lima Bean.<p>

Rachel eased their three cups onto the table.

"So how is Santana doing?" Rachel asked as she sat down next to Kurt at the table.

"She's doing better." Brittany said. "She seems to have kind of blocked it all out."

"Well that's good?" Kurt said.

"I don't know." Brittany said. She took a sip of the scalding liquid and let it burn the back of her throat. "It's kind of like she's not processing everything. I mean all that stuff I heard her dad say to her…"

"She hasn't talked about it?" Rachel said.

"No, I don't think she wants to." Brittany frowned down at the table.

"Just give her time." Kurt said. "She'll come around."

"Yeah." She still wasn't sure she was convinced. Brittany decided to change the topic she smiled at Kurt. "How's David?"

"He's great actually." Kurt let out a little breath. Brittany glanced at Rachel. By the smirk on Rachel's face she knew they both were seeing the same signs.

"Great, huh?" Brittany asked. She brought the cup to her mouth so hide the wink she went Rachel's way.

"Yes he's great." Kurt said. "He worked out this whole training regime with his dad. ESPN already caught wind of his come back and they want to interview him."

"Wow ESPN?" Rachel said.

"Do you even know what ESPN is?" Brittany asked.

Both Rachel and Kurt shook their heads. Brittany let out a laugh. "It's a huge sports TV network. That's a pretty big deal."

"Why would they want to interview a wanna-be-professional football player?" Rachel asked.

Kurt scoffed at her.

"No, I mean it just seems like there's a certain reason why they'd want to-"

"Because he's gay." Kurt said. "It's a big deal because if he made a team he'd be the only out football player in the league."

"And he's okay with that?" Rachel asked.

"Well it was why he left football in the first place." Kurt said. " But he said he's ready to embrace who he is now. 'If I'm going to be the only gay football player I'm going to be the hardest hitting gay football player in the league.'" Kurt said using air quotes and deepening his voice.

"David sounds nothing like that." Brittany said.

Kurt shook his head but Brittany could see the smile crossing his face.

Brittany looked up at the clock. "Shoot. I got to go."

"You just got here." Rachel said.

"I know." Brittany said. "But Santana told me dinner would be ready at 7:00."

"Santana Lopez cooked you dinner?" Kurt said. "That's the weirdest sentence I've ever said."

"It's just a little thank you thing." Brittany reached for her wallet and handed Rachel a five dollar bill.

"It's a date." Rachel said.

Brittany froze in her tracks.

"No it's not." Brittany said.

"Did she tell you not to come home until 7:00?" Kurt asked.

Brittany nodded.

"And did you schedule this ahead of time?" Rachel asked.

Brittany nodded again.

She looked down at the baggy sweatpants she was wearing. She had just come from her class at the dance studio, her hair was in a messy bun and she hadn't even showered yet.

"Oh, God." Brittany said. She took off out the door at a full sprint, hoping she'd get home in time to at least take a shower.

* * *

><p>Santana sprawled out next to Brittany on the bed. Dinner was great, the make out session on the couch afterwards was much better.<p>

"Brittany." She called. "Are you awake?"

Brittany turned over instantly. "Yes. Are you?"

Santana laughed a little. "Yeah."

Brittany turned and reached her hand out to trace Santana's jaw line with her thumb. "Thank you for dinner."

"My pleasure." Santana smiled.

Brittany leaned in and captured Santana's lips. Santana wrapped her hands around Brittany's waist and pulled her in closer.

They kissed slowly for a while. She felt Brittany pushing her until she fell back against the pillows. Brittany looped her legs around Santana's hips. She smiled down at Santana before their lips crashed back against each other.

Brittany pulled away, she leaned up and pulled her shirt over her head.

Brittany smiled when she caught Santana gawking.

Santana felt her face burn, she was sure Brittany could feel it when she leaned back down and started tracing kisses from the side of Santana's face and down her jaw.

Brittany tugged at the waistband of Santana's pants, looping her fingers in the waistband before Santana felt her lips against her mouth again.

She pulled back gasping, Brittany's hot breath bouncing against her face.

Brittany eased the pants down Santana's legs, Sliding them down to gently ease each of Santana's legs from her sweatpants and underwear.

The cold air rushed toward the most private parts of Santana's body. She swallowed a breath.

Brittany guided Santana's shirt up leaving her stomach exposed to the open air. She shivered when Brittany's warm lips pressed against her for the first time. Brittany kept kissing, trailing her kisses lower and lower.

Santana watched as the blonde hair dipped lower and lower. She didn't even know if Brittany was kissing her anymore.

All she could feel was the panic.

Brittany could see everything.

Brittany could feel everything.

What if she didn't like any of it?

She had never felt so exposed in her life. Of course other people had seen her body. Other people had worked her body and felt the way Santana reacted to the proper touch. But her body had never reacted like this.

She had never felt like _this_.

Brittany looked up and locked eyes with Santana before her tongue trailed a slow line inside her folds.

Santana shuttered at the feeling. Her legs fell open, her body instantly reacting to the touch.

It wanted more.

She leaned her head back against the pillow and allowed the moan to push through her throat. She clenched her eyes shut and tried to shut the fear out.

This was Brittany.

She had never trusted anyone but she trusted Brittany.

She just didn't know why.

She couldn't tell you where Brittany was touching her or how she was doing it. She could only feel the moans against her throat, the way her legs clenched as her body climbed higher. All of the muscles of her body seemed to tighten and her back arched of its own accord as her body climbed higher and higher until it found its release. Its muscles clenched and her lungs stopped functioning until her body settled down. She felt the weight of Brittany against her chest. She felt warm lips against her own.

The lips tasted different.

Santana still couldn't open her eyes.

"You taste good." Brittany whispered. "That was amazing."

Santana nodded. Because it was, it should have been.

Why wasn't it?

Then the thought hit her.

She was up. She had to return the favor.

That was how it worked didn't it?

She cursed herself for not paying attention to what she was supposed to do. She wished she had memorized and documented Brittany's movements against her.

Her breathing intensified for all the wrong reasons.

Her eyes shot open and she turned to meet Brittany's patient, trusting eyes.

She had to do this.

She pushed Brittany back against the bed. Looping her legs to straddle her hips just like Brittany had done to her. Brittany gasped when Santana's lips crashed against hers. They kissed for a while, Santana using the time to figure out her next move.

She wondered if Brittany could trace the hesitation in her lips and tongue. Brittany's fingers caressed Santana's cheek.

It felt like it was supposed to be comforting in some way.

It wasn't.

Santana leaned back and took her shirt off. She already felt so exposed. What did a little skin matter?

She watched Brittany's eyes trace up her exposed body with a smile before she locked onto her eyes. She reached for Santana and brought her back down for another kiss.

At least she still had it.

She deepened the kiss, pushing her tongue inside Brittany's mouth. She could feel Brittany grasping desperately onto her hips.

She wondered if Brittany was starting to think this was some sort of foreplay.

If she let this go on for too long Brittany would figure it out.

She had to make a move.

Santana trailed her kisses down onto Brittany's neck. Just like Brittany had done. The kisses smacked against Brittany's skin. She didn't remember Brittany's kisses being this loud.

She couldn't even do the easy part right.

Her movements were robotic and choppy like she was reading a manual and stopping every couple of seconds to see what the next step was.

But she had to be doing good enough, because Brittany wasn't stopping her.

She trailed her kisses lower. Diverting a little from script she was copying from Brittany since she only had a bra blocking her way. It was getting easier now. She knew she was doing something right just by the way Brittany writhed against her mouth or the way Brittany's back arched so her skin stayed attached to Santana's wet kisses for as long as possible. Santana kissed patterns into Brittany's stomach as she hooked her fingers into the sides of Brittany's pajama pants. She dragged them down, easing Brittany's legs out before dropping the clothes next to hers on the floor.

She shifted her body so she was looking down into the most private part of Brittany. She could see the way Brittany's skin was shimmering.

At least she had done something right.

Brittany's legs shifted, exposing more of herself and granting Santana better access.

It only increased her anxiety.

It was now or never.

She propped herself on her elbow. The cold cross that hung on her neck somehow burned her skin.

Fuck.

She ignored it and dipped her head lower.

"Wait." Brittany grabbed Santana's chin to stop her. Santana looked up to meet those trusting blue eyes again.

Her stomach clenched.

"I just didn't want you to think I was saying it because of what-" Brittany trailed off. She looked as skittish as Santana felt. Brittany eyes looked around the room before they found their way back to Santana.

"I love you." She said.

Santana's stomach flipped and twirled and did fucking somersaults.

She stared through Brittany's eyes and for the first time felt like she could see all of her.

This was all wrong.

It was about so much more than sex.

For the first time in her life it meant something.

And she couldn't fucking do it.

She was on her feet and sprinting towards the bathroom. She managed to close and lock the bathroom door before she fell to her knees in from of the toilet and puked her guts out.

* * *

><p>There were three light raps against the door again.<p>

Santana knew Brittany had been sitting outside the bathroom the entire time. Santana had stopped puking hours ago but she found the cold tile of the bathroom oddly comforting. She was pretty sure she could fall asleep with her head laying the way it was against the counter.

"Santana?" Brittany whispered. The sadness in Brittany's voice made Santana feel like her heart was being torn out.

Brittany had been doing it at regular intervals all night. Light raps at the door and the calling of her name.

But Santana still couldn't find the strength to face her.

Opening the door meant having to explain herself. Opening the door meant having to figure out why she felt so afraid of everything. Opening the door meant trying to find the answers to why her body reacted the ways it did.

Opening the door meant admitting something was wrong.

But nothing was wrong. She wasn't sick. She wasn't like her mom.

She couldn't lose everything not when she already had nothing.

"I'm sorry." Brittany voice broke at the words.

Santana took in ragged breaths and tried to drown out the world as she curled into a ball and fell asleep on the soggy bathroom carpet.

* * *

><p>Brittany slept against the wood door frame and now her back was thanking her for the awkward position. She twisted and stretched as she stood and her bones cracked. Brittany looked up at the noise that had pulled her from her sleep.<p>

The phone shook and vibrated against the wood of the nightstand. She had forgotten that she had even placed it here. She chanced one more glance back to the closed bathroom door and jumped across the bedroom to answer her phone without even checking the caller ID.

"Hello?" She didn't realize how scratchy her throat felt until she finally spoke.

The voice was from her studio director reminding her how late she was.

"No I-" She glanced over at her alarm clock she had forgotten to set.

She was very late.

"I'll be right there." She said into the receiver. He said something else but Brittany didn't have time to listen. She was already grabbing clothes from her closet but she knew by the tone that she should apologize.

"I'm sorry." She said. "It won't happen-"

The line went dead before she could finish her thought.

"Fuck." Brittany cursed under her lips.

She inched her way towards the bathroom and rapped gently against the door. "Santana." She called. "Are you okay?"

Santana didn't respond but Brittany could hear shuffling. Maybe she had just woken up too.

"I have to get to the studio." Brittany said. "If you want I can call Puck or –" Brittany thought of mentioning Rachel or Kurt but then decided against it. She waited for Santana.

There was just silence.

"I'll be home later." Brittany said. "We can- we can talk then or-"

She lingered her hand on the door for a second longer, hoping that Santana would pull it open and maybe she would get to see her before she left. She just wanted to embrace her and hold her and know everything was okay, know that Santana was okay, and know that they were okay.

But she didn't.

Brittany grabbed her jeans from their pile on the floor, she slipped them over her legs. She grabbed her duffel bag and searched her pockets for her keys as she raced her way through the hallway. A piece of paper dropped to the floor. Brittany pulled the business card up to her eyes.

She placed it in the middle of the counter.

Where she knew Santana would see it.

* * *

><p>She had never hated herself more than she did right now.<p>

Santana didn't find the energy to stand until ten minutes after she head the front door close. She slapped cold water against her sticky face and rubbed toothpaste against her teeth.

She walked through the empty bedroom and stepped out into the empty kitchen.

She found the business card for the psychologist sitting on the kitchen counter.

It took Santana ten minutes to find her phone and another fifty-seven to finally work up the courage to make the phone call.

* * *

><p>*

**Author's Note: The feedback I've been getting from this story has been really amazing. The reviews and Private messages I've been receiving have been amazing and inspiring. I just want you guys to know. That all of you are amazing and I love hearing how much the story means to you... Keep being awesome Ladies and Gentlemen! **

**Hit me up on tumblr for story updates and other nonsense (diablovixen dot tumblr dot com)**

**As usual thank you to all that read, review and follow. I read and enjoy every single review :)**

*/


	17. Reality

When Santana stepped out of her car and looked up at her house for the first time in days, everything seemed a little bit different.

Santana found the mailbox oddly empty and the newspapers oddly missing from the foot of the driveway. On good days when her mother managed to get outside and she would sometimes find the newspaper sitting on the kitchen table and the mail sorted and waiting for her.

But she hadn't expected her mother to be having very good days recently.

Maybe that was selfish of her.

Maybe her dad was right. Maybe leaving was the kick her mother needed to put herself back together.

She pushed open the door of the house. She already knew her mother wasn't home. It just felt empty.

But it usually felt this way.

She glanced over at the kitchen hoping to find the newspapers laid out and the a few days' worth of mail piled. Instead she found nothing.

Like literally nothing.

The tiles had been ripped up. Santana saw the floorboards and she was pretty sure if stepped closer and looked down she'd be able to see the basement through the cracks in the wood. What had once been the cabinets were now bare wood frames. A piece of discolored wall marked the outline of where the refrigerator would have been. All the other appliances were gone too.

"Your mother always wanted it redone."

Santana nearly jumped out of her shoes. She took several deep breaths and turned back to the noise. Her father was standing there with ruffled hair and tired eyes. It looked like he had just woken up.

He was sleeping here?

"I'm sorry." He added once he saw how Santana was holding her hand over her heart. "I didn't know you'd be home. I thought you were staying at your girlfriend's."

He backpedaled at the look she sent him. "I mean your friend's. Your friend-who-happens-to-be-a-girl's house-" Santana's eyes drifted towards the ground. "Is everything okay?" He tilted his head in an attempt to catch her gaze.

"You're redoing the kitchen?" She asked.

He probably knew that Santana was diverting the conversation but he answered anyway.

"Yeah I just figured it would be a nice thing for her when she got back. Like a fresh-"

"Got back?" Santana shot her eyes back to her father.

He swallowed his words and looked down at the ground.

"Got back?!" She repeated.

"She's at a facility in Cleveland." He said. "The guy who runs it is a good friend and he's one of the best in the country your mom is-"

"When will she be back?" Santana looked over the kitchen. It wasn't going to be done anytime soon. She didn't want her mom to come home to a messy kitchen.

"She's going to worry about herself for a little while. She needs to be a little selfish right now before she can be what you or I need her to be." Her dad continued. "It's going to take a lot of adjustments to make everything right, balancing dosages and finding the right medicine. She doesn't want to leave until it's perfect. Until we know she's better." He said.

"So a while?" Santana asked.

"Probably."

Maybe this was for the better.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked.

Her father waited for Santana to look back at him before he spoke again. "I wanted her to worry about herself and I wanted you to worry about yourself."

Santana looked away again. That answer wasn't good enough.

"Do you want to visit her?" He looked down at his watch for a second. "If we leave right now we can get there for the start of afternoon visitation."

"Don't you have work?" Santana asked. She had known even from an early age that last minute things like this weren't possible when your father was a doctor. There were surgeries and appointments and patients.

"Yes or no." He said.

"Yes." Santana said.

"Okay, let's go." He led Santana out the door before she could say another word. He was already bringing his cellphone to his ear.

She looked at the rusting heap he called a car and wondered if it really would make the three hour drive. She looked back at her 2010 Chevy Malibu that her mother had 'bought' her a couple of years ago. She didn't know why she didn't realize then that it was strange that her unemployed mother could afford something so extravagant.

Maybe, in a way she always knew what was really going on.

"How about we take my car?" She whispered to her father who was still waiting for the phone. She pointed to the red car parked on the other side of the street.

He pulled the phone away from his ear. "Can I still drive?"

Even if she really had wanted to drive she wasn't sure she could say no just by the way his eyes lit up. She tossed the keys to him from the passenger's side.

"You bought it anyway." She said.

He smirked before he brought the phone back to his ear.

"Cancel all my appointments." He said as they strolled to new car..

They were stopped at their first light when her dad started playing with the radio.

"Oh my God, you have Satellite radio?!" He started flicking past the countless radio stations.

Santana couldn't help but laugh, she always just listened to the same one station, having so many really didn't matter.

A car behind them honked when he was too busy with the radio to notice the light had changed to green. And after they had a particularly hairy moment merging onto the highway Santana decided to put her foot down.

"I swear to God If you don't just pick a station-" Santana said

"Okay, Okay." He stopped flicking the knob.

_You're listening to Mike and Mike in the morning here on ESPN Radio. We just heard from Brian Cashman regarding the interesting moves the Yankees are making in the off-season-_

"No." Santana said. This was definitely not happening especially when she had nothing but a dead cell phone to keep her entertained.

"What?" Her father said. He had a sly little smile on his face. "You told me to stop on a station. I stopped on a station."

"I am not listening to sports news for three hours." Santana flicked the radio off.

"Fine, Fine." Her dad huffed. "We'll just listen on the way back." He winked at her before he turned his attention back to the road.

Santana scoffed.

They drove for a half hour before either one of them spoke again.

"I made an appointment with Dr. Williams." She said.

He smiled at her. "Good." It was the proud dad smile. She hadn't realized how much she missed seeing it.

They drove past five more exit signs before her father spoke again, he kept his eyes fixed on the road as he did. "He specializes in sexual identity."

He peaked back at her, probably gauging her reaction. They drove past three more signs before Santana could speak.

"Does it-" She looked back out the window and tried to channel the strength to ask the question nagging at her. "Would it bother you?"

"Honestly…" Her father let out a sigh.

Santana kept her eyes fixated on the road as she steeled herself for her world to crumble. She had been expecting this to happen.

But she was just starting to feel like she was getting him back.

Now she was just going to lose him all over again.

"It does bother me." He said.

She felt the tears threatening at the edge of her eyes.

"The same way it bothers me that people will treat you like a second class citizen because you're Hispanic." He said.

What?

She met his glance.

"It bothers me the same way it bothers me to know that there are people out there who would want to take advantage of you just because you're a beautiful woman."

"But those are society's problems. Not yours." He added.

Tears flowed down her cheeks for a whole different reason. She hadn't expected that. She turned her face away from him and tried to wipe the tears away even though she knew he had to have seen them.

He gave her four exit signs to recover.

"She cares about you, you know." He only took his eyes off the road when he felt Santana looking at him.

"I'm thoroughly prepared to hate anyone you decide to date." He shrugged from behind the steering wheel. "It's a dad thing." She let out a wet scoff. "But I'm having a lot of trouble finding anything to hate about her."

He glanced back over at Santana. She couldn't help but mimic the smile on his face.

"She's kind of-" He started.

"Perfect." Santana finished for him.

* * *

><p>When she bursts through the door she finds the hospital room much emptier than it was yesterday. Rachel was sitting in the far corner on one of those large hospital chairs and Kurt was sitting at the edge of the bed facing David. They looked like they had been in the middle of a very important conversation.<p>

But Brittany is much too frantic to care. She had spent hours in a mess of a dance rehearsal where she couldn't think of anything but Santana. Then she came home and Santana was gone. There was nothing left of her.

Nothing but a note that said she had gone back home and a thank you for letting her stay.

But she wasn't at home either.

"I blew it." Brittany said. She plopped down onto the plastic visitor's chair that was positioned against the wall, facing David's bed.

"Hello Brittany." Kurt said from his spot on the bed the edge on his voice was the usual warning tone he used when Brittany was being rude.

But this was an emergency.

"I thought you and Santana would still be recovering from your date." David added with a sly little smirk.

Brittany buried her face in her hands. "I blew it." She repeated

"What happened?" David asked.

"Santana's gone. She left. I moved too fast. I did too much. I'm so stupid." She smacked her palm against her forehead at the end of each sentence.

Rachel and Kurt were on their feet kneeling beside Brittany. She was expecting the usual Brittany's crying freak-out to commence any second.

Maybe coming here was a bad idea.

"What happened?" David asked from his spot on the bed. He turned his body so his bare legs hung over the bed railing to face her.

Kurt and Rachel looked up as if they forgot David was in the room.

"I told her I loved her." Brittany felt the words stumble out of her mouth. She wasn't sure she had wanted to share that much with them.

Rachel was standing. "You what?!"

By the look on Rachel's face she knew she had heard her and even worse it just confirmed that it was a huge mistake. She moved too fast and she probably scared Santana away.

How could she have been so stupid?

"It just came out. We were-" Brittany froze. "-doing things and I just felt it and I just said it. I should have known she'd be freaked out and I shouldn't of known she wasn't ready-

"Do you?" David asked calmly.

Brittany blinked at him.

"Do you love her?" David clarified.

Brittany didn't have to think about it, she just nodded. "But I should have waited. It was stupid and I-"

David held up his hand to stop her. "It's a scary and confusing thing."

When she searched for David's eyes she found them looking at the back of Kurt's head.

"I've seen the way Santana looks at you." David said. "She trusts you. And she might not be together enough right now to realize it but she loves you. I know she does. Have you talked to her about it?"

"No, she kind of freaked out last night and her phone's been off all day." She said.

David looked down at the ground. "Well you're going to talk to her later and you're all going to figure this out because you're one of those destined to be together type of couples." He said.

Brittany looked back at Kurt.

David caught her glance and his eyes went wide. It was one of those "secret's out" sort of looks.

David started choking on air.

"Are you okay?" Kurt said. He walked over to the side of David's bed and started to pat him on the back.

The phone on the side of the bed started to ring before David could respond.

They all stared at the beige hospital phone as its ringing continued to fill the room. They exchanged a glance and stared back at David.

"What?"

"It's _your_ phone." Kurt said.

"Is it?" He asked. "That's the first time that thing has rung since I've been here."

"Seriously?" Rachel asked.

"Everyone just calls my cellphone." David added.

On the third ring Rachel stepped forward and picked up the phone. She brought it to her ear and paused.

"Hello David's hospital room." She said.

* * *

><p>Visiting her mother had been a relief. Her mother already seemed so different. Santana could see the spark of life in her mother's eyes again. But she spoke with an entirely different level of comfort and confidence.<p>

It was also really nice to have her mother and father in the same room for the first time in years.

Maybe they had a chance.

She slid into her side of the car and almost slammed her face into her father's cell phone. She looked back at the outstretched hand.

"Call your Brittany." He said.

Santana frowned. "I don't remember her number." She gestured to her purse which held her phone and its stupid dead battery.

He brought the phone back, she had expected him to slip it back into his pocket and start up the car. Instead he punched in some digits. He handed the phone to her, holding it up to her ear.

It was ringing.

She looked back at her father.

"It's your friend's hospital line." He said. "He can find her for you."

Santana took the phone and brought it to her ear.

Someone answered on the third ring. "Hello David's hospital room." It was Rachel.

Perfect.

"Hey, it's Santana. I was wondering if I could get Brittany's number. My phone died and I-" She paused. It was hard to explain everything without explaining everything. "I really need to talk to her."

"She's here actually." Rachel said. "Should I put her on?"

"Please." Santana pretty much shouted it immediately, which probably made her sound pathetic.

But she didn't really care about that.

"Do you want a cup of coffee?" Her dad whispered.

She nodded.

He was out of the car before he could take an order.

A sad, sweet voice was now speaking into the phone. "Santana?"

"Brittany, Can we talk? In person?"

* * *

><p>Dr. Williams wasn't anything she had expected him to be. She was kind of expecting a super dorky version of Richard Simmons. Instead he just looked so average, normal even. He was middle aged, maybe a couple of years younger than her father and he was dressed in a button down purple shirt and a pair of dark dress pants. He didn't smile when he talked to her but he didn't frown either. He watched Santana with this absorbing look as if was carefully considering everything Santana said or did.<p>

It felt like she was talking to a doctor more than a friend, and for some reason what was helpful. Like everything she said was taken professionally as part of a larger medical picture then judged based on what moral code she was or wasn't breaking. After the first half hour of their session Santana was actually starting to feel like she was opening up. She liked the way her studied her.

It was as if he really cared.

Maybe he did.

"So, would you say you've been intimate with a lot of men?" Dr. Williams said.

Santana felt his eyes on her again as she considered the question. What did intimate mean? It felt like a much more powerful word than a euphemism for sex. There was the hint of a smile in Dr. Williams' eyes, like he had expected her to be confused by his question.

"Let me rephrase, would you say you've had sex with a lot of men?" Dr. Williams said.

Santana nodded. At least that question was a straightforward one. His hint of a smile returned and she felt his eyes staring through her like all of her secrets were written on her forehead

She shifted uncomfortably from her position on the plush couch.

"You see those as two different things, sex and 'being intimate'." Dr. Williams said. "Why is that?"

Santana suddenly felt at a loss for words it was one of those things that was so obvious like asking to describe the color orange or explain feeling happy. "Sex is sex." She said

Dr. Williams paused for a beat. Santana was starting to feel that her answer was too small. Maybe she should have included more, but Dr. Williams spoke before she could think of anything else to add to her response.

"And why do _you_ have sex?" He asked.

She wasn't sure why she had to explain sex to a doctor.

"To feel good." Santana said.

"So after you had sex with these men, you felt good?" He asked.

"Not after." Santana corrected.

"Then when?" He asked with raised eyebrows.

Seriously did she have to draw diagrams?

"During." She said.

"But how did you feel after?" He asked.

Santana looked down at her hands. "I don't feel anything."

Dr. Williams waited until Santana met his eyes again. "I can tell just by your response that you _do_ feel something." He said.

Santana swallowed. It was true. She did feel something that she kept buried deep in the pit of her stomach. It compacted in the core of her being every time the lips and skin stopped touching was why she couldn't look them in the eye after or even during.

She had buried the feeling so deep she wasn't sure she knew what it was anymore.

"What do you feel Santana?" He pressed.

"Bad." Santana said. It was the only name she could attribute to the feeling. It had been buried so long she wasn't sure could describe it anymore.

Dr. Williams nodded. There was another hint of a smile there. It felt reassuring, maybe she was making progress.

She didn't feel like she was making progress anymore.

She felt worse actually.

"Shame." She added to the list. She suddenly felt overwhelmed by the felling.

"Do you remember the first time you felt shame after having sex?" Dr. Williams said.

Santana nodded immediately. That was an easy one.

"The first time I ever had sex." She said.

"Did you care about this person?" Dr. Williams said.

Santana shook her head.

"Then why did you have sex with him?" Dr. Williams asked.

"Because I wanted to." Santana choked on the words. Tears threatened at the side of her face.

"It doesn't really seem to me like you really wanted to have sex with any of these people, Santana." Dr. Williams said.

"No I-" Santana stared back down at her hands. "I wanted to care about him."

She looked up into Dr. Williams' eyes. He was studying her closely, waiting for her to continue.

"All my friends kept talking about all these guys they were seeing and how they felt when they kissed and how they felt just to be around them and I didn't feel that for anyone. I just wanted someone I could connect with and I thought that if I kept trying, then maybe I'd find someone. Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone" Santana couldn't stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks.

Dr. Williams watched her carefully.

There was a soft ringing sound. Santana glanced around. She looked up at Dr. Williams his mouth was held in a tight attempt of a smile.

"It's my secretary." He said off-handedly. "We use the bell as a less disruptive way to tell me my next appointment is here."

"Oh." Santana looked up at the clock.

Wait.

"It's not really a big deal." Dr. Williams said calmly even when Santana was standing.

"No, I'm supposed to meet a friend." Santana said. "I'm sorry we went over."

Dr. Williams just smiled his tiny little smile. He stood up and went to lead Santana out the door. "It might not feel like it but we made a lot of progress today Santana."

Santana nodded without looking up into Dr. Williams' eyes.

Then she practically ran out the door.

She checked the time in her car just to make sure it was right. She had to meet Brittany for lunch at Breadstix in half an hour.

Breadstix was across town and stopping at home to shower and change was definitely going to make her late.

But she suddenly felt so dirty.

* * *

><p>Her body skin was still red and raw from the scalding shower but she still felt disgusting. And she couldn't find anything to wear.<p>

She wore those jeans to that party that one time she slept with that stupid high school jock that now worked at Rite Aid. She threw the jeans into her hamper.

She wore that shirt the night she went home with that random guy from the bar. She couldn't remember his name. She threw that shirt in the hamper too.

She started to empty her closet of all the clothes she had worn on those nights.

It seemed like it was every article of clothing she had.

She had never felt so disgusted with herself.

After a while she didn't even bother checking to see which shirt was which, none of her clothes were clean enough to wear when she was with Brittany.

But it didn't matter.

She couldn't scrub her skin clean enough for Brittany to touch anyway.

"Santana?" Her voice echoed through Santana's mind just to torture her further. Santana pushed the sound along with all the other thoughts of Brittany to the back of her mind and returned to her quickly emptying closet.

"Santana what are you-" The voice was too real, the body edging closer to her was too warm. Santana looked up into warm blue eyes.

Brittany let out a gasp. Her hands reached for Santana's face, grabbing it before she could pull away. Brittany's thumbs wiped away the wetness from Santana's cheeks.

She hadn't even realized she'd been crying.

"Santana." Brittany said in her soft caring voice. "What happened?"

Santana closed her eyes.

"I did everything wrong." She said. "I let all those people touch me and I didn't want them to."

She tucked her head into the crook of Brittany's neck. She wasn't sure if it was the safety she felt in Brittany's embrace or the need to get out all the things her appointment had churned up but she felt the words flowing out of her.

"But I let them." Santana said. "I let them touch me because I thought I was supposed to let them and I thought something was wrong with me."

"Shh." Brittany cooed. Brittany ran her fingers through Santana's hair.

Santana felt more love in Brittany's comforting touches then she had felt in anything else her entire life.

**/* **

**Author's Note:**

** I really love the feedback I get from you guys regarding this story. It means more than me than anything. Of course I write mainly because I just love writing but when I hear how much a story's content means to some readers it makes it a million times more worth it. So thanks to all those that read, review and follow. Seriously the reviews and messages and posts brighten my day every time. Love you all! **

***/**


	18. CrossRoads

**/* The song **_**Beautiful Things by Gungor**_** is featured in the last section of this fic. You might want to listen to it. */**

Brittany wasn't going to let go until she felt Santana's breathing ease against her shoulder.

She ran her hands against the bare skin of Santana's back drifting down against the rough cotton still wrapped around her, she traveled back up to the silky smooth skin and then repeated the motion. She felt Santana nestle into her shoulder. It was the first time in a while that Brittany felt like she was finally accomplishing something. Santana was starting to feel safe in her arms and that, more than anything, felt like progress.

She for once felt like Santana could block out all the bad things people said about her and Brittany's relationship.

The opinions of people who didn't know her, who didn't know them, didn't matter.

All that mattered was the warmth of Santana in her arms.

_Thump._

_Thump._

_Thump._

Brittany jolted. Santana let out a huff and peeled herself away from Brittany. She gave her a thankful smile before she slipped out of the bedroom. Brittany followed her, stopping at the foot of the stairs as Santana reached to pull open the front door.

_Thump._

_Thump._

_Thump._

Brittany watched Santana's hand wrap around the door knob. She wanted so badly to stop her, to pull her away. She felt that nagging sensation at the pit of her stomach that something bad was hiding behind that door.

Brittany knew there were people out there that didn't approve of her lifestyle and people that would hate her without knowing who she really was but when the brown eyes of the older woman locked onto hers, she had never seen hate so obvious

"¡Es Verdad!" The woman hissed. She pushed her way into the house, the force knocked Santana backwards.

Brittany saw the little hint of a grimace on Santana's face.

"Abuela?" The softness in Santana's voice reminded Brittany of a child.

"I spoke to Father Jerry." Her Abuela's eyes shot back up to Brittany.

Brittany was wondering if she was just speaking English for her sake. She wished she wouldn't. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear or understand anything this woman was about to say.

She wished Santana couldn't hear or understand it either.

"Please tell me it isn't true Santana." She hissed.

It was more of an order than a 's eyes drifted to the ground.

"Is it her?" She glared.

Brittany's feet felt frozen on the stairs.

"Yes." Santana said quietly.

Two pairs of eyes shot to Santana. There was a fire there caused by determination that Brittany hadn't seen before.

"No." Her Abuela said. "No, No, No."

Brittany watched Santana's expression slowly fade. The little resolve and determination she had gained was falling under her Abuela's coming rejection. Brittany felt little pieces of her heart break with the passing of every second.

"I love her." Santana said.

The words were cracked and broken. Barely audible, but that didn't matter, Brittany had heard them.

_She loved her._

"You don't." Her Abuela countered. "You can't. You need to be strong, Santana. For God, For your family."

"I love her." Santana repeated. Her voice grew in volume but Brittany could see Santana struggling to hide the quiver of her lips.

There was a beat, a deafening silence. The air felt thick with hope and despair. Maybe Santana's fear was unfounded, maybe her Abuela could accept Santana for who she was. Brittany could hear Santana's heart pounding against her chest as sure as she could hear the ticking of the clock. Or was it the sound of her own heart?

Maybe it was both.

Santana's heart belongs to her now. Hers to Santana.

When one heart beat the other did too.

When one heart broke, the other was shaken to its very core.

There was a flash of tan and the jerk of a hand. Santana flinched then her body stood quivering as Santana tried her best to keep her composure. Brittany still stood frozen at the top of the stairs trying to understand what had just happened. She watched as the elderly woman reached for the knob of the front door with her left hand.

There was a gold chain dangling between her fingers, the familiar gold cross dangling in mid-air.

Brittany heard the women mutter something under her breath before she disappeared into the bitter cold winter.

There was the hum of an engine and the screeching of tires against asphalt. The pair still watched the empty spot where Santana's Abuela had stood. The shock was still radiating through the pair. Its one thing to fear it and even to prepare for it but once it happens.. No matter how worried Santana had always seemed Brittany had always clung to this shred of hope that maybe things would be different for her. Maybe Santana had just been to cautious.

But here they were.

After a moment Brittany walked down the remaining steps to stand next to Santana. She placed a cautious hand on her shoulder. Santana jolted from her thoughts.

Santana let out a steadying breath. Brittany could see her lips quiver from the pain she was masking. She wished she'd stop trying to do that.

She wished someone told Santana that sometimes you need to fall apart to put the pieces together.

She placed a kiss on Santana's cheek.

"I love you." Brittany whispered.

She watched Santana's mouth flounder. It broke her heart to have seen Santana lose the words so soon after finding them.

But that didn't matter. She didn't need those three simple words.

Words were just words.

Right?

* * *

><p>The clothes that Brittany had forced her into did nothing to help how naked she felt. There was a hole around her neck. She felt like her skin was discolored in the spots that the necklace was supposed to sit. She knew when she walked out into the world, people would see it and they would know why it was taken away. They would judge her before they even met her.<p>

She had worn that necklace for most of her life. It was a piece of her. Something she had seen in the mirror every day. It represented so much to her.

Her family.

Her Abuela.

Her faith.

She had lost so much already and she was going to lose so much more.

Things she would have if she could just be straight.

It would be so much easier.

It would stop her feeling like this.

She would trade everything to make this feeling stop.

Even Brittany.

_No. _

She didn't mean that.

A sob choked in the back of her throat. Her hands balled into tight fists. Her nails dug into the soft skin of her palm.

She wouldn't trade Brittany. Brittany was her only comfort, the only consistency she's had in this miserable life.

The girl whose lap she was laying in.

The girl who owned the fingers combing gently through her hair.

The girls whose voiced cooed reassuringly into her ear.

All of it was Brittany.

The guilt from the thought piled into the pit of her stomach. This was a feeling she couldn't pray away, not anymore. She couldn't ask God for forgiveness for the ungrateful thoughts or the stupid actions. She was alone. She couldn't ask for strength. She wouldn't bother anyway. She wasn't one of God's people anymore. She was a mistake. She was a sin. She wasn't supposed to find comfort in another woman's arms. She had lost the cross because she didn't deserve to wear the symbol anymore.

She was gay.

She was gay.

Oh God, She was gay.

"Hey." Brittany hands wrapped around the taunt fingers, she slowly pried the fists apart. Santana's hands instantly loosened on Brittany's touch. Her fingers eased and she relaxed into Brittany's warm caresses.

Brittany ran her fingers over the half-moon marks scratched into Santana's hand.

"I know-" Brittany started.

Santana turned her head in Brittany's lap to look up into unsure blue eyes. Brittany pulled her eyes away, instead she watched as her fingers worked patterns into Santana's hand.

"I don't know what its like- to have someone treat you like that and I know your Abuela means a lot to you." Brittany said. "But people can't do this to you just because you're being… you."

The blue eyes came back to her. She could see her own misery mirrored back. That somehow made it worse. She hurt and it was terrible but to see Brittany on the verge of tears.

Her Abuela had broken some part of Brittany too.

Santana sat up, her fingers fumbling for the chain around her neck.

She had forgotten that it wasn't there anymore.

Brittany's eyes drifted instantly to Santana's bare neck.

"I'm sorry she took your cross." Brittany said. "I know that meant a lot to you, too."

Santana fingers fell to making patterns in the fabric of the couch. "I shouldn't be wearing it anymore anyway."

"Why?" Brittany's head whipped back up to Santana's eyes. Santana jumped at the sudden motion.

Wasn't the answered obvious?

Brittany reached underneath her shirt and pulled out a small silver pendant attached to a thin chain. Santana had never seen it before. She wondered if it had always been buried underneath Brittany's shirts.

It was the tiniest of silver crosses. It just plain silver and about the size of a nickel but it was wavy and bubbly.

It was just… so Brittany.

She had never pegged Brittany as a religious girl. She knew she went to the church sometimes but she didn't think she would wear a cross, not when she seemed so comfortable in her sexuality.

How could she do both?

Brittany reached behind her back and unhinged the chain. Before Santana could react, Brittany was reaching around to hook the necklace behind her back.

Santana felt the metal against her skin. It felt strange, foreign but welcoming.

"I can't take your cross." Santana said. She moved to take it off and give it back but Brittany grabbed her hands to stop her.

"It's a loan." Brittany said with a smile. "But I charge-" Brittany tilted her head upwards. "-That thing-" She started to snap her fingers. "-that thing were you pay more later."

"Interest?" Santana asked.

"That." Brittany said. Her smile grew. "I charge interest."

Santana couldn't help but laugh. "Thank you." She worked her fingers over the new jewelry around her neck. It still felt weird. Heavier somehow.

"I also wanted to ask you something." Brittany said. Her tone was suddenly serious.

Santana nodded. "Anything."

"I want to you to come to Youth Group with me." Brittany said. "I think you'll like it."

Santana balked. She had gone to the same Catholic Church her entire life. She had known nothing different. She didn't know what other churches did or didn't do. All she did know was she wasn't welcome at her family church anymore.

How could this place welcome her?

But the trust and hope in Brittany's blue eyes gave her all the confidence she needed when she nodded her head. Brittany pulled Santana into a suffocating hug.

"You'll like it." Brittany said. "I promise."

* * *

><p>Brittany felt something vibrating against her thigh. She pulled away from Santana and pulled the culprit device out from her pocket.<p>

"It's Kurt." She pressed the mute button and turned her attention back to Santana.

"You can answer it if you want." Santana said.

Brittany waved the idea off. She leaned back against Santana. "He's probably just calling to see how our lunch date went."

"Oh." Santana said.

Brittany felt her stomach growl at the reminder that she hadn't eaten yet.

Santana let out a laugh. "Are you hungry?"

Brittany smiled. "Nope, that's just the dinosaur that lives in my stomach." Brittany curled into Santana's side and laid her head against Santana's shoulder. "He says hi."

Brittany felt Santana's shoulder rise and fall from another short laugh.

She wished Santana could laugh forever. She made the cutest noises when she laughed.

Though she'd probably get tired after a while.

Brittany felt her phone vibrate again. Only once this time, signaling a text message.

With a reluctant sigh she pulled the phone from her pocket. She knew Kurt would be persistent if she didn't at least respond to one of his messages. But before she could read what it said her phone started to vibrate again.

This time it was Rachel.

Brittany decided to bite the bullet. She let out a sigh and hit the green button.

"Hello." Brittany said trying to channel her impatience.

"Are you by a television!?" Rachel asked. Rachel sounded frantic, but then again when didn't she? Brittany looked up at the blank television that was sitting across from them.

She didn't want to admit she was in front of ,what was probably a perfectly function, television at the moment. What if she was calling about another Streisand TV special? She wasn't sitting through another one of those.

"Why?" Brittany asked skeptically.

"David." Rachel said. "His interview is on TV. It's like on TV. Like people other than us can see it."

Brittany searched frantically for the remote. She felt Santana watching her with an adorable little confused expression on her face

"Like I know I shouldn't be upset that he got on national television before I did but it's not like I'd ever get featured on a sport network or anything." Rachel said. "Unless I got to sing the National Anthem..."

Brittany covered the receiver. "David." She said to Santana and pointed to the television hoping that Santana would take the hint.

Santana raised an eyebrow.

Brittany brought the receiver back to her ear and heard Rachel still talking. "- you know when's he's a famous footballer."

"Rachel." Brittany cut her off before it turned into an hour conversation about how David's television appearance could benefit Rachel's career.

"Hmm." Rachel said.

"We're going to watch the interview okay?" Brittany said.

"Oh sure." Rachel said. "Me, too."

Santana had found the remote and the TV was on. Brittany hung up the phone before she remembered to say goodbye.

"So who's got what interview?" Santana asked.

"ESPN is interviewing David right now apparently." Brittany said.

Santana punched two numbers on the screen and Brittany saw the little ESPN symbol flicker in the corner.

Brittany cast Santana a sideways glance.

"What?" Santana said defensively. "I watch ESPN sometimes."

Brittany tried to suppress a grin.

David's face lit up the screen and they flashed their attention to him.

"After being outed in college I wasn't ready to be known as just the gay football player. I just wanted to just be a football player like everybody else." David said. The camera panned back to the interviewer, a young man with perfectly combed hair in a dark suit and a red stripped tie. "But I realized that was never going to happen. So I walked away."

The camera panned back to the man in the suit. "But you're ready to come back?"

"Well I'm working on coming back. I'm starting training right now. That's why I'm here." David said. He gestured around him.

Brittany recognized the red and white decals. She had spent way too many Cheerios practices there to not. They were inside McKinley High School's gymnasium.

"What changed?" The interviewer asked.

David let out a sigh. "I spent some time at Love Can Win and-"

"Love Can Win? That organization that offers cures for homosexuality." The interviewer asked.

David looked away from the camera but he nodded.

"Yes, it's a terrible place that manipulates people into thinking that there's something wrong with them. I've always struggled with my sexuality, ever since high school but going there just made everything worse. That's actually how I got so involved with football. It was an outlet for all my frustration but Love Can Win was supposed to make everything better, it was supposed to make me straight so I could go back to a 'normal' life. But it just made everything worse." David said.

"How so?" The interviewer asked.

"I tried to commit suicide while I was there." David said. He looked up. Brittany realized he was showing off the bruises that were barely visible through the layers of makeup he was wearing.

The camera panned back to the interviewer who was silent for a moment.

"Do you think that was a wakeup call?" He asked.

"It was definitely a wakeup call." David said. "I am ready to embrace who I am and who I was born to be because the other option really isn't worth it."

"You do know, if you make it to the NFL, you'd be the only gay football player in the league." The man said.

David smiled. "I'd be the only out gay football player in the league."

"Do you think there are other gay professional football players?" The man asked.

David just shrugged.

The interviewer smiled for a second. "So, if you make it, do you think you could be an inspiration to down-on-their-luck LGBT athletes?"

David smiled a wide politician smile. "I think that, if I make it, I don't see why I couldn't be an inspiration to _all_ down-on-their-luck athletes."

The interviewer was wearing a smile just as big as David's. The camera panned out as David and the man in the suit stood up to shake hands. "Best of luck to you. I hope I'll see some more of your infamous big hits on ESPN's Top 10."

David's smile grew. "Me, too."

The scene faded to black and the camera was now on a pair of men sitting behind a desk. "So the former Buckeye is making his way back to the NFL. What do you think of that Kirk?" He turned his attention back to the other anchor.

"I'm excited." He said. "Did you see that one hit he had against Purdue in his last season?"

It looked like the other anchor cringed before he let out a hearty laugh. "That was a nasty one."

"Well, That was our exclusive interview with David Karofsky here on ESPN."

The program faded to commercial.

* * *

><p>It felt weird to be going to an event in just jeans and a nice shirt but Brittany had insisted that all of the clothes Santana picked from her usual Church attire were way too formal.<p>

Brittany seemed to think it was curious that Santana needed to get all dressed up just to walk into a church.

Santana didn't really have an answer for all her questions about why that was. It was what she always did. She had always assumed it was some sort of respect thing.

Brittany didn't seemed to understand why she thought God needed to see nice clothes to know you loved and cared about Him.

She stopped asking questions after a while mainly because she could probably tell that Santana didn't have the answer. Sometimes things were the way they were.

As they walked up to the modest building Santana made note of all the things that were already so very different. The building itself was much plainer Santana would describe it as less expensive looking, not that it looked like a rundown old shack or anything it was just less … ornate.

It actually made Santana feel less intimidated.

Then She wondered if that was on purpose.

She followed Brittany inside the building into the large open space. The first thing she noticed was that the pews were missing. Well they weren't missing they were pushed against the wall making walking room and space for folding chairs. She looked up at the stained glass windows that looped around the building. The scenes depicted on beautiful patterns of the glass were much less somber then the one's Santana remembered seeing. Back at her family church the scenes etched in the glass included Jesus with his crown of thorns instead they were pictures of Jesus reaching out to his followers, and an angel looking over his charges.

Another pattern in the window caught Santana's eye. There were brilliant patterns of color with a large white cross in the foreground. The setting evening sun made it look shades of blistering red and orange. It might have been one of the most beautiful things Santana had ever seen.

Well, Brittany excluded.

"Different than what you're used to huh?" A voice said.

It wasn't the voice she had expected to address her. She turned to the see a familiar face. It was the guy Brian she had met at the grocery store. But now instead of cans of food he was holding a guitar in his hand but he was still looking up at the stained glass window Santana had been appreciating.

He had to glance back at her before Santana realized he was waiting for an answer.

"Yes." She said.

"We try not to focus too much on suffering here." Brian said. "Not that there's anything wrong with that." He added. "Jesus died for our sins. But he taught us a lot of stuff too." Brian's eyes met

Santana's for a second before he looked back at another window. It was the window that depicted John 13, where Jesus washed the feet of his Disciples. "And sometimes if we focus too much on the suffering we forget about that other stuff." Brian added.

They stood in a short, considering silence.

"We start each group with a singing circle." Brian added.

Santana pulled her eyes away from the windows and saw Brian gesturing to a set of chairs that were already set up in a huge circle. Everyone else, including Brittany was sitting in their chairs. Santana noticed the open spot next to Brittany.

"A what?" Santana asked.

"You'll see come on." He gestured her to follow him.

Santana sat down in her seat next to Brittany. Her knees bumped Brittany's and she jerked away from the spark she always felt when their bare skin brushed. She couldn't have those feelings in here. She knew that much.

"We have a new guest today, guys." Brian said. "Let's welcome Santana."

Santana received a few warm smiles and some waves before Brian started strumming on his guitar.

_All this pain,  
>I wonder if I'll ever find my way,<br>I wonder if my life could really change at all._

Santana felt Brittany's hand tangle around her fingers. She jerked at the motion but she didn't pull her hand away. She'd give Brittany at least this if she wanted it.

She deserved so much more.

Santana half expected Brian to stop the music and to shun them out of the door. Santana would have said he didn't even notice except she noticed a smirk on his face.

The rest of the group seemed to know the song because she could hear them start to sing along. Some were singing louder than others and some looked like they were just shyly mouthing the words. She could hear Brittany's sweet singing voice next to her.

She was really starting to like this singing circle thing.

When they reached the chorus the fourth time Santana tried singing along, the lyrics really weren't that complicated.

_You make beautiful things,  
>You make beautiful things out of the dust.<br>You make beautiful things,  
>You make beautiful things out of us.<em>

The smiles sent in her direction somehow seemed a little bit warmer. Brian was still strumming on his guitar but he was smirking at her too.

Did she mess something up?

"I really like your voice." Brittany whispered into her ear after the song finished.

Santana vowed to write down and memorize every song so she could sing every single verse next time.

After the fifth song Brian placed his guitar behind his chair and looked out to the rest of the group.

"So does anyone have anything they'd like to talk about?" Brian said.

His eyes searched the group. Santana was happy to notice that the rest of the group was doing the same avoid eye contact thing that she was trying to do.

She heard Brian let out a laugh.

Santana saw a gir'ls hand shoot up. She was young probably not even in high school yet and she was tiny and skinny Santana would probably compare her to a twig. And she had the widest little eyes Santana had ever seen.

The poor girl was terrified.

Santana couldn't figure out what there was to be terrified of here.

"Melanie." Brian said with a nod of his head. The girl's hand gently fell from the air. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

Santana saw Brian cast her one of his reassuring smiles. He folded his hands patiently and dropped them on his lap.

She started her sentence a few more times before she seemed to change her mind. "Have-have you seen the commercials for Love Can Win? That place that cures gay people."

Santana felt her shoulders tighten.

There were commercials now?

Brittany's hand squeezed hers.

Brian waved her off. "We've been over this Melanie. You can't change sexuality just like you can't change that your hair is brown or your eyes are blue. It's part of who you are."

"You can dye your hair." A tall guy sitting next to the girl chimed in.

"Or you can wear those colored contact things." The boy sitting next to him added.

Brian shook his head. "Yes, you can cover up your true hair color or your real eye color but at the end of day when the dye wears off and you take the contacts our you'll still have brown hair and blue eyes right?"

The group nodded.

Brian turned back to Melanie. "Did you want to ask something else?"

The girl turned away bashfully from Brian. Santana saw her eyes pause over her and Brittany's tangled fingers.

Santana shifted her weight in her seat. If she couldn't handle the glares of a teenage girl how was she supposed to face the world? How was she supposed to ever look her Abuela in the eye again?

"Please ask it Melanie. Maybe someone else has the same question." Brian added.

"I – just." The young girl started. Santana felt the girl's eyes on her for a second before she whipped her head away. "The commercial said that the Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman. And my grandpa, h-he said that it's unnatural because man and woman were built a certain way. He-He said that same-sex couples can't create life because God didn't mean for them to be together."

The group went silent and everyone turned to Brian. He was watching Melanie.

"Melanie." Brian said kindly. He leaned back in his chair. "Have you studied the Anti-Miscegenation Laws yet in school?"

Santana could tell by the way Melanie's face contorted in confusion that the answer was a resounding no.

Come to think of it Santana wasn't even sure what the hell Anti-Miscegenation Laws even were either.

"In Colonial American, before the Civil War and even before the Revolutionary War there were laws in place preventing the marriages between races. These laws made mixed raced marriages and relationships not only unrecognizable but a federal crime. And they were not completely repealed until the 1960s after World War II."

Brian paused to look around to the rest of the group before he continued his story.

"Before the laws were repealed there we still supporters of the Anti-Miscegenation Laws. They cited a number of facts in their arguments against interracial marriage but do you know what they used a lot in their support?"

Santana looked around as the group shook their head.

"The Bible." Brian paused for effect. "The story of Phinehas from the Book of Numbers to be exact. It's the story of a High Priest of Israel who had executed an interracial couple under God's command. "

Brian paused for the story to take effect.

"1967 was less than 50 years ago. There are people alive today who, if they loved someone who wasn't their race, weren't allowed to get married. But I bet all of you think that a law against interracial marriage is wrong."

Santana nodded along with the rest of the group.

"So here we are in 2012 and it's the same thing again. The same laws citing ancient stories from the Bible. But you know what a lot of people forget to take into account."

Brian paused again.

"Love." He said.

"Marriage is between two people who _love_ each other. It isn't always nowadays but it should be. If you follow your heart and do the right thing by people then there's no way you can be sinful in God's eyes. Humans make the laws. Humans interpret God's message. And as we've seen, humans are fallible."

**/* Author's note: This Fic has been (and still is) an amazing adventure. I've met and spoken too so many amazing and inspiration people (you know who you are). Thank you all for kind words you always send my way. I've been posting some bts Good Girl stuff on my tumblr If you want to check it out. I'm post some stuff I find and use in my research for this story (just checkout out the Good Girl bts tag). It's diablovixen . tumblr . com if you didn't already know . As always thanks for reading, reviewing and following.*/**


	19. Confessions

**/*I want to dedicate this chapter postapocalypticcerialgirl who I somehow managed to kidnap and make my beta. I really struggled with this chapter and she really helped me get through it. Thank you so muchl!**

**Thanks for waiting the extra week. I know some of you said you look forward to it every Sunday. Sorry I let you guys down. **

**P.s. Check me out on Tumblr (same name as here) and Thank you for all your reviews and messages. Your stories and your strength really inspire me.**

**Read and Enjoy! :)**

** */**

Her arms wrapped around Santana's back and pulled her in closer. "I'm going to miss you." Brittany whispered.

Santana could feel Brittany tugging at the silver chain around her neck. This was a new habit Brittany had picked up after she had given Santana the cross a couple of weeks ago. When Brittany looked up she had the biggest pout on her face. Santana couldn't help but giggle.

"It's just for the weekend, Britt." She said. She rubbed Brittany's arms. "I'll be back Sunday." She added reassuringly.

But that did nothing to help Brittany's pout. It actually looked like it had gotten worse.

"Okay kids." Dr. Lopez bellowed as he walked down the steps carrying a worn leather overnight bag over his shoulder. Santana could see her father leaning against her car with an incredulous look on his face.

"Time to go." He said. His lips curled up into a smirk.

He jiggled Santana's keys in his hand and rounded the car to the driver's side door. Santana was pretty sure he was starting to love that car more than he loved her. She had made a joke about that once and he had gotten all sad and serious.

She never made a joke about that again.

"Have a nice visit with your mom." Brittany said. She pressed a quick peck to Santana's lips before she ran back to her car.

Santana watched Brittany's car disappear before she turned back to her father.

"Ready to go?" He tilted his head as he asked the question.

"Shut up." She whispered as she rounded the car.

She slid into the passenger seat and swallowed the lump in her throat. Here she was. She had been planning this trip for the past couple of weeks. She knew it was time to come out to her mother on her own terms. For the most part she thought about how nice it would be to sit down to dinner with her mom and dad and her girlfriend without having to worry about being secretive or being careful about pronouns. She wanted to be able to talk to her mom about relationship things. She wanted to be able to ask her mom about Valentine's Day because she had no idea what to do with this relationship stuff. Now she was only three hours away and she had nothing planned. She had thought about the reward, she had thought about everything she'd do when it all went right, she hadn't even thought about what she was going to say.

She had no idea what to say.

Santana steeled herself. Now she had three hours to figure it out. Three hours to decide how to explain something she wasn't sure _she_had completely figured out.

Just before her dad turned the key in the ignition his cellphone rang. His eyebrows raised before he brought the screen closer to his face. He brought the phone to his ear.

"Hello?" He whispered. "We were just lea-"

There was a pause.

The atmosphere in the car changed.

"Ok." Her father said with a breath.

Then he turned to face Santana and held out the device to her. He placed his hand over the mouthpiece and whispered. "It's your mother."

Santana took the phone and brought it to her ear. "Mom?"

"Hello Santana." Her mother said.

Her voice sounded so far away. She knew she was already three hours away but it felt so much further than that. Like her mother was calling her from another planet.

"I don't think I'm feeling up for _your_visit anymore, Santana." Her mother said.

Santana's heart sunk into her chest.

"But Mommy we-" she began.

"I just don't think I can see _you_ right now." Her mother said.

She knows.

That only meant one thing.

"Abuela came to see you didn't she?" The words stumbled out of Santana's mouth.

There was silence on the other end. She knew.

"Mommy." Santana begged. "Please just let me-

"I-" Her mother took a breath. "I just don't think it's best for you to come up right now, please Santana."

The muscles in Santana's arm gave out. The phone fell from her ear, her father took it from her and snapped it back to his own ear.

"Hello!" Her father's voice bit through the thick air.

Santana pushed her door open. She rounded the car to take her bag out from the backseat. She could hear her father's hushed voice hissing through the phone. She couldn't hear the words he was saying. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear them anyway.

They didn't matter anymore.

She had been working up the courage to go on this trip for two weeks. She had been playing the scenario over and over again in her head. The family dinners, the meet and greet. She even thought about the first time Brittany would make her mother laugh with one of her quirky jokes and the first handshake and the first time her mother would make her homemade guacamole and the chorizo that Santana had always bragged about.

But none of that mattered anymore because it was over. She was stupid to think that this would ever work out.

And she felt stupid for not seeing that coming.

She plopped down on the cold cement of the stoop. She could see her father talking animatedly in the driver's seat of her car.

Maybe this was better. Maybe it would be better to have her mother react like this when she was hundreds of miles away then have her react like that when Santana was sitting across from her. What if her mother ripped her cross from her neck too? It wasn't Santana's to lose this time.

But maybe it would have been harder for her mother to look her in the eye and make her leave. Maybe her mother would have been forced to listen if Santana was just there.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Santana couldn't live in a world of maybes. This was the reality, this was right now. And she had lost her mother and her Abuela.

Santana wasn't sure how long she had been sitting on the stoop when her father stepped out from the car. He leaned against the back of the door and gave a loud sigh.

He placed Santana's car keys back into her hand.

"I still have to go." He said.

Santana stared at his feet. She wondered if he'd have to make a choice again. She wondered if he'd pick her. Could she blame him for not picking her?

"But call Brittany." He said as he grabbed his bag from her car and dropped it into the backseat of his beat-up sedan. "Please." He added.

She wasn't even sure he was looking at her but she nodded anyway.

She watched the car until it turned off the street. She brought her phone out of her pocket and did exactly what he told her to do. She found the B's in her contact, moving on muscle memory alone and she hit the call button next to the familiar blonde face.

She shouldn't have expected Brittany to answer. As much as it seemed like Brittany had this magical ability to know what Santana was feeling before she even felt them. There was no way she could know what would happen. Brittany had said once that she always turned her phone off during rehearsal. So it shouldn't have shocked her when her phone went straight to voicemail.

"Hey, It's Santana." Her voice cracked. "I-" She stopped herself. She couldn't explain it. She couldn't put into words. If she said it, it was true. If she said it her world came crashing and that's all it did. Would everything ever be okay? She brought the phone quickly away from her ear and closed the line.

She just needed to relax. She needed to calm down, she could do this. She didn't need Brittany. She could do this.

She walked back into the house and stood in the empty hallway. She looked over to the kitchen. It was almost done, it still needed a few knick-knacks and a new table that was on order at the furniture store, but her dad had made a lot of progress.

Brittany and Santana helped somewhat. They were in the living room watching a stupid movie when they heard her dad hammering away. Once Brittany got over her fumbling nerves she was actually pretty handy. They managed to get the counters up in one night and the tiles set the next. But there was that one night and that one paint fight that caused her father to banish the pair from the kitchen forever. Now he would scowl at them anytime he found them tiptoeing in for a cup of water or a bag of chips. Sometimes Santana and Brittany thought it was funny. Other times they weren't sure if he was kidding and they scurried away before they could find out.

Santana didn't know what the big deal was. There was totally plastic on the floor and who wears their favorite pair of jeans to redo a kitchen? But then again he was in a really big hurry to get the kitchen done for mom.

They still didn't know when she was coming home but it seemed like it could be soon.

Her mom was getting better. Santana could hear it in her voice when they spoke on the phone. Her mother was different and the same all at once. She could hear the chipper tone in her voice when they spoke the previous weeks she remembered the voice of the woman from her childhood. For a second, Santana felt like she was getting her mother back.

And it was the best feeling in the world.

That's why the thought of driving up to Cleveland to come out to her mother was so exciting. She had heard the voice and knew her mother was back. Her old mother the one that was kind and gentle. She would never reject Santana. She loved her no matter what.

At least that's what she thought.

Santana trudged her way up the stairs to her bedroom. Her stereo had been her favorite possession for most of her teenage life. It was one of those giant stereos with the huge subwoofer that bounced when you turned it up too loud. She really only got to play with that feature at the store but once she saw the way it shook in the metal display case she had to have it. She rarely had the chance to use it. The rare moments when her mother left the house to go food shopping she would run upstairs and turn her favorite song up all the way. She would have to be careful. If her mother came home to the music blasting, a good day would turn to a bad day before she knew it. The few times she was careless and her mother was home before the music was off, the fights were intense and the fallout lasted for days but sometimes just for those few seconds of peace, it all seemed worth it.

She loved her music. She loved how someone else could explain how she was feeling in ways she never could. She loved how the bass and the drum and the guitar could drown out the world.

And sometimes she really needed to drown out the world.

She cranked the speakers as loud as she could. The music flooded through the house. Shaking the floor and clattering the picture frames that hung on Santana's bedroom wall.

Perfect.

Santana made her way to the bathroom and drew herself a nice, hot bath.

The music filling her ears and the water burning her skin did nothing to ease her nerves.

* * *

><p>That feeling.<p>

That feeling that something is off in the room.

That feeling that the air had shifted to make room for something big, something that wasn't there before.

Santana's eyes shot open, her eyes turned towards the door. They fell upon a body leaning against the door frame.

"Fuck." She shouted.

Water splashed over the side as she reached to cover herself from the intruder. The body stiffened. Santana's eyes shot up to meet blonde hair. Her heart slowed but her hands didn't move.

"I'm sorry." Brittany said. "I didn't know you were- ya know." Brittany gestured to the bathtub

Brittany's eyes drifted to Santana's hands and arms in the spots where they shielded her body from Brittany's view. Brittany's smile fell, she shifted and pulled her glance off Santana and looked up towards the corner of the bathroom.

They had been very much a couple these past few weeks but they barely touched anymore. There was this barrier between them that neither of them could cross.

Sometimes it felt like neither of them dared to try crossing it.

She kept her distance and she knew Brittany was only looking out for her when she shied away from touching and caressing and kept themselves away from bedrooms and bathrooms and awkward situations such as this. She knew Santana just needed time but Santana was starting to worry. How much time would she need? And when would Brittany stop waiting?

She was starting to feel guilty. She wasn't the girlfriend someone like Brittany deserved.

But she wished she was.

"What happened?" Brittany said.

Santana found Brittany's eyes fixed on her face.

"I got your voicemail after rehearsal." Brittany said.

"After?" Santana clarified. "What time is it?"

Brittany frowned. "It's a little after two." She said.

Santana felt like slapping her hand against the forehead. She had fallen asleep. She noticed the music wasn't playing anymore.

Did the playlist end or did Brittany turn it off?

"Why aren't you in Cleveland?" Brittany asked. She took a careful step forwards.

"Mi Abuela." Santana said she pulled her eyes away from Brittany and focused on her feet. "She got to my mom before I could."

Santana watched Brittany's feet cross the floor. She knelt down until her eyes were level with Santana's, she pulled Santana's chin so she looked up into those blue eyes.

She could see it. Brittany hadn't said it since that day with her Abuela. She knew Brittany was avoiding saying it. The last two times she had said it, Santana had a mental breakdown so she couldn't really blame the girl. But it didn't really matter, she could see it painted all over Brittany's face. Even if she didn't say it, even if Brittany caught herself before the words escaped her lips, she could see the 'I Love You's printed all over that one look that Brittany seemed to save only for her. She knew those looks were supposed to make her feel better, but it only seemed to make Santana feel worse.

Brittany pulled her eyes away and placed a lingering kiss on her forehead. It burned against Santana's skin.

"I'll be in the living room." Brittany said. Her tone laced with a new sadness that Santana had only just started to hear.

Another thing that Brittany seemed to be saving only for her.

* * *

><p>She followed Brittany into Rachel Berry's house. It was much of the same scenario as before except now it seemed like the party was much, much smaller.<p>

Brittany had thought it would be a good idea. She had said that she had already promised Rachel that she would come and that maybe getting out and seeing some friends would keep her mind off of everything that had been going on lately.

"Hey Brittany." Santana turned to hallway to see Sam walking towards them. "Hey Santana." He added with his usual wide grin.

Santana saw the body attached to his arm.

Mercedes.

"Hey Santana." Mercedes said. She had a shy smile on her face.

"Hey." Santana said with a breath.

She hadn't seen Mercedes since Quinn had dropped off their stuff and told her they couldn't be friends anymore. She was happy to have Sam and Brittany as a buffer. Mercedes had that look like she wanted to have a serious conversation and Santana had her fill of serious conversations for a long while.

"Hey Sam." Brittany said after she noticed the awkward interaction between Santana and Mercedes. "Hey Mercedes."

"We're heading out back." Sam said. "Puck is hosting a beer pong tournament."

"Outside?" Santana asked.

Sam frowned. "After the last party Rachel, sort of, refused to let us play any drinking games inside." He said.

"But it's like thirty degrees outside." Santana said.

Sam rubbed the back of his neck. "It isn't really that bad." He said. He turned to Brittany. "I kind of need my partner. Puck's been talking a lot of smack."

Brittany was looking at Santana before she answered. Santana gave her a nod. If Brittany wanted to hang out in below freezing temperatures to throw a stupid ball into a cup, that's her prerogative.

"Okay." Brittany said.

She pulled Santana towards the back door.

Wait what?

She was back outside and shivering before she could react. They found Puck and Finn setting up red solo cups on either ends of a fold-out table. Santana pulled her coat tighter around her shoulders as she shivered against the cold.

"Men." Mercedes muttered next to her.

Santana nodded in agreement before she leaned next to Mercedes against the house and watched the boys and Brittany start their game.

* * *

><p>Brittany would be lying if she didn't say that she hoped Santana would be impressed with her beer pong skills. Brittany was good. She knew she was good. It wasn't like it was a skill you can put on your resume but she was damn proud of her ability to school any of the guys, especially when one of those guys was Puck.<p>

Puck was a trash talker. He had always been but there was nothing better than wiping that smirk right off Puck's face.

And when Puck was losing badly, the more trash he talked and the sweeter the victory.

And tonight he was already four cups down.

"You're like a natural with those fingers." Puck said as Brittany lined up for her next shot. She gave Puck a warning glance.

That was her first mistake. She knew better then to show Puck a weakness. She pulled her eyes away and readied to take her shot.

"I mean I guess that makes sense. You have so much experience using them." Puck said just before the ball left Brittany's fingers.

The ball missed badly, it sailed over the table and landed in the grass at Puck's feet. He grinned before he bent down to pick it up.

"Come on, Puck." Sam said.

Puck just shrugged. "I'm just saying. Girl gets more action then I do."

Brittany stiffened. She was too afraid to turn around and gauge Santana's reaction.

"You're just upset the Brittany gets all the hot ones." Finn added.

"Can we just talk about something else?" Sam said as Puck lined up for his next shot. "Like how me and Brittany are crushing you two… Again."

Puck and Finn both frowned.

She had never been more thankful for Sam. She turned around to give him a smile when she noticed the empty spot next to Mercedes against the house.

Santana was gone.

* * *

><p>Santana threw her head back and let the liquid burn on its way down her throat. She slammed the shot glass back down on the counter and started to pour another.<p>

"What's with the shots, Santana?"

Santana hadn't expected that voice to find her alone in the kitchen. Not one bit.

She whipped around to see Mercedes standing at the edge of the kitchen. Mercedes was leaning against the refrigerator and staring at the glass that now had brown liquid sloshing over the edge and coating her hand.

"Why are you doing this?" Mercedes said. She took a step closer, her eyes trailed up from the glass in Santana's hands up to her face.

Santana felt her body deflate, she looked over Mercedes shoulder to make sure no one else was coming into the kitchen.. "She's been with so many other girls."

She didn't know why she was talking about it. She didn't know why she was saying this to Mercedes of all people.

"So…" Mercedes said.

"So she has all this experience-." Santana said. She let out a frustrated sigh. She was going to sound so pathedic saying this. "-and I have no idea what I'm doing."

Mercedes took the shot glass out of Santana's hand and placed it on the counter.

"If she's' dating you, she wants _you_." Mercedes said. The smirk grew across her face. "Plus, there's only one Santana Lopez."

Santana poured the rest of the brown liquid down the drain before she followed Mercedes back out to the beer pong game. She gave Brittany a shy smile before she took her place leaning back up against the wall.

* * *

><p>Santana stared down at her feet as she made her way up the path to Brittany's door. She hoped Brittany could attribute it to the ice and not Santana's nerves.<p>

Brittany was halfway through the door before Santana finally had the mind to say it. It wasn't suave or sexy like she had wanted it to me. She pretty much just shouted it.

"Would you mind if I came in?" Santana said.

Brittany froze her movements. Her head whipped around to look at Santana.

She watched Brittany's eyes rake up and down her body. She knew she was wondering if Santana was for real. Maybe she didn't even believe this moment was real.

Santana wasn't sure if she did either.

She let out a long breath. Brittany gave her a reassuring smile. Their fingers intertwined as Brittany pulled Santana into the apartment.

The apartment felt smaller and the air felt heavier but if she didn't think about it. If she didn't let the thoughts into her mind, if she just let her body do what it always knew to do then she would be fine. This is how she had gotten though it all those other times. She concentrated on her body. She let her instincts take over. The air didn't matter, the room didn't matter, the fear didn't matter.

She pulled Brittany down the hallway through the bedroom. She pushed Brittany up against the door.

She trailed kisses down Brittany's neck. She grabbed fistfuls of Brittany's shirt and readied to yank it over her head.

Brittany grabbed her wrists to stop her. "Please don't do that."

Brittany's hand reached up to grab her chin and turned Santana's head so she was forced to meet those dark blue eyes.

"Don't block everything out." Brittany said.

Santana had prided herself on having the best poker face. No one ever really knew what was going on inside her head.

No one except Brittany.

"I can feel it when you touch me." Brittany said as an answer to Santana's unspoken question. "Its like you're not inside your skin anymore."

Santana could feel the tears brimming at the edge of her eyes. She already felt so naked and she hadn't removed a single article of clothing. She couldn't have Brittany reading into her soul anymore, knowing her thoughts before she could even process them. It was too much.

She pulled her eyes away.

She just needed a second.

She sat down on the bed and held her face in her hands.

"I can't do this." Santana whispered.

She wasn't sure if she was talking to herself or to Brittany anymore.

"You don't have to." Brittany said. Santana felt the bed sinking below her. A strong arm wrapped around her shoulder and pulled her closer.

"No, I want to." Santana said. She looked up into Brittany's eyes. "I want to. It's not like we haven't done – stuff – before. But this feels different."

"What's different about it?" Brittany said.

"You." Santana said.

Brittany let out a low laugh. "I think I was there the last times. Unless Lord Tubbington has mastered human cloning."

Santana let out a breath. "No I mean-"

She pulled away from Brittany and stood up from the bed. She needed some distance before she spoke.

"Before it was about me getting off. It was doing things to someone so they would do something back but now all I can think about is _you_. I need to be better for_ you_. I need to touch _you_. I need to make _you_ feel good." Santana said.

Santana looked down at the ground. "You have all these people to compare it too and I'm fucking terrified that I won't be good enough for you."

Brittany was on her feet before the sentence escaped Santana's mouth. "It's not about that." Brittany spoke so quickly and fiercely that Santana took a step back.

Brittany's expression softened along with her tone. "Sorry, It's just that – I love you. And it's so frustrating that you don't believe that someone can love every piece of you. It's not about sex with you Santana. It's about being with you. It's about sharing every little piece of yourself with someone that you love."

"And you don't have to be a dominatrix between the sheets." Brittany said. "We'll get there with practice." Brittany added a wink.

Santana couldn't help the laugh that echoed off the walls of the bedroom.

"I love you." She said with a satisfied sigh. She froze at the sound of her own words. She hadn't really expected those words to come out of her mouth. They weren't suave or romantic like she had imagined them to be. They just stumbled out like a confession. She looked up at Brittany's wide smile.

"I love you, too." Brittany grabbed her wrists and pulled her towards the bed.

* * *

><p>Brittany felt Santana stirring next to her. She laid her head against Santana's bare chest.<p>

"Wake up." Brittany pouted.

"Still asleep." Santana said with her eyes still shut tight. "Please try again later."

"You're lying." Brittany said. She leaned up to poke Santana's boob.

Santana's eyes shot open. She rubbed the spot where Brittany's finger had pressed.

"Seriously?" Santana said. Even though Santana was trying to sound serious Brittany could hear the laugh in her voice.

"I'm hungry." Brittany said. She laid her head back down on Santana's chest.

"Well let's go eat." Santana said. She slid out from underneath Brittany and the blankets covering Santana's bare body fell to the bed. Brittany's eyes couldn't help but wander.

"I don't really have any food." Brittany said to Santana's chest.

"I have pancake mix at home." Santana said. "But we have to hurry before my dad gets home and remembers we're banished from the kitchen."

Brittany let out a laugh. "It was only a little paint." She said.

"I'm going to borrow some clothes." Santana said. "You seem to have some trouble remembering where my eyes are."

Brittany jumped to her feet and grabbed Santana's arm before she could turn away. She wrapped her arms around Santana's back and pulled her closer.

"Five more minutes." Brittany grumbled before she buried her head into Santana's chest.

Brittany felt Santana's chest rise and fall with a laugh.

"Okay." She mumbled into her hair.

* * *

><p>"We have to hurry." Santana whispered to Brittany her dad still wasn't home but she still felt like they were being sneaky. She pulled down the pancake mix from the new cupboards.<p>

Santana found the waffle maker in the back corner of the bottom cabinet. She felt pleased with the gasp that Brittany released as soon as she saw it.

"Oh my God!" Brittany said. "You are my most favorite person."

Santana wished she had better control on the stupid dork grin that she knew she had on her face.

Brittany started pulling down the bowls she knew were hidden in the top cabinets and grabbing spoons. Santana was content to lean against the counter and watch Brittany mix the batter.

Apparently Brittany wasn't.

At first Santana was confused by the mischievous smirk Brittany threw over her shoulder. But then Brittany's hand was reaching into the pancake mix and Santana was engulfed in a white cloud.

Santana stood, frozen in shock as the powder coated her face and the front of her, actually Brittany's, shirt.

"You didn't." Santana said. She wiped the powder from around her eyes.

Brittany just shrugged and turned back to her work mixing the ingredients.

There was no way Brittany thought she was just going to get away with that.

But Brittany didn't seem to notice Santana's hand reaching into the bag and she definitely didn't notice Santana's hand retracting with a fistful of pancake mix until it was too late. She pulled back Brittany's sweatpants and dropped the powder.

Brittany let out a gasp but she reacted quickly.

She reached for more mix and cornered Santana in the kitchen. Santana tried to run but Brittany grabbed her and tackled her to the ground. They struggled on the floor, white powder started to coat brand new tiles. Brittany lifted up the neck of Santana's shirt. Santana fought against Brittany's strong arms but she was no match and the powder was already coating her chest and neck.

The front door slammed shut. The pair looked up to meet the figure standing near the threshold of the kitchen.

She knew it was her father even from her upside down angle on the floor. She had expected him to make a half-joking, half-stern reminder about their kitchen banishment and then laugh off the ridiculous mess they made. But instead he just stood with his arms crossed and a stoic look on his face.

Santana turned under Brittany's legs and looked up at the figure standing behind him.

"Mom?" Santana whispered.


	20. Revelations

**/* The Song in This Chapter is "Forgiveness" by Matthew West*/**

Brittany's dad used to tell her about the first time he had met her mom's parents. He had rented a suit that ended up being two sizes too small and he only owned these green dress socks that poked through the bottom. He had to suck in his stomach the entire time so he didn't rip open his jacket. They later told him that they thought he was holding in gas the entire time.

They laugh about it now.

Brittany really hoped they were going to laugh about _this_ someday.

But today definitely wasn't that day. She wasn't sure why she hadn't moved yet. She wasn't sure why she was _still_ straddling Santana with her hand down her shirt.

She was pretty sure she was frozen in fear.

She looked up at Dr. Lopez knowing she could at least find an ally in him but it didn't seem like that was the case anymore. His face was stoic and serious. It was the look Brittany hadn't seen since that time she first met him at the grocery store. His arms were crossed so tight in front of his chest that Brittany was starting to wonder if he could even breathe like that.

Brittany was just starting to realize that her skin was touching Santana's in all the wrong places.

Well, it was all the right places five minutes ago. When all she could think about were flashes of last night.

Her lips against Santana's chest.

Santana's nails scrapping down her back.

She looked back down at Santana and found herself wondering if Santana had just been thinking the same things. Maybe that was why they both seem to feel like they just got caught doing it on the kitchen floor when they were actually doing something really innocent.

Brittany watched Santana's eyes dart back to the petite figure standing next to Dr. Lopez.

Her mother was here. Brittany couldn't think of many worse ways to meet Santana's mother for the first time.

Well, she could think of the worst ways. She was imagining them right now and that was part of the problem. Brittany jumped to her feet. After she helped Santana get to her feet she looked back over at Santana's mother.

She was a small lady with a petite frame. But what Mrs. Lopez lacked in size, she made up for with the most intimating glare Brittany had ever seen. Brittany was sure her body had physically recoiled every time she thought the glare was going to shift over to her.

And she was always thankful when it didn't.

"Mom." Santana whispered again. Santana spoke like she was begging someone to cut the wires on a bomb before it denotated.

Brittany prayed that the bomb didn't go off. But Brittany felt like she could already hear the ticking.

"I think it's time for _her_ to go." Mrs. Lopez continued to ignore Brittany as she spoke.

"What?" Santana shot back. Brittany could hear the bite in Santana's voice.

She wasn't sure where the ticking was coming from anymore.

"It's time for your _friend _to leave." Mrs. Lopez crossed her arms tightly across her chest.

Brittany shifted on her feet. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do when she was being simultaneously ignored and discussed at the same time.

"I think we need some family time." Mrs. Lopez added.

Brittany chanced a glance to Dr. Lopez but only saw his face completely expressionless. His eyes were trailed on the ground. If he didn't see what was happening he wasn't responsible to stop it.

"You can't talk to her like that." The waver in Santana's voice betrayed her. Brittany felt the way Santana tried to stiffen her shoulders next to her. It killed her to see the way Santana was failing to find her voice and her strength.

How many more people would she have to fight?

Brittany saw the way Dr. Lopez's eyes glance upward quickly and Brittany found herself wondering if he feels any guilt for bringing Mrs. Lopez back. She wondered if he feels any guilt for watching his daughter struggle.

"While you're under_ my_ roof, you will follow _my_ rules." Mrs. Lopez's voice shook with anger. She still refused to look in Brittany's direction like she was something not worth looking at, like she was something too disgusting for Mrs. Lopez to even see.

"Dad's roof." Santana said. Her voice is threatening.

Brittany's eyes shot over to Santana just to make sure she was hearing her right.

"It's not _your_ roof. You haven't worked a day since he died." Santana said as she took a few steps toward her mother. They were a couple of feet apart by the time Santana stopped.

Part of Brittany wanted to stop Santana. She wanted to reach out and grab her before she said or did something to make it worse. But another part of Brittany was so frozen with confusion and fear that she can't move. She was just forced to watch the events as they unfolded.

"This is Dad's house." Santana snarled.

Brittany is shocked to see the way Mrs. Lopez's shoulders deflated. It was so obvious and so visible that the purse strap hung on her shoulder began to fall. She reached across her body to adjust it.

Santana's face flinched away from the hand as if she was expecting it to be laid across her cheek. Brittany watched the way Santana tried to shake it off. The way Santana's head whipped back to it's normal position. By the way Santana's eyes jerk around nervously, Brittany could tell that Santana was trying to see if anyone had noticed.

Dr. Lopez's eyes jerked upward, a sudden fire lights behind his eyes and it's obvious that Santana's recovery did nothing to hide the meaning behind the movement.

Santana has been hit before.

And Brittany was pretty sure it's happened more than once.

A strangled cry escaped Mrs. Lopez's mouth. She reached up too late to block the noise.

Dr. Lopez swallowed thickly.

But still no one said anything.

The silence was so thick, so intense and so threatening that Brittany was sure she was going to suffocate. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. She just wished she could take back all the things that kept happening to Santana. She wished she could store them in a box so Santana would never have to see them or deal with them again.

Those were silly wishes.

Santana pulled away from the group and sprinted up the stairs before anyone could react. Brittany finally met eyes with Dr. Lopez and saw the shame hidden there.

Brittany followed Santana up the stairs and found her lying on her bed. Santana had her hands buried into her eyes. Brittany eased herself next to Santana. She reached out to pull the hands back but Santana wouldn't budge.

"Santana." Brittany said gently before she gave her hands another gentle tug. Santana body released to Brittany's voice, she finally gave in an let Brittany pull her hands away.

Once Santana's hands were free Brittany could see the tears brimming in her eyes. Brittany leaned in and placed a soft kiss to Santana's forehead. Santana's body reacted a second time and Brittany could see the tension ease in her body.

At least for a second.

Brittany pulled back to look back into Santana's wet brown eyes and decided a second wasn't long enough. She threw her leg around Santana's hips, shoved her hands between Santana and the mattress and she attached her lips to Santana's forehead.

There was a noise from the hallway. Brittany pulled away to find Mrs. Lopez standing in the doorway. Her arms were still folded across her chest but it looked more like she was hugging her body then shielding herself.

Brittany wasn't sure if it's that or something else, but for some reason she seemed less intimating.

Brittany looked back down at Santana. "I have to get to dance." She said. She placed a chaste kiss to Santana's lips. "Are you going to be okay?"

Santana nodded but Brittany still felt reluctant to leave. She pulled herself away holding onto Santana's hand until the very last second when she eased past Mrs. Lopez and left.

* * *

><p>Santana braced herself as soon as heard the sound of the front door closing. She had expected her mother to come in and start another rant. She had expected another blow-out and even though her mother didn't seem that religious anymore, Santana had expected shouts of God and sin and morality.<p>

But she heard nothing but silence.

She eased her eyes and found her doorway empty. Santana rose from her bed, her feet led her to the one place she knew she'd always find her mother.

Dominic's bedroom had been left completely untouched after his death. His bed was still unmade, the clean clothes he was supposed to put away were still piled in the far corner. It had turned into a sort of shrine to him. They usually kept the door closed. Santana was pretty sure it was because she wasn't the only one who felt like a fresh tear ripped in her heart anytime she peaked into the open door.

She pushed the door open gently and found her mother sitting on the bed.

Santana saw her playing with a tiny silver object in her hand. As she stepped closer she realized that it was a plain silver cross.

"It was Dominic's." Her mother said without looking up.

"I always keep it in my purse." Her mother added.

Santana nodded in understanding. She watched the silver chain raveling around her mother's fingers.

"I expected great things for my kids." Her mother broke through the silence. She was speaking down to the necklace instead of looking up at her daughter. "I expected them to get married and to raise beautiful children. I expected them to have a family. But I already lost my son and now I feel like I'm losing my daughter-"

"I can still have all those things." Santana countered.

Her mother looked up. "How? How can you do _any_ of those things?"

She pulled her eyes away and stared back down at the cross. "You can't even get married." She said with a breath.

Santana opened her mouth to counter but she felt like all of her voice had been ripped out of her.

"And what about children?" Her mother's eyes shot up.

Santana froze. She hadn't even once thought about children. She could barely take care of herself. Why would she even think about children?

"I can have children-" Santana said. "-when I want to have children."

"Really?" Her mother said with a sad laugh. "Did you miss that day in sex Ed class?" Her mother shook her head. "You haven't even thought about any of the consequences of this, have you?" Her mom shot up a look.

Santana pulled her eyes away and looked back down at the cross in her mother's hands.

"I'm sorry." Her mother's tone seemed to soften. Santana looked back at her. "I just really hope you realize how ridiculous this all is sooner rather than later. It's just a phase. You aren't really-"

Her mother froze on the word. Santana's head shot up.

"Gay?" Santana said. "I am gay mom. And I have thought about this. Every day. Every single time I was lying underneath some guy I barely knew because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. But I love Brittany, mom. I know I do and I can't explain why or how but I just know how she makes me feel. She makes me happy. And isn't that what matters? Shouldn't I worry about being happy before I worry about all those things?"

Santana turned and left the room before her mother could give a response.

* * *

><p>Brittany pulled Santana up the walkway and into the warmth of the church. Santana had become a regular member of the Youth Group ever since her first meeting. Brittany was pretty sure Santana liked the singing most of all. She had memorized almost all of the songs and when the group sang Brittany could hear Santana's voice most of all. Brittany even caught her humming the tunes once or twice when they were at home. Brittany was pretty sure there was no better sound in the world than Santana's voice.<p>

Brittany was happy the Youth Group was today. Santana hadn't really talked about what it was like to have her mother back but Brittany could tell that whatever happened between them wasn't good, she could just see in the way Santana sulked around her apartment when she came to visit.

At least Santana had Youth Group to get away from it all.

"I'm sorry I've been so busy with dance." Brittany said just to make conversation.

Santana had been so quiet and withdrawn these past few days that Brittany felt like she was force feeding their conversation. She felt like she was blabbering just to have something to fill the tense silence surrounding Santana.

She felt Santana shrug next to her.

"Maybe we should have a date night." Brittany paused in the threshold of the church. She turned to give Santana all of her attention.

Santana's lips were curving upward into a wary smile.

That was a good sign.

"Date night?" Santana asked.

"Yeah like we'll stay in and make dinner and then cuddle." Brittany listed off.

Santana's smile grew wider. "Just cuddle?" Santana said in tone a couple of tones deeper than her normal voice.

"We are in church, Ms. Lopez." Brittany said. She inched closer to Santana. "So in the eyes of God we are just cuddling and maybe we just happened to be-"

Santana's eyes darted to a figure standing a couple of feet away from them.

"Mom?" Santana said.

Brittany's hand flew off of Santana and she knew she was so obviously caught by the way she jumped backwards and nearly tripped over herself.

"Mrs. Lopez." Brittany said. She wished her voice didn't sound so high-pitched.

"How are you?' Brittany asked to try to distract herself from trying to figure out how much of that Mrs. Lopez had actually heard.

She was shocked when Mrs. Lopez actually looked at her. She was even more shocked when Mrs. Lopez actually responded.

"I'm fine, thank you." Mrs. Lopez said.

Mrs. Lopez turned to face someone else. Brittany just then noticed Brian was standing next to her. "Thank you very much Father-" Mrs. Lopez trailed off.

"Brian." He corrected.

"Father Brian." Mrs. Lopez said.

"No, just Brian." He said with his cheeky smile.

"Oh." Mrs. Lopez said. She smiled apologetically. "Thank you, Brian." She corrected.

"See you at home, Santana." Mrs. Lopez looked at Santana's feet as she spoke. "Nice seeing you Brittany." She forced out as she passed them.

Santana watched the door shut closed behind her mother. "What was that about?" She asked. She turned to look at Brian but he just shrugged.

He turned towards the rest of the group and clapped his hands twice. "Alright guys time to set up the chairs."

* * *

><p>Brian was playing a new song today. She hadn't heard him play it and Santana was sure that the rest of the group hadn't heard it either because Brian was the only one singing. She wondered if it was a song he had learned over the weekend or something. She wondered if he did that often.<p>

_Show me how to love the unlovable__  
><em>_Show me how to reach the unreachable__  
><em>_Help me now to do the impossible_

Santana wasn't sure at which part Brittany's hand had found hers but she was now holding Brittany's hand in her lap she was pretty sure she had the dorkiest smile on her face but she didn't care. She just watched Brian strum the guitar.

_So, let it go and be amazed,__  
><em>_By what you see through eyes of grace,__  
><em>_The prisoner that it really frees is you._

Brian smiled at the end of this song. "New song this week." Brian said. He stood up to put his guitar back into his case. "You guys like that one?"

The group nodded. Brian's smile grew. He sat back into his chair and once again asked the group if they had anything they wanted to discuss.

Brian found the same timid teenager with her hand barely raised into the air. Brian's smile wavered a bit before he plastered it back onto his face.

"Melanie." He said gently.

Santana felt the girl's eyes shoot to the hand Santana was holding in her lap. "My father said that there's a quote in the Bible saying that homosexuals should be killed. And there are even places today where homosexuality can get someone the death penalty."

Santana tensed in her seat. At first, she was more shocked than she was angry. She felt welcome and happy here and the feeling was being ripped away so quickly that her body didn't really know what to do.

Brian cleared his throat to speak but Santana was already on her feet.

"What the hell is your problem?" Santana said.

Santana could faintly hear the sound of her name being called but she could barely hear anything through the rage ringing in her ears. She was furious and she had tunnel vision focusing in on Melanie.

Nothing else mattered right besides how furious she was.

Santana was pleased by the way Melanie shrunk deeper into her seat.

"You can't just tell me what is right and wrong when you don't even take the time to understand it." Santana said. "Instead of staring at me. At us." She gestured back towards Brittany. "Like we're some sort of freak show on display why don't you just ask us what it's like? And think about it. Why would anyone WANT to be different? Why would anyone WANT to fight for everything that everyone else just gets because they're 'normal'?" Santana raised her hands to make air quotes. "So don't look at me like that and stop talking about the shit your daddy pollutes your mind with. You're not better than me."

Santana turned and walked out, ignoring all of the voices calling her back.

* * *

><p>Santana hadn't cooked for someone else in a while. And she hadn't made guacamole in forever, it was one of those foods she avoided when cooking at home. Why make guacamole in front of the woman who was such an expert at it? Why risk messing it up and ruining one of the seemingly rare good days? She rarely ate avocado in general but now she was cooking for Brittany and it was a big date night and Brittany was still a little upset at her for what happened at Youth Group yesterday.<p>

Santana pressed against the bumpy skin of the avocado. She knew there was some trick to buying the right avocado. She remembered something about parts of the body.

"Santana?"

Santana jumped at the sound of the voice. She turned around to see her mother standing behind a shopping cart. She kept it between them like a shield.

"Mom." Santana said in a half-hearted greeting she turned back towards the avocados, hell bent on at least pretending to know what she was doing.

She grabbed the first two avocadoes she found and threw them into her basket. She turned to leave, she hoped to escape before her mother could say anything else.

"No, no." Her mother said softly. She grabbed Santana's arm to stop her before she withdrew the two light green avocados from the bag.

"Are you using these tonight?" Her mother said. She looked up at her daughter.

Santana nodded.

"Then these won't do." She said. Her tone odd and unfamiliar, Santana couldn't place it. Her mother turned back to the rack.

"This late in the week." She called over her shoulder. She started moving avocados around the pile. "Everyone else got all the good ones on the top, you gotta work a little." She said with a light laugh.

Santana watched, dumbfounded as her mother worked. Her mother turned back towards Santana. She pressed her thumb to Santana's head.

"Too ripe." She said softly.

She pinched Santana's cheek. "Too mushy." She said in that high-pitched voice Santana remembered from childhood.

Santana smiled at the memory.

Her mother bopped her nose. "Just right." She said just before she placed the avocadoes in the basket.

Santana cursed herself. How could she have forgotten that? They had done it a hundred times when Santana was younger.

"Are you cooking for Brittany?" Her mother asked.

Santana's back straightened on instinct. She had almost completely forgotten about the tension that was between them.

She nodded. "We're having a date night." She wasn't sure why she told her that. It was probably the last thing her mother wanted to hear.

Her mother was quiet for a long moment before her head turned to the ingredients in Santana's basket. "And you're making guacamole?"

Santana's eyes shot up and her shoulders tensed. She jumped right into defensive mode. "It's not your recipe." She said thinking that for some reason that would matter to her. "I couldn't remember it even if I did want to use it."

Her mother studied her and then she looked back to the ingredients. "It looks like you're just missing the pineapple juice."

Santana opened her mouth, completely prepared to shoot some sort of retort or defense back at her.

What?

"It's in that last aisle." Her mother said pointing over Santana's shoulder.

She didn't even bother to look. She just stared at her mother.

Her mother nudged her shoulder towards the aisle

"Thanks." Santana said. She was still too dumbfounded to really understand what was going on. She turned to leave.

"Santana?" Her mother called, Santana stopped and turned towards her mother. "Your father just bought a grill." Her mother shrugged. "Something about a winter sale or something…"

Her mother's eyes shot down to the ground Santana waited for the punch line but it never came.

"Okay." Santana said. She wasn't sure why she needed to know about a grill. She really didn't plan on making burgers in the dead of winter. "Cool." She said just before she turned to leave.

"And-" Her mother continued stopping Santana in her tracks. "He wanted to have a sort of cookout next week to try it out." She said. "I thought maybe we could have a family dinner."

Santana looked up to meet her mother's eyes.

"And maybe you could bring Brittany too?" Her mother added.

Santana wasn't really sure she understood what she was hearing. She watched her carefully waiting for some sort of catch.

"It's just that you're dad has spoken a lot about her and he seems to really like her and I just wanted to-" Her mother fiddled with the pile of fruit next to her.

"We'll be there." Santana said. Santana was pretty sure the smile that grew on her lips was going to rip her face in half.

Her mother looked up at Santana with a timid smile on her face.

"Okay." She said. "Great."

There was a silence between them.

"Well I should get these home and get dinner started." Her mother said. She paused for a second. Her body jerked into an awkward wave Santana watched her turn to head towards the checkout counters.

She let out the breath she didn't know she was holding in.

* * *

><p>So apparently her mother didn't know the store as well as she claimed to because it took half an hour for Santana to realize that the fresh pineapple juice was kept in the same aisle as the fresh fruit.<p>

Go figure.

But Santana was way too giddy about the dinner invite to even care about the lost time.

She was pretty sure the checkout clerk thought the giant smile on her face was for him. The pimple-faced teen gave her a half-smirk when his hand lingered too long on hers when she paid the bill.

But even that awkward interaction couldn't get her down.

Santana felt like she looked like an idiot as she pretty much skipped her way to her car. She was wondering if there were cartoon birds fluttering around her head.

"Please stop!" Santana heard the scream coming from around the back corner of the store. She followed the sounds until she found a black Cadillac parked on the side of store. There were a couple of looming figures hovering over one very tiny body.

Santana heard the scream again and she only assumed the petite figure was the source.

Santana dropped the bags as she rounded the black Cadillac and the faces came into view. She recognized Father Gerry and he was flanked by two bouncer sized men in black suits and another slightly smaller man wearing a ragged old shirt.

"I don't want to go!" The petite figure bellowed. Santana recognized that voice. She stepped closer and saw Melanie pressed with her back against the wall of the store. "Please don't make me."

"It's for your own benefit." Santana heard the sickening voice of Father Gerry reassure her. "You need to get better."

"There's nothing wrong with me." Melanie said. Her voice sounded weak, like she was trying to convince herself more than anyone else.

"You don't believe that." Father Gerry said.

Santana shifted in her spot. Melanie's eyes shot to her movement.

"Santana!" She begged. "Stop them please."

Santana froze as the other eyes drifted to her.

"You can't force her." Santana choked out.

Father Gerry smiled his sickening sweet smile. "She's a minor Santana." He said. "Her father." He gestured towards the man in the ragged shirt. "Has requested it."

Father Gerry turned away from her and gestured towards the wall sized men standing next to him. They stepped forward and grabbed a screaming Melanie.

She knew she didn't stand a chance, she knew she was out numbered and outsized in every way but that didn't stop Santana from driving forward and digging her nails into the first bicep she could reach.

**/* As Always a thanks to my Beta: postapocalypticcerialgirl who keeps me from posting embarrassing things on the internet. **

**Thank you to all of you who inspire me with your stories and thank you for reading, reviewing and following!**

**Check me out on Tumblr (Same name as here) for Q & A, Updates, BTS and songs from the fic. **

**Hope you enjoyed! */**


	21. Losses

Brittany wished dance rehearsal didn't go so late and she wished she didn't have to run through the apartment like a bat out of hell trying to find the right outfit to wear and she kind of wished could just go and cuddle into her girlfriend's shoulder and taste test all her delicious food.

She slipped on the slick bathroom floor and banged her hip against the bathroom counter.

She hissed and rubbed her side before she knelt down to pick up the empty pill bottle that had rolled off the sink. She read the label then tossed it into the trash.

She pulled a towel from the rack and wrapped it tightly around her body. She stepped onto the cold kitchen tile and found Santana in the exact spot she had left her when she had run through the door a half hour ago.

Brittany noticed there were a couple of pots sitting idly on the stove and Santana was still hovering over the cutting board.

She didn't look like she was moving at all.

Brittany stepped closer.

"Santana?" She called.

She received no response and worry started to crawl into the pit of her stomach.

"I found an empty bottle of medicine in the bathroom." Brittany said. "Did you take it for something?"

Brittany watched Santana's motionless body for a while. She had expected Santana to turn around. She had expected her to nod or react or say anything at all but Santana just stood there frozen like a statue.

If Santana moved then she was okay. If she was okay then Brittany could breathe.

"Santana." Brittany eased.

She stepped closer towards Santana and that's when she realized Santana's entire body was shaking.

"Honey." Brittany said slowly and carefully. "Did something happen?"

She reached out and placed on a hand on Santana's shoulder. Santana hissed and pulled away like she had been burned.

Brittany didn't even have to wait for the answer. It was so obvious that something had happened.

Brittany's eyes raked over Santana body until she reached her face.

She wasn't sure what she was more distraught by, the tear tracks running down Santana's cheeks or the open gash on her lip.

Brittany cupped Santana's chin in her palm and turned Santana slowly so she could look at her,

The gash wasn't too deep but still Brittany felt anger surging through her. She wanted so badly to know who did this, to find them and do something terrible to them but she needed to take care of Santana first.

"You need to get ice on this." She grabbed Santana's wrist and pulled her towards the freezer. The cry of pain that escaped Santana's mouth stopped Brittany in her tracks.

She whipped back around to Santana. Her eyes were trailed on the floor.

"Where else are you hurt?" Brittany said. She smoothed her hand gently over Santana's bare arm she treated her like cracked glass, she was too afraid to touch places that could be broken.

Santana finally looked up and swallowed. "My shoulder." Santana said she grimaced when she gently nudged the shoulder up. "And my back kinda hurts a lot."

"Why don't we go sit down so I can see?" Brittany guided her towards the bedroom.

Santana resisted. She pointed towards the onion on the cutting board. "I haven't finished dinner."

Brittany smiled at her. "We can take care of it later."

She leaned in to peck her gently on the lips but diverted at the last minute and settled for her cheek.

"Come on." Brittany said. Santana didn't resist this time. She followed Brittany and gingerly sat down on the bed.

Brittany eased behind her and grabbed fistfuls of Santana's shirt. "Is it okay if I-"

Santana nodded immediately.

Brittany's gently guided the shirt upwards.

She just managed to catch the scream that caught in throat when she saw the dark purple skin on her back. She eased Santana's good arm out of the t-shirt before she pulled the shirt around the shoulder Santana had indicated before.

She found another dark bruise forming there too.

Brittany's hands ghosted over the largest bruise on the small of Santana's back. She traced the outline of the darkened skin with her fingers.

"It looks worse than it is." Santana lied.

"Is the pain medicine working?" Brittany asked.

"Not really." Santana answered.

Brittany hopped off the bed and grabbed her cell phone from her dance bag.

"I'm calling your father." She said when she looked up at Santana's questioning eyes. She was already pressing the number on her speed dial before Santana could voice her protest.

The conversation ended quickly and Brittany stared down at her phone for a couple of minutes before she got a call from a unrecognized number.

She answered the phone and was surprised to hear Santana's mother on the other end. She seemed to oddly be more in control then her husband was. She gave Brittany instructions on how to ice the bruises and warning signs to look for in case she needed to take Santana to the emergency room.

She said she was on her way before she ended the call.

Brittany started gathering supplies of frozen peas and ice stuffed into plastic bags. She tried not to panic about the state of the apartment. She glanced over at Lord Tubbington and kindly asked him not to bite anyone today before she went back to her room where she found Santana back in the bedroom lying face down on the bed.

"How are you feeling?" Brittany asked. She leaned down to brush the hair out of Santana's face.

"Better." She said with a forced smile.

"Mhmm." Brittany said. She ran her fingers gently over the discolored skin.

"Your dad said to ice it." Brittany said. She placed the ice gently over Santana's bruises.

Brittany mimicked Santana's position on the bed and she just watched her brows furrow from the foreign cold against her sore skin.

She wasn't sure how long they had been laying there but Brittany watched as Santana's eyes fluttered closed from the soothing effect the ice finally seemed to be bringing her.

Brittany pulled the ice pack away from Santana's lip.

"What happened?" Brittany asked.

Brittany almost regretted the question by the way Santana's eyes shot open.

"Melanie." Santana said. Her eyes pulled away from Brittany's.

"They were taking her to Love Can Win." The tears started to brim in the corner of her eyes. "They were going to take her but she didn't want to go." Santana choked out a breath."I tried to stop them Britt. I did. I tried." A small sob choked in the back of Santana's throat.

Brittany placed her hand on Santana's arm.

"I know you did." Brittany assured her. "I know you would."

She leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to Santana's forehead.

"Brittany?" A voice called from the hallway. "Santana?"

The voice was in the bedroom before Brittany could react. "I'm sorry." Brittany saw the flash of a body as Mrs. Lopez whipped around and away from the door. "I didn't know how bad- I knocked- I didn't mean to intrude."

Brittany jumped to her feet. "You're fine, Mrs. Lopez."

Brittany really wished she had thought to put on some clothes.

"Mom?" Santana said. Her voice was hoarse from crying. Santana tried to ease herself up from the bed.

Brittany jumped forward and placed on hand on Santana's shoulder. "Lie down." She commanded.

She was surprised at how quickly Santana listened.

"My husband told me to bring some things, Brittany." Mrs. Lopez called from the door. She had an uncomfortable little smile on her face. Brittany took it as some sort of good sign.

Brittany leaned in and placed a just because kiss to Santana's cheek. Then she threw on a t-shirt and sweatpants before she joined Mrs. Lopez in the kitchen.

Mrs. Lopez directed Brittany back to the bedroom with a supply of newly purchased ice packs and pain medicine. Brittany tried not the cringe when she saw Mrs. Lopez start to reach into her pile of dirty dishes.

"I was going to clean those." Brittany muttered before she rounded the corner. She isn't sure if Mrs. Lopez heard her or just chose to ignore her.

She didn't dwell on it for too long, not when she remembered that Santana was lying on her bed covered in cuts and bruises.

After she gave Santana the pain medication and she adjusted the ice packs to Mrs. Lopez's specifications. Brittany laid down next to Santana and entangled their fingers.

She felt Santana's breathe even out and hers soon followed.

* * *

><p>The next time Santana grumbled herself awake the early morning sun was shining through Brittany's blinds and Santana didn't think she was feeling all that bad. But then she tried to get out of bed.<p>

Moving really wasn't all that fun anyway.

She curled up next to Brittany and drifted back off to sleep. They kept up a pattern of curling up next to one another and talking or drifting off back to sleep for the rest of the day. Sometimes Santana's stomach had to remind her about food and Brittany would giggle at the embarrassing gurgling sounds she would make.

The first time it happened Brittany came back from the kitchen with the most confused look on her face. She was holding piles of containers filled to the brim with all of Santana's favorite foods.

She explained each food to Brittany and Brittany slowly seemed a little less scared once she knew the foods inside the dishes with the confusing names weren't all that scary.

She bounced off to the kitchen and came back with a heaping bowl of her mother's homemade asopao. They shared their meal, not even bothering to use two utensils.

It was the best meal Santana had eaten in a long time. She had forgotten how good her mom's home cooking really was.

After they finished Brittany brought the dishes back out to the kitchen and grumbling about the state of her kitchen and how Santana's mother probably thinks she's a slob now.

Apparently her mother had cleaned too.

Brittany remarked that she didn't even know her refrigerator could get that shiny. Apparently Lord Tubbington had been glaring at his reflection in it for the past hour.

Santana's dad stopped by the next morning, groggy with worry and lack of sleep from a long double shift at the hospital.

He ran his hand over Santana's bruises and seemed to find the most painful places to prod and poke before he declared her healthy. He gave her a prescription of rest and relaxation. And Santana was more than happy to oblige.

Brittany called in sick to dance rehearsal and just stayed in bed.

Brittany mom came over to visit for a couple of hours one day. She brought in some containers of her own and after she left Brittany heated up a plate that she had to explain this time.

"I think our moms sneak into my house in the middle of the night to restock my fridge." Brittany grumbled once when Santana finally managed to sneak a peek at the contents of the fridge.

Even after a few days of nothing but leftovers it still looked filled to the brim.

Santana had never felt so loved in her life.

* * *

><p>It wasn't until the next morning when Santana woke up for the first time without the knot in the back that she started to feel guilty. She had completely forgotten about Melanie and Love Can Win and the reason she was like this in the first place.<p>

She was rising from the bed when she felt a still sleep heavy Brittany reaching out for her.

"Where are you going?" Brittany muttered into the pillow.

"I'm going to talk to Brian." Santana muttered. She leaned down, ignoring the smarting in her sore back, as she kissed Brittany lightly on the forehead. "You should go to dance." Santana said.

Brittany did that stretchy yawn thing she does when she's just waking up. "But I'm sick." She added a fake cough just for the theatrics. "And so are you." Brittany added.

Santana pulled her arm out of Brittany's reach before she could pull her back into bed. Santana was pretty sure Brittany didn't have to do very much convincing to get Santana to curl back up next to her.

"I have to go." Santana said. She slid the jeans over her legs and buttoned them. "He can help Melanie."

Brittany woke up instantly. "Do you think he could?" Brittany asked.

Santana swallowed. "He has to." She said.

* * *

><p>Santana followed the signs and arrows that led her to Brian's office. She didn't even know he had an office. She never really thought about what he did all day but she never really guessed that it was in an office somewhere. She fully expected him to be sitting on a stool and strumming on his guitar maybe learning a new song for Youth Group. Instead she found him sitting at his desk, hunched over a pile of papers.<p>

Santana watched him for a moment, still completely confused.

Brian looked up and gave Santana a warm smile.

"How are you doing Sant-?" Brian said. He pushed the papers away from him and rose to his feet.

"Did you hear about Melanie?" Santana said before Brian could finish his greeting.

Brian's face fell. "How do you-"

She felt his eyes glance down at the healing gash on her lip. She felt him cataloguing a list of questions in his head. She was happy when he decided to stick to the topic.

"I did hear about Melanie." Brian said.

Santana felt hope bubble up in her stomach. If Brian already knew then that means he must already have a plan to get her out.

"There's nothing I can do about it." Brian added.

Santana felt her entire body deflate.

"What?" Santana said.

"I can't do anything." Brian repeated. "She's a minor, her father wanted her there. They wouldn't even let me speak to her if I tried."

Santana felt her mouth hanging open in shock. "You can't just leave her there."

Brian looked down at the tile. "I wish I didn't have to Santana." Brian said sadly. "But she's a minor."

"There has to be way." Santana said. She felt her fists balling at her side. "We can sneak her out, we could break into her window like Brittany did-"

"If you go up there and take her away-" Brian started. "It's kidnapping and you'll get arrested." Santana was starting to wonder if Brian was convincing her or himself that it was a bad idea.

"Not if she wanted to come. Not if she was willing." Santana said.

Brian let out a sign. "She – is – a-minor." Brian repeated the words slowly.

"That doesn't make her sexuality any less valid!" Santana said. "You can't just sit here on your Jesus loving ass and let her rot in there. What if something happens to her there?"

"Santana-"

"No." Santana interjected. "Don't try to calm me down and tell me what the laws once again say I can or cannot do! You can't let that tiny little girl sit in a room and convince herself that she's something that she isn't. She's going to think she doesn't have anyone. She's going to think no one cares about her."

He stared at her until she felt like she couldn't bare it anymore.

"Is that how you felt?" Brian said.

Santana felt her shoulders soften without her consent. She took a second to recover before she spoke.

"This isn't about me." She said too softly for it to sound as final she wanted it to be.

"I bet you thought some of the same things that Melanie has been saying these past few weeks." Brian continued.

Santana prayed for him to stop.

"And Melanie is going to have to be strong." Brian said. "She'll find strength in God and she'll find strength in the people around her. All we can do is pray." Brian placed a pacifying hand on her shoulder. "If we do anything more, if we do anything against the law then it just gives them more leverage. And we can't give them anything to use against us."

* * *

><p>Brittany wished her hands would stop shaking. She had already had a close call with a bottle of wine. And now she was shaking so much that she would be lucky if she didn't spill her glass of wine all over her pants.<p>

Dr. Lopez had taken a not so pleased Santana out back to help him with the grill. And now Brittany was stuck looking into the eyes of Santana's mother and she just wanted something to fill the void of this giant ball of awkward silence.

She just needed something to talk about.

Anything.

Any topic.

"We met in Vegas." Brittany said to her wine glass.

She looked up at Mrs. Lopez confused expression.

"Santana and I." Brittany said. "We met in Las Vegas." Brittany explained.

She wasn't sure if this was the best topic of conversation. Things would get weird if she asked what they did or how they actually met but Mrs. Lopez looked mildly interested and Brittany was going to use it.

"What were you doing in Las Vegas?" Mrs. Lopez asked.

This was so easy. What was she so worried about?

"Oh I'm a dancer." Brittany said.

Mrs. Lopez's eyebrows shot up. "Oh." She said. She looked down at her wine glass.

There was a silence before Mrs. Lopez looked up again.

"Does Santana dance?" Mrs. Lopez asked like it was the most important question in the world at the moment.

"We were actually dancing when we met." Brittany said with a proud smile.

She managed to leave out the fact that they both were very much intoxicated and it wasn't the most innocent kind of dancing.

But Brittany was worried she had let that thought slip just by the look on Mrs. Lopez's face.

Mrs. Lopez cleared her throat. "So do you only _dance_ in Vegas?"

Brittany frowned. Why would someone only dance in one place? It wasn't like dancing was hard to do in the Lima clubs. She danced at Scandals all the time.

"No." Brittany said.

She was afraid she had said something wrong again because the scowl on Mrs. Lopez's face was so intimidating.

"So you _dance_ here in Ohio?" Mrs. Lopez said. She took a healthy swig of her wine before she looked up at Brittany.

"I dance everywhere." Brittany said. "I love dancing."

Mrs. Lopez frowned. "Does Santana _dance_ everywhere too?"

"Not as much as I do?" Brittany said. She wasn't sure way she spoke the answer like a question. She was just so confused.

She didn't understand what was so wrong about dancing.

Santana and Dr. Lopez came in through the back door. Brittany was pretty sure Santana's mom let out a sigh of relief.

* * *

><p>Santana knew she shouldn't have left her mother alone with Brittany. Something must have happened.<p>

Santana could tell by the way her father was asking random, useless questions to fill the void of silence, that he knew something was up too.

They were halfway through their meal when her mother finally spoke without looking up from her plate.

"How long have you been an exotic dancer?" Her mother said.

Santana had never been more confused in her life.

Brittany's head whipped around. Santana could see realization dawn on her face.

"Mom." Santana let out a light laugh. "I'm not a stripper."

"You're not." Her mother asked in a sheepish voice. "But Brittany said she was-" She looked over to Brittany who was shaking her head. "-and that you were-" Santana shook her head when her mother's eyes landed back on her.

Her mother let out a relieved breath. "Oh thank God." She laid back against her seat. Santana watched her eyes dance between her and Brittany. "I can handle lesb-" Her mother cleared her throat. "Lesbians but I don't think I could handle stripping."

"Oh I'm not a lesbian." Brittany chimed in.

She shied away from the three pairs of eyes that shot to her.

"I mean-" She stumbled under the sudden attention. "I'm like half a lesbian."

Santana gulped.

"I like both." Brittany added into the silence.

Santana's eyes immediately shot to her mother. She knew just by the blank expression on her mother's face that this confession wasn't a good thing.

There was the longest period of silence Santana had ever been forced to sit through.

"So you like boys and girls?" Her mother asked.

She was asking questions. That had to be a good sign. Right?

Brittany nodded.

"So why don't you just date a boy?" Her mother asked.

Santana tensed in her seat.

Her mother looked up and back peddled a bit. "I just mean-" she thought for a second. "-if you, can control it, why don't you just love a boy instead?"

Santana looked over to see Brittany staring at her hands in her lap.

"Why doesn't Lady love someone other than the Tramp?" Brittany muttered.

Her mother frowned but she didn't seem to hear what Brittany said. Santana jumped when her mother's eyes shot to her.

"Do you like boys too?" Her mother asked.

Santana shook her head.

"How do you know?" Her mother said. She sounded disappointed. "I mean have you even tried. You two could still be friends but you'd both have normal lives and families."

Santana sighed. She felt like everything had just fallen apart. She had been so close to getting her mother on board with it and it just fell to pieces so quickly.

"It doesn't work like that mom." Santana frowned.

"How do you know you haven't even tried?!" Her mother was starting to get frantic.

She knew this was a bad sign.

Santana's father cleared his throat. "Maybe we should call it a night." He said as he stood up.

He started clearing plates from the table without another word.

"I think you and Brittany ought to get going." He whispered to her.

Santana nodded and gave him a quick hug. "Thanks dad."

"She'll come around." He whispered sadly. "She has to."

* * *

><p>Brittany tried not to speak the entire car ride. Santana had rarely gotten in one of these moods around her but she knew the best course of action was just to give Santana time. So Brittany turned the radio to Santana's favorite station and hoped the music would settle her down.<p>

She was worried when Santana still didn't speak when they got into the apartment and still worried when they both changed into their sleep clothes without speaking a word to each other.

"Why did you have to say that?" Santana muttered.

Brittany looked over at her but Santana wasn't even making eye contact right now.

"Say what?" Brittany asked.

"That you like guys." Santana asked.

Brittany frowned. "Because it's true."

"So why don't you then?" Santana asked.

Brittany sighed. "Why don't I what, Santana?"

"Why don't you just date a guy so you don't have to deal with people thinking that you're gay?" Santana said.

Brittany's back went rigid. "I'm half Scottish but I wouldn't really be embarrassed if someone thought I was all the way Scottish."

Santana quirked an eyebrow. "That is not even close to the same thing."

Brittany took a breath to steady herself. "I know you've had a long week Santana with Melanie and your parents maybe this isn-"

"She was getting so much better." Santana said. "It was going to happen slowly but I saw it happening but now she's going to hope that one day when I just find the right guy-She was so close to being okay with it and then you had to just tell her that and make it even more confusing for her."

"It's who I am Santana." Brittany said. "I'm sorry your mom's confused about it but-"

"Well maybe you shouldn't be so open about it." She said with a huff.

Brittany felt like all the air had been sucked out of her lungs. She looked down at the ground.

"I can't do this." Brittany looked up into Santana's wide eyes.

"I'm totally fine with being there for you to come to terms with who you are. But I can't be with someone who tells me to hide who I am." Brittany added.

Brittany so badly wanted to take it back. She saw the tears threatening in Santana's eyes and she just wanted to pull it all back and tell her everything is fine but she knew she couldn't. She knew she shouldn't. She loved who she was. She loved who she had become and she would never let anyone take that from her. Especially not someone she loved.

Santana turned and left the room without saying another word. Brittany laid on her bed and waited for the front door to slam before she allowed herself to cry.

* * *

><p>It took a couple of days for Santana to work up the courage to speak to Brian. She found him sitting at his desk hunched over a laptop this time. She gently knocked on the open door. Brian looked up quickly and gestured for Santana to come inside.<p>

"If I take my eyes away from this." Brian said as he hunched back over the laptop again. "It's going to take me another three hours to figure it out."

Santana nodded even though Brian wasn't even looking at her. She paced around the office as she waited for him to finish.

She read the various inspirational posters around the room and the photos of Brian with groups of what had to be past Youth Groups. Her eyes fell on a pile of pamphlets sitting next to a picture frame.

She picked up the first pamphlet that grabbed her attention. On the front cover was a drawing of a man praying off the side of a bed. The title of the pamphlet was written in big bold letters at the top:

_You've Been on Your Knees All Night but God Still Made You Gay_

She had to read it three times just to make it sure it really said that. She flipped open the pamphlet half expecting the articles to be a joke but they seemed legit, at least the first paragraph seemed to be serious.

She heard Brian laugh from across the room. Santana looked up to see him watching her intently.

"The lady who makes those pamphlets is a guidance counselor over at McKinley High School." He said. "Have you met her?"

Santana shook her head. "I went to private school." She said.

Brian gave her a knowing smile. "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Well, she's really a fascinating woman. Sometimes I'm not sure if the innuendos are intentional or accidental." Brian shrugged. "But they get people reading." He gestured to the open pamphlet in her hands. "As you can see."

Santana settled the pamphlet back down on the table.

"So what can I help you with?" Brian said. He eased his laptop shut. "Are you here about Brittany?"

Santana's eyes widened. "You know?"

Brian smiled warmly. "I talked to Brittany last night." He said. "Take a seat." He gestured

Santana frowned but she sat down in the seat across from Brian's desk.

"Tell me what the fight was about." He eased back into his seat and folded his hands in his lap.

"Don't you already know what it was about?" Santana said.

Brian just smiled and Santana took that as her cue to talk.

"Brit told my parents that she was-" Santana cleared her throat.

"Bisexual?" Brian helped.

Santana nodded. "You know?"

"Brittany is very open about who she is." Brian said.

Santana looked down at her feet.

"You didn't know." Brian said.

Santana looked up to see Brian watching her intently.

"Are you worried about Brittany being more interested in a guy than she is in you?" Brian asked.

Santana shrugged. "It would be easier."

"Do you think you'd be more interested in a guy that dating Brittany?" Brian asked.

Santana scoffed. "I don't exactly work that way."

Brian smiled.

"What about another girl?" He said.

Santana shrugged. "The only one I can really think about is Brittany right now."

Santana didn't understand why Brian's smile grew so big.

"Why is that?" Brian asked.

"Because I love her." Santana said.

"I have an inkling Brittany might say something similar." Brian said.

The shrill ringing of Brian's phone cut through the room. Brian sighed.

"I'm sorry." He leaned down to pick up the handset.

"This is Brian." He said into the phone.

Santana watched as he waited for the return from the other line. She saw the expression in his face fall. She felt like she was intruding in on a serious conversation, she turned her head away. She looked down at the ground.

"I'll be right there." He said before he hung up the phone.

Santana watched the way his chest rose and fell as he took a deep breath. He looked over at Santana and tried to force a smile on his face.

"You need to go talk to Brittany." He said. He grabbed his jacket from the hook behind his door and threw it over his shoulders.

Santana took that as a hint to follow him out.

"Life's too short." He said without looking up at her.

He led Santana out of the office and raced to his car without saying goodbye. Santana watched his car race out of the parking lot before she even opened her driver's side door.

She drove straight to Arlene's Grocery and spent the next two hours in the florist section.

* * *

><p>So these flowers weren't technically in season but roses were too extreme and spring flowers seemed more- Brittany. But she had gone back and forth so often that the florist gave up on helping her.<p>

But now here she was standing in front of Brittany door with these obnoxiously bright flowers in her hand and she just wanted to go through what she was going to say one more time and then she could just-

The door pulled open and there she was face-to-face with a red-eyed Brittany. Brittany was still too distracted to even notice Santana standing in front of her. She held her phone to her ear and was muttering something while she pulled her door shut and froze when she saw the figure standing on her doorstep. She muttered something into the phone and pulled it away from her ear.

"Hi." Santana said.

And Brittany just stared at her. Her expression was completely bare and stoic. Santana could see the wetness on her cheeks and she lost all her words. She had practiced the stupid fucking speech all day at the florist and ten times in her car and she just completely forgot it.

Brittany looked just as much at a loss for words as she was. She shifted on her feet. She looked at the flowers in Santana's hand and her expression fell.

"You bought flowers." Brittany said sadly.

Santana raised an eyebrow and looked at her. She couldn't place Brittany's expression. She had never seen her like this before.

"I wanted to tell you I was sorry." Santana said. "I practiced this speech but I-"

Brittany wrapped her arms around Santana's neck and pulled her into a tight embrace. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"Brittany we can't just brush this under the rug we need-" Santana started.

Brittany crashed her lips against Santana's to silence her.

"We can." She said after she pulled back. "It's not what's important right now." Brittany's voice cracked out of her sentence.

Santana pulled back to get a better look at Brittany.

"What's going on?" Santana asked.

"I need to tell you something." Brittany said.

* * *

><p>Brittany isn't sure what does it.<p>

Maybe it's the way Santana's face starts to fall. Maybe it's the way the flowers fall slack in her hand. Or maybe it's the fact that she's finally saying the words aloud.

But it all starts to feel so real.

Even though she's pretty much repeating the words that Brian had just used on the phone Brittany didn't feel like she's really starting to process them until they're leaving her lips.

Melanie was scared.

For some reason Brittany felt like it was an important thing to emphasize but she isn't sure what it's supposed to help.

Brittany can't find the right words. She knows she has to say it. She knows that Santana doesn't want to believe it. Santana doesn't want to assume something that she's praying didn't happen but Brittany can't find delicate enough words.

Then she realizes it's because there isn't any.

There's nothing delicate about what Melanie did to herself. There's no delicate way to tell Santana that Melanie stole her life from the world.

The flowers fall to the ground. Brittany feels like the bright yellows and blues and purples are mocking her. They are so out of place against the gloomy snow and the gray skies that have come over Lima, Ohio.

Brittany thinks for a second that God picked perfect weather for right.

Then she wishes he worried about other, more important things today.

Then she reminds herself not to think like that.

"No." Santana finally managed to croak out.

Brittany reached for her. They knew this would hit Santana hard. This was why Brian had called Brittany first, this was why she was headed over to Santana's to deliver the news.

Santana's heart was a lot more fragile than people thought.

Santana pushes Brittany away. She turned on her heels and walked away.

"Santana." Brittany called.

She followed Santana along the pathway. She stops to watch Santana yank her car door but it didn't budge. She emptied the contents of her purse and lifted her keys out of the pile.

Brittany could hear the keys rattling against Santana's shaky hands. She was in no condition to drive.

"Santana!" Brittany called to her.

Santana didn't react at all to her voice. She tried to match her key to the lock on her door but her hand was shaking too much.

Brittany grabbed her arm and tugged. "Santana!" She called frantically.

That seemed to get her attention. She locked onto Santana's brown eyes and saw the life slowly flow back into them.

"No." Santana said. Her voice cracked at the end of it and Brittany knew it was coming.

The keys dropped from Santana's hand.

Santana let Brittany turn her body and pull her into her embrace.

"Fuck Love Can Win." Santana spoke into Brittany's shoulder. "Fuck them, Brittany. Fuck them."

She could hear the tears in Santana's voice. She ran her hand over Santana's hair.

"I know." Brittany cooed. She pulled Santana in tighter in an attempt to curb her shivering body. "I know honey."

**/***

**Author's Note: Special Thanks to my Beta postapocalypticcerialgirl and its her birthday tomorrow so go wish her happy birthday :)**

**Also thanks to all of you, all your reviews, follows, favorites, messages etc continue to inspire me. You guys are amazing. I write for each and every one of you.**

** */**


	22. Memories

Brittany looked back up at Puck one more time before she went back to pacing.

She had absolutely nothing to say to him.

She had trusted Puck.

She had trusted him to take care of her.

And he didn't.

"Can you please just –" Puck grabbed both of Brittany's arms to stop her. "-say something?" Puck begged.

Brittany looked up into his eyes. "One thing Puck." Brittany said through gritted teeth. "I asked you to do one thing."

"I know." Puck stepped past Brittany rubbing the back of his neck. "I know. I just thought she'd need a place to lay low for a couple of days. I didn't think she'd go on a week-long bender."

"Week-long-Bender?" Brittany whipped back around to face him. When Puck didn't look up she repeated his words one more time.

"Yeah." Puck said. "She was like drinking, a lot. I thought you knew."

Brittany sighed. "No. I didn't."

She sank into her armchair. She just thought Santana needed some breathing room. She thought some mindless fun at Puck's house would have been good for her. So when Puck called her a week ago and told her that Santana was on his doorstep, Brittany had asked him to keep an eye on her. She had expected Puck to take Santana to that stupid pool hall he always went to or catch a hockey game with her. She would have even been fine with a strip club visit but she didn't think he'd let Santana drink herself into oblivion.

"You should have called." Brittany breathed out.

Puck didn't respond and Brittany looked up at him. David and Kurt shifted from there spots on the couch. She had forgotten they were even there.

Then she remembered the now.

There would be time to be mad a Puck later when Santana wasn't missing.

"Where have you looked?" Brittany asked.

Puck shifted right into business mode. "The bars, the grocery store, I drove by her parents' house." He said. "I didn't see her car anywhere."

Brittany felt sick to her stomach. "She's driving?" she asked

Puck stared at the ground but she could see his head nodding up and down.

"And she's been drinking?" She asked.

Puck nodded again.

Brittany stared pacing again. She tried to think of all the places Santana would go and prayed that she didn't hurt anyone along the way.

"Did you check Love Can Win?" Brittany asked.

Puck shot his eyes up to her.

"She wouldn't go back there." David said.

Brittany didn't have time to answer. She was already grabbing her coat and heading out the door.

The boys took it as their cue to follow.

* * *

><p>The world was fuzzy around the edges.<p>

The street lamp was turned on way too high, Santana had to shield her eyes as she made her way up to the front entrance of the Love Can Win campus.

She should have expected this.

As soon as the news spread of Melanie's suicide there have been a fury of protestors and supporters making their way onto the streets of their small little town. First they were just small numbers from Lima and neighboring cities but then the national news and blogs caught wind of it. And soon there were crowds of protestors coming in every day. The main target of all the protesting had been Love Can Win and Santana had remembered hearing mentions of added security measures on the news.

She didn't bother to listen to what those security measures were.

But where there was a will, and half a bottle of Puck's most expensive whiskey, there was a way.

She wasn't going to let a silly little wrought iron gate keep her from getting where she wanted to go.

She put her first foot on the bar and lifted herself up off the ground. She teetered for a second but regained her balance quickly. It seemed to get easier with every step, as long as she kept her pace up and ignored the spinning.

"Hey!" A gruff voice called out.

Santana's hand slipped off the bar and she was flying back towards the cement. Her knee caught the brunt of the fall.

"Fuck." She hissed.

"Get this gate open." The voice called.

She heard the jangling of metal.

She cursed again before she pushed herself up to her feet and took off down the street just before the fence clanged open and she heard the footfalls fresh on her heels.

They found Santana's car parked, if that's what you could call it, just outside of the main road leading up to Love Can Win.

Just by the parking job Brittany was going to guess that Santana had a lot to drink tonight. Brittany was going to be so mad at her.

They just needed to find her first.

David led them towards the main road. They didn't get very far until they saw figures barreling towards them in the darkness.

Brittany caught a glimpse of Santana's face in the street light. She looked like she was getting chased by two very large figures.

David took off running towards them.

Brittany was too busy watching David clothesline the two guards to catch Santana before she ran into her. She was lucky Puck was there to stop the pair of them from falling over.

There was a groaning coming from the pile of bodies on the ground. David came trotting over. Brittany could see his huge smile even through the darkness.

"Still got it." David whispered to Kurt.

Brittany struggled against Santana's weight. She was shaking and wobbly from a mix of adrenaline and alcohol.

Santana pulled from Brittany grasp, she was trying to make it back up the road.

"They left the gate open!" Santana said. Brittany struggled to hold her back, she could feel her breaking lose, she never realized how strong Santana could be. "We can get in!"

"No." Brittany told her.

Brittany tried to pull her back but she knew Santana was slipping from her grasp. Santana managed to pull her arm away but she only got a couple of steps before Puck wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her off the ground.

She kicked and screamed against Puck.

But she wasn't getting away this time.

Brittany ran over to Puck's truck and pulled the door open. He dropped a still kicking and screaming Santana inside.

He grabbed Santana's face and pinched her cheeks together so she couldn't protest anymore.

"Do you see that car?" He pointed through the windshield to Santana's car that was parked half on and half off the sidewalk.

"You are toasted." He said. He pinched her cheeks more, Santana let out a grunt against the pressure. "And you fucking drove."

He jerked Santana's head so she had to look at the car.

"Puck." Brittany called warningly.

Puck ignored Brittany. She watched as he brought his face closer to Santana's.

"You could have killed someone." He growled. "And anyone who means something to you would have had to live with that."

Brittany placed a hand on Puck's arm but he still wasn't letting go.

"Get your shit together Lopez." He snarled before throwing Santana's head back against the headrest.

He reached into her pocket and pulled out her keys before he stepped away.

Brittany watched him toss the keys to David before he jumped into the driver's seat.

* * *

><p>Brittany guided Santana so she was half sitting on the counter of the sink. She leaned down to untie Santana's converse.<p>

"Puck's mad." Santana slurred.

Brittany wasn't sure if it was alcohol or exhaustion that was making Santana so wobbly.

Had she slept at all this week?

Brittany looked up to meet Santana's frown. She gave her a reassuring smile.

"A few years ago, Puck's half-brother was leaving a party." Brittany balanced Santana's leg as she pulled off the first sneaker. She looked back up before she continued the story.

"He had been drinking, a lot." She guided Santana's other foot out of the sneaker.

"He ran a red light and crashed into a limo carrying a wedding party." Brittany said. She guided Santana's feet out of her socks and tossed the socks behind her.

"The flower girl was sitting in the seat that took the full force of the crash." Brittany guided Santana to her feet and reached down to pull Santana's shirt over her head. "She died instantly."

Santana was watching Brittany's movements carefully. "What happened to his brother?" Santana asked.

"He's in jail." Brittany said. She undid Santana's belt and guided her jeans down her legs, she paused to run her fingers over the fresh scar on Santana's thigh. "Puck doesn't talk about it much and the news didn't really cover the trial, but I think he got manslaughter or something."

Brittany stopped when she saw the blood on Santana's knees. She slowly guided the fabric down the rest of her legs and looked up at Santana when she ghosted her fingers over the scrap on her knee.

"I fell." Santana said without looking Brittany in the eye. "Off a fence."

She let out a breath that was somewhere between a scoff and a laugh.

"What were you doing on the fence?" Brittany ducked her head to catch Santana's glance.

"I was going to see Father Gerry." She said.

Brittany nodded.

"And what were you going to do when you saw Father Gerry?" Brittany asked.

She helped Santana balance as she stepped out of her jeans. She kept her hands on Santana's hips and studied her face as she waited for an answer. She watched Santana's head tilted in thought. She was searching for an answer.

"I don't know." Santana said.

Brittany wasn't really sure if Santana was still answering her own question or simply just thinking aloud. She guided Santana's underwear down her legs and steadied Santana as she stepped out of them.

"Maybe I wanted to know if he felt bad about it." Santana said.

"He hasn't said anything." Santana continued. "When the news people ask him, it's always, no comment that or no comment this."

Santana grabbed fistfuls of Brittany's shirt when Brittany leaned in to unhook her bra.

"He's got to feel bad about it right?" Santana said.

Brittany pulled back and guided the fabric down Santana's arms. Santana didn't let go of Brittany's shirt until the last possible second. Brittany could feel Santana's eyes on her like all the answers were written there.

"He's got to want to stop it from happening again." She said. "Right?"

Brittany felt Santana's eyes watching her. She knew she was waiting for an answer.

"I don't know, honey." She said. She guided Santana into the shower.

She watched the relief sweep over Santana's face as the warm water cascaded down her body. Santana closed her eyes. Brittany moved to close the shower curtain but Santana's grabbed her wrist to stop her.

"I'm sorry." Santana said.

Brittany looked up. "For what?"

"For drinking and for driving. For disappearing. For Melanie…" Santana said.

Brittany studied Santana for a second before she spoke. "Honey, you had nothing to do with Melanie. You didn't do anything."

"I know." Santana said. She broke on the word. She covered her face with her hand and let out a low sob. "I didn't do anything."

"Honey." Brittany stepped into the shower and brought Santana into her embrace. "You tried to stop them."

Santana sobbed against her chest. Brittany ran her fingers through Santana's wet hair. "It's not your fault. Don't you dare think this is your fault." Brittany whispered into Santana's hair.

She was content to let her clothes soak through as long as she could hold Santana until the guilt seeped away from her.

* * *

><p>Santana blinked several times against the glaring afternoon sun. It was way too bright and she was way too hung over to be awake right now.<p>

She buried her head into the pillow and pulled the blanket over her head to block out the sun.

Then she heard the voices coming from the living room.

She reached over to the Brittany's spot on the bed but she just felt a cold mess of sheets and blankets.

She rose to her feet. Her body protested the movements, her bones cracked as she tried to stretch out her aching muscles. She inched her way slowly out of the bedroom and stepped into the living room.

She was shocked at the volume of people sitting there. She hadn't expected Brittany to throw an early morning brunch party or whatever the hell this was.

She spotted Kurt and David huddled up close together on the couch. Puck was leaning against the wall talking to Sam who had an arm thrown around Mercedes's shoulders.

The voices stopped as soon as people started to notice Santana's presence. She felt eyes starting to drift towards her and she was suddenly aware of the fact that she had slept with wet hair.

"Santana."

Santana felt like the entire room was screaming her name.

Why were there so damn many people?

Rachel was sitting in the arm chair, she was flanked by two older people that Santana knew she remembered but she wasn't sure why.

Her dads?

Why were Rachel's dads here?

"How are you feeling?" Another voice asked. She felt a hand on the small of her back.

Santana glanced over to see Brittany smiling at her.

There were a couple of minutes of silence as Santana tried to process the pure volume of people in the room.

"Is this-?" She asked. "Like an intervention or something?"

She heard a low laugh and turned to see Brian sitting on the floor, Lord Tubbington had taken residence in his lap.

"No." Brian said.

Then she noticed the shirts.

Everyone was wearing a different colored t-shirt with big white lettering. She read the writing on Brian's shirt.

'**We're on Your Team'**

She noticed more of the same shirts folded neatly on the coffee table. She stepped closer and picked up a sticker that was sitting next to it. It had the same writing on it.

What the actual fuck?

She looked up at Brian for some sort of answer.

It was David who spoke instead. "I've already signed with some sponsors." He said. Santana looked over at him. "I even signed a deal to have an ESPN camera crew follow me around for a while."

Oh God, a camera crew?

Her eyes darted around.

David let out a laugh. "They're not here yet. It doesn't start for another couple weeks." He added.

"But I thought I would put the money to good use." He tugged at the shirt he was wearing. "I'm starting a sort of support group here in Lima for gay and lesbian youth."

Brittany cleared her throat.

"And bisexual." He added with a good natured role of his eyes. "For everyone and anyone really. All inclusive."

"It's really meant to bring people together and not use labels to pull people apart." David added.

Santana put the sticker back on the table.

"You can keep it if you want." He said. "And take a shirt."

He leaned down and picked up a purple t-shirt and threw it in Santana's direction. She had no choice but to catch it.

"That's okay." Santana said. She placed the shirt back down on the pile.

"There's lots of other colors." Brittany said over her shoulder. She placed a kiss to her cheek. "There's red."

Santana watched as Brittany pulled out a deep red t-shirt from the pile. Brittany held it out in front of her.

"I'm on Your Team." Santana read aloud. "How cheesy." She said. "Do you have ones that say I'm on both Your Teams for Brittany to wear?" She said sarcastically.

Santana noticed the way Brittany brought the t-shirt closer to her body to shield the lettering on her shirt from Santana's view.

"Oh my God." Santana looked around at the rest of the room. "What does this even do? How does this make Melanie any less dead?"

"Santana-" Brian interrupted. "I know you're upset. We all are but-"

"No." She stopped him with a wave of her hand. "I don't want to wear a t-shirt to show how gay I am. I don't want to wear rainbow and gallivant down the street. I just want to be. And I don't think I should have to announce it to everyone and defend it and wear some sort of ridiculous t-shirt with some stupid saying to legitimize it."

The room was dead silent. Santana took it as her cue to leave. She headed towards the door.

"We're going to tonight's memorial together." Brian started. "Wearing these shirts."

"That's great. I'm not going." Santana pulled away from Brittany's reaching hand as she made her way out the door.

* * *

><p>Santana stepped carefully into her house. She really just wanted to get back to her room and nurse her hangover in bed for the rest of the day.<p>

But she didn't get past the kitchen without being spotted.

"Santana!" Her dad called.

Santana froze on the spot. She turned to face him.

"Your mother has been looking for you." He said.

Santana cringed internally. She looked over his shoulder, half-expecting to find her mother sitting at the table drinking a coffee.

He glanced up the stairs. "She's in the office."

Santana raised an eyebrow. In the years she's lived in this house, she was pretty sure her mother never spent a single minute inside the office. She wasn't really that much of a reader.

"Yeah." Her father said as if he had just read her mind. "I think she found that 50 Shades book."

Santana cringed internally for a whole different reason.

"It's just that." Her father rubbed the back of his neck. "She's been locked up there all week and she won't tell me what's she's doing. It's got to be that dirty book."

Santana held up her hands to stop him from talking and speculating any further.

"But yeah she wanted to speak to you." He said. "Just- knock before you go in."

"Oh God." Santana mumbled as she made her way up the stairs.

"Santana." Her father called up to her when she made it to the top of the stairs.

Santana turned around slowly, bracing herself for whatever mentally scarring thing he was about to say.

"I love you." He said.

Santana felt her lips curl upwards. "I love you, too."

He smiled up at her before he turned back into the kitchen.

Santana made her way to the study. She knocked once but her mother didn't respond. She knocked again even louder this time and waited longer for an answer this time.

Still nothing.

She debated with herself for five minutes outside the door before she gently pushed it open.

"Mom?" She called loudly through the opening. She paused for a while before she finally pushed open the door and stepped into the room.

Her mother wasn't in the study but she found evidence that she had been locked in here and reading for a week.

She thanked God that it wasn't one of those 50 Shades books like her father had thought. But there were a pile of other books and by the titles she wasn't sure if these were any better.

Then she saw the pamphlets.

Well one in particular with a familiar drawing of the praying man and the same awkward title.

It was the pamphlet from Brian's office.

"Santana."

Santana jumped. She dropped the pamphlet back onto the desk and turned around to find her mother watching her from the threshold.

"How are you?" Her mother asked gently.

Santana shrugged. She was more curious about the piles of books and papers sitting on her mother's desk.

"After talking to your girl-friend at dinner…" Her mother said. "I was a little confused."

Her mother grabbed a book book from the pile. She ran her hands over the jacket. Santana tilted her head to read the title 'Coming Out of Homosexuality.'

She looked back up at her mother.

"Father Gerry gave me this one." She said sadly.

"I went to him when I first found out. Our family had been a part of his church for so long, I thought he would help." She said. "But once I started to read this, I just-" She finally looked up from the book and Santana saw the wetness threatening in her eyes. "I just didn't want to believe such hateful things."

"In a way it was kind of selfish." She said. She placed the book back on the desk behind her. She stared at it for a while as she spoke. "If you were sick or broken then it meant that this was all my fault. I knew that if anyone did something to break you or hurt you that it was me. I knew it was. And I didn't want to live with that guilt. I didn't want to live with myself knowing that I failed so horribly as a mother."

"Mom its-" Santana started but her mother held up her hand to stop her.

Her mother reached for another book. It was a smaller book with a white cover. Santana squinted to read some of the title: '_God Believes in Love'_

"So I went to Brian. He recommended more books to me." She gestured to the larger pile on the other side of the desk. "They explain it a lot better." Santana felt her eyes boring into her. "You aren't a condition or a defect. You just are." She let out a small little smile. "I think that's the hardest part to understand." She looked back down. "It's just-when so many people are saying so many different things, it's hard to know which is which. I still thinking I'm sorting through it."

Santana watched as she rounded the desk and pulled out a small little box from the top drawer.

She cradled the box in her hand and took a deep breath. "I got you something."

She smiled. "Well I didn't _get_ technically. It would be more accurate to say I had something adjusted." She pushed the box across the desk until it was sitting a couple of inches away from Santana.

Santana looked down at the little black box and was almost worried about what she was going to find inside.

"Open it." Her mother said.

Santana looked up to see her almost bouncing on her heels from excitement. It reminded Santana of all those Christmas mornings when she was little and her family was still a family and Christmas was almost more exciting for the parents then it was for the kids.

Santana pulled the box off the top. She let out a gasp at the beautiful silver cross that was inside.

But it wasn't just a silver cross. It had a wreath of rainbow stones draped across it. Santana had to swallow back the scratching feeling in the back of her throat.

"Mom." Santana said. "This is-" When she brought the cross closer she realized just how familiar it looked. "Wait isn't this-"

"It was Dominic's cross." Her mother said. "I had a jeweler add the stones."

Santana knew she had lost the battle against her tears when she looked up at her mother.

"I just thought, if Dominic was here it would have been easier for you. If he was still here he would have protected you and he would have supported you. I knew he wouldn't mind if you have his cross. If he was here you wouldn't have been-"

Santana wrapped her arms around her mother's neck and brought her in for a hug. "It's amazing mom." She pulled her mom closer over the divider of the desk. "I love it."

When she finally pulled back she could feel her mother's eye's watching her cautiously.

"You do?" Her mother asked skeptically.

"I do." Santana affirmed.

Her mother reached for the cross but she pulled back and looked up into Santana's eyes.

"Can I-" Her mother's gestured towards the cross.

Santana nodded. She handed the necklace to her mother.

Her mother gently closed the clasp around Santana's neck.

"You have to promise me something." Her mother said as Santana felt the chain drop around her neck.

"Anything." Santana said.

Her mother adjusted the cross so the rainbow stones glistened in the sunlight.

"Never hide it." Her mother said. "From anyone."

* * *

><p>Brittany wished Santana was here.<p>

Everything was just making her so sad. It was nice of Rachel to let Brittany hold her hand but she so badly wanted it to be Santana's.

What made everything worse was how much of a spectacle it had turned into. It wasn't really a memorial for Melanie anymore, even though her pictures were everywhere to remind everyone. It had turned into a religious and political platform for leaders all over the country. People were showing up in their fancy limos and town cars and being led into the building by people in dark suits who were muttering into wires plugged into their ears.

There were also people standing outside. They were divided into two groups. One group held signs with bad words, hateful sayings and misunderstood bible quotes. They chanted things when Brittany was walking with the rest of Your Team. She was thankful when Sam covered her ears on the way in.

She was happy she couldn't hear what they said.

But there were nice people here too. They held colorful signs with Melanie's picture on it. Brittany recognized it from the one's they had been using on the news.

But they weren't very nice to Father Gerry and the other people from Love Can Win when they pulled up.

Brittany couldn't really blame them.

Brittany didn't think Father Gerry belonged here.

Maybe if he was here to say he was sorry but Brittany was pretty positive he wasn't here for that.

But she didn't have time to be upset about that. She didn't have time to be upset with the protesters and their mean signs. She had to be upset about Melanie because that's what today was about and she wasn't going to let the rest of it distract her.

Brittany was happy when the memorial started up and people started to stand in front of a podium. They talked about the Melanie they knew from Chemistry lab and the Melanie they knew from soccer. Relatives talked about a baby Melanie who was cute and sweet and tiny and innocent. It was touching and heart-wrenching and Brittany had learned things about Melanie that she never knew about.

Like Melanie played the flute for most of her short life.

She wished Melanie could have had a chance to bring her flute to Youth Group.

Then Father Gerry spoke.

Except he didn't bother to mention Melanie once.

He talked about Love Can Win.

He talked about gay people like they were a disease that needed to be cured.

Father Gerry finished talked and stepped down from a room that was shocked to silence.

Then the room erupted into confused chatter as people tried to make sense of what Father Gerry had said.

Then the strangest thing happened.

A frail looking man in a dress shirt and slacks walked up to Brian. He spoke softly through the tears that he was battling behind his eyes. Brittany only heard him because she was standing so close.

He asked Brian to speak out about Love Can Win.

He asked Brian to defend his daughter.

He asked Brian to do for Melanie what he didn't do for her.

So Brian stepped onto the platform.

The room slowed to silence as people noticed Brian standing patiently in front of the small podium.

"Powerful religious voices, such as Father Gerry's, denouncing LGBT people allows for hate and ignorance to flourish." Brian said. "Melanie was a beautiful young girl and now she's just a statistic. She's just another teen, who was struggling with her sexuality and her religious identity and who eventually decided it was easier to end her life than to live it."

He paused for a second to allow the room to take in his words. "I've seen too many of these. Honestly one is too many but I've seen way more than that. And it all started with my best friend Kyle."

* * *

><p>Santana didn't know why she recognized the name from Brian's lips. But she did.<p>

She had heard him mention it before.

The she remembered the first time she had met Brian in the grocery store:

_xxxx_

_"Say that to Kyle's family." Brian said. _

_"That was just one." Father Gerry responded._

_"That was a kid. That was a life. It wasn't just a number." Brian said. "When are you going to realize that?"_

_xxxx_

"There was a new program starting in my town. It was very much like Love Can Win except it ran under a different name. But it did have an exciting new priest named Father Gerry that spearheaded it." Brian continued.

Brian locked eyes with Father Gerry. Santana glanced over to see the sick little smile growing on Father Gerry's face.

"Kyle had been my best friend since we were children, we were inseparable, we shared a love of sports and a love of faith but then everything changed. He told me he was having thoughts about men. Thoughts he shouldn't have. He was embarrassed and he was disgusted in himself and he just wanted them to stop."

"So he went through treatment with Father Gerry. Hours of prayer, corporal mortification, and therapy didn't seem to help. They even tried giving him more 'masculine clothing' and teaching him more 'manly' habits and activities. But nothing worked and Kyle quickly lost hope. He took his life three months after starting treatment with Father Gerry."

"Kyle had been promised a cure. He was promised that if he prayed hard enough, that if he wanted it bad enough then God would 'fix' him. But it's not something you can turn on and off and it took watching Kyle's struggles for me to really understand this."

"I know that sexuality can be a difficult thing to understand. You can't really explain why some people are straight and other people are gay but how many young lives do we have to lose before we see that places like Love Can Win and the hateful speeches given by people like Father Gerry are unacceptable."

Santana watched Father Gerry for any type of reaction. His smile didn't falter.

"They are torturing our children." Something clanged against the podium

Santana turned to see a metal cilice lying across the wood. She felt sick to her stomach.

"Our children, our friends are being told to wear these." Brian ran his fingers over the points of the metal.

"You have no proof." Father Gerry called out. His smile grew. "You have made these claims before, Brian" Father Gerry said. "But not a single student has backed up one of your lies."

Brian swallowed. "I would never want them to get subjected to any more of your-"

Father Gerry's smile grew. He had Brian exactly where he wanted him. "You cannot make claims like this without any proof. That is slander, Brian."

Santana heard grumbles in the crowd.

People were agreeing with Father Gerry.

She wasn't sure what was leading her body towards the front of the stage. She wasn't sure if it was Father Gerry's disgusting cocky smile or if she was maybe still a little drunk from last night but before she knew it she was standing next to a shell-shocked Brian and lifting up the hem of her skirt to show the scars left on her thigh from the cilice.

She grabbed the metal device and laid it next to the scars for comparison. She held her body still as the flash bulbs burned and the cameras zoomed in.

Santana looked up to finally see the smile fall from Father Gerry's face before he was pushed out of the room by his security team. Santana caught a glimpse of one of Melanie's memorial pictures on the wall.

And Santana could have sworn she was smirking.

**/***

**Author's Note: Thank you guys for continuing to inspire me and this story. Read, Review, Enjoy. **

**Also I'm forever thankful to my beta: postapocalypticcerialgirl for her inspiration and encouragement :)**

***/**


	23. Reunions

Santana knows she should be freaking out right now.

She should be overwhelmed by the flashing pictures and the journalists and all the people that are going to see this on their TV tonight and knows she's gay.

But the little piece of her that is worried is buried underneath a wave of relief and something else. She looked back up at Melanie's pictures as the gasps reverberated around the room. She starts to feel like people knowing the truth isn't the worst thing in the world. She wished she knew that sooner.

Maybe she could have told Melanie.

Maybe people she don't even know will see her face and attach the label of lesbian with a hint of distain and an air of judgment.

But she doesn't care.

Because there will be people like her dad who don't care at all. There will be people like Brian who embrace it. There will be people like Brittany who just want you to be happy.

And then there will be people like her mom who don't understand it but will try to anyway. Santana knows those are the people that should matter in her life. And if people are going to label her and hate her for no reason besides the fact that she's honest with herself then she wants nothing to do with them.

Plus she's been carry her worries and shame for too long. She needs to let it go. She has this amazing girlfriend and she just wants to show her off to the world.

But she can't do that if she's hiding.

Also there's this little part of her that's replaying the look on Father Gerry's face over and over again in her head and she can't help but smile.

Love Can Win took a big hit tonight. And for the first time Santana feels like Brian might have a chance at this thing. Brian could help end Love Can Win and their Ex-gay therapy.

She finds herself staring at the old snow on the ground next to the road. It's brown from all the sand and debris sprinkled on it from the past couple days of busy traffic.

"I like your necklace." Brittany's voice startled Santana from her thoughts.

Santana turned her body so Brittany could get a better view of her new cross. Brittany looked over from her spot behind the steering wheel. She reached across and ran her fingers over the multi-colored stones.

"My mom gave it to me." Santana answered the unasked question.

Brittany turned to move the car forward with traffic. Santana watched her lips curve upward in a proud little smile.

"It's really pretty." Brittany glanced back over to say it.

"It was Dominic's." Santana said.

"He had a rainbow cross?" Brittany said. Santana looked over to see Brittany's head tilt in thought. "Was he a psychic?"

Santana let out a short laugh. "My mom had the stones added."

Santana felt a pang of pride when Brittany's smile grew.

"Well it's perfect." Brittany added.

Santana nodded in agreement. A comfortable silence filled the car as they inched forward little by little, almost completely halted by bumper to bumper traffic.

"I'd told my parents we'd probably be late." Brittany said.

Santana looked over to meet her gaze.

"My dad always knows the sneaky places to park so he doesn't get caught in traffic." She added. "But I told them I had to get my car from church."

Santana nodded in acknowledgment before she watched the car roll forward just a little bit more.

"You know-" Brittany's voice dropped an octane lower. "-if I just turn left, we'd be five minutes from my apartment."

Santana glanced at the road up ahead. "Okay…"

"We could stop for a quickie." Brittany added.

Santana studied Brittany's face for a second before she let out a laugh. "Brittany…" She turned her head away from Brittany to let out a few more laughs.

"Only half-joking." Brittany whispered. She turned back to the road as the cars moved forward again.

Santana whipped her head back around. "So you're half-serious?" She asked.

"Am I half a lesbian?" Brittany whispered with a waggle of her eyebrows.

Santana let out a low laugh. "We can't." She said more to herself then to Brittany.

"My parents will never know." Brittany shrugged and inched the car forward yet again.

For some reason the mention of Brittany's parents knocked all of the sexy thoughts out of Santana's head. She knows how parents work. She knows they'll see right through her and know she just violated their daughter.

Brittany let out a sigh in defeat. "But you're probably right." She said. "I don't think I could make it a quickie anyway." Brittany said without looking over.

For some reason that made the thought of seeing Brittany's parents even worse. She lost all control of her brain now and all she had were sexy thoughts.

"You were super sexy today." Brittany said after a few minutes of silence.

Santana didn't understand how that talk was going to help her regain control of her brain.

Santana raised an eyebrow. "At the memorial? Because sexy was not what I was going for..."

"I know-" Brittany paused. "But you did a really amazing thing today."

Santana nearly jumped out of her skin when Brittany turned to look at her. Santana felt like she's staring straight through her in the way only Brittany could.

Santana really hoped she couldn't see how close she was to saying yes to that quickie.

"It just made me fall more in love with you." Brittany said.

Santana froze, with what she knew was a dorky grin on her face when Brittany turned back to move the car forward.

"Also - Nice legs, Daisy Dukes," Brittany half-sang, half-spoke. "Makes a Britt go-" She whistled and fist pumped.

Santana watched her for a second before she burst into laughter.

"I love you." Santana said once her laughter subsided.

"I know." Brittany deadpanned with a half-shoulder shrug. Santana could see her grinning even though she had her eyes fixed on the road and its non-moving cars.

"I love you more." Brittany added.

Santana gasped in pretend offense.

"Lies." Santana said. "I definitely love you more."

"Prove it." Brittany deadpanned again.

"I will." Santana added dropping to her sexy voice. She knew she could beat Brittany at her own game. "After dinner." She added. Santana knew she had won when she ran her fingers down Brittany's arm and felt her shiver from the touch.

This was going to be a long dinner for both of them.

* * *

><p>This was new.<p>

Santana had never allowed Brittany to show any sign of affection in a public place and granted right now they were practically hidden , tucked away from the rest of the world, by a row of cars deep in the parking lot of breadsticks, but still.

This felt so amazing and Brittany couldn't control herself.

"Brittany." Her name came off Santana's lips as something that was a mix between a grumble and a moan.

"Just five more minutes." Brittany muttered against Santana's neck. They could still blame their lateness on the Lima traffic. She knew her parents would totally believe it.

She planned more kisses against Santana's jawline and could tell just by the heavy breath that escaped Santana that her protests weren't completely honest.

Brittany felt Santana's muscles tighten. Brittany tried to kiss them loose.

"Brittany." She hissed.

Brittany tried to kiss her slower and more carefully this time.

"No." The seriously of Santana's tone mixed with the pressure against her shoulders, caused Brittany to look up. She found Santana staring at something on the other side of the windshield.

Brittany whipped around to find Father Gerry standing in front of her car, his hands leaning against her hood.

There were several people standing in the rows behind him and next to him.

"Let's go." Brittany whispered. She jumped out of the car and got around to the passenger side to help Santana out. She had slammed her door and clicked on her alarm when Father Gerry finally decided to speak.

"What a disgusting display of-"

"Love and affection." Brittany snipped back. "You should try it some time."

She tried to pull Santana away but she was staring back at the group.

"Abuela?" Santana whispered. Her proud, brave voice fell to barely a whisper.

Brittany's eyes shot to the small figure standing next to Father Gerry. She locked eyes with the frail woman and watched as she stepped forward to stand in front of Santana. She could see the way Santana's knees buckled just enough to make her stand a couple inches shorter than normal.

Her abuela's fingers ghosted over the new pride cross on Santana's neck.

She saw her fingers twitch dangerously over the pendant. Santana pushed her hand away before she could take this one away from her too.

"Don't." There was a pleading tone to Santana's voice.

The slap of a hand against a cheek echoed through the bitter air. Santana's hand reached to cover the reddening skin of her face.

"That wasn't yours to defile." Her Abuela hissed before she turned back to join the group behind Father Gerry.

Brittany watched the group disappear before she turned her attention to Santana. Santana still had a hand wrapped protectively around the cross. Brittany brought her hand to Santana's cheek. She ran her thumb over the delicate skin.

"You're okay." Brittany whispered.

Santana buried her head into Brittany's shoulder. Her hand still clutched desperately around her cross.

"You're okay." Brittany repeated.

"Do you want to leave?" Brittany asked.

Santana paused for a second, Brittany took it as her cue. She pulled her car keys from her pocket and took a step towards the driver's side door.

"No." Santana spoke loudly and clearly. Her head shook back and forth just to enforce it. "Your parents are waiting."

She offered her hand to Brittany.

Their hands waved proudly at their sides as they walked through the parking lot and up to the hostess.

* * *

><p>Brittany took another sip of her water and looked across the room at Father Gerry and his 'gang'. She had caught him watching their table a few times and she got this uneasy feeling that it really wasn't coincidence that he found them in the parking lot and was now eating across the room from them.<p>

Then again this was the most popular restaurant in town.

Maybe she was just hoping it was a coincidence.

"Brittany." Her dad called.

Brittany started choking on her water.

Santana padded her back a couple of times before Brittany remembered how to breathe.

"Are you alright?" Her dad asked.

"I'm fine." Brittany said through a ragged breath. "Just wrong pipe." She coughed a few more times to fix the scratchiness that was causing her eyes to water.

"No." Her dad shook his head. "I mean you both seem like you're a bit – freaked out- about something."

"Was it the memorial?" Her mom asked. "I would understand if you both were still a little drained from everything that happened today."

"No." Santana said. "Well yeah but-" Santana nodded over at the other end of the restaurant where Father Gerry was just getting served his dinner.

"Oh." Her mom whispered.

"Well." Her dad started. "It's a very small town. You're bound to seem them around."

"Yeah." Brittany said.

"I just feel like I'm going to see them around more than usual." Santana said.

* * *

><p>Santana wasn't really sure why she had agreed to this in the first place but Brittany was really excited about it and sometimes it's just really hard to say no to that face, especially when she was smiling that hopeful little smile of hers.<p>

So she said yes.

But then she came down to earth.

People were going to ask all these questions. She barely understood her sexuality. She barely understood why she liked Brittany. She just did.

How could she put into words something she barely understood herself?

She was going to just make everyone more confused and that was going to make things even worse.

Brian directed them inside the church. The pews were pushed back against the walls like they usually were for Youth Group except instead of arranging the chairs in a large circle they were arranged into several rows.

The rows were facing four stools that were sitting on a little platform.

And there were so many chairs.

She was going to vomit.

"Just be honest." Brian said when he noticed Santana hadn't followed him up towards the little stage. "Just be honest and be yourself. Everyone's experiences are different."

Santana felt Brittany's fingers wrap around her own as she was pulled forward.

"So you guys are going to be standing up here." Brian said he gestured towards the four stools.

"Where's everyone else?" Santana said looked over at the two empty stools.

She wasn't going to be left alone up here.

"David just called." Brian added. "He's leaving Scandals now."

Santana let out a little exhale in relief.

"I just got to finish setting up some-" Brian looked up towards the door. "Oh, hey Sam!"

Santana looked up to find Sam standing at the door. He was of course accompanied by Mercedes. They were pretty much a package set nowadays.

"And hello Mercedes." Brian added. He walked up the aisle to meet Sam and Mercedes.

"Oh." Brian froze. "I don't think we've meet."

Santana looked up at the two bodies she hadn't noticed standing at the threshold.

"I'm Sugar."

Santana was pretty sure she was going to crush Brittany's fingers at this point.

"And this is my friend Quinn."

"Santana-" Brittany whispered as she ripped her hand away from the pain. She watched Santana for a minute as she rubbed the feeling back into her fingertips.

"Hello." Brian said to both of them, Quinn gave him a quick smile before her eyes flashed up over his shoulders and landed on Santana.

Santana shifted uncomfortably under her gaze.

"Gay people are always late to things." Sugar whispered not very quietly to Quinn. "I think I saw that on Bravo once."

"You guys are actually early." Brian corrected. "Come on." He gestured for the group to follow him into his office. "You can help me finish setting up."

Santana watched the back of Quinn's head as she disappeared into the side room.

She was totally going to throw up.

* * *

><p>This was the largest turn out Brian had ever had at the church, or so he said. His excitement did nothing to quench the queasiness that Santana felt in her stomach. Every single seat was filled. And there were lines of people standing behind the rows and in the aisles.<p>

Why did Santana agree to this again?

"I wanted to thank you all for coming to Your Team's first ever LGBT Question and Answer session ." Brian said. "This turn out has been absolutely spectacular and I invite all of you to ask any questions you see fit and we'll do our best to answer it. I would, however, like you to understand that the panel we have here today is doing a very brave and very kind thing by standing in front of you. Sexuality is a very personal and very complicated thing so if you ask any questions that someone is too uncomfortable to answer they will just let you know. Does that make sense?"

Some people grumbled, others just nodded in agreement.

"Excellent. Before we start with questions I'm just going to let the panel introduce themselves."

Brian pointed to the other end of the line.

"Hello my name is Ginny Tonic." She shifted the feather boa over her neck. "You'll be shocked to know that I'm transgender and I work as a performer over at Scandals. You guys should come on by its open to all, gay, straight, questioning, questionable. Especially welcome to those who love to dance." Ginny sent a wink down Brittany's way. Santana watched Brittany return it with a grin.

There was a pause, Ginny turned to look at David who was sitting next to her.

"My name is David Karofsky." David shifted in his seat. "I used to work as a bartender at Scandals but I'm currently training full-time for football. And I'm gay."

David looked over at Santana. She swallowed the lump in her throat. For some reason her eyes instantly found Quinn in the huge crowd.

Of course they did.

"I'm Santana Lopez." Santana couldn't pull her eyes away from Quinn. "I'm kind of unemployed right now so I'm not doing much of anything. But I'm a lesbian that's sort of something."

She heard a couple of people laugh in the crowd. Quinn kind of laughed too. Maybe that was a good thing.

"I'm Brittany Susan Pierce." Santana heard Brittany speaking next to her. She turned to see Brittany wearing the most beautiful smile. "I'm a dancer – the regular kind- not the exotic kind- and I identify as bisexual."

There was a silence from the group. Brian stepped to the front of the aisle.

"So does anyone-"

Someone's hand shot up before Brian could finish his sentence. Santana internally rolled her eyes when she saw that it was Sugar.

Brian nodded his head at her and she stood up to speak.

Santana was relieved when she realized that Sugar wasn't even looking at her when she spoke, she was directing her question towards Brittany.

"Why did you say 'identify as', does that mean you plan on changing you're mind?" Sugar asked.

Santana looked over at Brittany. She was smiling at Sugar before she opened her mouth to speak.

"Sometimes my mom labels her folders so she knows what's inside it without have to open it and read everything. But sometimes what's inside changes and she crosses the label out and writes a new one. Actually now she uses the label maker my sister got her for Christmas so she just rips it off so it doesn't get all messy anymore."

Santana looked back over at the crowd. Sugar's head was tilted in confusion.

"Oh, okay." Sugar said when she realized Brittany was waiting for her to respond. "But-aren't bisexuals, just people who just haven't made up their mind yet?"

Mercedes pulled Sugar back down to her seat. Santana could tell by the little yelp that escaped Sugar's mouth that she didn't pull her down very gently.

Santana flashed her eyes back to Brittany. Brittany smiled sadly.

"Actually, a lot of people think that people who come out as bisexual are actually just confused or lying or trying to seem straight but that isn't the case at all. People who are bisexual are a little bit of everything. They're greedy." Brittany smiled. "They have connections with both genders. At least that's what it's like for me. It's different for everyone. But I also know that some people think we're not gay enough for the gay community and not straight enough for the straight community and we aren't always welcome some call it bisexual erasure. I just call it kinda mean."

"Does that bother you?" Someone called out from the crowd.

Santana tried to match the face to the question but she didn't catch it in time.

Brittany shrugged before she answered. "Sometimes it did. I mean it does. I make jokes about it and try to lighten how I feel about it." Santana could see tears threatening in Brittany's eyes. "But I'm not any less of a person because of who I love. I will always be bisexual whether I'm dating a man or I'm dating a woman. It doesn't change and I don't think I controlled who I fell in love with. It just sort of happened."

"Okay." Brian stepped into the line of questioning. "Do we have any questions for Ginny maybe?"

There was another question asked but Santana wasn't listening. She looked over to see Brittany wiping away the moisture at her eyes.

"I didn't know that." Santana whispered. She grazed her finger tips comfortingly down Brittany's arms.

"Know what?" Brittany whispered.

"Any of that." Santana said.

She took Brittany's hand and brought it into her lap and listened to Ginny start to answer some question about her life.

Then the doors burst open and a large crowd of people filed in.

"I have a question."

Santana's hair stood up on instinct. She looked up to see Father Gerry standing at the head of the group. They had everything but their pitchforks and torches.

"What's it like to be an abomination against nature?" Father Gerry asked.

Brian let out a frustrated sigh. "I don't really think this is the place-"

"The sign says that this is open to the community." Father Gerry said. The group behind him gave grunts of agreement. "And we're members of the community. And we have some questions too."

Brian stood in front of the panel, his fists were balled at his sides but he didn't stop Father Gerry from speaking again.

"Do you not fear God will strike us down like he struck down Sodom and Gomorrah?" Father Gerry. The crowd parted as he made his way up until he was standing at the center of the aisle.

"Dude, what is your problem?" Santana heard come from the crowd. It sounded a lot like Sam.

"They are an abomination. Homosexual acts are against God Himself." Father Gerry said. His crowd erupted into a grumble of support.

"And what should I do about it?" Santana was on her feet and shouting back before her brain could catch up to her actions. She folded her arms across her chest to keep from shrinking underneath the gaze of the entire room.

Father Gerry hesitated for a second before he looked back up at her.

"What?" He asked.

"If there's something wrong with me. What should I do about it?" Santana repeated.

Father Gerry glanced around as if he were checking for any signs that it was a trap.

"You can come to Love Can Win. We can try to cure you." Father Gerry said.

Santana waited for a second for the crowd to settle down before she spoke again. "And if that doesn't work, what should I do? Should I kill myself like Melanie?"

Father Gerry swallowed a lump in his through. "Of course not." He swallowed again. "A-anyone who cannot overcome same-sex attractions should practice chastity just as those who are unmarried."

Santana couldn't help but let out a laugh at that. "And by a show of hands how many of you –" Santana dared to glanced around the room and wished she hadn't when she saw the number of eyes watching her. "-practice or plan to practice the vow of chastity. For those of you playing the home game, that means no sex before marriage."

Santana looked around at the room. A couple of hands shot up in the row of chairs and several more hands shot up from Father Gerry's group. A lot more hands were down. Santana looked back at Father Gerry with a victorious smirk on her face. She knew he was purposely avoiding looking around the room.

"Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." Santana quoted.

Father Gerry remained silent. His eyes bore into Santana.

"Alright." Brian said. Santana looked over to see a huge smile on his face. "I think we're done for today. Thank you all for coming out! If any of you are interested, there's some coffee and cookies in the back room."

The group behind Father Gerry filed out before he ever started to move. Santana saw the desperation in his eyes before he turned and left.

"That was awesome." Brittany whispered.

* * *

><p>Santana's was thankful when Brittany grabbed the coffee pot from her. Her hand was shaking too much to pour anything and there was a good chance that she was going to wear that scalding coffee.<p>

But when her brain calculated the pure volume of people that were there and what she had just said her mind was in overdrive. What the fuck did she just do and when the fuck did she get the balls to do something like that?

"Hey Santana."

She was so thankful Brittany stepped in to pour her coffee. She would definitely be wearing it now. She looked up to see Quinn and Sugar standing in tow next to Sam and Mercedes.

Santana was enveloped by a classic lung crushing Sugar hug before she could react. "What you did up there was amazing, girl." Sugar said. She finally let go and Santana could breathe again. "And that thing you said about the stone was genius. Was that something Yoda said?"

"Jesus." Santana corrected with a tilt of her head.

"What?" Sugar looked around for some help. "What did I say?"

Santana just shook her head. Before she had time to recover Quinn was standing in front of her. Quinn hesitated. She leaned slowly for a careful hug. Santana knew she was giving her every opportunity to reject her.

"That was great." Quinn said. "The Yoda quote was my favorite part."

Santana let out a little chuckle as they separated and stood back. Santana fell in line next to Brittany.

"Oh." Santana said. "This is my girlfriend, Brittany."

Santana put her hand on the small of Brittany's back to guide her forward.

Santana saved the coffee in Brittany's hand seconds before Sugar caught her off guard with another bone crushing hug.

"Um, Hi." Brittany said as she awkwardly wrapped her hands around Sugar. She looked at Santana for help.

Santana could only shrug in response. "That's Sugar." Santana said both as explanation and introduction.

"Oh yeah Hi." Sugar stepped back to shake Brittany's hand.

She stepped back and Quinn stepped forward to shake Brittany's hand too. "I'm Quinn." She said. "We all went to high school together."

"Oh, Hi." Brittany said.

"This is weird." Sugar said. She gestured towards Santana's hand that was still resting on the small of Santana's back.

Santana felt her body stiffen. Instinct was carrying her towards defensive mode.

Sugar backpedaled at the glare Mercedes sent her way.

"No." Sugar said. "I just mean the whole affectionate Santana thing."

"Santana's not usually affectionate?" Brittany asked like Sugar had missed the most obvious thing in the world.

Mercedes, Quinn and Sugar all laughed.

"Okay well anyway." Santana said. She searched her brain for anything she could use to distract from the current topic.

"She was more likely to smack you upside the head then hug you." Mercedes added.

Santana scowled.

"I like this new Santana much better." Mercedes added.

Quinn and Sugar nodded in agreement.

"Santana!" Santana whipped her head around at the unfamiliar voice calling her name. Instead of a face she saw a phone being shoved into her view. "This video of you already has ten thousand hits and I just uploaded it!"

Santana looked up from the screen to a man with the biggest hair Santana had ever seen.

"I'm sorry do I know you?" She asked.

"No." He said, he brought the phone up to Santana's face again. "But ten-thousand-hits and I haven't even tweeted it yet!"

"JBI." Brittany stepped forward and took the phone from him. "What are you talking about?" She studied the screen.

"JBI?" Santana said. "Is that something I should get tested for?"

Brittany didn't look up from the phone.

"Jacob Ben Israel." The man with the big hair held out his hand, Santana shook it hesitantly. "I'm a blogger and you my friend are about to become a Youtube sensation."

"A what?" Santana said.

**/* Author's Note: Thank you to my lovely beta as usual! And thanks to my readers, reviewers and followers. Your messages and reviews are always inspiring .. Keep on being awesome! I hope you enjoyed this last chapter Let me know what you think! And check me out on tumblr (same name as here) . tumblr . com!*/**


	24. Hopeless Part I

David had said the camera crew didn't follow him around everywhere. David had said that the producer guy would ask him where he was going that day or what he had planned for that night and decide if it was worth it for the crew to film. That was why Santana had agreed to a trip to the fucking bowling alley in the first place.

What's so fucking spectacular about throwing a heavy ass ball down a shiny hardwood floor?

But there they were with their giant-ass camera and their obnoxious lighting and they were filming every little thing and it was fucking annoying. Especially when she was this embarrassingly bad at bowling.

Who the fuck wanted to be good at bowling anyway?

She slumped down into the seat next to Brittany and let out a huff of air. She tried to ignore the giant camera that shifted to follow her movements. They told her to pretend like it wasn't there but it was really hard to do that when she knew people would be watching this embarrassment later and she would have to live it over and over and over again.

"You'll do better next time." Brittany said. She rubbed Santana's back in an attempt to soother her.

It didn't work.

Of course, it didn't work, especially when she looked up and saw Brittany was actually like fucking awesome at bowling. She had already broken a hundred.

Santana couldn't even break a dozen.

"How are things going with the Your Team Fundraiser?" Kurt said.

Santana looked down from the score to see Kurt watching her. His legs were crossed in front of him and his hands were folded on his knee. It looked like Kurt had gotten so used to this camera crew thing. Santana knew every piece of his outfit and every one of his movements and comments were carefully planned and calculated. He was way too good at these things. It was better than Santana who had almost dropped a bowling ball on the cameraman's foot and had already been asked to stop looking directly at the camera when she was speaking, twice.

"It's going good- well." Santana said. The camera seemed to be getting closer to her face but she keep her eyes forward.

"Are you guys still doing the talent show?" Kurt asked.

Santana nodded. Santana had gotten more involved in David's Your Team charity in the past few weeks. Thanks to JBI and his blogging she was actually kind of famous. Well not real famous.

Your Team was doing a charity fundraising event to bring awareness to the horrible ex-gay therapy methods and bring in some money to get a Your Team hotline up and running. Somehow Brian had managed to rope Santana into helping organize it. Santana would be lying if she said she wasn't enjoying it.

"Did you find a location?" Kurt asked.

Santana looked over at the cameras before she shook her head. They actually had decided on a location. The McKinley High auditorium was the only venue in town they could afford for the ripe old price of free but along with beautiful emails of support and thanks Santana had also gotten some scary ones, so they decided to keep the venue quiet until the very last minute.

"Did you schedule any talent yet?" David sat down and looped his arm around Kurt's shoulders. Brittany stood up to take her turn.

"I have some." Santana said.

"Did you ask Rachel?" Kurt asked.

Santana knew she visibly cringed. Brittany wasn't out of earshot yet because she turned around.

"She hasn't talked to Rachel yet." Brittany said.

"Why?!" Kurt said. "Rachel would do that in a heartbeat, heck she'd probably do the whole show."

Santana sunk lower in her seat. "I know that." She said.

"Then why haven't you asked her?" Kurt said.

"Because that would involve like-talking to her and stuff." Santana said. She kept her eyes fixed on Brittany as she bowled. She couldn't help seeing the look Kurt and David exchanged out of the corner of her eye before Kurt opened his mouth to speak.

The ring on David's phone interrupted him.

"Oh." David jumped up from his seat. "I have to take this." He walked off into the corner and started whispering into his phone. The camera crew trailed off behind him.

Kurt opened his mouth again to speak but his eyes looked back at David. Santana was content enough to be off the hook from the Rachel conversation.

"Why are we staring?" Brittany fell into Santana's lap. Santana instinctively wrapped and arm around her back.

"Kurt's staring." Santana said.

"David's been waiting for a call." Kurt said. He didn't look away from David. Santana watched a smile creep across his face before he turned away from the cameras.

"What kind of call?" Brittany said. She leaned her head against Santana's shoulder.

"I'm not allowed to say." Kurt said.

"Kurt!" Santana called. Kurt jumped in his seat before he turned to look at Santana. "What the fuck is the call about?"

Kurt looked around. He must have finally decided the cameras were too distracted by David to pick up what he was saying. "David's been emailing this manager guy for a team."

"A pro football team?" Santana asked.

"I think so?" Kurt said. He glanced back over at David. "Pro football teams play in Arenas right?"

"Pro football teams play in stadiums." Brittany said. Santana felt Brittany running her hands slowly through her hair. It was pretty obvious Brittany was getting bored of the whole bowling thing and had much different things in mind.

Santana was heading down that path too. She closed her eyes for a second before she shook her head back to concentrate.

"So it's for the Arena Football League?" Santana asked.

Kurt shrugged. He opened his mouth to say something but David was walking over, his white teeth shining through the biggest smile.

"Well…" Kurt asked. He reached up to take David's hand.

The camera crew looped around the back of the booth to get a better shot of the two.

"I've been emailing the GM of the Chicago Rush." David said to Brittany in Santana in explanation.

"And-" David looked back over at Kurt. "I'm officially a starting LB for the Chicago Rush."

Kurt was already on his feet and embracing David in a tight hug.

"I mean it's only the AFL." David said. "But they'll be NFL scouts there and it's only a matter of time after that." He said from over Kurt's shoulders.

Kurt pulled back to look at him. "Those are all a bunch of letters that barely mean anything to me." He said before he brought David back into a tight hug.

"There's only one thing." David said.

Kurt pulled back so he could meet David's eyes.

"Preseason starts in a week." David said.

* * *

><p>She wasn't sure how Brian had gotten her to agree to this. She wasn't sure why she and David were so vital to this whole process anyway.<p>

What clout did she hold with a fucking congressman?

But she just couldn't say no so now she was sitting in a expensive ass skirt suit and working on her politician smile outside the doors of Congressman Jim Gordon's office.

She wasn't sure what she had expected when she agreed to this ridiculous crusade. She had heard about Jim Gordon and his extremely conservative stance. She didn't know why Brian even thought there was a possibility of getting the Congressman on their side. Santana had remembered reading a story in the newspaper about him refusing to attend a political convention just because the organizers had invited gay political figures.

Not to mention the fact that she had never met anyone of political importance in her life. She never really cared much about that stuff anyway. They were just a mess of hypocritical liars that said whatever they wanted to keep their jobs and were smart enough to convince other assholes to vote for them. Politicians never did what they said and she knew the congressman wouldn't be any different.

But Brian had this little smile on his face and for some reason Santana found that reassuring. Maybe Congressman Gordon wasn't as bad as the newspapers said. Maybe he would do something about Love Can Win, even if he doesn't support gay rights he'd have to support something that saved lives right? If people were dying then they had to do something to stop it.

Right?

"The Congressman will see you now." The Secretary said from behind her keyboard. She didn't even look up as she gestured towards the door over her left shoulder.

Brian gave Santana another wide smile before he stood up and led her and David to the front of a heavy oak door. They looked back at the Secretary for instructions. When they didn't get any Brian shrugged and knocked three times.

"Come in." They heard a voice bellow through the door.

Santana exchanged a look with David and saw that he was probably having second thoughts about this as well.

Brian pushed the door open and held it while Santana and David filed into the room. He closed the door behind them. Santana felt like he was sealing off their only escape.

This was the most intimidating room Santana had ever seen. The walls were a dark shade of blue that matched the plush blue carpet. The windows had bright red curtains tied in the middle with an ornate gold string. All of the chairs were plush black leather and all of the furniture had dark wood finish. Everything in this room was expensive and extravagant.

_American_. Santana thought to herself.

"What can I help you with?" A figure said from behind the large wooden desk.

"Congressman Gordon." Brian said. He held his hand out to the Congressman.

Santana could hear the nerves in his voice and it only made her feel worse. If Brian was nervous that meant that she should feel fucking terrified.

The Congressman eyed his hand for a second before he rose to his feet and shook Brian's hand.

"My name is Brian Carr, I work over at the –"

"I know who you are." The Congressman said.

Brian hesitated for a second before he released the Congressman's hand and gestured to Santana. "And this is Santana Lopez." Santana stepped forward, the Congressman barely shook her hand or even looked at her before he turned to David. "And this is David Karosky."

The smile grew on the Congressman's face. He took David's hand and patted him hard on the back.

"You were the hardest tackling Buckeye I had ever seen." The Congressman said.

David kept the smile plastered on his face. He glanced back at Santana before he said "Thank you."

"I would know, graduated in 1985 myself." The Congressman held up a huge ring that was on his finger. "I've been to every home game since."

David nodded. "Awesome."

"And that tackle you had on that one yard line in the Sugar Bowl was amazing." The Congressman said. "It practically won us the game."

"Yeah." David said. He started to rub the back of his neck awkwardly.

"So do you think those NCAA sanctions are going to hurt our boys?" The Congressman said. "Or do you think-"

Brian cleared his throat. "With all do respect congressman, we have a couple of things we wanted to discuss with you."

The smile faded from the Congressman's face. He looked over at Brian and adjusted his suit jacket before he sat back down into his plush leather chair. He gestured to the chairs in front of his desk, Santana, Brian and David sat down.

"So what would you like to talk about?" The Congressman said. He took a pen in his hand and looked down at the papers strewn across his desk.

"Love Can Win." Brian said.

The Congressman's eyes widened for a second before he cleared his throat and looked back down at his papers.

"What about it?" The Congressman's voice had lost all the friendliness it had for David.

Brian pulled a picture from the briefcase he was carrying and put it on top of the piles of papers the Congressman had been staring at. Santana felt Melanie's eyes staring back at her like she was counting on Santana to get this done, like she was counting on Santana to take care of it.

The Congressman's politician smile faded, he looked up to meet Brian's eyes.

"This is Melanie, she was a patient at Love Can Win before-"

The Congressman pushed the picture back towards Brian and went back to looking at his paper work.

"I know who she is, I read the newspaper." The Congressman said.

"Did you attend the memorial?" David asked.

The Congressman didn't lift his eyes from his desk. "I had some other things to attend to that night."

"I just don't really understand why you're coming into my office and placing pictures of dead teenagers on my desk." The Congressman said.

Santana glanced at Brian for help. He didn't look away from The Congressman.

"We want to shut down Love Can Win." He said.

The Congressman's eyes shot up. "Love Can Win operates within the law. There's nothing any law enforcement official can do about it."

"Then change the laws." Santana spat out.

The Congressman shot his eyes over to her, he seemed to be more shocked that she was speaking then what she had said to him. He quickly pulled his eyes away and looked back down at his papers.

"Parents have a right to control their children's behavior." He said.

Santana felt her fists balling on top of the armrest.

"You can't control it." Santana said. "The only thing that place does is make people feel worse about who they are."

The Congressman seemed to be refusing to look up at her. "That's your opinion."

Santana tried to control the rage that was boiling in the pit of her stomach. "It's science." She said.

The Congressman locked onto her eyes. "If someone you loved was diagnosed with a terminal illness would you tell them to just give up and ignore any treatment or would you want them to do everything they could to get better?"

Santana felt her mouth flutter open and closed before she finally spoke. "Are you comparing being gay to having cancer?" She said through gritted teeth.

The Congressman smiled a sick smile that reminded her of Father Gerry. "I'm just saying that God creates miracles all of the time, science tells people that they're supposed to die and God has other plans for them."

Santana was rising to her feet as she spoke. "With all due respect Congressman," Santana looped her purse around her shoulder. "God does not belong in this room."

She marched out of his office with Brian and David following her closely behind. She knew leaving this room meant giving up on one of the very few options they had to shut down Love Can Win but she also knew a lost cause when she saw one.

* * *

><p>Brittany loved that Santana had gotten so involved in Your Team and the operation to get Love Can Win shut down. She knew that Santana was a vital part of the process. She was on the news for the scar on her leg and she was beginning to tell her story to local and national newspapers and Brittany knew that was a big deal.<p>

But she also knew that she had never seen Santana so tense before. Sure Santana had a rough time coming to terms with her sexuality but that was only her own weight on her shoulders now Brittany felt like Santana was being pulled down by a weight she couldn't possibly bear.

She wished she didn't feel like she was everyone's only hope. She wished Santana didn't think that she owed the world something because she didn't but still Santana was practically working her fingers to the bone.

Brittany could feel the stress in the muscles of Santana's back as she worked her fingers against them. At least Brittany's impromptu massage seemed to be doing some good by the sounds Santana was making. Brittany could feel the muscles loosening in Santana's back just a little bit and she was happy to give her just those couple of moments of peace before her phone rang or her thoughts caught back up.

Santana sat back up and eased her way off the floor and back up to the couch. The seriousness of Santana's face showed that Santana's thoughts had already caught back up.

Sometimes there was nothing Brittany could do.

"David wants me to sort of take over." Santana said.

Brittany studied her for a second.

"Your Team." Santana clarified. "He wants me to run Your Team while he's away."

Brittany could see the nervous excitement on Santana's face.

"Haven't you already been doing that while he was training?" Brittany said. She took Santana's hand into her lap and worked her fingers over the rings on Santana's fingers.

Santana watched Brittany's hand for a second before she spoke.

"Well yes, but this would be official. Like I would get paid and have a title and everything." Santana said.

Brittany studied her for a second. "That's a good thing right?"

"It's a great thing." Santana said. "But if it's an official title then if I fuck it up it's like – an official fuck up."

Brittany smiled. "You won't fuck this up."

"I've never been in charge of anything before." Santana said. "I don't want to let David down."

"He picked you because he trusted you." Brittany said. She bounced Santana's hand in her lap. "And you'll have Brian around to help you about the technical stuff. He runs a church it can't be that different."

Santana nodded. "And I have you."

Brittany mimicked Santana's wide smile.

"And you have me." Brittany said. "But I'm not very good with the whole math and finances thing. Maybe Lord Tubbington can help you with that."

Santana leaned forward so her head rested on Brittany's chest a little chuckle vibrated against Brittany's body.

"I'll make him Treasurer then." Santana said.

Brittany ran her fingers through Santana's hair. "I want a title." She said.

"Head of Massages." Santana mumbled against Brittany's chest.

"But I only want to give you massages." Brittany said.

She felt Santana smiling against her. "Then it'll be a secret title."

"Come on Madam President." She lifted Santana's head up. "Let's go to bed."

She pulled Santana to her feet and guided her towards the bedroom.

* * *

><p>Santana watched David fiddle with his hands at the center of the circle. Brian's old Youth Group had somehow turned into the weekly Your Team meeting. Most of the Youth Group was members anyway and somehow conversation had always stemmed to the latest fundraising events or more the Your Team could do to support local LGBT teams or this cool video the It Gets Better project had released.<p>

No one really seemed to mind the slight change in conversation topic. They still sang all of Brian's favorite songs and had Question and Answer sessions but lately the questions were geared more for Santana or David and sometimes even Kurt and Brittany.

Brian was starting to take a backseat at these Your Team/Youth Group sessions. He played guitar and he answered some questions about Bible quotes or religious virtues of being gay but he directed most of the questions to Santana or David and sat quietly in his seat and watched them answer.

This Youth Group meeting had carried on this way for the past few weeks but now David was breaking the news of his departure to the group and, even more nerve-wrecking, he was telling them about Santana's take-over. She wasn't sure who was more nervous, her or David. She had this fear that everyone would reject her position.

Why would she deserve it more than any one of them?

Santana looked over at Kurt who was staring at his shoes as David talked. Everyone gasped when he mentioned the Chicago Rush and a football contract. They congratulated him and clapped but then David told them when the season started and the room went quiet again.

"So I'm leaving next week." David said. "And unfortunately that means I won't have time for the day-to-day operations of Your Team."

Santana looked around at the rest of the circle. Everyone was staring at their feet, except Brittany who was squeezing Santana's hand in anticipation.

"But that doesn't mean Your Team is ending." David said. Sets of eyes began to shoot up from around the circle.

"I'm appointing someone I trust to the position of President of Your Team." David said. "It's going to be a full-time job especially given how much traction our charity has gotten lately."

Santana felt David's eyes on her. "She will organize events and track our finances and do all the grunt work so I can just show up and wave and take all the credit." The circle started to laugh with relief.

"She pretty much already does that stuff already." He said. Santana could feel David smiling down at her.

He held out a hand and Santana took it as she stood up. "I would like to introduce you guys to the new President of Your Team." David said. He bowed to her before he sat down in his seat next to Kurt.

She quirked an eyebrow at him before she realized everyone was staring at her, she was supposed to give a fucking speech.

"Um." Santana cleared her throat. "David is right. Your Team had gotten a lot of free advertising on the News lately and its been helping with donations and awareness of our campaign but there's still a lot left to do and I won't consider my job a success until we end Love Can Win and all other Ex-Gay therapy organizations across the country."

There were cheers and claps and she was pretty sure she heard Brittany hollering.

"Speaking of-" Santana cleared her throat. "Your Team is hosting a talent show in a couple of weeks. We still need some people to perform and others to help with selling tickets and managing the concession stand. Shoot me an email if you're interested or if you know of someone who's interested in doing any of those things."

The group nodded before Santana took her seat next to Brittany. She looked over at Brian who was smiling widely at her from over the top of his guitar.

"Alright." Brian said. "I think we're going to start with _Beautiful Thing_s in honor of Santana's little promotion."

* * *

><p>Santana shielded herself closer to Brittany as another bitter cold gust of wind shot up her back as they left the church.<p>

"I can't believe I'm dating a president." Brittany said.

"The president of a charity." Santana said as they weaved their way around the cars towards Brittany's which was parked in the far back of the lot. She kind of wished she had taken up Brittany's offer to bring the car around.

"Still." Brittany said. "You're a-"

Brittany stopped dead in her tracks and Santana nearly fell over. She looked up into Brittany's wide-eyes and traced them over to Brittany's car. The tires had been slashed. The car was sitting almost completely flat on the ground. All of the windows had been smashed, there were pieces of glass littering the ground but the worst part was the words that were written in red spray paint down the hood and roof of the car.

_Die Dyke_

Santana searched around the emptying parking lot. She just wanted to find someone, anyone she could blame for this.

She just really wanted to punch someone.

"Hey guys were you-" Kurt stopped dead in his tracks the second he met Santana's enraged glance.

"What happen-" His eyes traveled to the car and a gasp escaped his throat. "Brit, I'm so sorry."

Brittany didn't respond. She barely even blinked. Santana could see tears threatening in the back of her eyes and she knew Brittany was trying to hold it in. she knew Brittany didn't want anyone to know that these people had gotten to her.

"Brit." Santana called but she got no response. She looked back at Kurt for help but he didn't respond.

"I'm going to call my dad." Kurt said. He was already lifting a phone to his ear. "He'll send a tow truck." Kurt stumbled off whispering into the phone.

"We didn't do anything to them." Brittany said.

Santana pulled her eyes away from the car to look back at Brittany.

"We just exist." Brittany said. "And they hate us for it."

Santana felt every ounce of hope being sucked out of her. If Brittany was broken how was she expected to keep it together?

David placed a careful hand on Brittany's shoulder. She jumped slightly from the contact before she composed herself.

"Come on." David said. "I'll give you a ride home and then Kurt and I will take care of your car."

Brittany didn't protest as David guided Brittany to the backseat of his car. Santana got into the other side. Brittany buried her face into Santana's shoulder as soon as she settled into her seat.

David didn't look back the entire drive to Brittany's apartment. Santana couldn't blame him for not wanting to see it. The sounds of Brittany's sobbing were heartbreaking enough.

* * *

><p>Brittany had been a shell of herself for the past week. The sadder Brittany seemed the more hope Santana felt seep away from her.<p>

The car was still in the shop. Santana didn't try to ask directly about it. She only hinted about it when she asked Brittany who was giving her a ride to dance or if she needed to borrow hers. Brittany never mentioned it so Santana could only assume that it was taking a little bit longer to work on and that it would be out soon.

Santana hated how everything about Brittany seemed different. Brittany had been the one positive beacon in this mess of a life she had and she was losing that. The worst part was that she felt absolutely guilty about it. People could have easily seen her leaving the car with Brittany and have assumed it was hers. Brittany was becoming a victim of her choices and she feared that being president of Your Team would only make everything worse for the both of them.

She wasn't sure she could bring herself to care about any of this if she lost Brittany because of it, but no matter how hard she tried she could feel her Brittany slipping right between her fingers.

Even right now she would rather sit by herself at a coffee shop then go back and face the guilt that she had broken the most perfect and happiest person she had ever met.

"Hey."

Santana nearly spilled her cup of coffee down her shirt. She looked up to see Kurt holding a jumbo coffee.

"Hey." Santana said. She was starting to feel like she was caught even though there wasn't anything she was 'technically' supposed to be doing.

He sat down in the seat across from Santana.

"How is Brittany doing?" Kurt asked. "Did she come up with the money yet?"

"What money?" Santana looked up at Kurt and saw the way his face fell like he had just released a secret that he hadn't known was actually a secret.

Kurt looked around the coffee shop before he finally seemed to decide that he had to go for it.

"She told my dad that she couldn't afford to pay to fix the damage." Kurt said. "So he's been holding it at the shop for her until she came up with the money for the paint and the tires. I thought she'd have told you that. To be honest I kind of thought you would have helped her."

Santana felt her stomach plunge. She definitely would have helped her but she had no idea. She didn't know that Brittany was having trouble with money. Why hadn't Brittany told her?

"I don't really know what to do." Santana said.

Kurt's face softened. He reached across the table to grab Santana's hand.

"Is she upset?" Kurt asked.

"I guess?" Santana said. "She's like, not the same, it's like she's given up and I honestly don't blame her."

Kurt frowned. "You don't mean that."

"What's the point Kurt?" Santana said. "People are evil and their horrible and they aren't going to change. I spoke to a Congressman last week that compared being gay to having a disease and the sad part is that other people agree with that. Other people choose to elect a man like that. The fucking majority chose to elect a man like that. What is the point of all this if everyone is so fucking stupid?"

Kurt stared down at his coffee for a long time.

"Giving up is the most selfish thing we can do." Kurt said.

Santana felt shocked by how angry Kurt's words sounded.

"It just takes one Santana." Kurt said. "And if we each change the narrow minds of even just one person in our lifetime it will make a huge difference. Maybe they won't become human rights activists or march in protests with us but they might think twice before they use the word Faggy to describe a blanket or they'll stop picking on someone for dressing too girly. And when they have kids they'll teach them that gay people really aren't that scary."

**/* Author's Note: I had posted on my tumblr that this would be the last chapter before the epilogue but this is only Part I so there's a little bit more to tell but the story is definitely drawing to a close. Sorry for the delay in updating. I had some trouble with the hurricane, then I had some writer's block and then my foot *finally* got better and I was transitioning back to work and the city so It's been a busy couple of weeks for me. I hope you enjoyed the last chapter as always let me know what you think I love hearing from you guys. Thanks again to all my readers. You guys continue to inspire me everyday */**


	25. Hopeless Part II

The garage smelled thick of gasoline and oil and some other burning smell that Santana couldn't place and she wasn't really sure she wanted to. There were clangs of metal all around her as she stepped further into the shop and the door shut behind her. She had never been inside a garage before. She was always content to hand over the keys and sign the blank check her mother had always given her to get her car inspected and she only needed her brakes fixed that one time. Or so that mechanic said.

She stepped further into the shop, tip toeing over the gray cement at her feet. She felt so out of place and she was sure if she took longer strides she would attract even more attention to herself. Not like it mattered. Her heels were already completely out of place and the men in the corner in their grease stained blue overalls had taken notice.

She made eye contact with one of them before she heard her name called from the otherside of the store.

Santana found Burt Hummel standing in the far corner, he was wearing the same overalls as his employees except his were much much dirtier. Santana stepped closer, walking faster now that her cover was blown. She found Burt was wiping his fithy hands on an even fithier rag that may have been white at some point in time.

Burt's wide smile reminded Santana of Kurt and for some reason that made her feel less out of place. Not that that made sense. Kurt was more out of place in this garage then she was.

"Nice to finally meet you." Burt said. He held his hand out but pulled it back right away. He shook his head with a light laugh. "Sorry force of habit." He held his hands up to show his hands that were almost black from grease and dirt. "Maybe another time." He said with another smile.

"You wanted to see the car right?" Burt asked.

Santana nodded even though Burt was already leading her thru a door before she could answer his question.

"I thought you were there at the parking lot when Brit found it." Burt said. He gestured towards a car underneath a raggy old tarp. Santana peaked underneath it and recognized it as Brittany's still with its red graffiti and sitting a dozen inches lower to the ground thanks to the flat tires.

Santana lowered the tarp back to the group and realized that Burt was still waiting for her answer.

"I was there." She said. "I just-she can't afford to fix it right now."

Burt nodded sadly. "I tried to adjust the price as much as I can, the latest estimate I gave her was pretty much parts and labor and paint but it's still too much for her right now."

"What's the bill look like?" Santana asked.

Burt hesitated for a second before he pulled a yellow sheet out from his back pocket. Santana read the numbers. Only three zeros? She could handle that. Burt stopped her before she reached in her purse for her checkbook.

"I can't work on someone's car without their permission." He said.

Santana studied him for a second.

"Can't you just look the other way this time." Santana said.

Burt let out a loud sigh. "Honestly I can't." He turned away from Santana and took a few steps towards the car. He put a hand over the blue tarp. "I would have paid for it myself if I could have afforded it. But she wouldn't have let me even if I did offer and she especially won't let you."

"I can afford it why don't I just write you-"

Burt put his hand up to stop her. "I can't and I won't. I'm sorry. But you have to talk to her. You just need her permission."

Santana let out a sigh.

* * *

><p>Brittany knew that Santana could sense the change in the air around them. What had happened to her car just put a cloud around every thing the Brittany was used to seeing in the world. She couldn't see it the way she wanted to anymore. Part of her didn't even know if it was worth getting her car fixed if and when she had the money, what would stop someone from doing something like that again. Was she supposed to sleep next to her car with a shotgun to keep its paint from being graffittied again?<p>

There was a knock on her door. Brittany knew just but the soft and delicate patter of knuckles that she would find Santana on the other end. Brittany had long ago given Santana a key back when their relationship was in a much better place, back when the fog wasn't in Brittany's world but Santana had stopped using it a couple of weeks ago, that's also when she stopped staying over as much.

It wasn't like they had had a fight. There was nothing to apologize for there was nothing broken to be fixed there was no conversation to be had, she just felt so lost. Brittany didn't have the answers this time and she could feel Santana watching her and hoping for her to come up with them.

"Hey." Santana said quietly. Brittany could feel her studying her face in that searching way Brittany wondered if she's hoping to find the old her buried somewhere deep inside. Part of Brittany hopes she would, another part of her just doesn't care.

"May I come in?" Santana asked.

Brittany feels herself stepping aside before she answered with a nod. Santana stepped in slowly watching Brittany as if she expected her to take back her invitation. Santana took a couple of steps into the kitchen before she leaned her body against the kitchen counter and looked back at Brittany.

"How are you?" She said. Her words a heavy just like every time she had asked them. She's still waiting for Brittany to answer and she's waiting for the real answer. But Brittany can't find the energy to tell Santana that she feels awful. She can't put into words why she feels this way and its more frustrating knowing that its pushing Santana away. She knows that Santana blames herself in someway but Brittany can't bring herself to soothe Santana's worries away this time. She's too busy hurting to take on the hurt of someone else.

But isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be?

She's a terrible girlfield.

Just add that to her list.

"Fine." Brittany lied. Her answer had taken too long and had been too short of a breath for it to be sincere but Santana accepts it for what it is, not even bothering to ask Brittany if she's really sure anymore.

She already knows that the answer will be.

The same one it's always been.

Fine.

Brittany watched as Santana pulled a yellow sheet of paper from her purse. There's another paper stapled to the front and Brittany is reaching for it before she even realizes what it was.

Then she sees Burt Hummel's name on the top and the same number he had told Brittany on the phone a week or so ago. Then she sees the check for the same amount stabled to the paper.

Santana's check.

"No." Brittany said.

Brittany yanked the papers from Santana's hand before she could react. She 's already tearing the check into tiny pieces before Santana tried to even take it back.

"No." Brittany repeated. She dropped the slivers of check into her trash can along with the bill she still can't afford to pay.

"Why can't I help you?" Santana said. Brittany could see the tears threatening in Santana's eyes and she knows a good girlfriend would be upset by this but it only makes her angrier for feeling bad about it.

Why does everyone in the world want to make her feel bad about herself?

"I'm going to pay for it." Brittany said. "I just need a couple more paychecks."

"Where did all your money go?" Santana said. "You've never told me you had issues with money before."

"Well I'm sorry I forgot to pencil 'car vandalism' into my yearly budget." Brittany snarled. She isn't sure she's ever felt this angry before and she really isn't sure why. "I'll make sure to do it next time."

"I don't understand why you won't just take my money!" Santana said. Frustrated tears are already falling. "Or your parents, or Rachel's or Kurt's!"

"Because I shouldn't have to!" Brittany's fists ball up at her sides. She turned her back to Santana and she isn't sure if it's to control her anger or to avoid looking into those tramatizing eyes.

"Brittany-" Santana's voice drops a couple of decibels and Brittany has to turn around just to make sure she's really listening to her speak. "You don't have to feel embarrassed about needing some help with money."

"It's not about the money." The anger is rising again. No one understands her, No one ever understands her but she expected better from Santana. She's the one person who should.

"Then what's-"

"I shouldn't have to fix my car." Brittany said. "Someone who doesn't even know me destroyed it and I shouldn't have to pay to fix it. It shouldn't have happened." Brittany let out a long breath. "I know the world isn't all rainbows and unicorns. As much as I wish it was, I know enough to be realistic. I know enough to know that some people will be confused by me and others will reject me. I understand that. But I don't understand why people have to go out of their way to make sure we feel terrible about ourselves. I don't understand why they have to found groups to surpress our rights or why they have to bully us until we just give up or destroy the things wie love or need…"

A tear falls down her face before she can control it.

"Hun." Santana takes a step forwards reaching for her.

Brittany is pulling back before she can control her reaction. She wished she could take it back instant she sees the look on Santana's face. Santana's turning on her heels and reaching for the front door before Brittany can fix it.

"Santana." Brittany said but its barely audible she isn't even sure Santana could hear it.

"I'm going to be working a lot on the fundraiser." Santana said to the door. Her hand rests on the knob, ready to make its escape. "You probably won't hear from me the next couple of days."

And with that she was gone.

* * *

><p>Santana isn't really sure why she keeps on doing it. Part of her felt like the distraction of helping to organize a fundraiser would keep her thoughts away from her crumbling relationship but it's not like it even matters. She's just one person in one bumblefuck of a town and it's already so obvious how little effect she can have on a town or a person. She can't really believe that anyone is going to show up to a stupid charity event in the middle of a no name town in the middle of Ohio. Especially when the town is full of people that would vandalize the car of the nicest girl in the entire fucking world.<p>

But Santana keeps playing through the motions, answering questions about catering for after-show coffee and desserts for the people that aren't going to show up. The easiest part is booking the talent. Scandals provides an array of dancers and singers, she even manages to rope Kurt and Sugar to do some performancings, fuck even Blaine and his merry band of gay high school show choir singers sign up for a couple of songs.

She's stares at the last couple of empty slots on the scheduling knowing there's one person she hasn't called yet, there's one person she should call but she just can't bring herself to dial the number.

As if on cue there's a frantic knock on her front door and its as if the world is cosmetically against her because she's pretty sure she knows who that is. The frantic patterns happen in two more sets of three before Santana even managed to reach the door. She pulls it open and barely gives Rachel Berry a greeting before she's pushing herself into the house.

"How could you have a talent show without me?!" Rachel slowly paces back and forth. "I am one of the most talented human beings in this entire state. And you didn't even bother to ask me."

Santana can't help the sigh that escapes her lips but it doesn't matter, Rachel barely even notices Santana's existence as she paces back and force.

She slammed the door closed with force and finally Rachel looks up from her ranting.

"Would you like to be in this weekend's talent show Rachel?" Santana said before she crossed her arms across her chest.

Rachel started pacing again. She looked back up at Santana, she opened her mouth to speak before she slammed it shut and looked back down at the floor.

"No." Rachel said. "You can't just schedule such talent so last minute." Santana isn't sure if Rachel's mumbling is meant to be heard by others. "I need time to perform, I need to stretch my vocal cords."

"Stretch your vocal cords?" Santana said.

"I need to pick a set list and then I need to practice with my vocal coach three times a day for months…" Rachel said as she paced back and forth.

Santana grabbed her shoulders to steady her. "Do you want to be in this fucking show or not?"

Rachel looked up at her and answered without hesitation this time. "Yes."

"Good." Santana said. Santana looked down at her schedule. None of the other performers had the balls to be the first or the last group to go on stage. This was so fucking perfect. "I saved the first and last slot for you."

Santana knew she hit a homerun just by the way Rachel's eyes lit up. "You did?"

"I fucking did." Santana said. She pulled out the performace slip from the pile and handed it to Rachel.

"You go through the back doors around 6:00 first performance is at 7:30." Santana said, already explaining what was written clearly on the paper but with Rachel Berry you could never be too careful.

"When's the dress rehersal?" Rachel asked.

"No dress rehersal." Santana said.

"What?"

Santana jumped at the pitch and volume of rachel's screech.

"They will only give us the venue for one night and the church is booked. I have no where to host a dress rehersel. And its just a talent show, we don't need to take this that seriously." Santana said with a wave of her hand.

"Nonsense." Rachel stuffed the paper into her pocket.

"Do you have a contact sheet?" Rachel said. Santana looked up at her. "I'll let everyone know that we'll have a dress rehersal Thursday night at my house."

Santana studied her for a second before she reluctantly gave her a sheet from the inside of her folder. She pulled the paper away from Rachel's grasp.

"Don't fucking annoy them." Santana said.

Rachel nodded. "I won't" She reached for the paper again but Santana pulled it away from her.

"I'm fucking serious." Santana said. "If they drop out, I'm fucked."

"Just give me the paper Santana." Rachel was quicker this time and she pulled the paper from Santana's grasp.

"Brittany's right, you are so stubborn." Rachel said as she glanced over the sheet. Her eyes widened the second the words left her mouth. She looked up to meet Santana's glaze.

Santana suddenly felt several inches shorter. "Has she been talking about me?"

She hated the way Rachel's features softened and the way her eyes took on this caring look. Santana stepped away before Rachel could reach out for her hand.

"Yes." Rachel said. She flinched for a second and Santana realized that maybe even saying that much was a betrayal of Brittany's trust but Santana wanted to try her luck for more.

"What has she been saying?" Santana said. Things had been left in such a weird state the other day in Brittany's apartment, Santana wasn't even sure if they were technically together anymore. Though no one said anything about a break up but that didn't stop her from picturing Brittany dancing with some random girl at Scandals this weekend.

Rachel studied her for a second , her mouth opened a couple of times but Rachel closed them before a sentence could escape her lips. She did this a few times before she finally decided on something to say.

"That you're being stubborn." Rachel said.

Santana let out a huff. She was the stubborn one?

"I mean did you even ask her where her money went?" Rachel said.

"What does that even mean?" Santana said.

"You'll have to talk to her Santana." Rachel said. "I'm not going to mediate your relationship."

Rachel pulled out a fucking gold star sticker packet from her wallet and stuck it on the paper next to her signature before she shoved it back into Santana's hands.

"Brittany makes sure the people she cares about have everything she thinks they deserve." Rachel said as she made her way towards the door. "Even if she is the one that has to give stuff up to give it to them."

Rachel was gone before Santana could ask her what that meant.

* * *

><p>Brittany ran the diamond bracelet through her hands one more time. She watched the sun catch it at just the right angle and saw the sparkle of colors that shined through it and bounced off the walls around her. She had never seen a necklace this beautiful before, it seemed to show her a different color at every angle she held it and it looked more beautiful every time she held it in her hands.<p>

It kind of reminded her of Santana in those ways.

Santana was stunningly beautiful but you looked at her from a different way and she was kind and sweet and if you looked again she was caring and compassionate and every time Brittany looked it felt like she was learning something new about her girlfriend. That was one of her favorite parts about Santana, one of her many favorite parts.

But now she felt like this stupid bracelet was doing more harm than good. She was so reluctant to sell it and get the money to fix her car and she was even more reluctant to take anyone else's money to do it.

She just wanted to make Santana proud.

But it felt like she was doing the very opposite.

She didn't know what she was supposed to do, returning the bracelet felt like giving up but she felt like she was already losing Santana.

She was just so frustrated with everything. Why did her car have to get vandalized?

Why did any car have to get vandalized?

What did it prove exactly?

Did it prove that they hated her?

Didn't it just prove that they were mean-spirited and vindictive?

She wasn't sure she could ever make sense of the things crazy people do to other people.

* * *

><p>"So you're going to come out and you're going to mention that suicide is the-" Brian paused his pacing and turned to face Santana like she was in the lightening round in some sort of awful game show.<p>

"Third leading cause of death among young people." Santana said.

Brian nodded solemnly before he continued his pacing. "And you're going to mention that 1 in how many high schoolers have seriously considered suicide?"

"1 in 6 teenagers have seriously considered suicide. 1 in 12 have attempted it." Santana rattled off. She had been giving these numbers all week as Brian continuously drilled them into her head with grumblings of the importance of data and the effect the numbers would have on the attendees.

Santana let out a loud sigh that stopped Brian's pacing in his tracks. Santana winced at herself. She knew a scolding when she saw one coming.

"Am I boring you, Ms. Lopez?" Brian said. He placed his hands on the table and leaned across to watch her.

"No it's just-" She looked away from Brian as she spoke suddenly realizing that what she was about to say might disappoint him.

She at least had to be honest with him about it.

"What's the point of doing all of this if no one shows up?" Santana said.

Brian's expression changed into something she couldn't distinguish, he straightened his back and studied her for a long while before he spoke again.

"What makes you think no one is going to come?" Brian said. "We have the entire Youth Group practically selling out of tickets everyday."

"The tickets are free." Santana chimed in.

"Yes." Brian said matter-of-factly. "But people are taking them aren't they?" He said. "And the raffles aren't free, neither is the silent auction and we have countless of businesses that donated gift cards and free merchandise to auction off after the show."

"What does that matter if no one comes." Santana said. She dropped the post cards that contained the beginnings of her speech back onto the table.

What was the point of battling through writer's block if ten people were going to listen to her entire speech?

"You really are playing the role of negative Nancy today ,aren't you?" Brian said.

Santana frowned at him.

"It's not about the money we make or tickets we sell, it's about people hearing about us." Brian said. "We have our Youth Group talking about Your Team and people asking what it is we do. We have our name and our cause out there and that's more important than any check we're going to bring to our bank afterwards."

"Of course the individuals that attend matter." Brian said. "But the news matters too. It's like we have this really heavy boulder in the middle of our path. And it's blocking the way so none can get by. Eveyone just goes around it then one day, one person- " Brian pointed his finger at Santana. "One person decided to try and move it and no matter how much you try to push and shove it, it just won't budge but you keep trying anyway because you know that it just takes one more person." Brian turned his finger upwards to symbol a one. "That one person will come along and see you trying to move it and they'll want to help. So they do. And maybe you'll make a dent, maybe you'll move it just a little bit closer to being out of the way and then another person will come along and then another and another and the best part about that is soon the boulder will just glide along and you won't even realize how heavy it was in the first place."

"That's what we're trying to do here, Santana." Brian studied her for a second before he began to talk. "We're trying to move a really heavy boulder and it's much bigger than us. But we just have to get the word out there. We just have to get our name out there and we'll get more people to realize that boulder is still there and they need to do something about it."

**/* Author's Note: Sorry for the Long wait. Life has gotten insanely hectic and I've had this chapter for a while I just hadn't gotten around to editing it and finally posting. There is still a chapter or two for the epilogue (These parts are supposed to be one chapter but they're a lot longer than I thought so I'm just posting them separately so you don't have to wait forever.) Thanks to all that read, review, follow and enjoy. */**


	26. Hopeless Part III

It's just a stupid necklace.

A super expensive, stupid necklace.

But here Brittany is standing outside of the Jane's Jewelers with her necklace. No, Santana's necklace and she can't bring herself to just walk in there and tell the lady she needs to return it.

She feels like the lady is already judging her. Like she already knows that Brittany is too poor to give her girlfriend anything she deserves, that she'll never be good enough. She feels like she's sitting back in those desks in high school and she just wishes it would stop.

But this is real life. And she needs her car and she needs the money to fix her car and maybe one day people will be nicer and she won't have to worry about fixing things mean people break because they won't be around to break them anymore.

She takes a deep breath and pushes through the door. She's glad the store is empty besides the older woman behind the counter. She's got a tiny pair of glasses stuck to the end of her noise and she's staring down at a set of rings that are still inside their black velvet cases. Her short dirty blonde hair falls just below the raised shoulder of her pink suit jacket.

When she peeks over her glasses to see Brittany she gives her the same straight smile that Brittany imagines she uses for all the clients. She remembers it from the last time she was in here when she bought the necklace. The lady was smart and spewed out all the facts about diamonds and reflection and carets and size. It was almost too much detail but she refused to give Brittany an opinion like when she refused to answer whether or not a necklace would look good on someone with darker skin or if this other necklace looked a little bit too much like something her grandmother would wear. Brittany assumed she just wasn't that much into giving advice.

The way the woman studied Brittany the entire walk over made her stomach churn. She feels like she's walking down a long alley and its takes so much longer to get there than she thought it would. She reached the end of the counter and paused to swallow the spit that's lodged itself in the back of her throat.

"Can I help you?" The women asked. Brittany watched as her eyes fell to the necklace in Brittany's hand.

"I need to return this." Brittany said.

The woman gestured for Brittany to bring the necklace up to where she can see it. And Brittany does.

The woman inspects the necklace with a curt nod and grabbed the recipe from Brittany's hand.

She eyed Brittany over the top of the tiny paper. "May I ask why?"

Brittany swallowed again. This was the one question she had been dreading. What does she say? She's too embarrassed to tell the truth.

"I-" Brittany stumbled. She can't think of what to say besides the truth and the thought of telling this stranger that kills her.

The woman's head tilted to the side and if she still weren't so tight-lipped Brittany would almost mistake the gesture for compassion.

"Not what you were looking for?" The woman said over her shoulder as he made her way towards the cash register on the other side of the counter. Brittany followed her.

Brittany nodded even though the woman was looking down at the register. She punched in a couple of numbers before she held out her hand and demanded Brittany's credit card. Brittany fumbled in her purse before she actually produced it.

It took just a quick swipe of a card and a signature on a recipe and the woman sends Brittany on her way with a nod.

Brittany left feeling like it was much easier than she expected it to be.

She is standing in front of Burt Hummel and hour later, approving the bodywork that needs to be done and signing off on the tires that need to be ordered.

* * *

><p>Santana's is pretty sure that Rachel fucking Berry is the bane of her existence.<p>

Having her in this talent show is both the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to her. She'll give the dwarf credit, she knows much more about putting on a show then Santana does. Santana never thought she'd need a light crew or a sound crew or any sort of crew but Rachel fucking Berry is all over that shit. She gets some twerps from McKinley High School to volunteer and she managed to get them to work for fucking free and Santana won't lie, she's totally impressed by that.

Then there's the other end of the spectrum. The spectrum where Rachel fucking Berry calls Santana every night and on the nights that Santana turned her phone off to avoid talking to Rachel fucking Berry for three hours about her diaphragm, she instead finds the girl standing on her doorstep and suddenly she's in Santana's room babbling about Finn or about this show and complaining about how little the rest of the performers are practicing. Santana isn't really sure when her and Rachel became best friends (again!) but she would very much like it to stop please.

It's not even the high-pitched voice or the incessant talking that gets to Santana. It's when Rachel accidently mentions Brittany and then shies away from the conversation but then doesn't really because Santana knows Rachel secretly except not-so-secretly wants to talk about it and it's the last thing Santana wants to talk about right now, especially with Rachel fucking Berry.

Then again part of her wants to talk about it. She starting to feel like she lost her girlfriend except she hasn't yet. She just feels like she's just waiting for the axe to drop and Brittany's just being nice because Brittany's always nice and she doesn't want to break up with her right before this big event. She isn't sure where she went so wrong and she isn't sure she knows what to do anymore and then she finds herself wondering if it might be a goood idea to talk to Rachel.

And then it just happened.

It was the night when her dad was working at the hospital and her mother was at some book club thing (because she does that now) and Rachel fucking Berry was sitting on her bed practicing her notes even though they just had that stupid fucking dress rehearsal that she had insisted one and Santana found herself staring down at her phone reading Brittany's Facebook for the twenty-thousandth time even though Brittany hasn't posted in a week and she's just thinking about it and the question bursts out of her before she can stop it.

"Is Brittany going to break up with me?" Santana said. She cringed instantly and tried to keep her eyes focused on her phone screen where Brittany's smiling face is staring back at her.

Part of her hopes that Rachel will pretend she never said anything but she knows that's not the case especially when Rachel already stopped her practicing and she's staring at Santana with the widest and saddest eyes.

"Why would you think that?" Rachel makes a move to stand but then decides to plant her feet and just turn her body to face her.

Santana is thankful for her self-control.

"We haven't spoken." Santana started. She isn't really sure what had possessed her to speak to Rachel Berry of all people but here she is and she's already knee deep, she can't turn back now.

"Have you called her?" Rachel asked.

She can see the way Rachel frowns when Santana shakes her head.

"Well how can you guys talk about it if you don't call her." Rachel puts her hands on her hips as she talks and Santana kind of wants to smack her even though Santana knows she's right.

Rachel pointed down at the phone Santana was holding in her hand like it's that easy. Like she can just dial Brittany's number, let it ring a couple of times and hear that sweet, sweet voice again and everything would be just fine.

Part of her wishes it were that easy.

"I can't." Santana feels the defeated words slip out of her mouth and she regrets them instantly. She's baring her soul to Rachel fucking Berry and she herself so much right now.

"Why?" Rachel stood this time and took a few steps closer before she grabbed ahold of herself. Santana refused to look up into those concerning eyes again.

"Because she'll break up with me." Santana said.

"So you're just going to sit in this non-talking, I-Don't-Know-If-We're-Still-Dating stage for the rest of your life?" Rachel said.

Santana can see the way Rachel holds her hands at her hips again.

"Yes." Santana answered.

Santana heard a puff of air escape from Rachel's lips. "That's ridiculous."

Santana looked up in time to see Rachel bringing her own phone to her ear. Santana reached up to snatch it away but the little gremlin is way too fast. And fuck, she can already hear it ringing.

Santana's ears already perk up at the voice through the speakers, She sounds groggy and Santana almost forgets how late its been and how early Brittany's goes to bed on dance rehearsal days.

"Please hang up." Santana whispered but Rachel pretended to ignore her. She held the phone out to Santana and Santana can hear Brittany calling to Rachel on the other end.

_I can't._ Santana mouths even as she took the phone Rachel had offered her.

"You can." Rachel said.

And just like that, it's that easy. Santana brought the phone to her ear and is thankful when Rachel turned back to collect her things, at least she can't watch the way Santana is shaking with panic.

"Hello." Santana practically croaked into the phone.

"Santana?" Brittany called. Santana can almost close her eyes and picture the way Brittany rubs her eyes when she's just woken in the morning.

"Yeah." Santana managed to get out.

"How are you?" Brittany asked. Santana doesn't want to get ahead of herself but she can swear she hears a smile in Brittany's voice. It's enough to give her a little edge of confidence.

"I've been really busy with this talent show." Santana said the only thing she knows is true. She can't find it in her to lie to Brittany. Not now.

"That's tomorrow right?" Brittany says nonchalantly but it makes Santana think that its probably penned on the calendar Brittany keeps pinned to her fridge so she doesn't forget what day it is.

"Yeah its tomorrow." Santana said. "Were you-" Part of Santana doesn't want to assume that Brittany would have planned to come see her. Not now. "Were you going to come see Rachel perform?"

"Of course." Brittany responded.

Santana's almost positive she heard a smile poking through the phone this time.

"Good." Santana said but she meant to say so much more, she wanted to say so much more. "I can't wait to see you there." She eternally kicks herself for being so forward but then she hears Brittany's response.

"I can't wait to see you either." Brittany said and Santana knew she meant it.

"I'll let you go back to bed. I'm sorry I woke you." Santana ignored the way Rachel was practically jumping up in down in front of her bedroom door.

"It was nice being woken up by you." Brittany said. "Good night, Santana."

"Good night, Brittany." Santana said.

* * *

><p>Her hands are shaking. She's pretty sure everyone can see the way her hands won't stop shaking. She can't fuck this up. She's been planning this event for so long and she can't fuck it up but now she's standing outside the entrance of McKinley High School and the volunteers are set up inside to take names and the vendors have already set up their tables for the auction and all she had left to do it to wait for the guests to show.<p>

Just wait and greet. That's all she has to do.

Well that and panic.

And she's really fucking good at panicking.

That doubt is creeping up into the pit of her stomach and she's pretty sure no one is going to fucking come to this stupid thing and all the businesses that donated shit are just going to take it back and be pissed off at her and Your Team is going to become a joke and David is going to be so mad and…

_Brittany's here._

_Oh God, Brittany's here._

The first car pulled into the parking lot and it's carrying Brittany of all people. Well it's also carrying Rachel and Kurt but she barely takes notice because… Brittany.

Brittany strides over to Santana with her long fluid movements. It's almost hypnotizing the way she moves sometimes and part of her thinks Brittany is doing that completely on purpose. But when Santana glances up to catch those beautiful blue eyes she can see the way Brittany's still staring at the ground and the feeling settles back into Santana's gut when she realizes that they still need to talk and that weirdness between them still isn't completely settled.

But Brittany still hugs her in that way Brittany always does and suddenly everything feels easier and better when Santana settles into Brittany's arms. She forgot how at home she felt with her. She forgot how easily Brittany made everything better. She knows they still need to talk, she knows they still have things to settle everything that happened between them but she also knows that Brittany's trusting her right now and holding her and she knows that Brittany's way of calming her down and letting her know that everything's okay for now.

And Santana will be forever thankful for that.

Santana glanced up from Brittany's shoulder and saw Rachel and Kurt standing in front of the familiar car. It looks shiny and new under what had to be gallons of body paint to cover the offensive red spray paint.

"Your car." Santana blurted out. She pushed back from Brittany to get a better look at her face.

"How did you-"

"I got it fixed." Brittany interrupted in a final tone.

Santana tried to catch Brittany's eyes but she wouldn't look at her as she spoke. Santana let the subject drop. She wouldn't dare play too close to the edge when she was so close to maybe getting Brittany back.

"Did you want to come inside?" Santana asked. She gestured towards the front doors that led to the Auditorium hallway and the volunteers with signup sheets and name tags because according to Rachel fucking Berry those things were super important.

Brittany nodded. She held Santana's hand loosely as she let herself be led to the sign up table.

Santana still felt like Brittany was miles away but at least she could see her. At least she was still here. Maybe then she felt like there was a chance.

After she got Brittany signed up and fitted with a name tag she lead her through the hallway where the vendors were still setting up their donations for auction. She was guiding Brittany down the hallway telling her a nightmare story about one vendor that made ridiculous requests from soda type to exact thermostat temperatures she felt her arm tug backwards when Brittany's feet suddenly decided to stop moving.

Brittany was staring down at one of the vendor's tables. Santana took a few steps backwards and a beautiful diamond necklace started to sparkle even under the harsh light of the hallway. Santana couldn't blame Brittany for staring. The necklace was absolutely gorgeous.

It was a late donation, Santana didn't even have a chance to see a picture of it but when a vendor calls you up and offers a diamond necklace and then mentions the retail value, you find a way to pencil them into the program.

"Pretty." Santana said.

Brittany practically jumped out of her stupor.

"What?" She said.

She looked down at her the necklace and then back at Santana. "Yeah, really pretty." She trailed off before she looked back down at the table. She was so obviously avoiding eye contract.

Santana let out a laugh. "I can't believe she just donated it." She whispered as she gently tugged Brittany away. "You wouldn't believe what that thing was worth."

She didn't understand why Brittany frowned the way she did at that statement.

It was a good thing that Santana got people to donate expensive things to her charity event.

Right?

She looked over her shoulder a few times when they hit the near empty hallway. She still can't place Brittany's mood and suddenly she feels like she's about to get some bad news just by the way Brittany looks like she's trying to stop herself from crying.

"I know I suck…" Brittany started. Santana shook her head in reaction because Brittany far from sucks.

"And I know we're having these mess of problems-" Brittany begins.

"Santana!"

Santana cringes on instinct not only because of the cause of the voice but because of the absolute worst possible timely that Rachel fucking Berry always seems to have. Santana refuses to take her eyes off of Brittany, she stares back at her begging her to continue, begging for this all to be alright again and begging Rachel to take a hint for once and go away.

"SANTANA!" Rachel bellows.

No such luck. Santana has no choice but to answer.

"What-Do-You-Want?" Santana called through gritted teeth. The deer-in-headlights look on Rachel's face proves that she finally realizes that she just did something stupid.

"Some delivery guys are here with some food." Rachel's voice falls a few dozens decibels and Santana now struggles to ever hear her. "Where should they put it?"

"The teacher's lounge." She answers quickly before she turned back to Brittany and waits for her to continue.

Brittany opened her mouth to speak but it's Rachel's voice she hears again.

"Are you sure?" It's louder again and even more annoying this time. "Because I told them the Glee Club room since it's so much bigger."

Santana is pretty sure she's going to explode and strangle Rachel with her bare hands. "You just want it in there so you can brag about your stupid trophies. Put them in the teacher's lounge, everything else they need is already there."

She can see Rachel nodding out of the corner of her eyes and smiles when she sees Rachel shrink back down the hallway. Santana finally turns back to Brittany.

It's Santana who opens her mouth to speak but it's Brian she hears now.

"Santana do you know where those tax forms went- oh?" Brian freezes a couple of steps away and Santana throws her hand up in defeat.

Brittany laughs her whimsical little laugh and Santana is slowly starting to feel like things might actually be okay.

"Later." Brittany mouths before she gestures back towards the chaos in the hallway.

Santana gives her an apologetic look before she slips away, leading Brian directly to the pile of forms he left sitting on the sign up table a half hour ago.

* * *

><p>So Brittany is pretty sure someone up there hates her, or is torturing her for some odd reason because she's staring at that same damn necklace. Santana's necklace. It's just sitting there on a pretty black velvet stand in front of a blank piece of paper with blank lines and empty spots for dollar signs and Brittany finds herself wishing she had something she could bid but she barely has a dollar to her name anymore after getting her car fixed and she remembers all the wonderful things Santana deserves that she can't afford to buy.<p>

And then she noticed the lady standing behind the table and it's the same woman who helped her return the necklace in the first place. That just makes everything worse. Brittany can't tell if she's judging because she's got that stupid little straight smile on her face and Brittany doesn't know what it's supposed to mean.

They lock eyes for a second before Brittany wrenches herself from the guilt soaked stare and walks back down the hallway keeping her gaze locked straight ahead, not daring to look at all the other things she knows she never be able to afford for Santana.

* * *

><p>So the minutes before the show opened were absolute chaos, but Santana feels like a week stuck with Rachel Berry has prepared her for a week of pure fucking disasters. There were fights over sparkles and mascara (and that was just the drag queens), broken guitar strings and a nervous Puck that was downing a full flask way too quickly. Once that all ended and Rachel Berry opened the talent show with a huge bellowing number and a standing ovation, Santana was starting to feel comfortable with how things were going.<p>

When she finally took a moment to stare into the crowd she realized that every single seat was full. There were people in business suits, reporters with pens and pads, photographers with huge fancy cameras and teenagers in band t-shirts, jocks in varsity letters, teachers pretending to be one of the cool kids and everyone else in between and the room was so packed that the walls of the auditorium were lined with people and others were sitting in the middle of the aisles and Santana was pretty sure she was breaking about fifty different fire codes right now.

But they were clapping and they were cheering and by the looks of it they were buying and they were bidding and Santana was having a good day. She was having a really good fucking day. And then just before intermission when the drag queens were doing a rather raunchy performance of Katy Perry's California Girls, Brian handed Santana an envelope with the listing of the auction winners and a little post-it with the current profits and Santana was pretty sure she was going to vomit.

She didn't think she would have come close to a number with so many zeros. She doesn't really know how it could be possible.

"Apparently people overbid." Brian said when Santana finally managed to question it. "Charity." He added with a smirk and a shrug.

"Oh." She blurted out as she looked back down at the gigantic number. She looked back out at the crowd and finally it h it her just how big this thing turned out to be. Before she could realize what was happening the last act before intermission was rushing off stage and Brian was pushing her gently from behind and into the swarming crowd.

"Speech." Brian listed into her ear as he pushed her through the Curtain. "Then the auction winners." He said after he shoved a microphone and a sheet of paper in her hands.

Then she was out there. Standing in front of a huge crowd and everyone was staring at her waiting for her to say something funny and witty and Santana felt like she completely forgot the speech her and Brian had been practicing for weeks.

Well…

Fuck…

Then like a magnet she found a familiar set of blue eyes in the audience sitting in the middle row, fifth seat from the aisle and Brittany winked and smiled at her and for the first time in a long time Santana started to feel like everything was actually going to be okay. She took a deep breath, popped out her chest and started talking to Brittany.

"I want to thank you for coming out here tonight. I know there are just so many sights and sounds and wonderful smells to take in here in Lima, Ohio but we are really honored that you decided to spend your night here with me at McKinley High." The audience vibrated with the sound of chuckles and clapping.

She could do this.

She managed to throw in a couple more Lima, Ohio zingers and they seemed to get more and more laughter before she eased into the heavier stuff. Melanie and the statistics and the sad fact that now Melanie was one of those statistics and there was nothing they could do but prevent others from joining her. Santana felt like she was really getting through. She felt the eyes watching her and nodding along with her calls to action and petition and instead of making her nervous, it only made her more confident. They were really listening to her. Maybe she had a chance to really make a difference here. Maybe she could really move that boulder.

When she finally stopped talking she realized she was completely out of breath. She took a few heavy breaths before the audience started to erupt into applause.

The applause lasted for a couple of minutes but it felt like hours, people rose to their feet and they clapped louder and heavier and she even heard a wolf whistle (she was pretty sure that was Puck.) She found Brittany in the crowd and saw the proudest little smile on her face.

That's when she knew.

Things were changing. She could feel it inside her and she feel it changing inside the crowd.

Part of her wishes she could have run off stage after the applause. It felt awkward to make everyone sit back down as she drummed out the boring list of cooking sets and autographed baseball cards and waited for the winner to trot up so the vendor could proudly hand over their donated merchandise.

But she guessed it was all supposed to be part of the fun.

She was barely paying any attention to her list until she saw that beautiful diamond necklace being held in front of her on the stage.

Then she gazed down at her sheet and her eyes went wide when she saw the winning bid.

"We would like to thank Jane's Jewelers for donating this beautiful diamond necklace." Santana was still processing all those zeros, the words she spoke practically tripped out of her mouth. The winning bid had to be easily double the retail value and maybe the most money contributed to Your Team the entire day. She coughed to clear her throat. She probably shouldn't be counting the money before they even had it yet. "The winner of this necklace is… Jane?" Santana read over the list again and again and then looked back up at the older woman that was holding the box up for the audience.

Santana put her hand over the microphone to shield her voice from the crowd. "You bid on your own necklace?" She whispered.

She was confused by the straight indefinable smile that crossed Jane's lips. She held her hand out for the microphone and Santana handed it to her without question.

"I bought my own necklace." Jane said in affirmation. There were a few grumbles from the crowd that were quickly silenced when Jane spoke again. "But I didn't buy it for myself."

"A few weeks ago, a young blonde girl came into my shop. She bought a necklace from me. She bought this necklace." Jane held the necklace up for the crowd to see. Everyone seemed to lean in just a bit closer. "She wouldn't stop talking about her girlfriend and how hard she'd been working and how much she thought she deserved it." Santana felt Jane gesture towards her and she felt her stomach twist just a little bit. "To be honest I was caught a little off guard by it. I don't get many gay couples in my store." She froze for a second before she corrected herself. "Well maybe not many as open and upfront as she was. But then she was back a couple of days ago. I could see the tears in her eyes and I just knew that even though this young woman didn't have the money she deserved to have this necklace." The woman searched the crowd until her eyes found a wide-eyed Brittany in the middle row. "Brittany this is my gift to you."

She held the box up until Brittany took the cue from the staring audience members and started to climb over the other people in her row as she made her way up to the stage. She hopped onto the top stage with a finesse only Brittany could possess and strode across the stage before she hesitantly wrapped her fingers around the box. She muttered a tearful thank you and wrapped her hands around the neck of the woman and she brought her into one of Brittany's signature power hugs.

She held onto the woman for a good long minute before she started to pull back. Santana could make out words on Brittany's lips as she whispered something into the woman's ear.

She could hear the woman's laugh vibrating through the microphone still pressed against the small of Brittany's back.

"I kind of expected you to give it away." The woman said and for the first time Santana saw a real smile on her lips.

Santana saw Brittany start turn and start to stride over to her. She handed the box to Santana with a huge tearful smile on her face.

"I know it's just a necklace and I know you'd be mad at me for spending so much money and effort on it. But I want you to have nice things." Brittany said as she held up the box.

Santana smiled through the tears she didn't realize she was crying. The sudden lack of money, the fight over fixing car, it all made sense now. Brittany was taking care of her.

"You are my nice thing." Santana said.

Brittany wrapped her hands around Santana and brought her in close. She snuggled into the nape of Brittany's neck and whispered _I Loves Yous _over and over again. Because even without shiny diamonds and even in rough patches she knew she did and she knew she always would. And the way Brittany's embrace contracted at the end of every whisper made Santana feel the truth in her bones.

Brittany would always love her back.

This was meant to be. They were brought together for a reason and in God's twisted little way, they were meant to be and they found each other.

**/* Author's Note: Thank you so much for sticking this out with me. I owe it to you guys to finish this especially when I'm so close. Minus this chapter there's the epilogue which I hope to post up much sooner than the gap between last chapter and this chapter. This story has been quiet an adventure for me and I learned a lot about myself when writing this and my life got a lot more hectic (as you can tell by the lack of updates) but once I finish this one I'm going to turn my attention to my other stories and finishing those up. Probably Down With The Sickness will be next. **

**I apologize again for the delay but thank you to those readers that reached out to me about an update. I didn't know so many people were missing out on this story but I'm updating for you guys. And once again thank you to all of you that read, review and follow. You're the ones that keep me inspired to continue.**

***/**


	27. Epilogue

Santana could hear the roar of the crown even through the thick cement walls of the stadium. She knew something good was happening on the football field above her and that had to be a good sign.

Maybe Karofsky landed one of those killer tackles he had become famous for or the offense was running up the score. But anything to keep the stadium happy, a happy stadium would make this whole process easier.

Right?

She looked over herself in the mirror again and adjusted the diamond necklace. It looked a little out of place over her #97 Cleveland Browns jersey but she had to wear it, especially tonight.

Not to mention it was the most expensive piece of jewelry she owned, minus the one thing that hung heavy in her jean pocket, but that one wasn't for her.

It's not like she didn't like pretty things or she didn't appreciate the one's she had but she didn't really have the extra cash to spend on such things, not when she was living on the meager salary as the director of a non-profit organization. Your Team was doing amazing but it was the difference they were making that mattered not the donations they were pulling in, in the past five years Your Team had grown nationwide, the Lima was just the main headquarters, there were headquarters in New York, San Francisco and they were just looking for a new building for the Austin branch.

And those were just mainly the fundraising headquarters. They had smaller, more vital offices in smaller towns that seemed to have a spike in gay bullying and suicides. After politicians drove Love Can Win out of Lima, they were tracking Father Gerry's progress and making sure to set up portable offices in neighboring towns or even streets if possible just to give the gay and questioning youths another option.

And it was working.

They also were just implementing a new program to educate parents. The best way to prevent depression and suicide of LGBT youth is to give them a strong base, give them someone they could talk to, someone that could support them. Someone that's willing to listen and understand.

The program has done a lot. New satellites are opening up along the Bible belt and Santana had been running around like mad this past year traveling to Tulsa, Jacksonville, Charlotte and Nashville to make the way for new offices to support the youths in religious communities. She's also been making tours to give speeches and making news and radio appearance to talk about Your Team's work around the country. She doesn't really know how Brittany has put up with her constant absences and the way she gets snappy when she gets stressed. Brittany has always been there with Santana's favorite dinner or her favorite movie, ready to give Santana a massage after a hard day.

Santana still can't believe what she did to deserve such a person. She's never been happier in her life and she hopes Brittany stays with her forever.

That's what this is all about.

There's another roar of the crowd, Santana can barely hear the bathroom door squeak open. She looks up to find Kurt smiling at her.

Santana swallows her spit and looks back at the mirror. The last thing she needs is for Kurt to notice how much of a wreck she is.

"I would tell you that this is a women's bathroom." She says. "But you're close enough."

She can see Kurt still smiling from the corner of her eye.

"Nervous?" He asks instead of responding to Santana's comment.

She should have known better. Kurt had learned to see through remarks like that a long time ago.

Santana runs her fingers along the rainbow cross she still wears everyday.

"Proposing to my girlfriend in front of millions of fans." Santana adjusts her hair in the mirror. "Why in the world would I be nervous about that?"

"A stadium holds less that a hundred thousand people." Kurt says.

"Still." Santana refuses to look at Kurt, instead she adjusted some imaginary flyways on her head.

"You look great." Kurt said. "You're going to do fine. We've practiced over and over again."

Santana rolls her eyes at the thought. She only practiced so much because Rachel Berry made her. Though she'll never admit to it to her but she's kind of thankful that she could probably sing this song in her sleep.

"We should probably get you ready." Kurt pulls gently at Santana's arm. "The halftime show is about to start."

Santana lets Kurt pull her towards the entrance.

* * *

><p>There's a fog machine and fireworks and there's some shit that's on fire while Rachel performs that one hit wonder that people barely remember her for and hate her for making.<p>

(Seriously who needs another stupid song to get suck in their head?)

But the crowd is cheering nonetheless and Santana can see her girl dancing along side Rachel, her blue eyes are bright even in the smoke of the latest techno display and she's smiling her wide happy smile.

Santana can't help the pang of pride that tugs in her heart.

Kurt pushes her towards the stage entrance before she has time to recover from her temporary trance. She takes a few steps forward and hears Rachel's voice booming through the stadium once the song comes to an end.

(The last thing this girl needs is a microphone connected to a stadium's subwoofers.)

"I have a couple of friends that want to perform a little number for someone special. I hope you guys are okay with that?"

Santana can hear the stadium erupt and assumes that's a yes when she takes her first step on stage. She walks across and finds Brian entering from the other side, strumming that familiar tune on his guitar.

They meet in the middle of the stage. Any doubt that Santana felt leaves her the instant she finds Brittany's eyes.

She opens her mouth to sing.

"_You make beautiful things__  
><em>_You make beautiful things out of the dust." _

She knows there's an entire stadium of people watching and listening to her but she also knows that she doesn't care, this is for Brittany, this entire thing was about Brittany and Santana can't take her eyes off her even if she wanted to.

"_You make me new, You are making me new__  
><em>_You make me new, You are making me new__"_

She finishes up the song and can barely hear the way the stadium erupts when she drops to one knee and pulls a small black box out of her pocket. She sees the tears that have been threatening in Brittany's eyes finally break through. Two small tears fall down Brittany's cheeks as Santana begins to speak.

"Brittany Susan Pierce, Will you-" Santana starts.

"Yes." Brittany interrupts. "Of course yes." Santana lets out a sigh of relief before she slips the engagement ring over the ring finger of the hand Brittany offers her.

"I love you." Brittany says.

Her lips envelope Santana's before she can respond. It doesn't matter though, Brittany knows, Brittany's always known.

**/* Author's Note: **

**So That's it guys. **

**I'm really sad to see this fic go. It will always hold a special place in my heart.**

**Some amazing stuff has happened to me since that start of this fic and I'm so happy I had all of you to be a part of it. I inadvertently met my G/F though this story. (She was a reader) and I've come out to a couple of friends since it all started. It's been an amazing journey for me. **

**This story started out as a characterization of a friend of mine and a day dream during a visit to Las Vegas and it turned into so much more. I put a lot of research into some of the events in this story (Sadly many of them are true) and learned just how varied experiences for different members of the LGBT community can be. I've very lucky to life in NYC and to have got to such an LGBT friendly college and it has made this process easy for me. **

**And for all of you that have reached out to me or review or sent me messages, I read and appreciate every single one of them. I lead a very busy life so I might not respond to you all but I read all of them and I just want to thank you guys for your kind words throughout this fic and your hounding when I didn't update (because it really made me come back and finish for you guys). **

**And for all of you out there still struggling with the bridge between sexuality and faith just remember that there cannot exist a God that prohibits one person from loving another, it's man's ignorance that attempts to do that. **

**But never let that stop you because love is your greatest gift to give. **

**Thank you for reading my fic and for all the wonderful words of encouragement. **

**if you want to follow me on my tumblr (diablovixen . tumblr . com) I'm going to be working on my other stories (Down With the Sickness and The Miserables) and if your interested in any of those you should follow them!**

**Have a Nice night and remember Brittana is always on**

***/**


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